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Original poster

To have an abortion without telling DH

449 replies

Rainbowskeepfalling · 01/11/2023 19:57

We have 2 DC, aged 3 and 1. We always knew we wanted 2 children and DH is booked in for a vasectomy in Spring next year. We're both on the same page that we don't want another child.
But we have very different views on termination. Although he says he is pro choice he doesn't feel it's something he personally could do and he's gone as far as to say that if I had a termination, even very early on he would consider that no different to taking a gun and killing one of our daughters now. I disagree massively with this and told him clearly at the time I am so certain in my choice not to have more children that I wouldn't hesitate to have a termination. This was always a hypothetical though.
Except I took a pregnancy test this morning and it was positive. We have been using condoms and I don't remember one splitting so I really don't know how this has happened. I can't have another baby. I can't. I have suffered with hyperemesis in both pregnancies and I can't do it again. I also just do not want another baby. I love my girls more than anything but I don't enjoy the day to days of parenting and each new stage we get to with my youngest I feel a bit more of my life coming back to me and I know myself well enough to know I cannot cope with a third. There is absolutely no hesitation in my mind that I will not go through with this pregnancy.

I don't want to tell DH about it. It's not something that's up for discussion in my mind, I'm not doing it and it's as simple as that. I know that makes me sound horrible and I promise I'm not a horrible person normally but I know myself and I know I can't do this. But DH will want me to. He'll see it as it wasn't planned, it's not ideal but here we are and so let's get on with it. But it's not him that has to be pregnant or give birth or even do the majority of the parenting as I would take the year off and then work part time and have to manage the daily grind far more than him.
He's a wonderful man, he really is. I love him so much but what good can come from telling him if all that will do is hurt him, maybe even make him hate me but even so I know there's nothing he or anyone can say that'll make me change my mind.

OP posts:
Grumpy101 · 01/11/2023 20:01

As you say, he's not the one that has to go through pregnancy, give birth, take mat leave, deal with day to day crap. Have the termination. Whether you tell him or not is up to you. He has no right to know. It's a bunch of cells that cannot survive without you, not murdering a fucking baby. If you believe in the right to choose, it's all the way.

Your body, your life, your choice.

notlucreziaborgia · 01/11/2023 20:03

Your body, your choice.

You’ll be told he’ll find out, but there’s no reason why he should. Have the termination you want and move forward with your life and family.

BiscuitsandPuffin · 01/11/2023 20:03

Colleen Hoover plot?

MassageForLife · 01/11/2023 20:04

Obviously it's not ideal - but in your circumstances I would do the same thing.

Good luck

jm9138 · 01/11/2023 20:05

I don't really understand why you have posted on AIBU. You ended by saying nothing anyone can say will make you change your mind. So not sure what you want other than confirmation of your choice (so put it in chats or relationships) or an argument.

BeingATwatItsABingThing · 01/11/2023 20:05

He doesn’t sound very pro-choice! He realises he wouldn’t go through an abortion right? It’s your body and your choice.

PizzaPastaWine · 01/11/2023 20:05

I'd tell him I was pregnant and then go on ahead with the termination. My experience of having a termination is that the psychological impact cannot be underestimated. I realise this is different for everyone but please be completely sure.

TeaKitten · 01/11/2023 20:06

Your husband is not pro choice.

It’s your body and your choice, but it’s a big secret to keep. Only you can decide.

Sapphire387 · 01/11/2023 20:07

I can't imagine not telling my husband. I think he would be sad but ultimately he would respect my decision. As your DH should be respecting yours.

Original poster
Rainbowskeepfalling · 01/11/2023 20:08

@jm9138 okay, fine, have it moved. My AIBU is about whether I tell my DH, Not whether I have the termination but if this is the wrong forum it can be moved, I don't really care. I don't use Mumsnet that much, sorry I don't know the rules.

OP posts:
TedMullins · 01/11/2023 20:08

PizzaPastaWine · 01/11/2023 20:05

I'd tell him I was pregnant and then go on ahead with the termination. My experience of having a termination is that the psychological impact cannot be underestimated. I realise this is different for everyone but please be completely sure.

