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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Love DH but have never fancied him.

31 replies

Brightskieswinterdays · 27/12/2021 19:26

Has anyone been in this situation and what was the outcome?
I’m finding it more and more difficult, clearly we should never have got married but at the time I settled. I shouldn’t have settled.
Sex is nonexistent, he’d like it, I wouldn’t. He’s trying to do all the right things but I’ve never fancied him so I’m not sure there’s much he can do. When he tries to initiate sex my body just says no and even kissing him feels wrong.
We’ve three children, 5, 9 and 12.
Things have sort of come to a head this Christmas as he’s tried to initiate sex and I just haven’t been able to do it.
What do I do?

OP posts:

YenniferOfVengaBus · 27/12/2021 19:31

We’re in the final stages of trying to make it work.

But really we both know it’s over and we’re just trying to try everything so we can pet on good terms and be gentle with wach other.

We s parlayed for six months earlier this year and we missed one another terribly- we weren’t ready to part. I think if it hadn’t been for Covid and we’d be able to have a wider social life/ start dating it might have been different but probably not.

I think we’ll go back and forth a bit for the next year or two and then get amicably divorced when we’re emotionally and practically ready, have gotten our heads round things and the world has opened back up a bit more.

Thellis · 27/12/2021 19:34

Yup, currently pregnant with our second but I know deep down it isn't right. I love him and I'm so comfortable around him but there isn't that chemistry, I don't fancy him and it's hard. I'm worried I shouldn't of got pregnant again, I know I shouldn't of really.

Holothane · 27/12/2021 19:35

I used to fancy mine but don’t now haven’t for years he’s never been big on sex I’ll health.

crestar · 27/12/2021 19:35

To be perfectly frank without beating about the bush, you have potentially ruined 4 lives.

You have a husband that has done nothing wrong and your children will potentially suffer because of your actions.

Whilst i understand that you may not be content in your marriage - you have effectively played with your dh's life when he could have found happiness with someone else.

userxx · 27/12/2021 19:36

@Thellis

Why did you ? I don't understand why anyone would marry and have children with someone they aren't attracted to. At some point the poor sods are going to have their worlds turned upside down through absolutely no fault of their own.

EarringsandLipstick · 27/12/2021 19:37

What do I do?

Start by being honest.

You don't have to be brutal but you need to let him know the marriage is over & begin making plans to leave.

I feel very sorry for him, with your description of 'doing all the right things'. You're making a fool out of him.

Eleganz · 27/12/2021 19:40

You need to make a decision and then live with it.

What ever you do do not just dump this on your husband and ask him to decide, that is incredibly cruel.

watchmeflyhigh · 27/12/2021 19:42

Yep. Have decided to spilt. Already feeling so much better about life.
It seems like small issue in the grande scheme but for me it's huge.
We have 2 DC and are doing everything to make it an amicable split for them.

Good luck with whatever you decide.

Arren12 · 27/12/2021 19:43

You say you have never fancied him but you must have seen something to get together and threw the first stages of your relationship. I don't believe there was literally no attraction there as if so you would have left. Plus you have had 3 children so how did you have sex with him then? Is it that perhaps you have both become so comfortable you have forgotten the times when you were attracted to him?

Arren12 · 27/12/2021 19:43

Through the first stages sorry

Casper001 · 27/12/2021 19:45

I don't understand this. You managed to have 3 kids with him and build a family?

EngTech · 27/12/2021 19:47

And people wonder why men won’t commit to long term relationships and get married

ButterflyBlue13 · 27/12/2021 19:50

This is awful.

It would seriously hurt me if someone got married to me and had children with me cause they "settled". That poor man could of had a different life.

Suprima · 27/12/2021 19:51

You can’t really do anything about it. You have never fancied him and never will- your fault for settling really.

Leave him or be miserable. There is more honour in the first- you can’t expect him to have a sexless marriage with someone not attracted to him.

Bailey48 · 27/12/2021 19:53

Could have written this myself !!!! Ok the verge of splitting I am Billie who fantasises of Brad !

