"I've never found him attractive"

Or it’s never talked about on here because it very seldom happens, rather than being some widespread phenomenon which is hushed up?

Agree and that's so common but never talked about on here, because well it's women who can't do no wrong. I think women can be as sly, calculating and equally awful as men and more often in fact.

So the two things we should base marriage on are things that can change very easily? after 10 years i imagine neither looked the same so there’s attractiveness gone and after kids, age, sexual disfunction there goes sex life too,

True physical attraction and passion isn't necessarily related to anything as shallow as physical looks though. It's the spark and chemistry, and with time, assuming kindness and compatability, it grows even deeper.

Why do you assume it’s intentional? Hormones make you do some things in one situation that you wouldn’t without the hormones. Mr Dull may seem more attractive when you want to nest but not seem sexy at all when the wind shifts. And that’s okay. If he didn’t want to get you pregnant then he would have not had sex, entirely his choice!

So the two things we should base marriage on are things that can change very easily? after 10 years i imagine neither looked the same so there’s attractiveness gone and after kids, age, sexual disfunction there goes sex life too,

In my experience it has been the opposite. I know so many people who's relationship started because they were attracted to the other person's looks.
They eventually end up fighting a lot and splitting up.
My husband and I got together because we like spending time with each other, we get on really well and make each other laugh. It was never about looks (I am not pretty at all).
In 14 years we have had 11 arguments.
We are really happy and have a great sex life.

I know someone who did just this. Two kids and several years down, in a sexless unhappy marriage. I feel sad for both of them.

>>Men don’t really need “armour” as much though do they as their appearances aren’t so harshly judged.

clearly you haven't read a fair few of the comments on here.
I do hope you aren't putting the blame for some women's more than liking for make-up on men.

Looks aren’t everything I spent a few years in a relationship with someone who I was not attracted to physically - in fact he was everything I found physically unattractive in a man
However he was intelligent, witty, the life and soul of every party and dynamite in bed
What ended it in the end was our differing attitudes to money - he was a spender and I was a saver and that marriage and children were more important to me

Yes this is my situation exactly. I dont think i ever found my dh physically attractive, objectively he is not good looking, he was short and skinny when young, tubby and bald now, never had any money either btw, but I fell in love with him and we always had a great sex life. Not any more sadly, he let me down one too many times over the years so our relationship has gone to shit. If he was a mra he would probably assume I got what I wanted, a home and dc but despite his flaws he has more sense than that.

Marrying someone you aren’t attracted to would be weird but maybe it depends how you define attraction.

I do think people are maybe talking at cross purposes or have their own particular meaning. Like saying you were attracted to someone's pesonality rather than their looks could mean you fancied the pants off them while being aware they didn't have conventional looks. Or it could mean you really liked their company but didn't have a sexual attraction.

Would you leave the house without your "armour" on?

Men don’t really need “armour” as much though do they as their appearances aren’t so harshly judged.

I have had experience of being attracted to someone who objectively I would have said was unattractive which I assume is down to chemistry or whatever. Marrying someone you aren’t attracted to would be weird but maybe it depends how you define attraction.

Rubbish! Didn't the 'old maid' trope die out in the 18somethings? I don't remember that thinking from the 80's more the reverse and then you had ladette thinking in the 90's which also wasn't good.

In some of these cases, I think maybe some women get towards middle age, and natural hormonal changes, and their libido tanks. And while it may be true that they were never super-attracted - maybe they always had lowish libido - once it really tanks, sex can be really hard.

Would they have managed better with a guy they were more attracted to initially? Maybe, but not necessarily. I've certainly known women who were attracted to a man, but they still lost almost all interest in sex at the menopause, and in fact started to find it a bit disgusting.

I think that element is important to understand too. Sex is disgusting, objectively, and in order to have it, our body suppresses the disgust response during sex. Our bodies can have a sexual response to certain stimuli even if we aren't very attracted. It can even happen during a sexual assault which can be very upsetting for people when it happens.

