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AIBU?

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Original poster

Autism as an adult woman?

24 replies

Sameshitdifferentdaymonthyear · 13/09/2026 10:09

I will try to keep this as brief as I can but I’m after some advice on whether you feel certain traits I have, could be considered autistic or something else. I have very little experience with ND but I am having a lot of difficulties generally and there have been difficulties for as long as I can remember.

So, on the face of it, I hold down a full-time job which is very customer facing and requires confidence yet I struggle so much. Externally, colleagues and customers may think I’m slightly shy at times when my mask slips but others will only ever see a very polished, confident version of me. Yet underneath this, I often dread going into work, the social interaction etc and find myself so tired and worn out after days in the office.

I have to make a conscious effort to maintain eye contact (sometimes not perfectly if I feel uncomfortable), I don’t like being too close to people when talking (need my own space), I don’t like physical touch (shaking hands with customers, hugging colleagues). I don’t like talking to groups of people or even some individuals and find it uncomfortable, I have to rehearse what I’m going to say before meetings and if something social is thrown at me with no notice, I go into major panic mode. With those who I know better at work and feel less awkward with, I overshare and then regret saying things later in the day. I think of myself as polite and know the rules about interrupting etc but often find myself cutting people off unintentionally and then feel guilty. Even with those I get on with at work, I don’t socialise with them out of work unless absolutely necessary and then I panic a lot about conversation, how I’ll be perceived, maintaining eye contact, keeping conversation going etc.

I am pretty hard working and conscientious but frequently do too much and then burn out. This is at home as well as work. I’ve always got a list of plans before I’ve finished what I’m working on and then I get overwhelmed and struggle to do anything. As an example, I’ll wait to redecorate multiple rooms, have a tidy house, batch cook etc so I’ll start one room but be looking at decorating the next before I’ve finished, I’ll tidy or clean one room and feel overwhelmed by how many more I have to do and then focus on how little time I have, how short my weekend is, how many unfinished jobs I now have and often do nothing or cry. I drive my husband mad with this as he’s the complete opposite and very laid back. I’m either unable to sit and even whilst watching something and trying to relax, I’m doing something else or I’ve taken too much on and I’m hiding from it all.

At work, I will book multiple appointments one week and then when it comes to it, regret booking so much in and feel overwhelmed and dread going into work. All of my work is social and I think this drains me a lot because I’m naturally a big introvert and feel happier on my own at home.

On the flip side, I’ve read that autistic people can struggle with empathy and I don’t feel this is me at all. I think because I struggle with a lot and mask so much to try and get by, I empathise with anyone who vocalises having difficulties. I can also try to offer solutions to them which don’t involve masking their personality and natural traits but I can’t do that myself. I feel very insecure about people noticing my ‘flaws’ and wondering why I don’t behave like normal people. Even when I refuse social events outside of work, I do it because it makes me uncomfortable but I worry what people think about that and whether I’m labelled privately.

I just wondered if anyone feels they behave the same and what may cause this as I feel so tired of living this way. Most jobs require the social side a lot nowadays so I don’t even know if a career change would help and I can’t really afford to give it up. I just know that it makes me feel so uncomfortable and this affects my sleep and causes me a lot of anxiety. I don’t know if this is just general shyness/being an introvert or ND?

OP posts:
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Original poster
Sameshitdifferentdaymonthyear · 13/09/2026 12:35

Thank you all. I really appreciate the different perspectives and hearing of other people’s experiences.

I think it doesn’t help that I work in an organisation where they just expect you to get on with things, whatever is thrown at you and maybe because I’ve tried to mask my difficulties, they wouldn’t now understand if I said changes (as an example) are causing me a lot of difficulty/discomfort. They seem to think that without a label, I’m just like everyone else and should just get on with it but I genuinely don’t feel I can just hide everything and behave like everyone else. Others seem to genuinely not have any problems with change whereas I have to continually pretend.

I guess the world isn’t geared up for anyone who appears to be different and if for whatever reason you can’t or don’t want to behave the same, you’re odd/difficult/trouble.

OP posts:
MightyGoldBear · 13/09/2026 12:07

I resonate with a lot you said op.
I'm likely audhd I haven't chased for a diagnosis. My my child has got a diagnosis so it's highly likely I am too although being a woman I think I would fly under most people's radars. I have learnt to mask well like lots of people have had to.