Skyfall100 · 27/12/2021 20:00

Looking for some advice please. I have three children with my husband who we have been married for 15 years. For the last few years he barely touches me unless I’m the one who instigates sex. Most nights he will fall asleep without even saying night or giving me a kiss. When I ask him why he’s like this he says he’s tired and that some times I don’t either but I told him it’s only because I’m waiting to see if he’s going to say it first! I don’t want to live in such a loveless marriage but I’m not sure if I would ever meet someone else plus I wouldn’t want to see him with anyone else either. Talking doesn’t work as he just thinks I’m being silly. I have tried to tell him to leave before but he won’t as he works from home as says he needs to work so he can’t go. What should I do?

Handholdtoday · 27/12/2021 20:00

We are getting divorced. I've never believed the spark lasts in any relationship so when ours went I just thought it was 'normal' but then it became slowly worse and worse. The thing for me is I could grin and bear it when it came to sex. But I could NOT kiss him. For mr that I just couldn't do. I now realise that that level of physical detachment is not normal after a long long marriage

Bythebeach · 27/12/2021 20:06

This is so sad and so hard. I was like this with my previous long term relationship (10 years). I don’t know what I’d do if I was 3 children in but my thoughts are:

Does he want to stay in a relationship without sex?
Do you want to stay in a relationship without sex? If the answer is no for either of you, it’s better to split amicably before resentment and potentially affairs happen. I’m sure it’s all kinds of painful and complicated to split but if sex is important to either of you (and I accept it isn’t for some people) then I don’t see how this can work indefinitely and it seems better to understand and accept it….

ElectraBlue · 27/12/2021 20:07

Be honest with him and with yourself. The relationship is over.

It sounds like you married someone because you wanted to have kids and the security of marriage and he was the most convenient option...

I think your husband deserves better than being with someone who admits they have never fancied him.

He still has a chance to find someone who genuinely loves him as a romantic partner and you can get on with your life.

inmyslippers · 27/12/2021 20:10

Tell him, not brutally. Sign up to a life of no sex or separate

Puremule · 27/12/2021 20:13

This is a hell of a lot more common than you would think.

Salayes · 27/12/2021 20:22

What do you want to do? What are your options realistically?

You could tell him the truth and let him make up his mind if he is happy to stay in a sexless marriage (arguments for and against - it’s pretty awful to be told your spouse never fancied you and settled, OTOH he must know on some level so maybe getting it out in the open could help and give him the opportunity to make a choice for himself based on the facts).

You could do nothing, accept this is the choice you made - you’ve been with him a long time and have continued to build your family with him so there is that to consider.

You could initiate a split and say you’ve fallen out of love etc. and search for a new relationship.

Or I guess tell the truth and see if he would want to stay together but find sexual and romantic fulfilment elsewhere (i.e and open marriage.) Very fraught that option and can’t think of many who have made it work.

Other than that i’m not sure what your options are.

BasicDad · 27/12/2021 20:24

This happened to me. Please give this person the truth and the option to make their own mind if they want to stay or not.

Some men may be happy to be "settled" with. Most wouldn't be happy being part of a long con though.

The longer you leave it, the longer you potentially steal time from them. Doesn't sound like you live them after all. You love the convenience.

namechangeagain32 · 27/12/2021 20:31

I just can't correlate loving someone but not fancying them (outside of platonic and familial relationships of course, but that's a very different type of love I'm sure we'd all agree) I find it hard to believe anyone truly loves or has loved their spouse if they've never fancied them, I don't see how the 2 can be separate- not unless the relationship is now just platonic and not a truly romantic one, and that isn't what a spouse is to my mind.

dumplings1 · 27/12/2021 21:34

The outcome was divorce, I ended up resenting him and as the kids got older and I became more independent, I pushed him away and he divorced me.
People wonder why you settle but if you keep going through relationships that don't work or can't find mutual attraction you end up settling for someone who is compatible but you don't really fancy so I can understand that. I don't regret it though he's a good responsible father and we co parent fine.

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