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Original poster

To think husband doesn't get to have it both ways re children?

722 replies

PickledFrog · 04/04/2024 07:16

My husband has two older children and we have younger DC together.

Since they have been older (12 & 14) he has got into the habit of leaving them at home at the weekend whilst he goes to work (SE so can definitely choose whether to go or not) often not telling me about this until the night before / day of.

He will say it doesn't matter because they are old enough to look after themselves so makes no difference to me. Fine.

I have taken to thinking well I'll just get on with my day then as normal if he says it makes no difference to me I.e. Still going out with the little ones etc..

He will make comments about this though sometimes like if I'm out over lunch time asking me if DSC have eaten, what they have for lunch, should be making sure they have something. Or even sometimes saying it's mean of me not to take DSC out with me if I end up going somewhere they might light for example I once had a trip to a big aquarium/zoo place planned with my sister and our younger children and he was pissed that I didn't immediately take DSC with me when I found out he had decided to go in work, instead they stayed home alone all day.

I just think he wants his cake and to eat it too. You can't say oh it makes no difference to you because they can look after themselves so I'm going out and then in the same breath moan about me not looking after them? Can they look after themselves or not? If they can then it shouldn't matter that I get on with my day, if they can't then he should be at home or at the very least asking me if it's okay.

What do you think?

OP posts:
InterIgnis · 04/04/2024 07:54

babaisyou · 04/04/2024 07:50

The kids are older and your husband needs to go to work. It's not like you have to be hands on with them all day, he's only asking you to check they've had lunch and tbh I do think it's unfair you went on a nice day out and didn't even invite them.

It sounds like you're not functioning very well as a family unit.

It was optional work, on a weekend he knew he has his children. If he really felt compelled to do it then he needed to source childcare, not just dump it on OP and expect her to do it.

It wasn’t on her to pick up after him. At what point would you think her allowed to put her foot down? Or would she just be expected to suck it up in perpetuity, because ‘think of the children’ is something stepmothers should be doing rather than their actual father?

babaisyou · 04/04/2024 07:55

Fulshaw · 04/04/2024 07:54

He’s a shit dad and while we all agree that you shouldn’t have to step up to make up for his shitness, you still should for the sake of those poor kids.

OP should step up for her stepkids.

Anameisaname · 04/04/2024 07:55

PickledFrog · 04/04/2024 07:24

I would feed them if I were there and making lunch obviously. But if I have plans to go to a soft play for example with the little ones I'm not cancelling that so I can stay home to look after DSC who apparently don't need me to look after them (according to DH).

DSC are fine. They usually end up out with friends playing football or gaming. The odd time I've asked if they want to come out with me they've said no thanks anyway.

Show quote history

Well then that sounds a bit different. If I am honest I'd be more worried about kids of that age being left all day to their own devices. They do need some structure and whilst being out with friends is fun, someone should know who they are with and where they are. If DH is showing a spectacular lack of interest in all of this then I'd be a bit concerned for your kids when they're older.
Maybe have a conversation with him about parenting teens and his expectations on you for the future. Sounds like he's happy to be very hands off. Are you happy with that?

LaurieFairyCake · 04/04/2024 07:56

Have you considered leaving this shit father?

He's not exactly going to get any better with your kids is he?

babaisyou · 04/04/2024 07:56

InterIgnis · 04/04/2024 07:54

It was optional work, on a weekend he knew he has his children. If he really felt compelled to do it then he needed to source childcare, not just dump it on OP and expect her to do it.

It wasn’t on her to pick up after him. At what point would you think her allowed to put her foot down? Or would she just be expected to suck it up in perpetuity, because ‘think of the children’ is something stepmothers should be doing rather than their actual father?

Show quote history

'he needed to source childcare, not just dump it on OP and expect her to do it.'

But they're married. They are a family. These kids are OP's stepkids, not just some random children.

Vod · 04/04/2024 07:56

babaisyou · 04/04/2024 07:54

What else is he asking?

I do actually agree with him that as they are meant to be a family (they're married after all?) that OP went out and took only 2 out of the 4 kids.