What I have found is that since realising I am currently less able to mask and pretend. Maybe its part of the process but finally realising I'm not "broken" or forever pretending or playing catch up. I am just in a different body/brain with a different capacity to others. I'm no longer pushing myself to exhaustion. I'm figuring myself out and my life. Not unlike a mini mid life crisis I imagine where you re asses everything. That in itself is exhausting So take time to look after yourself and don't expect to be operating the way you did before.
Diagnosis or not it's ok to recognise you might need adjustments in life.

I think actually very few of us are the typical extrovert able to spin all the plates constantly that the world seems to think we all should be.

Pumpkindice · 13/09/2026 12:03

@Sameshitdifferentdaymonthyear I have also been diagnosed with anxiety in the past. My assessor unpicked the difference for me (this may not be everyone else's experience)
Anxiety - people are thinking ahead worrying about outcomes and catastrophising about what will happen. Eg thinking about a party and all the things that will/could go wrong.
My autism - I'm not really thinking about the outcomes. I've not got that far ahead - I can't really picture what will happen. My 'anxiety' comes from the fact that despite having been to parties, my brain doesn't seem to think I have transferable skills to deal with a party invite. It feels like I'm having to do something for the first time, like I'm still 5. Theres so many unknowns I try and plan to the nth degree - where it is (look up maps) the building (street view) whose going (attendance list on social media) what can I say to them - rehearse it, look up some common conversation topics/things in the news, try and think if anyone has told me about family recently that I can ask them about, subtly enquire about what people will be wearing so I can be nether overdressed or underdressed, plan 6 different options of transport to get there and get home.

Afterwards be proud of my achievement.
Other people just enjoyed the party.

I wasn't anxious about the party as such, I didn't actually mind that much what happens, I just have to plan changes so much because I can't react to stuff in real time otherwise.

Pumpkindice · 13/09/2026 11:54

@Sameshitdifferentdaymonthyear the main difference that having an assessment made to me, was understanding that I couldn't fix these things by willpower - I couldn't just 'try harder', and doing so was leading to burnout.
Whilst there isn't post diagnosis support, my assessor helped me to understand that for example, I'm never going to be able to communicate well with body language, so rather than keep trying, I have to use words! So to tell people verbally that I'd rather they ask me questions in a meeting than expect me to know when to jump in; to tell people that I'm fine but my social battery is a bit low and I'm happy being quiet etc, that I can deal with change but I need a bit of time to process it so I can adjust my mental plan (I struggle with change good or bad because I mentally have everything mapped out, I didn't realise other people don't). I also realise more now about my strengths, I'm no social butterfly but not everyone has to be the high energy person, I'll volunteer to do the things they find hard (data) and they'll do more of the talking.

Original poster
Sameshitdifferentdaymonthyear · 13/09/2026 11:50

parietal · 13/09/2026 11:15

this sounds like being an introvert plus a bit of social anxiety. It doesn’t have to be autism to make you unhappy and make you want to change things. What could you change to make your life calmer and easier?

It’s so hard to know what it is. My mum labelled it as shyness and so I’ve always thought it was and social anxiety but it has never got better. No amount of being around the same people has made it feel easier. I just wondered when a friend suggested there may be some autistic traits. I guess if you’re shy, you would also try and mask that to appear more confident and may think ahead about conversation starters and analyse how you performed afterwards so I’m not really sure on the differences. Equally, I’m early forties and coming toward peri-menopause age so maybe this is also why I’m struggling so much with change. I just feel like I do my best to feel comfortable in a world I find deeply uncomfortable and then they (work/family/friends) pull the rug from under me and change things which puts me back to square one. I have to either endure all the discomfort again or be labelled as difficult or weird or something to speak up and say I’m unhappy with changes which everyone else thinks is trivial.

Again, I’m sure there are lots of explanations for taking on too much and feeling overwhelmed. I just struggle with my emotions and don’t know why I get like this. I don’t know why I can’t relax and not plan so much when I know it will cause me to be overwhelmed. I don’t know why I cry if the house is a mess and yet I sit in a heap unable to make a start. People would look at my life and not see it as any more pressured or busy than the next person but I think because my head is thinking 24/7, it feels a lot. Most people relax on weekends, for example, yet I’m already worrying about work things that might be a fortnight away. But I also don’t feel it’s just anxiety.

