Wishing DS was a little more like DD

Pheebee · 2024-02-01T04:39:23+00:00

I have twins, not long turned 18, both in last year of sixth form. They are like chalk and cheese. I know neither of them are bad kids and I'm very lucky but sometimes I catch myself wishing DS was just a little more like DD. Context - DD is predicted 4A* at A-Level, goes into school early most days to study and stays an hour late for supported study/independent study, she works her but off quite frankly - DD has a part time job, saves most of her weekly wage - DD keeps her room/car clean and tidy - DD is organised and responsible - DD has her flaws too though, she can be quite bitchy and a bit mean, definitely have issues with her being judgmental and a bit of a bully (especially when it comes to how people look) - DS is less motivated predicted BCC but claims he will get that up, needs AAB for his first choice uni!! He barely studies though so not sure how he's planning to get the grades up - DS had a job and quit, didn't like that his sister was earning more so thought the solution was to give up all together - DS is like a tornado, leaves a trail of destruction where ever he goes and can be quite lazy, not very organised either, relies on DD telling him his timetable everyday !! - On the other hand you won't meet a nicer funnier lad, he's great to be around just can't get his head screwed on!! Now I know that being bitchy is an issue and we do call DD out but really I'm banking on the world putting DD in her place (DD has always been that kid that is good at everything and matched with her being very attractive by societies standards she can be quite a lot to handle, although her work ethic, drive, organisation and general ability to be on top of things can't be faulted). However I find DS much harder to parent now, we end up shouting over the mess he leaves (room is his problem but social space). While DD literally doesn't stop, always busy, DS never seems to start, some times it's like time moves slower in his world. Somehow DD has time for a job, study, sport, socialising and alone time, but DS seems to do none of that (I don't even know what he does seems to just sleep eat and go to school!!). I guess it comes down to yes DD is a bit bitchy but she has a lot of respect for DH and I, and while the world seems to be on DDs side I'm not sure how I can help with that (other than calling her out whenever she makes a bitchy comment). She has friends, she works hard etc. Where as for DS be needs a lot more parenting, and I was hoping by 18 he'd be a lot more self-sufficient than he is. We never let on to the kids that this is how we feel but it does make me wish DS was a little more like DD. AIBU for feeling this way? Anyone have any advice on how I can help either of them with the areas they need to work on?

Totupthenumberspls · 01/02/2024 04:42

They’re two different people. My brother is 43 now and my mum still worries about looking after him

AgentProvocateur · 01/02/2024 04:43

Being nice is a hugely important quality. Your DS will learn about time management etc as he gets older. On the other hand, bitchy judgmental people - in my opinion - never change.

PutinSmellsPassItOn · 01/02/2024 04:49

Seems like you should be wishing your dd could be more like your ds.........believe me when I say it's people like your son that others choose to and want to be around. That will get him further than paper results.

Ruffpuff · 01/02/2024 04:53

The only reason you’re comparing is because they’re twins. They’re their own people, with their individual faults and positives. Why would you want two clone children anyway?

Calamitousness · 01/02/2024 04:53

I would take your son over your daughter any day. He sounds fairly boy typical to me. He will be gone to uni before you know it and you’ll miss him. He’s not going to be stuck at home or not progress. Don’t worry.

Josette77 · 01/02/2024 04:54

I'd rather my ds be like your son than your DD to be honest.

Kindness and humor and likeability go a long way in life.

Original poster

Pheebee · 01/02/2024 04:55

PutinSmellsPassItOn · 01/02/2024 04:49

Seems like you should be wishing your dd could be more like your ds.........believe me when I say it's people like your son that others choose to and want to be around. That will get him further than paper results.

Before I start - not saying it's ok for DD to be bitchy ofcourse it isn't.

But DD has a lot more friends than DS, she always has, very popular. She is charismatic and charming. In my experience charismatic, charming, driven, dedicated people tend to both have more friends and go further in life than the nice guy. I'm not saying it's fair but it's definitely true in my experience.

OP posts:

Original poster

Pheebee · 01/02/2024 04:57

I don't want it to come across like I'm defending DDs bitchiness I'm not.
But for those that think it makes her not very likeable etc. I'd say it's much the opposite, she has loads of friends, very well liked and fantastic at making new connections.
DS is friendly but shy and not very driven so has hardly any friends and some people seem to think he's grumpy/insular according to DD.