My experience of a termination is that I felt nothing but relief and barely ever think of it now, only when the topic comes up (like now). 10 years later I’m still just pleased I don’t have a child I don’t want. YANBU OP, but your husband is for saying he’s pro-choice when he clearly isn’t. It’s not his body and not his business.

pineapplepinecones · 01/11/2023 20:08

Do what you have to do but it will be tricky keeping it from your dh.

difficult situation.

VerticalSausages · 01/11/2023 20:08

In your position I would do exactly what you are suggesting. Maybe it’s not The Right Thing to do, but it is what I would do.

Pinkpinkpink15 · 01/11/2023 20:09

YANBU

Your body, your choice. Until he can be the one being pregnant/giving birth etc it's YOUR. Decision.

but you need to be certain you can keep it a secret forever. It would be worse to tell him after you've done it.

Do you have a family member or friend you can stay with for a few days?

why isn't his vasectomy booked until next April?

i think you need to look at adding another form of contraception until after that.

StarDolphins · 01/11/2023 20:09

In your situation, I would terminate and not tell him.

AtrociousCircumstance · 01/11/2023 20:09

Have the termination and don’t tell your DH. It’s a choice you’re making about your body and the last thing you need is someone being ferociously opposed to that, being emotive and pressurising.

Bobslug · 01/11/2023 20:10

I think it’s ok either way, but ideally you would tell him. It can be corrosive to a marriage to have secrets.

jm9138 · 01/11/2023 20:10

It was not meant to be snarky (sorry it sounded that way). Just if it is here then you can expect some quite vocal opinions about your choice that may not be what you want to engage with right now (not that you might not get that on another part of mumsnet of course)

OhNoForever · 01/11/2023 20:11

Your husband is anti-choice and a misogynist. I would have the termination.

ButterMyParsnip · 01/11/2023 20:13

That was my experience too @TedMullins DH and I weren't married but had been together for 4 years and already knew we didn't want children at all. The most stressful part was figuring out how to get an abortion. Once I did, it was relief. These days I couldn't even tell you what year it happened. Obviously my DH knew but if I thought he wouldn't support it I would have had one anyway and said nothing.

Chattybot · 01/11/2023 20:13

If you do it in secret and IF he finds out, your marriage may well be over.

BUT if you tell him and do it against his will, sounds like your marriage may be over anyway.

And if you have the baby, you will resent both him and the baby and your life will be shite. I don't give much for your marriage's chances with that level of resentment.

So actually I think the best thing to do is exactly what you're planning to do. You all have a bigger chance at happiness that way.

Crunchymum · 01/11/2023 20:14

Have a termination, don't tell him and good luck raising daughters with such a misogynistic prick.

** Men with such extreme views on terminations are a huge red flag to me

Antihistamine62 · 01/11/2023 20:14

It’s a 2 year wait in my area for a vasectomy- my dh is on the list too and I have found myself being careful and now having an unexpected third.
like you OP I was determined to have a termination and felt I was just getting my life back together. But I have decided to go ahead and I am currently 24 weeks.
Make the right decision for you and you alone. Like you say he’s not the one having to be pregnant and give birth.
take care of yourself

Original poster
Rainbowskeepfalling · 01/11/2023 20:14

@Pinkpinkpink15 I am very close with my sister, I could tell her and she will understand so I'm sure she'll help me if I need it.

That's just the waiting list in this area. He didn't get around to booking to see the GP until a few months ago and then this is the appointment that has been sent through for him. I will definitely be going on more contraception now yes. we were trying to avoid me having to use any hormonal contraception as I'd been on it for so many years before we had DD1 so just agreed to condoms before he could have the vasectomy. We obviously messed up.

OP posts:
EmpressSoleil · 01/11/2023 20:14

I won't say you're doing the wrong thing. You know your husband. I just worry for you that this is a big thing to carry by yourself. You may be able to breezily move on but you might not. But then who would you talk to about it? Is there anyone else in your life that you can trust 100% just to have some support?