As I said, I’m not necessarily looking for a label because I think it will change me. It’s more that I can’t explain my behaviours or thoughts to myself or others and that some kind of label may help me to get others to understand. For example, work may then understand why I make a big deal over a minor change, rather than thinking I’m just awkward.

OP posts:
SmolTiny · 13/09/2026 11:50

I think you are autistic.

Original poster
Sameshitdifferentdaymonthyear · 13/09/2026 11:39

I’ve definitely felt like this as far back as I can remember. Things are feeling particularly hard right now which is strange as I’ve worked at the same place for nearly a decade so you’d think I’d feel relaxed by now. I still spend so much time analysing how I’m perceived and whether I appear normal.

One thing I’ve also noticed is that I really struggle with change. At work, they make even minor changes which everyone else is fine with and I appear awkward but it’s because it feels a huge thing for me. This can be as simple as changing my office days so I’m working with different people, asking us to go in another day and I feel burnt out already and exhausted from the days I’m in. It can be being asked to attend training which no one else seems at all bothered about but I’m already working myself up about the social aspect and having to be around people I don’t know.

I’m hardworking and put a lot of pressure on myself to perform but then I get people asking me to pick other things up because I’m a people pleaser and then it’s too much and I call in sick or I spend all weekend worrying about it and not sleeping. Yet I have to come into work and pretend it’s all ok because no one else would understand and I’d be unreasonable to complain when everyone else seems to get on with it and not see it as a big deal.

In some ways, having a label wouldn’t change anything but other times, I feel I’d be able to explain how I feel easier and rationalise that I’m not just weird, or awkward or antisocial and that it’s something making me feel this way. I have labelled myself as antisocial amongst work colleague and friends because I refuse social events but it’s not actually true. I do like people, I’m interested in people and I’m quite empathetic but I just struggle so much with the interactions and appearing normal that I hide because I feel so anxious and the worry for weeks isn’t worth it. Once it’s done, I’d then spend weeks analysing the mistakes I’ve made or where someone will have seen my mask slip.

OP posts:
thickandcreamy · 13/09/2026 11:28

You sound a lot like me , even down to your job .
im 42 , diagnosed with adhd & autism last year

gamerchick · 13/09/2026 11:23

How old are you?

The wheels tend to fall off a bit during menopause for women with undiagnosed autism. The masking they've become an expert at gets harder to maintain and they can burn out if they push it.

Pumpkindice · 13/09/2026 11:16

EntirelyUnnecessary · 13/09/2026 11:03

That all sounds fairly standard.

An adult female relative (my sister) has recently been diagnosed both privately and then confirmed on rhe NHS. I understand that a large part of the assessment concerned how she was as a very young child and whether she had language or other developmental difficulties. Family videos were dug up and apparently the fact that she was unintelligible to most people at age 4-5 and I had to translate everything for her was relevant. Did you have any similar issues as a small child?

Edited

Autism is primarily a social and communication disorder, whilst autistic children can have some developmental delays it isn't required to be diagnosed with autism. For example, some autistic children are avid readers and have a wide vocabulary so may appear to be articulate for their age, but they still struggle with social interaction (eg monologuing and not taking turns in a conservation)

parietal · 13/09/2026 11:15

this sounds like being an introvert plus a bit of social anxiety. It doesn’t have to be autism to make you unhappy and make you want to change things. What could you change to make your life calmer and easier?

Overthebow · 13/09/2026 11:11

It does seem like you may have some autistic traits, but it’s possible to have some traits without being autistic. It’s the amount and level that they affect you that feeds in to the diagnosis. For example to get a diagnosis you have to have had traits present as a child, and also to be significantly impacted in your life by symptoms. Does this apply to you?

FoxMouseRat · 13/09/2026 11:05

Alot of what you have said resonates with me (also suspect neurospiciness).

Work is a struggle because as you say, it's either shyness or over divulging, followed by regret.

I think the issue may be that us "high functioning" professional women who have successfully navigated life with their quirks seem to absolutely crumble with perimenopause and then general work/life burnout.

No useful suggestions but solidarity. Radical acceptance is the way (perhaps).

EntirelyUnnecessary · 13/09/2026 11:03

That all sounds fairly standard.

An adult female relative (my sister) has recently been diagnosed both privately and then confirmed on rhe NHS. I understand that a large part of the assessment concerned how she was as a very young child and whether she had language or other developmental difficulties. Family videos were dug up and apparently the fact that she was unintelligible to most people at age 4-5 and I had to translate everything for her was relevant. Did you have any similar issues as a small child?

blackrabbitwhiterabbit · 13/09/2026 11:00

Gosh, I could have written this post myself. Watching with interest.