I am a stepchild myself and my stepparent would not treat me differently to his own children. This is so important for healthy dynamics in a family.

It just sounds like there is a huge split in this 'family' and it saddens me tbh. I feel sorry for the stepkids.

Show quote history

For her to invite them out on planned day trips with other people. Because its only ok to leave them at home if its him doing it.

haveyoutriedturningitoffandonagain · 04/04/2024 07:57

babaisyou · 04/04/2024 07:56

'he needed to source childcare, not just dump it on OP and expect her to do it.'

But they're married. They are a family. These kids are OP's stepkids, not just some random children.

Show quote history

Then he can ASK HER

InterIgnis · 04/04/2024 07:57

babaisyou · 04/04/2024 07:56

'he needed to source childcare, not just dump it on OP and expect her to do it.'

But they're married. They are a family. These kids are OP's stepkids, not just some random children.

Show quote history

So? That doesn’t mean she became default childcare, or childcare at all, upon signing the marriage certificate.

Again, if he wanted a partner to provide that it was on him to establish that at the very start of the relationship.

babaisyou · 04/04/2024 07:58

Vod · 04/04/2024 07:56

For her to invite them out on planned day trips with other people. Because its only ok to leave them at home if its him doing it.

Show quote history

OP went out to an exciting place that they probably would have liked to go to.

I do think it's a bit shit to not ask them.

As a stepchild myself, if my stepdad had taken my two younger half-siblings out to an exciting day trip and left me at home I would have been devastated.

Whycantiwinmillionsandsquillions · 04/04/2024 07:58

Your dh is a terrible parent.

Once again, let this be a lesson to anyone thinking of getting together with someone who already has children.

I see so many posts like this on here.

The main point is always:
If a man already has dcs- run for the hills and never, ever have a child with him.

haveyoutriedturningitoffandonagain · 04/04/2024 07:58

Chatonette · 04/04/2024 07:44

As a stepchild myself, this makes me sad. It’s not the kids’ fault their dad isn’t prioritising them. He should be spending time with them on his allocated days, not leaving them to it when he goes to work.

I get why you’re doing what you’re doing and I would feel the same in your shoes—DH is completely out of order here, and not taking responsibility for his children. But ultimately the ones paying the price here are the kids.

If it were me, I’d take a few steps:

  1. Calendar (or a sheet printed out of a monthly view) on the fridge. All work times and custody visits are ON THE CALENDAR. If DH says on Friday night that he’s going into work on Saturday morning—‘Why isn’t it on the calendar? We are managing 5 busy schedules and it isn’t fair to any of us when you aren’t transparent about yours.’ Put things like ‘soft play’ or ‘at my sister’s house’ in—make it transparent that you won’t be around.
  2. Have a conversation with DH at a time when DSC aren’t around, and not when he’s just dropped a bomb in you about work. ‘DSC come here to spend quality time with their father, who they rarely see. It’s not fair on them to be left on their own all day when they’ve come to spend quality time with you. I know money’s tight, but we need to organise overtime hours around the children. I’m worried that their memories of going over to Dad’s house to spend time with him will instead be of being left at home alone all day whilst he was at work. Kids aren’t stupid—they can see what’s going on.’

Good idea re calander- we have a "his & hers" so he puts the kids on his side. If he cant work out where to put them that's the issue

Remagirl · 04/04/2024 07:59

I read this and just felt so sorry for his kids. My step daughter always was part of our family and one of my children imo. I have a child with my husband too and have always treated both kids equally. Sure my love for my biological child is definitely something more personal to me but I love my stepdaughter unconditionally and wouldn't have ever left her at home in the way you described.

Josette77 · 04/04/2024 07:59

haveyoutriedturningitoffandonagain · 04/04/2024 07:48

Yes this is what I find with my dsc. They aren't interested. So that's fine. They're happy, you're happy.

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I don't believe a 12 yo is happy to be left alone all day.

These are still kids. They still require parenting and bonding. What's the point in them being there if they aren't spending time with the family?

