Drink & visiting

Yes they did!! They knew we were going to be in their part of the world and INSISTED we visit them! They have small children, our DCs’ cousins, and they live far from the whole of the rest of the family. They were so happy that their DCs would get to meet cousins on their home turf, that they could show off the house they’d just had built, show us around their life etc. And honestly they had a whole itinerary planned, things our very differently aged DCs could do. On that front they couldn’t have done more. It’s just the food and drink and general hosting thing. It was so bloody weird.

Indeed and, assuming 76 is the birth year - the person is 52. So not some old granny. Very odd.

But did they invite you?

My BIL and SIL are like this, I’ve posted about it before. We live a 6hr flight away from them, went to stay for two nights as we were going to be going somewhere a five hour drive away from them and switched our airport to see them and their DC first - basically they were out of our way and we made an effort.

We weren’t offered as much as a glass of water, let alone tea or coffee or an actual meal. We stayed with them but there were no sheets or towels ready for us - we had to ask. Reason given was “oh cleaning lady comes once every six weeks”. That’s it. The whole “and you’re not capable of making up a bed?” question just hung awkwardly in the air (awkward to us only probably!).

I concluded that they just don’t know how to host or how to keep a house. They barely eat. Their nannies cook a week’s worth of food for their DC and leave it in the fridge. The parents just drink smoothies, eat takeout, pick at the DCs’ leftovers etc. We went out for meals every day and that was basically it. They were great company, lots of outings planned and board games played etc. They just don’t think about food or homes or creature comforts. In their case I think they think it’s a waste of time: food is fuel, sleep is fuel, clean clothes are a necessary evil which will be outsourced as much as possible etc etc. They both come from a culture where mamas over feed and generous hospitality is a love language and I think they both deliberately want the opposite of that for their home life. It’s so weird.

So bloody weird.

I’d also help myself to a drink/food at a close family members house. I’d be more than happy for them to do the same at my house.

for example, my mum and sister wouldn’t take twice of making a cup of tea and helping themselves to a biscuit at my house. But if they were putting the kettle on they offer me one. If I was making myself a tea and my family were in my house I’d offer them one?!

same if I was cooking - anyone that was in the house at the time would be offered - and that’s in addition to helping themselves if they’re hungry between meals.

i can’t imagine my mum or MIL visiting and me making myself a cup of tea, or making a meal for me DH and DC and not offering anyone else who was there.

its bizarre and rude!!

What happens if you ask for a drink or a seat at the table or a helping of whatever they're eating? Do they actively refuse you or just not invite you in the first place? If you have asked them while they are eating if you might join them and they've refused, I would have at that point said how rude they were being. It sort of sounds like you're just sitting there suffering and waiting/hoping for them to notice that you've nothing to eat or drink. Asking if you should put a kettle on isn't the same as outright asking them if they are intentionally and actively excluding you from their meal.

This is basic hosting though.

As soon as anyone arrives at my house, I offer them a drink and a biscuit, this extends from tradespeople to family!

In your shoes, I'd be inclined to put the kettle on yourself and say "I need a tea so I put the kettle on. Anyone else? Yes? Great, you get the mugs and tea bags, I'll get the milk"....

You really shouldn't have to donit yourself but it sounds like they need some guidance on this.

When grandparents visit us, I always make sure there is enough dinner for them too. Sometimes they stay and join us to eat, sometimes they don't (which just means we might have leftovers to freeze).

Sorry this is a DS problem.
She has probably said it's fine for you to visit but expects her partner, your son, to actually step up and host his own mum.
I admire her as we so often see women picking up everything. Perhaps she is waiting for her partner to acknowledge that he hasn't thought that you might like some food when there, or for him to offer to cook.

Why on earth don’t you ask your son to make you a cup of tea?!

i mention to him last week, he has never offered made me a drink, he didn't respond.

So see if he makes more effort next time.

That is so rude it’s bizarre. And your son is completely aware and agrees with it, that must hurt. It certainly made me feel sad for you.

