Step children

it's not as black and white as that. I love my DH to bits and thankfully we only have DSC every other weekend but I honestly wouldn't have ever started going out with him if I knew what I know now regarding DSC.

Good advice! I'll keep it in mind 😆

As time goes on and more stepchildren grow up they will have been in the situation so understand and have empathy. I am a stepchild and I have stepchildren. One of the most difficult things in my life was losing a step parent, long after the death of both my parents. Another difficult thing was having someone foisted upon me and my relationship with DF always including SM. 40 years later and it's been one of the most stable relationships I've got. Losing my other step parent devastated me. So I'd say for the step children there can be ALOT of loss and attachments. I adore my stepchildren, I have known the 20 years and am very close, it's different from my own children but it's a loving beautiful relationship. Their DM is fantastic and no affairs were involved there was never any competition between us. Not friends or anything but no issues. It helps that my DH, her ex is a very calm, nice person who we both like! It's hardest on the kids, hands down.

Not to add further to your anxiety - make sure when you do meet that man with grownup DC, you have your own setup, so if you were to move into his giant mansion and he dies and leaves the house to you - you will may have DSC problems 🤭.

I would never date a man with young kids. I would also never date a man without kids as they wouldn't fully understand what parenthood is like. So that leaves me the option of men with grown up kids who have their own homes. And as I'm 33 and most men in that category are too old for me I just don't date at the moment!

It's honestly not that easy. Sometimes you can try your hardest and things just don't work out for whatever reason. It's difficult for everyone involved to introduce a step parent and if the child is resentful there's not always a way back.

I heard a horrible fake Reddit story the other day about a woman who has 1 DD and her fiancé had 2 DD. She was the main breadwinner, her dd has a huge inheritance and the fiance was struggling financially and couldn't adequately provide the same quality of life for his own DC's.

Absolute recipe for disaster already.

The main takeaway for me was that blended families like this where the fiance was expecting his DC should also have a horse like the her DD just doesn't work .

Ha ha convenient timing isn't it.

Yanbu IMO.

The callous attitude towards step children is probably the thing I've been most shocked at on Mumsnet. If this is reflective of views in real life I find it incredibly sad.

“People have issues with being expected to be an unpaid nanny, take abuse from the ex, have no say in anything to do with children they are expected to also form a bond with. People have issues caused by shitty parenting and unreasonable behaviour/demands, by the actual parents.”

Well said @ChristmasCrumpet

Yes yes we do know that. What our crystal ball doesn’t tell us is how unbelievably mental and nasty and truely horrific ex wives can be. How you’ll get stalked online and receive abuse from people you’ve never met. How the kids are ‘briefed’ how you have to accept all the shit behaviours where they are in your home and you pay for everything and they despise you. It doesn’t tell you that your DH will try so hard and the kids won’t give a shit. It doesn’t tell you that every time an event matters to you the step kids will go out of their way to be there and ruin it.

I’m not going to love and respect people that do not love and respect me or my kids or my home. Who are self entitled and spoilt and actually damn right rude to my face.

So please pipe down OP, mate you haven’t even begun to have a clue about how absolute horrible it can be.

I agree with you 100% OP.

If (God forbid) something happened to my DH, I would never enter into a relationship with someone who had kids because I can foresee too many issues and don't need any drama.

Yes - you're right.

But I know I'd find it really difficult. I'm not fond of children generically - to me they're people, and as such I might or might not warm to them - but I wouldn't automatically like them because they're children.

It seems to me it's an extra layer of concern/uncertainty when forming a new relationship. If you fall in love with someone and then find they've got children...and you don't warm to those children...nightmare.

I don't know what the answer is! Be a good actor and do the right thing, of course, but it would be hard for me. I think bringing up children can be tough when they're yours - it must be really difficult if you don't have that automatic bond.

Yes- I read it as she didn’t want SD as part of the bridal party, as she wasn’t family and she barely knew her. But she was happy for the child to have a role in the grooms side, which to me is more appropriate anyway.

but as always it’s stepmum hates child and doesn’t want her to attend the wedding.

🤣🤣🤣

I always said that too as anyone I knew with stepkids always had issues with a crazy ex.

Then 3 years ago my wonderful gorgeous husband fucked up those plans! 🤣

This is why I would avoid getting with someone that has children. It's really as simple as that

As others have said, it's never that straightforward.

You could start off having a great relationship with your DSC then their mother badmouths you and turns you against them.

Things could be good because initially you're not living together so only see the kids for days out. You move in together and dad treats the SM like a maid and unpaid nanny. Kids have no boundaries and run riot. Dad refuses to parent properly.

Situation with the ex could be reasonable but then SM gets pregnant or couple get engaged and the ex turns into a psycho.

Generally, the issue doesn't stem from the kids but from the partner. Having to deal with the result of lazy parenting, your partner pandering to his ex's every whim and prioritising her wants over yours, always having your plans cancelled, never being a priority.

It's all very well saying "you knew he had kids" but he chose to get into a relationship and if he's not able to manage his kids and a partner then he shouldn't have one.

Behind many* of those posts is a step parent who has been told a version of any or all of the following:

1. You don't get a say what to do in your free time (must be available for childcare etc)
2. You don't get to parent your own child the way you choose (ex does it this way for DSC so you are not allowed to do it that way)
3. You can't go on holiday because it's not fair on DSC
4. You can't take your child on a day out without DSC
5. You must excommunicate your parents as they have not included DSC in their wills.
6. Your DSC will hate your child as you chose to prioritise them in any way
7. You must suck up shitty, bratty or destructive behaviour as the DSC have split parents and they aren't yours anyway so shut up

Not an exhaustive list but you get the drift.
Fertile ground for resentment, very little of it the fault of the children themselves.

*Obviously, some SP are just dicks, same as any other part of humanity

I love this "you knew what you were getting into" tripe. Because the answer is "that expectation that the parents would parent their child."

People don't have issues with children. People have issues with being expected to be an unpaid nanny, take abuse from the ex, have no say in anything to do with children they are expected to also form a bond with. People have issues caused by shitty parenting and unreasonable behaviour/demands, by the actual parents.

Relationships build over time. Of course you must be kind- but if you were together a year or so does that person take on parental responsibility so early on? Of course not.

On the dog post, that relationship seems to be breaking down because the father doesn’t like the fact the new-GF spends more on her dog than his kids? Of course one hopes that she is kind to them-but is it really up to her after 6 months to be paying for the lifestyle he wants for them, but can’t afford?

I've been both the step child and the step parent ..and can say, it is Never that black and white. And it's stupidly reductive to say it is.

As a step child on both sides, my mother's second husband treated me as his own, not so much my elder siblings because they were older and had a good relationship with our bio dad. But then as soon as he and my mom split up, and I said I didn't want to move 100 miles away he ditched me. After 13 years of being an excellent parent to me.

My step mother was very standoffish but I have no relationship with my father anyway so that's expected. She gets on well with my siblings, and they would say they never view her as a parental figure.

As a step mom, I was devoted to my stepson. Adored him. I was his primary care giver. I did everything for him that his parents couldn't be bothered to, I took him to his first day of school, all his medical appointments, all his parents evenings. He was mine. But then I split with his dad and despite having had a child with his dad too, I never got to see him again.

All of those were hard and difficult, and all required me to find parts of myself I didn't know I'd have to.

It's never that simple.

I thought dog poster too.

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/4929335-how-can-my-brother-salvage-this-situation?page=1

This is the dog sister.

Unless you’re a step-parent you really can’t comment.
All families / situations are different and until you’re in it, you don’t know what it’s like.