But if your body, due to hormonal changes, becomes less vigorous at suppressing the disgust response, sex can suddenly become much worse than it seemed before. Or even go from nice to really terrible.

Would you leave the house without your "armour" on?

I don't own any makeup. I'm also happily a spinster in my forties. The two may he related.

I am middle aged and, come to think of it, there have been four men in my life that I have genuinely been really physically, sexually attracted to. One was a guy I met at the end of a year living abroad and had a brief fling with, one was a total player I had a couple of shags with, one I had a relationship with but turned out to be a completely fucked up evil dude, and one was already married. So none were marriage material.

Maybe some women just have so few men that they are attracted to, that they end up with someone they like an awful lot but are not massively hot for sexually.

I find people who say things like this are also the people who find out someone has done something wrong and say 'I always thought there was something funny about him' when they never said a word before.

:)
celebrate it/work to nourish it (if it even needs it)

Same, I'm fifty-mumble and this is not something I've ever seen or heard expressed. Not saying it doesn't happen - and if anything, I'd imagine there may be more women who don't want to admit they married someone they didn't find particularly attractive originally, as it's contrary to our prevalent modern-day "lust at first sight" narrative - but it doesn't seem to be widespread.

""I've never found him attractive" "

This is a very loaded statement tho isn't it?

When women say "found him attractive" it could mean a million things. If we are talking purely and exclusively physical then generally speaking (although there are exceptions being women who put extra emphasis on being with someone "hot") women will tolerate less than perfect physical characteristics from men where women hold themselves (and other women) to a different, arguably higher standard (which is sometimes their own downfall as men then say "oh ok then, yes I did break up with you because you are not as hot as x next door or you are not as young as y down the road or z looks like the latest celebrity/sports influencer and I fancied them).

I do genuinely think that men cheat (when they do) almost entirely for sex/lust/physical reasons. They see a woman they find physically attractive and if there are literally no obstacles they often find it almost impossible to resist notwithstanding they are married or whatever especially if they think they will get away with it and there will be no consequences for them.

Its about sex and the physical body/face of the woman.

A statement like ""I've never found him attractive" " assumes a whole lot of factors around physical attractiveness which apply to women but not to men in today's society so the above statement is meaningless.

Added to which there must be a fair proportion of men who don't care too much whether their wives/girlfriend do or ever did find them attractive, just so long as they give sex and show a minimum level of willingness/enthusiasm.

Question - have you ever known a woman who, on the day they got married had said to their husband to be "I love you but if you put in 4 stone I am going to divorce you"?

I cannot imagine in the history of time any woman has ever said that to her husband to be whereas I imagine there have been more than a few men who have actually come out and said that to their bride to be before the wedding.

I think in a lot of cases it’s just the desperation to not be seen to be shitting out. “Look at me, I’m married with kids too”. Some women want the wedding and not the marriage. Jump in with the first bloke who pays them attention. I think you see this more with women who have been dumped by partners. “I’ll show him how brilliantly it’s all turned out for me now I’m with the love of my life” Basically anyone will do. No wonder there is so much resentment

That's really nice to read, and I hope you both feel like that always. But in fairness, I said 30 years! Neither of you are even 40 yet and have yet to navigate the ravages of time! Perhaps you'll still be starry eyed about each other when you're in your 80s, but my point was if you're not, as many couples aren't, it doesn't mean you can't have a happy and fulfilled marriage, as the spark is only one part of that.

There is nothing wrong with being pragmatic. Too many women have bought into the fallacy that passion is the be all and end all to having a fulfilled life. Plus that passion should last forever. It rarely does. In a long relationship, sex usually becomes mundane. We all age. It can be staved off for a time by artifice, but the maiden and mother years always pass. The third age is that of the crone. Do you want to spend your cronedom alone or with someone decent you've made a life with? A decent man will accept that you're not the lovely young thing you were in your twenties. Women should accept that too