AIBU to want fewer last-minute family trips at the weekend?

I’m a bit like your husband - if I am in the house all week for more than a couple of weeks it starts feeling claustrophobic and I want to have a change of scene to experience a new thing (not just our local soft play/zoo/town centre) at the weekend. However, my DH basically wants to stay in the house all the time.
We compromise by having a couple of family holidays a year which he plans and organises, does the driving for etc (I still pack children’s things) and then I also take my son on “Mummy Adventures” which involve one or two nights at an un-scenic Premier Inn and doing whatever is local to that area. I do all the logistics for these, which happen maybe every 6 weeks (they aren’t regular). In some cases we go to a specific event so that decides the date but if not, any parties would take precedence - I think in over a decade we have missed one party and on another we got up and came back early from a break that been booked before the invite to make sure we were back in time.
I have a dedicated gigantic Mummy Adventure washbag containing duplicate toiletries, toothbrushes, hair things, basic first aid stuff and some cutlery for picnics in the room, (etc) which massively cuts down on mental load gathering and unpacking all those small items.

Why isn't he packing for the trip?

Can you say ( when he suggests at 8pm) yes I’d love to go to France tomorrow morning. But I’ll need you to pack for us and the kids , sort out our passports and arrange travel insurance. You’ll need to message Carole and Jane to let them know our kids won’t be at their parties tomorrow night. Can you book the cat sitter too please as I’ve got some stuff I need to finish off tonight. He might agree and then you’ve got a stress free getaway - or he may begin to understand why you’re not jumping with joy at the idea 😂

You are NOT being unreasonable.

From the first few sentences I was going to say you’re not unreasonable for being stressed and maybe just need to have a chat about how much of the prep work he is expecting you to do to for his last minute ideas. Get a bit of a system going, if the unexpected has now become the expected.

But tantrums and sulking if he doesn’t get his way? Last minute cancellations for plans made in advance and ignoring the needs and wants of the whole family? Gross man child behaviour.

Your problems are much deeper than the stress of packing for impromptu weekends away and I hope you can figure out a way to work through them or get out of there.

I think you mean’t to say decent men dont blow up and get angry. Please dont tar all men because some people marry a bad one.

Being able to talk and compromise is part of being married and plenty of men and women both fail at that.

Some people are just not cut out for marriage or having kids as their just plain selfish.

There’s s healthy balance which most people can find. We tend to do one day out (walks, day out somewhere, visit family, pub lunch, cinema etc) and one more low key day - stay at home, cooked breakfast, housework, school stuff etc.

I would hate packing up and being forced out all weekend and i’d start every new week feeling exhausted and behind on everything. I feel sorry for the OP and even more sorry for the poor children. Wait till they get abit older and they just want a lie in after a long week at Secondary. No chance the OP’s dh will be able to drag them away every weekend and they will absolutely resent him. Ours like a weekend walk as we still make sure they get lots if time to sleep, chill, see friends, game etc. Everything is about balance.

OP, stop being walked all over and refuse to go. You’re not lucky, we all feel sorry for you and the kids. Put your children first.

I’d also consider a test weekend where he packs and you check and if he’s missing lots of basics you just don’t go.

Woman puts the kids first, man puts himself first. Very common. And if that's the kind of man you married, you might be able to insist on prioritizing the kids sometimes, but you'll never make him believe that he actually SHOULD.

Maybe tell him you'll go on x number of weekends away a week, but that's the limit and they need to be planned at least (say) three weeks in advance? Or all put in the calendar at the start of the year? Like, "we'll go away that weekend" even if you haven't settled on where yet? Maybe he'll quit with the sulking when he realises you're not going to be swayed by it. Might take a few months though; he might even step it up at first - after all, it's worked in the past. You might need to insist that you and the kids are also people, who matter just as much as he does, for quite a long time. He might not ever actually really believe that himself, if that's not who he is. But if YOU can believe it, and act on it, you might be able to change the behaviour. (Or you might not; he might just leave you for a woman who does as she's told, who's "fun" and not always boring on about the needs of children etc., and see the boring inconvenient children when it suits him. This type quite often do).

Of course you’re not being unreasonable.
He just isn’t thinking beyond the fact that he wants to go on a trip.

The kids shouldn’t be missing birthday parties either.

Have a chat and calmly explain you aren’t happy and you want to change this before it becomes an issue.

We had similar in that my husband always wanted to go out for day trips, and I just wanted to stay at home and play with the kids after hard week of commuting to the office all 5 days (it’s so much better now with wfh.)

It took several conversations as he hated being “stuck in the house” and all I wanted was some time at home to potter. I found it extremely stressful not having that downtime. Eventually we agreed on one day out and one day at home (although he was free to nip into town or go for a walk etc…)

I think you just need to talk it through, understand each other and find a compromise. The trouble is men blow up and get angry which makes this difficult but if he’s a decent and intelligent man he’ll calm down and understand your pov.

You could also ask him to pack the bags next time so he understands how much thought goes into it - I find packing bags really stressful.

Are you the husband?

It does sound like your husband is inconsiderate in the way he springs things on you. It's selfish to make children miss birthday parties and you need to push back on that.

