Drink & visiting

Wow bizarre behaviour towards you.. im not surprised this upsets you its rude beyond belief after the effort of driving all that way.
Its common courtesy manners to offer drinks and a bite to eat .. a bottle of water well bloody hell I wouldn't be going again in a hurry either.
I know it will be sad because of the grandkids but let them come to you , dont do the travelling.
If my mum comes for tea or vice versa we cook something the kettle is always on.
Some people are just like this they dont see how unhospitable they're being.. a cup of tea or coffee and a hot meal is not too much to expect.
My dad woukd never offer food but always had a cuppa tea x

So why is the OP going? They obviously don’t want her there which will impact her relationship with the grandchildren anyway

I’m not blaming the daughter in law for the sons behaviour but she is a person herself and even if my partner acted like that I wouldn’t, just seems mild need to jump through hoops to be accepted, I wonder if her own mother is treated like that. The son is obviously more so to blame but my point is more on people encouraging op to take dinner, buy dinner, buy them food, so why is the mil getting asked to change more? The both of them are so rude

Challenging someone in this situation doesn’t solve anything.Do you expect them not to have realised it’s rude? Of course they know. So challenging them just leads to more conflict and gives them the excuse to cut contact

@StartTheBid

not if they’re like that, no, they don’t sound very nice!

OP has already challenged, and her son has doubled down, he doesn’t want to give his poor mum a poxy plate of food when she has travelled 100 miles to visit him. Fuck him.

No where did I suggest being a ‘human doormat’. Challenge isn’t being a human doormat.

Choosing no contact is more cowardly and solves nothing. (And I want to have a relationship with my children).

Clearly you do not.

@StartTheBid

yes, if the choice is not visiting or becoming a human doormat, I would select the former.
NO ONE gets to treat me like shit, not even relatives

Why are DILs blamed for men’s behaviour? OP’s son is a part of, agrees with, and has made excuses for what they are doing.

If my son were doing so badly financially he couldn’t afford to include me in a family meal, I’d be discussing how I can help him. Letting it continue and blaming my DIL for the problem seems a very strange thing to do. The whole dynamic in this family seems weird.

Do you tell them you are visiting on such and such a date ( because it suits you) or do they invite you to come on certain dates because it suits them @Shesastar76 ?

I agree. I think @Shesastar76 has said the date is mutually agreed and she confirms the night before that it is still ok.
However I imagine the date is suggested by her and the lazy son seems to just say yes. Maybe as he doesn't want to get involved in conflict, maybe as he doesn't care either way, maybe his comment about money is a hint, or maybe there is a higher expectation for when she visits (it sounds like she visits on a school night which I can imagine being annoying, maybe they would rather a weekend and then she can babysit).

How very sad, and as I said above, does not come without damage to the person involved.

I just can’t imagine not seeing any of my children, or their families again and would try and resolve the issue, even if that meant compromise.
When ‘no contact’ is the route, it doesn’t end there. It involves others who have to make choices between you, it affects family celebrations and tributes, traditions, holidays. It damages everyone involved, through being invisible.

I agree the OP’s son and his wife are so rude, unbelievably so, their behaviour disgraceful.
Unless the OP has not shared a backstory, not seeing your child again, ever, is a huge over reaction.

Give them a miss for a while, live your own life and try to enjoy it.
I can't get over them not offering you some refreshment when you visit, that is a basic, the minimum, you do when someone visits.

Something is seriously wrong with them. If you don't put yourself out to see them for a while, you may find out what it is.

However please don't put life on hold for this inhospitable pair.

It's not like they have a pleasant relationship now. I'd describe that as extremely unpleasant. So why bother? They've made it clear she's unwelcome. So what does she get out of seeing them except disrespect and feeling like a fool?

Relationships are two way streets. This is all one way, so it's not even really a relationship at this point. That's the reality of it.

When you say planned, do they ask you to visit or do you say ‘I’ll be coming up next week’?

The answer to this is absolutely relevant.

And of course you can’t help yourself to food or drink, you are right about that.

Better perhaps to stay away for the time being as they can’t make it any clearer that they don’t want to spend time with you.

I'd not be seeing them or their kids again.

What, ever? You will live a whole life without your son, his wife and your grandchildren?

Your choice, I suppose.

Has the OP clarified if they want her there in the first place or if they are just putting up with her? Sounds harsh but surely if someone is welcome, you make them coffee or whatever.