I can see why you don’t want to push the subject. People that weird might not hesitate at cutting you off from your GC. But I would stop taking food to share with them. I think I would say I was popping out for a while and either go out to eat or drive somewhere and tuck into a hoard I brought with me in a cool box.

Yes I agree. If she doesn’t make something just ask if you can get yourself a cuppa. Jeez this woman married your son and produced your grandchildren! Even if she’s a bit buttoned up she’s presumably not some kind of ogre.

Just grow a pair and ask for a cup of tea and a sandwich or something. They’re hardly going to go NC if you do that. This is your son and his partner, not the king and queen.

I’m an adult, if I’m thirsty and I want a drink and I’m at close family members house I would get a drink, and I would expect them to do the same, u want a drink you go get a drink, why do u need me to ask you and make.

Take a flask and a packed lunch. Eat and drink on arrival. See if it prompts a change.

Or just bite the bullet and go put the kettle on yourself.

Do they make themselves a coffee/tea when you are there but not ask you? Or is nobody drinking?

If my own adult child didn’t offer food or drinks to visitors I’d have a stern word.

Op your son and dil are both incredibly rude and mannerless! I would be taking the dgc out for a meal and not inviting those two!

That behaviour to me, seems like they don't want you there. Do they make you feel welcome at all? How does your visit tend to go overall and how long is it?

Time for a chat to check if they actually want to see you once a month. That's really not a nice way to treat you.

I didn’t say it wasn’t expected.

I just find it utterly confusing and trying to understand.

I would expect it but I also wouldn’t just sit there and would help myself if I’m family and coming around and been allowed to. If they say something, I’d ask why have me.

OP shouldn’t tolerate this behaviour but her also choosing to just sit there and take it is a choice. Doing nothing is a choice.

So the DIL should speak up?

My in-laws would arrive from 3 hours away during the afternoon. Why would I make them leave later, or arrive in the dark just because my husband was working?

I was sometimes rushed off my feet, or having a bad day with a young child or two.

You can just have nice relationships with people, the amount of times I would say, “I’m so sorry dd is kicking off again/it’s taking me ages to get her down for a nap/she will only nap on me today, please go and help yourself to tea and biscuits and I’ll be down in a bit.”

That’s all it takes.

It’s not some sexist women do all the work thing, he’s at work, she’s there.

She could tell her MIL nicely to help herself if she’s busy with the children when she arrives.

She, and OPs son, just sound really bloody rude. Even an unexpected guest would be offered a seat at the table and a share of the meal in my home.

I’m sorry but even with small kids you can offer a guest a bloody cup of tea. Especially after them pre arranging the visit with you! and the fact that u don’t have any expectation that they should accommodate u for the night and you unselfishly fork out for a hotel. Unless there a big back story this is unacceptably plain rude.

Your son needs to step up and be hospitable to his own mother! I could never just eat as a family in front of a guest who hasn’t eaten after a long journey!

id be getting up and putting the kettle on for myself op and make a point!

“Can I have a cup of tea please. I’m thirsty after my 100 mile drive and I’m happy to make it myself-would you like one before I fill the kettle”?

“I have brought myself some dinner -can you heat it up for me please or would you like me to do it myself”

To son - “Dave, will you go and make me a cup of tea please?”
Speak to your son alone “Why do you never offer me a drink or anything to eat Dave? That’s not how you were brought up”.

“I’ve bought my own drinks -cans, water-so as not to inconvenience you “

Find your voice and use it! They are being disgracefully disrespectful to you.
Woman up!
im 56 and if I showed which rudeness to anyone my mum would have zero qualms about pulling me up.

Your son is there when this unbelievably rude behaviour occurs.
You reared him.
What was he taught re hospitality in his / your family home ?
I’d be gutted to be treated like this.
Could they be subtly telling you they don’t want you visiting or visiting so often ?

Because they don’t offer her a drink??

As some of the replies say - many people assume that if you want one you’ll ask for one.