I can actually empathize a little with your situation. My husband has a desperate need to be out of the house at the weekend and will often gently push the family into days out and activities which if it were up to me we'd skip. House cleaning etc gets behind because we are out walking in the countryside or going to the theatre and sometimes it just makes me tired. HOWEVER, looking back at it now kids are late teens and twenties I'm glad we did such a lot together, and it has done a lot to facilitate the new relationship with adult children because we can still enjoy doing stuff together.

You need to renegotiate how these weekends away are planned so the kids don't miss out but you can also make life easier for yourself. It doesn't sound like money is in short supply so make life easier for yourself. Keep permanently packed weekend bags for everyone with duplicate toiletries, medication etc. Teach your children how to pack their own last minute things like books and toys and start to get everyone involved in planning the weekend's activities so they suit you all better and everyone has a voice. Do some advance planning all together of places you'd like to go - stick the list up on the wall alongside the family calendar and party invites and try to divvy up downtime versus trip time a bit better. But trip time should also be respected, honoured and enjoyed.

We have a couple of weekends away as a family a year, a main family holiday and a weekend away each with our friends (no kids). I wouldn’t want anymore than that and that’s enough packing for me in a year!

The week is full on, exhausting, rushing here there and everywhere. The weekend should be a time to rest (a little!) and relax. I would hate constantly needing to pack up/unpack etc and I think its really sad your husband doesn’t enjoy being in his family home. I love the feeling of getting in pyjamas on a Friday night and not needing to be anywhere. Weekends for kids at 6 & 8 were parties, park, walks, playing toys, lounging in pjs on a sunday morning, perhaps soft play or a farm park.

I think your husband needs to work on being content with the life he’s working hard for. Holidays/weekends away are escapism so what is he trying to constantly escape?

Don’t get me wrong I love a holiday/weekend away but it almost makes me think he is running away from home rather than actually going somewhere for a new experience/spending time with his family (which he could do at home) and this is a bigger issue. How often does he do this? Is he bored of your home town?

Do you actually go anywhere you and the DC will enjoy, or is it always somewhere he can indulge in his hobbies and passions? Either way it's ridiculous, springing weekends away on you last thing. Your DC will resent him Op, they won't get invited to parties or sleepovers, they can't play team sports, you'll resent him too when you never get to see your friends or family

I have ADHD. Not an excuse.

Yes, I hear you. It is the bane of my fucking life you don’t need to tell me. To the point of serious consideration of divorce.
unfortunately ADHD and dysphraxia do not help. No consequence will stop him forgetting it again. Ultimately I don’t want to end up without kids medication and other essentials.
in the big important job he has a secretary and admin team etc…

thing is if I left him to pack we wd end up without loads of stuff which wd also be stressful aghhhh!

which he could use the BIG SKILLS from his BIG JOB to fix.

Stop babying grown men who are perfectly capable of doing everything women can do.

Why does it always have to be a weekend away? Why not just a few hours out, day trip, local events, zoo, museum, whatever. That way he gets to leave the house at the weekend (which I get when you’re stuck wfh all week) but you can plan it around anything else that’s happening and no packing for you. He sounds incredibly selfish.

Yanbu and that sounds awful.

He sounds like a very spoiled man child.
The tantrums are a huge red flag, when he doesn't get what he wants.

Your poor children.
Not turning up to things for the children is shocking and you will be known for it.
Invitations will rightly dwindle.

So he works, and does nothing else.
Doesn't like being at home.
You are a SAHM? And house skivvy it sounds.

Nothing about your life sounds great.
It reads as a really controlling relationship with a man who cares only for himself.

I really feel sorry for your children, their feelings don't seem to count, no more than yours.

<AIBU in this very unlikely situation?>

<lots of responses, questions, suggestions >

<tumbleweed>

🎶 What’s it all about, OP? 🎶

Dropping out of parties is really rude. It also likely costs the host money and disappoints the birthday child! It’s bad enough dealing with inevitable last min drop outs for sickness etc.

I would hate this as i hate packing, my ‘d’ h knows this and yet somehow I still ended up doing all the packing (and unpacking though that is less stressful) for everyone for 2 separate self catering (so need more!) weeks this summer. We had a lovely time but it takes a huge toll on me and I usually arrive unwell… He also has a very busy important job which I have to say I’ve somewhat ceased to care about lately 🙄😳 thing is if I left him to pack we wd end up without loads of stuff which wd also be stressful aghhhh! Fully understand some people just don’t get the hatred of packing but I find it horrific.

what happens if you just say no? Do you have a shared diary? Would he be receptive to blocking out say a weekend a month for trips in advance? This is only going to get harder to manage as the kids get older…

So he gets what he wants, and the rest of you have to miss out on stuff or he'll have a tantrum and punish you all with his moods.

Do you really need to ask if yabu.....?

He's a selfish inconsiderate shit.

What a controlling ass. And I bet he doesn't like being at home.because then there are things to do - activities to take children to, chores etc.

Let him sulk.

I just could not cope with this, much as I love a weekend away. When we were doing research on areas to move to, we did the occasional weekend, but both worked f/t and have dogs, so I’d prep well in advance and gradually. No way could I cope with being told at 11pm!

If he didnt pull his weight or be able to compromise with out being a sulky fool than she has every right.