OP posts:

Totupthenumberspls · 01/02/2024 04:57

Very strange that you’re comparing them so much. My brother is also very charismatic and charming when he wants to be, however he’s still the one my mum worries about

WavingCatsandDogs · 01/02/2024 05:01

Your son can change his actions of behaviour your probably daughter can't change her ( not very nice ) personality. Bitchy, mean, a bully?? Really.

Look at yourself.

You've got it all wrong.

WandaWonder · 01/02/2024 05:02

To be perfectily honest the more you post the worse it gets to me on the surface being 'poplular' is not actually a good quality, sure it may seem to be if you live in a reality tv/social media type life or atleast try to be like that or look up to it, I say this with my child being neither popluar or not,

But your post comes across as you have have this checklist of what you think a person should be and if they don't fit into it then it is wrong

I do feel sorry for your son and actually your daughter too

WavingCatsandDogs · 01/02/2024 05:03

Pheebee · 01/02/2024 04:57

I don't want it to come across like I'm defending DDs bitchiness I'm not.
But for those that think it makes her not very likeable etc. I'd say it's much the opposite, she has loads of friends, very well liked and fantastic at making new connections.
DS is friendly but shy and not very driven so has hardly any friends and some people seem to think he's grumpy/insular according to DD.

So did the Mean Girls.

Cookiecrumblepie · 01/02/2024 05:03

YABU for comparing them. It is terrible parenting and in my opinion you need to stop and recognise that they are two amazing individuals. You need to help them be better people individually and bring out their strengths and tackle their weaknesses. Not shape then into what you believe is the ‘best’ type of person (good grades, good looking, stereotypically successful).

If you think and believe badly of your son or are internally disappointed, although you might not say anything it will show. And he will subtly feel your disappointment and judgment of him and it will be awful for him. Please try and change yourself to be a proud supportive parent to both of your children as they are with their individual traits.

SusanSHelit · 01/02/2024 05:11

Tbh I'd be vastly more disappointed with any dc of mine being a judgemental bully, no matter how "charismatic", than not as academically focused (his current expected grades are still not bad btw)

In fact I'd be quite livid if I found out my dc was a bully and wonder where the fuck I had gone wrong.

Josette77 · 01/02/2024 05:11

Pheebee · 01/02/2024 04:57

I don't want it to come across like I'm defending DDs bitchiness I'm not.
But for those that think it makes her not very likeable etc. I'd say it's much the opposite, she has loads of friends, very well liked and fantastic at making new connections.
DS is friendly but shy and not very driven so has hardly any friends and some people seem to think he's grumpy/insular according to DD.

Some people think he's grumpy and insular according to your DD? The same one who's bitchy and judgemental?

Sorry but that line made me legit laugh.

pasturesgreen · 01/02/2024 05:16

I know who I'd much rather be friends with, and it's not your DD

Tink2345 · 01/02/2024 05:17

Although you say you don’t voice these feelings to them both, your son may still be aware. Particularly being twins, I know as a younger sibling I was constantly compared by teachers to those who came before me so school may also have had an impact without you realising. As for friends, quality over quantity every day, who would really be there for your daughter when needed, and who for your son? All of these things put into the context of each child’s personalities can become much clearer and easier to handle.

RawBloomers · 01/02/2024 05:19

Having twins too, OP, I understand how hard it is not to judge and compare. DH and I have to remind ourselves that they are different people, developing at different rates and in different ways. And that they also have to contend with having each other to “compete” with. I think they can feel a lot of pressure to distinguish themselves from each other by opting for the opposite IYSWIM. We have one with very high executive function and one who, well, struggled in that department. What seemed to make the difference with the struggling one (apart from age) was distance from her twin. When they were no longer in the same school, they both flourished. If you can get your DS off to uni next year, you may find he finds his feet without (what may be to him) the “perfect” example of his twin.