Bigearringsbigsmile · 04/04/2024 08:00

Poor, poor children.
Just....( shakes head)

babaisyou · 04/04/2024 08:00

InterIgnis · 04/04/2024 07:57

So? That doesn’t mean she became default childcare, or childcare at all, upon signing the marriage certificate.

Again, if he wanted a partner to provide that it was on him to establish that at the very start of the relationship.

Show quote history

So why are they married?

I could understand if it was just a boyfriend. But when you marry someone you become their family.

DiamondArtists · 04/04/2024 08:02

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

InterIgnis · 04/04/2024 08:04

babaisyou · 04/04/2024 08:00

So why are they married?

I could understand if it was just a boyfriend. But when you marry someone you become their family.

Show quote history

Because they wanted to get married, presumably.

Getting married to a parent isn’t a formal acceptance of becoming an unpaid childcare provider, and nor is ‘being a family’. The kids remained his responsibility upon marrying OP, they didn’t become hers.

phoenixrosehere · 04/04/2024 08:04

babaisyou · 04/04/2024 07:50

The kids are older and your husband needs to go to work. It's not like you have to be hands on with them all day, he's only asking you to check they've had lunch and tbh I do think it's unfair you went on a nice day out and didn't even invite them.

It sounds like you're not functioning very well as a family unit.

It reads like you haven’t read all of OP’s posts.

She literally says that her DH knew about this day out with her sister and their nursery age children in advance, but still chose to go to work. He didn’t ask her if they could be included knowing this so could have given her time to add them on. It is Easter holidays where I am and many places are booked up so it very likely wouldn’t have been possible to just add them on in short notice. She also checks in on the older children to make sure they’re all right and has asked before if they wanted to go with her with the younger children and they have expressed no and rather go out and play football with their friends. Is she supposed to force them along if they don’t want to go?

Iaskedyouthrice · 04/04/2024 08:04

I'm sorry can I please just make a point. There is no situation bar illness and death that should make a woman question, cancel or rethink plans with her own children. Especially on the whim of a man who just leaves the house. I wish more people would tell stepmothers this. You do not and should not have to take on more childcare, housework, financial responsibility for children you had no involvement in the conception of. All you need to do is be kind and welcoming. That's it. The father should be a capable and responsible parent so nothing falls to you. Stepchildren should be a lovely bonus. Not extra work. Cos you know, their fathers got that bit sorted. If he hasn't, get him gone.

InterIgnis · 04/04/2024 08:06

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

Why bother having your kids over if you’re not going to be there to see them, and instead assume you can dump responsibility for them on your wife?

Being family =//= free childcare

babaisyou · 04/04/2024 08:06

'Stepchildren should be a lovely bonus. Not extra work.'

@Iaskedyouthrice If my stepdad thought like this, my childhood would have been a mess.

My mum and stepdad worked together to raise me and whilst my family have problems, that is one thing that they did right.

Threads like this make me so sad. They are both at fault and they both need to function better as a team for the sake of all of the children involved.

Chatonette · 04/04/2024 08:06

Whycantiwinmillionsandsquillions · 04/04/2024 07:58

Your dh is a terrible parent.

Once again, let this be a lesson to anyone thinking of getting together with someone who already has children.

I see so many posts like this on here.

The main point is always:
If a man already has dcs- run for the hills and never, ever have a child with him.

I hate to say it, but I concur. Being a stepchild myself (and hating it), I wouldn’t entertain the thought of dating someone who already had kids. I never wanted to be a stepmum.

Josette77 · 04/04/2024 08:06

I could never be with a man who treats his kids like this. Ever.

I've been the step kid treated like this and it sucks.

So many blended families are like this.

Not sure it's even worth calling them blended.

colourfulcrochet · 04/04/2024 08:08

Ah yes, another man who doesn't see childcare as his responsibility, so has married a woman in order to outsource it. And is then shocked and outraged when she doesn't fall into line.

Doingmybest12 · 04/04/2024 08:09

Even regarding your own children, is this what is ok,an absent dad? Him working at the weekend is a shared decision, either he needs to, in which case you step up with all the children or he doesn't and you need to have it out with him about your family life. His children are sadly caught in the cross fire.

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