For staying in my job when DP doesn't want me to?

Stay in your job. You will resent him if you have to work somewhere you don’t like, and be really miserable going in day after day. If you’re doing all the domestic work you’re doing enough to help.

Why not keep working in your nice job and take on another job and match your DH’s overtime hours. But then he has to start pulling his weight by dividing the household chores

What on earth made you show your DP your thread?

IMO: this is definitely not the kind of relationship to convert into a married one, if you want a happy harmonious married life.

Speaking as someone who has been mostly unhappy in my current Job for past approx 4 years, with no luck in alternative job applications, I look back on my previous job/department wistfully wishing I’d never left, even though it was 11 years ago. So I say you are wise to be reluctant to move with all the positive points you made about it. Generally speaking men don’t get as emotionally attached to their jobs as women do. Fortunately for me, my kind & understanding husband has suggested I retire early next year (9 years before state pension, but less than 2 years before current job pension) as we have worked out we should be able to manage financially reasonably comfortably on his salary alone, though we won’t be as financially well off. Quality of life isn’t just about material things, it’s about enjoying all aspects of your life, including work if possible. Try to convey this to your partner, if he still stubbornly pushes you to leave your current job you may want to re-consider your future with him. As one person commented earlier, an income of £70,000 per year ought to be enough for 2 people to live on, even if you live in London.

Just last night my DH and I were talking about a career he'd turned down in pharmaceutical sales and how we'd have so much more $ today if he'd stuck in that role. But we quickly agreed he'd have sold his soul. Looking back we don't regret his lower-earning career choice because he spent far more time with DDs when young and is happier today. And it's now like we're living in poverty or anything. We just don't take fancy trips 3x year like his former colleagues and our car is 12 years old.

Your incompatible nether are wrong

you don’t want to earn more liking the job is more a priority

he doesn’t want to have to pick up the financial void left by you not earning what you potentially could

No no no no no nope. Red flags everywhere. Do not give up this job - by all means ask around regarding development possibilities, additional hours etc but don't risk losing this, especially if children are on the cards at some point. Also these many hours of domestic jobs that he doesn't help with - what the actual heck? Does he think you have a three way house share with the housework fairy? Time to sit down and thrash out responsibilities, income and communication with your partner, and see where each of you see life going for you as a partnership.

It's your career.

My DH goes on about me looking for a job that pays better but he doesn't understand my field. I have it pretty good, flexible, and great team. I'm happy and not leaving.

If you love your job stay in it. If he loves you he will want you to be happy. Tell him to sack the overtime & review your spending so you can live on £70k & pay off the debt.

Why do you do everything around the house? You do realise that when you have kids he’ll expevt you to everything with them too!! You’ll be the one taking time off when they’re sick etc.

I thought this yesterday but didnt post. Now I've read your partners reverse post I'm posting to say it:
Cut your losses OP. He is not a prince amongst anything. Bin him and move on.

You could suggest he takes on all the household duties that you are currently doing and you will take a second job to bring extra income, he will quickly change his mind.

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/4999590-for-asking-my-partner-to-consider-changing-jobs-to-allow-me-to-work-less

would you send us a link to his thread?

If I'm honest, I would be worried about you marrying him. He seems very controlling

Do nor change jobs! Not while you're happy. It's so rare to be really happy in a job, and so important. It's a large part of your life.

@CountryGirl89 100% agree that the relationship is not mature enough to weather what life throws.

But they are in this situation on the basis of known quantities (her earnings and his earnings, her job and his job, her facilitating their pet ownership etc). It is therefore unreasonable of him to guilt and pressure her into now trying to change jobs for a notional pay increase, and even more unreasonable of him to simply double down in his position when she indicates that many others agree he is being unreasonable.

If he wants to work less hours and the result is they have a more frugal lifestyle he should absolutely be able to do so without her laying guilt on him for that. But this isn’t about the ins and outs - it’s about a clearly incompatible set of values and OP avoiding being with someone who is happy to use their earning power as a way of aggressively diminishing OP’s contribution and values.

If we were OP’s BFFs I’m sure we’d have a much longer and more nuanced conversation with her, and I’m sure her partner has his good qualities. But what he is showing (from both her thread and his own) is a seriously immature attitude at best and, at worst, one which could lead to a lifetime of OP feeling unsupported and not good enough. My unnuanced view, is that it’s not a risk worth taking.

TBH @daisyviolet you should be glad he has shown you this side of him before you got married or had children.

Someone who loves you would not be asking you to do this. Your salary is reasonable and you work FT. Can you imagine how his head would really explode if you wanted to work PT in future, or take extended maternity leave? Have you asked him? He is responsible for his happiness at work, and you are responsible for yours.

I would probably be re - evaluating the whole relationship in your shoes.

Of course it's relevant!
MN is always bleating about how couples should share finances completely. By extension the source of said finances, i.e. jobs, also becomes shared business.

The OP wants her 'happy little job' instead of prioritising a bigger income. OK. But she/they haven't scaled their financial goals down to meet this. They took on debt yet are trying to save for a wedding. OP wants a new car soon. Can you genuinely not see the inconsistency?

The housework is getting people's backs up. But it's not going to solve the problem. Even if the DP does less overtime and more housework. They're still not going to have enough money.

If you want to prioritise happiness over money then your financial decisions should reflect that. This halfway house is not only immature it's also unsustainable.
The key point here is. WHO is the financial driver of all these decisions. If it's the OP then it's not unreasonable for him to suggest that she makes more money. If it's him, then he's being very very U.

FYI I think this relationship is doomed because neither of them are mature enough to communicate or plan financially. But, I strongly disagree with everyone saying he has 'no right to comment' and that it's all his fault, LTB while ignoring the fact that the OP also wants more money. It would be different if the man was the higher earner but just didn't want to share as we see so often on here.

MN is sadly incapable of nuanced thinking. Especially when it comes to men.

That thread would be the final straw for me oh he posted it. He’s utterly pathetic!

However it’s even more pathetic if you posted it.

How bloody childish either way!!

This is the only question that needs asking.

Stay in your job and pay half of everything so he doesn’t have to subside your choice
none of this he earns more so pays a
higher %
50/50 all fair

Call off the entire engagement, wedding etc. thrown his ring in his face, and kick him out of your life altogether. He's a sexist chauvinistic monster who thinks he has the right to control women.

Tell him to go back to his crayons and play dough!

I'd think long and hard about marrying him! He sounds like a control freak to me. If you love the job you're in now and happy with the wages, hours etc. then stay exactly where you are! Don't go into another job where they could be toxic etc.

If he's got such an opinion now, what would be be like at or after the wedding?

I believe OP when she says that, as a childless unmarried couple, her DP still thinks it’s his prerogative to weigh in on her job choices to the extent that she feels guilty and unreasonable for staying in a role which makes her happy rather than prioritising a bigger income.

I don’t think the rest of it is really that relevant tbh. He is showing his attitude - it stinks - she should get rid of him and find someone whose values are more aligned with her own (as should he).