I hope so. I think posters who think a “friendly” lad who can’t be arsed to pick up after himself, doesn’t go out and tries to live on a wing and prayer instead of knuckling down and doing the work is going to do better in life or be more liked are kidding themselves. But he needs the space for his efforts to have some meaning and not always seem like the poor companion to his sister’s.

urbanbuddha · 01/02/2024 05:22

I think you need to do all you can to encourage your DS to study hard now. They’re on the final stretch now and he really needs to focus on his exams so that he gets a place at a uni he wants.
Once they’re at different unis he’ll probably flourish - it sounds like he’s a bit in her shadow.

With the bitchiness maybe saying how much you admire DS’s friendly approach and how much it will help him in life might help. She sounds competitive.

TheVintageMum · 01/02/2024 05:23

Pheebee · 01/02/2024 04:55

Before I start - not saying it's ok for DD to be bitchy ofcourse it isn't.

But DD has a lot more friends than DS, she always has, very popular. She is charismatic and charming. In my experience charismatic, charming, driven, dedicated people tend to both have more friends and go further in life than the nice guy. I'm not saying it's fair but it's definitely true in my experience.

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She may have lots of friends now but as people grow up and enter the real world people will have much lesser patience for her bitchiness. I would take kindness any day over someone who is ambitious but not a nice person. I really think you are underestimating your son and will probably come to regret it.

TheVintageMum · 01/02/2024 05:25

SusanSHelit · 01/02/2024 05:11

Tbh I'd be vastly more disappointed with any dc of mine being a judgemental bully, no matter how "charismatic", than not as academically focused (his current expected grades are still not bad btw)

In fact I'd be quite livid if I found out my dc was a bully and wonder where the fuck I had gone wrong.

100% agree!

RawBloomers · 01/02/2024 05:26

TheVintageMum · 01/02/2024 05:23

She may have lots of friends now but as people grow up and enter the real world people will have much lesser patience for her bitchiness. I would take kindness any day over someone who is ambitious but not a nice person. I really think you are underestimating your son and will probably come to regret it.

Show quote history

Not sure why people think the lad is kind. He won’t look after shared spaces and he dropped his job because he doesn’t like his harder working sister being able to earn more than him. Those aren’t the action of someone who’s particularly kind.

Original poster

Pheebee · 01/02/2024 05:28

RawBloomers · 01/02/2024 05:19

Having twins too, OP, I understand how hard it is not to judge and compare. DH and I have to remind ourselves that they are different people, developing at different rates and in different ways. And that they also have to contend with having each other to “compete” with. I think they can feel a lot of pressure to distinguish themselves from each other by opting for the opposite IYSWIM. We have one with very high executive function and one who, well, struggled in that department. What seemed to make the difference with the struggling one (apart from age) was distance from her twin. When they were no longer in the same school, they both flourished. If you can get your DS off to uni next year, you may find he finds his feet without (what may be to him) the “perfect” example of his twin.

I hope so. I think posters who think a “friendly” lad who can’t be arsed to pick up after himself, doesn’t go out and tries to live on a wing and prayer instead of knuckling down and doing the work is going to do better in life or be more liked are kidding themselves. But he needs the space for his efforts to have some meaning and not always seem like the poor companion to his sister’s.

Edited

I agree totally, luckily they have applied for all different unis so the independence will do them well. Issue is the one DS likes most would make sense for him to stay at home so I'm slightly hoping that changes, the independence would do him good.

I think people have misunderstood what I meant by bitchy and a bully. She's never actually bullied anyone, she's kind. However she has high standards for herself and can be bitchy when they aren't met (especially food quality or similar). The bullying is mainly towards her brother (infact I'd say entirely).
She's very well liked and her confidence and high standards will do her well in the world!
I also think it's funny people think DS can change but DD can't. I think all teenagers can be a little bitchy or atleast the once I've known but turn out mostly as decent adults!!

OP posts:

SusanSHelit · 01/02/2024 05:30

On the other hand you won't meet a nicer funnier lad, he's great to be around just can't get his head screwed on!!

DD has her flaws too though, she can be quite bitchy and a bit mean, definitely have issues with her being judgmental and a bit of a bully (especially when it comes to how people look)

This implies he's much kinder than his sister

Cookiecrumblepie · 01/02/2024 05:33

OP do also remember that if you don’t stop judging your son and comparing them, he may just meet a girlfriend/wife at uni who does ‘get’ him and that will be the last you will see of him