Autism as an adult woman?

Many people feel the same. The percentage of people who feel perfectly comfortable speaking with strangers without a thought.

Everything you describe is very common. People just don't talk about it .

You do sound a lot like my autistic daughter. The lack of empathy thing is a red herring - that’s a narrow type presentation, women often have an excess of empathy eg if I tell my NT daughter off strongly for something dangerous, my (older) ASD daughter will be in floods of tears as she’s so upset by her sister being in trouble (meanwhile NT child is giving me the side eye and doesn’t GAF 😅)

However I do also agree that life in today’s economy involves a huge amount of focus, social management and juggling and it is making us all feel unwell on a certain level. Life is hard right now.. it could just be that. But worth exploring

How old are you?

Yes, I can see some ND traits although it might be burnout which can happen to anyone because you’ve only talked about right now in your life.

The empathy thing is really more about expressing empathy rather than feeling it. Many autistic people struggle with how to express empathy in socially appropriate ways. The struggle with empathy isn’t in feeling it, often autistic people feel empathy very keenly for humans and animals, even plants.

Obviously we've only got a snapshot from what you've posted, but I would say the planning, rehearsing and just having to 'work' at every day social situations can be a big part of autism. Especially if you've felt it since childhood and it doesn't seem to get much better despite how much effort you put in.
I describe my own experience of being autistic at work as doing everything my colleagues do, except doing it all consciously and being half as successful - I try really, really hard and I get perceived as being shy, maybe a bit standoffish, and a bit soft (I work so hard not to offend that I can be a bit of a people pleaser and am prone to burnout) I also need a lot of downtime outside of work, which is an aspect people don't see when they assume that someone is 'high functioning' or 'not very autistic'.

Yes that describes the struggle with showing empathy in a socially acceptable way. As you have given more info showing you have struggled through your life, I think you have more than enough reason to pursue an assessment.

Gosh, I could have written this post myself. Watching with interest.

That all sounds fairly standard.

An adult female relative (my sister) has recently been diagnosed both privately and then confirmed on rhe NHS. I understand that a large part of the assessment concerned how she was as a very young child and whether she had language or other developmental difficulties. Family videos were dug up and apparently the fact that she was unintelligible to most people at age 4-5 and I had to translate everything for her was relevant. Did you have any similar issues as a small child?

Alot of what you have said resonates with me (also suspect neurospiciness).

Work is a struggle because as you say, it's either shyness or over divulging, followed by regret.

I think the issue may be that us "high functioning" professional women who have successfully navigated life with their quirks seem to absolutely crumble with perimenopause and then general work/life burnout.

No useful suggestions but solidarity. Radical acceptance is the way (perhaps).

It does seem like you may have some autistic traits, but it’s possible to have some traits without being autistic. It’s the amount and level that they affect you that feeds in to the diagnosis. For example to get a diagnosis you have to have had traits present as a child, and also to be significantly impacted in your life by symptoms. Does this apply to you?

this sounds like being an introvert plus a bit of social anxiety. It doesn’t have to be autism to make you unhappy and make you want to change things. What could you change to make your life calmer and easier?

Autism is primarily a social and communication disorder, whilst autistic children can have some developmental delays it isn't required to be diagnosed with autism. For example, some autistic children are avid readers and have a wide vocabulary so may appear to be articulate for their age, but they still struggle with social interaction (eg monologuing and not taking turns in a conservation)

How old are you?

The wheels tend to fall off a bit during menopause for women with undiagnosed autism. The masking they've become an expert at gets harder to maintain and they can burn out if they push it.

You sound a lot like me , even down to your job .
im 42 , diagnosed with adhd & autism last year

I think you are autistic.

@Sameshitdifferentdaymonthyear the main difference that having an assessment made to me, was understanding that I couldn't fix these things by willpower - I couldn't just 'try harder', and doing so was leading to burnout.
Whilst there isn't post diagnosis support, my assessor helped me to understand that for example, I'm never going to be able to communicate well with body language, so rather than keep trying, I have to use words! So to tell people verbally that I'd rather they ask me questions in a meeting than expect me to know when to jump in; to tell people that I'm fine but my social battery is a bit low and I'm happy being quiet etc, that I can deal with change but I need a bit of time to process it so I can adjust my mental plan (I struggle with change good or bad because I mentally have everything mapped out, I didn't realise other people don't). I also realise more now about my strengths, I'm no social butterfly but not everyone has to be the high energy person, I'll volunteer to do the things they find hard (data) and they'll do more of the talking.

@Sameshitdifferentdaymonthyear I have also been diagnosed with anxiety in the past. My assessor unpicked the difference for me (this may not be everyone else's experience)
Anxiety - people are thinking ahead worrying about outcomes and catastrophising about what will happen. Eg thinking about a party and all the things that will/could go wrong.
My autism - I'm not really thinking about the outcomes. I've not got that far ahead - I can't really picture what will happen. My 'anxiety' comes from the fact that despite having been to parties, my brain doesn't seem to think I have transferable skills to deal with a party invite. It feels like I'm having to do something for the first time, like I'm still 5. Theres so many unknowns I try and plan to the nth degree - where it is (look up maps) the building (street view) whose going (attendance list on social media) what can I say to them - rehearse it, look up some common conversation topics/things in the news, try and think if anyone has told me about family recently that I can ask them about, subtly enquire about what people will be wearing so I can be nether overdressed or underdressed, plan 6 different options of transport to get there and get home.

Afterwards be proud of my achievement.
Other people just enjoyed the party.

I wasn't anxious about the party as such, I didn't actually mind that much what happens, I just have to plan changes so much because I can't react to stuff in real time otherwise.

I resonate with a lot you said op.
I'm likely audhd I haven't chased for a diagnosis. My my child has got a diagnosis so it's highly likely I am too although being a woman I think I would fly under most people's radars. I have learnt to mask well like lots of people have had to.

What I have found is that since realising I am currently less able to mask and pretend. Maybe its part of the process but finally realising I'm not "broken" or forever pretending or playing catch up. I am just in a different body/brain with a different capacity to others. I'm no longer pushing myself to exhaustion. I'm figuring myself out and my life. Not unlike a mini mid life crisis I imagine where you re asses everything. That in itself is exhausting So take time to look after yourself and don't expect to be operating the way you did before.
Diagnosis or not it's ok to recognise you might need adjustments in life.

I think actually very few of us are the typical extrovert able to spin all the plates constantly that the world seems to think we all should be.