AmberTigerEyes · 13/09/2026 10:58

Sameshitdifferentdaymonthyear · 13/09/2026 10:39

I do struggle with showing empathy, I suppose. It’s easier with those close to me but with colleagues or distant people, whilst I can say I’m sorry and I understand etc, I do struggle to know exactly what to say. I remember a colleague found out her husband was cheating and broke down when alone with me and although I forced myself to hug her, I couldn’t think of what to say and do. I felt incredibly sorry for her and upset but also really uncomfortable.

Yes that describes the struggle with showing empathy in a socially acceptable way. As you have given more info showing you have struggled through your life, I think you have more than enough reason to pursue an assessment.

Pumpkindice · 13/09/2026 10:55

Obviously we've only got a snapshot from what you've posted, but I would say the planning, rehearsing and just having to 'work' at every day social situations can be a big part of autism. Especially if you've felt it since childhood and it doesn't seem to get much better despite how much effort you put in.
I describe my own experience of being autistic at work as doing everything my colleagues do, except doing it all consciously and being half as successful - I try really, really hard and I get perceived as being shy, maybe a bit standoffish, and a bit soft (I work so hard not to offend that I can be a bit of a people pleaser and am prone to burnout) I also need a lot of downtime outside of work, which is an aspect people don't see when they assume that someone is 'high functioning' or 'not very autistic'.

Original poster
Sameshitdifferentdaymonthyear · 13/09/2026 10:39

I do struggle with showing empathy, I suppose. It’s easier with those close to me but with colleagues or distant people, whilst I can say I’m sorry and I understand etc, I do struggle to know exactly what to say. I remember a colleague found out her husband was cheating and broke down when alone with me and although I forced myself to hug her, I couldn’t think of what to say and do. I felt incredibly sorry for her and upset but also really uncomfortable.

OP posts:
Original poster
Sameshitdifferentdaymonthyear · 13/09/2026 10:36

WhatNextImScared · 13/09/2026 10:26

You do sound a lot like my autistic daughter. The lack of empathy thing is a red herring - that’s a narrow type presentation, women often have an excess of empathy eg if I tell my NT daughter off strongly for something dangerous, my (older) ASD daughter will be in floods of tears as she’s so upset by her sister being in trouble (meanwhile NT child is giving me the side eye and doesn’t GAF 😅)

Edited

Thank you. I definitely recognise your daughter in me and remember very distinctly crying in sixth form when a friend was upset and a teacher being quite baffled (and rude), asking why I was crying. I definitely feel other peoples emotions.

In answer to the previous poster, I’m early 40’s but have felt like I don’t fit in and that I have to make a conscious effort to fit in since I was in primary school. I missed school and work as a result of this, when I became totally unable to keep it up and exhausted with trying. I’ve felt that even when I try, it’s not me and I don’t get the same reaction that others get who seem naturally normal, so maybe I’m not as good as I think in hiding things.

OP posts:
AmberTigerEyes · 13/09/2026 10:36

Yes, I can see some ND traits although it might be burnout which can happen to anyone because you’ve only talked about right now in your life.

The empathy thing is really more about expressing empathy rather than feeling it. Many autistic people struggle with how to express empathy in socially appropriate ways. The struggle with empathy isn’t in feeling it, often autistic people feel empathy very keenly for humans and animals, even plants.

LadyLooo · 13/09/2026 10:31

How old are you?

WhatNextImScared · 13/09/2026 10:28

However I do also agree that life in today’s economy involves a huge amount of focus, social management and juggling and it is making us all feel unwell on a certain level. Life is hard right now.. it could just be that. But worth exploring

WhatNextImScared · 13/09/2026 10:26

You do sound a lot like my autistic daughter. The lack of empathy thing is a red herring - that’s a narrow type presentation, women often have an excess of empathy eg if I tell my NT daughter off strongly for something dangerous, my (older) ASD daughter will be in floods of tears as she’s so upset by her sister being in trouble (meanwhile NT child is giving me the side eye and doesn’t GAF 😅)

Passaggressfedup · 13/09/2026 10:18

Many people feel the same. The percentage of people who feel perfectly comfortable speaking with strangers without a thought.

Everything you describe is very common. People just don't talk about it .