I think making her son face the issue is a good idea, but the OP has already done this to her son's face, asking him point blank why he's not feeding her. I think, if she's any energy left (which I wouldn't blame her for not having at this point), her best bet is to get the in-laws on board, or at least find out if they're being treated the same way. If so, then both sets of parents can come in all guns blazing to the couple. If it's just her son's family that are being treated this way, I'd be going incandescently vocal and depending on the response to that, perhaps cutting all contact. But that's just me, the OP may be already feeling too worn down by it all to do anything at this point. I would hope that she's not going to give Christmas presents if she's not even going to be invited round for a mince pie and a drink, much less a full meal with them.

I already said what I'd do. I would sit down and communicate how their treatment made me feel, that I felt they were rude and disrespectful and uncaring and that I was ashamed I had raised a son who would treat his mother worse than people would treat a stray dog. I'd not be seeing them or their kids again.

I don't reward bad behaviour with my time and money. I sure wouldn't be going to theirs again. Her son sounds miserly, he claims he can't afford to feed her, even though she's said she will bring food and it just sits there.

This is like the thread a couple months ago where the OP had surgery and a friend invited herself and her family for lunch. They brought lunch for themselves and ate at her table in her home but nothing for her. This is that brazen a disrespect.

No, taking them out to dinner is not a way to force the issue, but the planning for it, beforehand could. As I said, if they refuse dinner out, the OP can push for more answers and lies about this being about cost. (And the dinner isn’t going to happen anyway, because at that point they have turned it down).

I get that the OP may not be able to afford to do that, but only she knows that.

I would rather resolve the issue by eating out with them, than not at all. Perhaps drop one visit to cover costs, or only take the grandchildren.

What would you do to resolve this @outerspacepotato?

I see, taking them out to dinner is a way to force the issue.

But OP might not be able to treat 4 more people plus herself to a meal out. She's already doing the whole work of these visits. It's clear the visits don't work for them and she can bring it up with both of them without paying for their dinners.

I'm a big fan of matching energy. They give disrespect, I wouldn't be buying them squat. That don't want to see her but they don't want to tell her that out loud. They'll just be mean because they don't have the courage to be honest.

Agree, why do mils get treated so poorly? It’s awful

TBF, my views and thoughts are based on the OP challenging her family already and continuing to do so. She has questioned her son and isn’t being a doormat.

My advice to pause and then pick this issue up to try and resolve it, will make them face up to it and not be able to slink off to an easy ‘no contact’.

I would certainly challenge and I would expect decent responses if it were my son. I would also be asking questions where, unless he is honest, will back him into a corner and where at the very least he has to have the difficult conversation.
If the OP offers to take them out for food and pay…and son/DiL refuse, surely OP would say ‘but you said this was about cost’. Clearly it isn’t, so what is it?’

We are all different and all make our own decisions. I know that I would try everything to not lose contact with my son and his family.

Oh god don’t do this when you don’t have that kind of relationship with them. Being passive aggressive is rarely a good look, neither is helping yourself in someone else’s house

OP - do they actually invite you? Or do you decide to visit? It doesn’t sound like they particularly want you there.

I’m of the view that life is too short to be no contact and that it is always worth working through relationship issues. Be the bigger person!

You want her to put a bigger kick me sign on? Because they're being pretty close to abusive here. She sets up visits in advance, travels to them, stays in a hotel and they eat in front of her without offering her anything and ignore her along with the most basic rules of having someone over. They want her to be uncomfortable in their home is what they're saying with their actions, both physically and emotionally. There's no working through that. They think she's not worth giving the most basic acknowledgement and civility. That kind of extreme disrespect is a hill to die on.

Life is too short to be a doormat to people who don't give a damn about you.

@StartTheBid I’m of the view that life is too short to be no contact and that it is always worth working through relationship issues. Be the bigger person!

When does ‘being the bigger person’ turn into ‘here I am, please wipe your feet on me’ though? Why shouldn’t she call out his poor behaviour? Just because they are mother and son doesn't mean he can behave how he likes and she doesn’t get to say ‘actually that doesn’t work for me’. One person cannot work through relationship issues, it has to be the two together.

I say that as a person whose brother cut me off 25 years ago. I know the damage it has done to my self worth, how invisible I am made to feel.

I’m sorry to hear that. Has he given any indication why? OP has told her son clearly why and her son chose to not do anything about it.