For asking my partner to consider changing jobs to allow me to work less?

[LPJ123]

Hi - long time lurker, first time poster. DP and I are 32, no kids, engaged. We've been together for 13 years. We both work full time.

This morning, we had a big argument as I would like them to consider moving jobs to earn more money.

They earn 30k in a job that they love - very flexible, generous holiday, the people are nice, no toxicity, the work itself is challenging but very enjoyable. It's a small company that genuinely cares about its employees; they say they’re not just another number.

I earn around 40k basic, but last year earned 65k due to all the overtime I do. I need to do this for us as we bought and renovated a house together recently. We are also trying to save for a wedding and our future. I have also been paying off a my student loan through PAYE - it’s almost done. We have other debts. My partners car is on its last legs. We’re both feeling the strain money-wise.

I feel it's unfair that I have to work so much overtime. I don’t like my job- I work in a (window-less) factory, and it can be extremely stressful at times. The company culture is also poor. I work early/late shifts (I just came off permanent nights after 5 years) and I feel these shifts are really taking a toll on me.

I feel guilty that I have asked them to consider leaving their job and lovely colleagues for a workplace they could be absolutely miserable in. However I do feel it’s unfair that I’m killing myself to support us both and our future plans.

My partner currently picks up most of the work at home- cleaning, cooking, laundry, food shopping, mental admin, dog walking etc. (I would say 80/20 split). I would like to contribute more but often I’m simply not at home or absolutely exhausted from long / early shifts. As our house renovation is also ongoing I often spend time working on this rather than doing housework.

My ideal scenario would be a better balance of roles.

AIBU?

Bravo 👏

If you are miserable then something has to change, I agree.

Will your partner be able to easily find another role?

I think that I would approach this from a "something has to change" point of view and see what your partner's ideas and thoughts are.

Unless I’m missing something here (doubt it), why can’t you change your job since you don’t even like it?

This is the reverse of another post I think?

🤔hmmm reverse?

Could you change jobs and find something less stressful and shorter hours?
Sounds like DP has perfect job. We done..
but it's unreasonable to expect you to suffer in yours. Yes the household money will probably decrease. Therefore are you both prepared to change your standard of living?
There has to be a balance in life

You’ve got yourself a cocklodger I’m afraid.

I’m all for partnership and shared finances, but it only works when both people are putting in equal effort. You are working your socks off to support the family and build a future for you both, whilst he is coasting.

He is an adult, he is living a lifestyle beyond his mean’s because he is being supported by you. You haven’t agreed to support him. So either he needs to step up and start doing his share of taking on the financial load or the resentment will eat away at you. It’s one thing if he is working as hard as he can and can only bring in 30k, but he is coasting

Agree this is the reverse of another recent post.

Changing jobs would be an option if my partner could earn more. Within the area we live my salary is way above average for the industry, so I’d almost certainly take a pay cut. I have considered retraining many times but this has been put on the back-burner as it’s unaffordable in our current situation

How can you not manage on 70k pa between you and no kids? Perhaps look at where all your money is going, plug that leak, then you can both do jobs you enjoy and share the housework?

Just a teeny tiny reverse

Same post the other day, why the need to post again from the other perspective?

www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/4997707-for-staying-in-my-job-when-dp-doesnt-want-me-to

I’m confused by this post.
From what I’m reading there’s nothing stopping you?
You've got no kids or reasons like paying off a Mafia debt to the factory owner or your DP is benefiting from your factory work in some personal way, to stop you from getting a new job

i put YABU as I don’t know what’s stopping you!!

This was my thought.

If your DP were to change jobs, are there any that pay loads more in their field? Or would they need to change sector or career path?

Have you stretched yourselves and need to consider reigning in or pausing the house Reno?

I can't imagine a scenario where I'd ask my DH to leave a job that he loves and that has great benefits and a reasonable salary.

Partners a she not a he - not that it matters. Did you miss the part where his wife is doing 80% of all the household chores? Which I'd bet money on being more than 80%

I don’t think your partner should have to change from a job that’s perfect.
But you both need to readjust your priorities - a cheaper wedding, cheaper house!

If you’re not willing to lower your expectations then you will need to keep earning what you are now.

If you don’t have children then you should be able to have a decent quality of life if you were both on 30k a year.

We were married abroad just us and close family and it was a fraction of the cost of a UK wedding (we didn’t want a big do and wanted the day to be about us).
DH took redundancy during Covid after they tried changing the contract and now earns alot less and I’m part time to spend time with our children so we’ve both prioritised time over money.

You have to make some changes and decide what is most important to you.

Yes, tedious reverse.

If you don't like your job, why don't you change?

Or you could downsize your lifestyle to fit your income? You could get married without an expensive wedding. Sell the house, as you can't afford the renovations (or accept it will take longer).

Have a cheaper wedding. Your student loan is not a debt you need to rush to pay off just see it like another tax.

Quit your job and find one you like and if you two can't afford your house together you'll just have to sell up.

Can you stop doing the overtime?

It might be worthwhile to consider the impact on your relationship if both of you were tired and overworked in jobs you hated.

@Fallenangelofthenorth actually there's no mention of he or she. It's all neutral. You're assuming a wife. Probably based on 80% of the housework.

No I'm not. I read the reverse yesterday.

How would you feel if your partner wanted you to change job so they could work less?