Child maintenance reduction

@Istheregoldattheendoftherainbow
I'd like to offer you my perspective, as someone whose parents split up when I was sixteen. My mum received a lot of maintenance for me and my sibling, got to stay in the house (mortgage free) until we were in 20s. I resented that she was never prepared to spend any of the maintenance on anything for us other than food and bills (I had to buy clothes and Toiletries from pocket money from my dad, and later from my part time job), so I kind of look at it as not only did she not financially contribute to the last years of our childhood she also 'profited' from us living with her.

I wonder whether it would make sense for your husband to cut back his payments in line with whatever CMS says he owes, then set some more money aside for his kids for the future (Just like you're paying into an ISA for your child).
He might also like to consider writing a dated letter to each of them now, and sealing it in an envelope and leaving unopened, so that even if there is hardly any contact during their childhood he can one day give them the money towards uni/a car/a house and let them know that he did always care for them and do right by them? If he does manage to get contact with them reinstated (and I really hope he puts all his efforts into doing so) then he can even use that money towards more expensive things they might need as they get older?

can I just clear up we’ve been to court umpteen times
In 4 years time! Where do you live that the court system is so efficient?

And you said that he didn't leave her for you, so it's not even 4 years!

Can't help but think we are only getting a small part of the story here...

Anyone considering whether to reduce their income surely looks at their financial commitments to decide whether it's viable.

For him, dropping his income if he cannot meet his financial commitments (even putting aside his children's well-being) is not viable. Is he reducing or breaking any other financial commitment or is it just the maintenance? Nowhere else he could cut his cloth to enable this drop in income?

You & he have made a joint decision for the benefit of your child. He hasn't given the same consideration to his other children (does that sound like a good dad?). And the ex is just expected to pick up the impact of that.

You know he isn't a wonderful Dad OP, you've said so on this thread. I'm not saying that to attack you or your husband. But you're clearly a very capable woman and it's always sad to see women like you folding themselves into knots to defend men like your husband and working their arses off to provide a quality of life for him. In real life people will umm and ahh along with what you say, but many will be silently judging and losing respect for you. Especially when you combine finances and then reduce maintenance, as you then become part of the problem.

Yeah, all about how he neglected (your words) his first children by never spending time with them.

All about how he hasn’t gone back to court to get access to them.

All about how he’s going part time to spend time with his shiny new baby and reducing. Maintenance for the children he’s been neglecting since they were born.

If that’s your definition of a good dad then you need to raise the bar.

MMM interesting.

That thread is almost word for word the ex’s side of this story. Although OP hasn’t yet admitte here that she was the OW but I always figured that was likely.

To be very clear u will never win
you can’t pick and choose she wanted to go through the cms when it suited

cms and court for access sounds like parental alienation

You think a man who dumps his infant children is a good dad? How much can a man change in at most 2 years?

Do you have any sympathy for his failed 'starter' family?

Look, you have already made up your mind. You keep justifying it because of the ex behaviour. Your DH will wreck his relationship with his children and there will be no way back. He is a terrible father, not the great dad you try to make him out. I couldn't be married to someone with such low morals. Reducing his hours and changing job to a lesser paid role so his children get less. sorry, but one cannot sink much lower than that. Doesn't matter if his ex is toxic or not but reading all your replies, I am not so sure the ex is as evil as you made her out in any case.

This man is not the prince you think he is. You are not the magical fairytale princess that changed him. He is still a toad, just one who has found a financially convenient pond to loaf about in.

Yep. I knew this thread seemed familiar.

So is dh paying 3x the amount the cms recommends at the moment?

If so then he could drop down to double the amount.

Anyone else thinking of this other thread on reading this one?
https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/4968237-to-think-he-should-maintain-current-contributions?page=13

The right thing to do would be paying high levels of maintenance.

Your husband was a shit partner and was (and still is) a shit dad. You say you ensured you were in a good financial position before you had children, but clearly he didn't did he? And how could you have been through 'years' of hell with the ex when his kids are only 5 & 7? How old were they when he completely ditched them for you and to make his shiny new happy family? The youngest can't have been more than 3!

While all of this may be true (and I do think there’s a lot of it in here). The OP can’t do a damn thing about any of it. We’ll maybe the maintenance going down, but ultimately it sounds like that’s what her DH wants to do.

The fact is the SC are going to resent the half-sibling, the SM, and Dad. The ex wife if sounds like she has the victim role solidified, and the OP, does sound like she gives a damn about the SC but realistically can’t do much.

At the end of of the day if kids get through childhood with all of these dynamics with some relationship intact with the all of the step/halfs and the non-custodial parent that’s all you can really hope for.

In other words minimize damage. But realistically it’s rarely going to be a great outcome.

Is it unreasonable to reduce it to the CMS suggested level?

No. If the children are old enough to have an opinion on whether they visit or not, then they are old enough for her to go to work and support them too.

@Istheregoldattheendoftherainbow I would have let her. She needs to know he will not back down and the kids need to know he will fight for them.
He has a court order doesn't he?

Yes, I agree this could well be the case. I specifically chose to take what op is saying at face value rather than speculate as she is not going to acknowledge what you’re saying. She may, however, be able to understand my point.

Except Dad could push for this solution by going back to court, but won't. It's the combination of both that's the issue. He wants to drop maintenance while not doing everything he can to see his DC more.

If you split and you ended up only getting every orher weekend would you give up on your DC? I'm betting you couldn't imagine doing what he's done, but somehow while it's morally indefensible what she's done, which it is, you somehow find what he's done acceptable.

His ex is acting out of vengeance to the detriment of the children
Or because he wasn't happy motionally there for his first kids, which OP acknowledges herself, and yet his priority is to spend one to one time with his new baby than going back to court to ask the judge to act to the fact his ex broke an established order.

He seems to just accept that his children just don't want to see him and his concern is maintenance.

That's a pretty crap dad who does that, not one who is heartbroken that he doesn't get to see his eldest kids.

This is such good advice op and something to heed.

His ex is acting out of vengeance to the detriment of the children. Reducing the financial contribution to the CMS amount for his new job on a new salary will undoubtedly compound it.

The two together sound like a blue print for estrangement from his kids and a lifetime of resentment / therapy for them.