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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

How can my brother salvage this situation

1000 replies

missblooming · 27/10/2023 11:19

I'm a long time user, but have set up a new name for this as I dont want it linked to my previous posts. My brother moved in with his partner about six months ago and things were going great apart from one thing, she has a huge dog and it constantly causes rows between them. Things came to a head last week and he told her it needed to go or he would, and she basically said that's fine, my brother needed to go by the end of the month.

They were so happy together and made for a nice couple. My DB was getting his life back on track, and had hoped with his new living arrangements that he would get joint custody of my niece and nephew and be able to spend some more time with them- which would be great for our whole family.

The dog had been sleeping in the GF room when he moved in, which obviously he wasnt happy with so she moved it to a spare room, but when the kids come to stay they dont like staying in what they call the 'dogs room'. Obviously it lets them know where they are in the pecking order! My DB asked for it to go in the kitchen and the GF started to dig her heels in and its become a real bone of contention.

Apart from the dog, I have never seen my brother so happy. It seems a shame that a relationship can be ruined for such a silly reason. I want to help him salvage it, but not sure where to go from here. He has gone from indifference to the dog to being absolutely fixated on it as the problem- things like she'll spend £80 on a bag of food when he's trying to clear credit card debt and cant afford to take the kids to the cinema, he just cant see past it, particularly now shes picked the dog over him.

How can we help her see that she is being unreasonable, or how can my brother let this go? I really don't want him moving back in here, and it will also mean that he is further away from getting shared custody of his kids.

OP posts:

minipie · 27/10/2023 11:22

The dog came first 🤷‍♀️

Can he not afford his own place?

Woahtherehoney · 27/10/2023 11:22

She isn’t being unreasonable at all - your brother is. If when he moved in she said she’d rehome the dog that’s one thing - but that was never the intention. It’s her dog, how dare your brother try and tell her what to do with it.

Your brother either needs to accept his girlfriend AND the dog or she isn’t the one for him, simple as that.

and what she does with her money is HER business - why should she pay off his debt?!?

LindseysDoily · 27/10/2023 11:23

She is not being unreasonable, your DB is.

LaurieStrode · 27/10/2023 11:23

Your brother is happy when he can dominate the living situation.

He needs to move out, man up and get back on track without mooching off his girlfriend or expecting her to provide a home for his kids.

And no way would i get involved with a shiftless man who thinks pets are disposable. Hope she sees the light and bins him.

Ihaterhymingrabbit · 27/10/2023 11:23

It sounds like she’s not that fussed about living with him and there must be a reason why….

It she was head over heels and he was a great partner, she would make it work.

Busephalus · 27/10/2023 11:25

It's not a silly reason, she has shown him what her priorities are early doors, stuff like that would just continue later down the line

Stresa22 · 27/10/2023 11:25

Her dog comes first.

LaurieStrode · 27/10/2023 11:25

Yes, why the hell is he monitoring her spending and what business is it of his how she spends on the dog? Has he hoodwinked her into paying his debts, too?!

Sounds like a mooching cocklodger to me.

TeeBee · 27/10/2023 11:25

She's not being unreasonable, she's running her house and her life as she sees fit. You brother has moved in with her yet he (and you) expect her to change her set up to accommodate him and his kids. Not her circus, not her monkeys. I can see why she's asked him to leave.

Coffeerum · 27/10/2023 11:26

How can we help her see that she is being unreasonable, or how can my brother let this go?

Why is she being more unreasonable than him?
She already had the dog, he knew that. It's a lifelong commitment, you can't just bin it off because a new fling has decided they don't like it.
They haven't been living together long so she obviously feels like her dog is a higher priority in her life, which is fine.

and had hoped with his new living arrangements that he would get joint custody of my niece and nephew and be able to spend some more time with them- which would be great for our whole family.

It also makes it sound like your brother and your family are using this girl to benefit your DB more than it benefits her. Why is he relying on her home to get more custody of his kids? That's his own responsibility, not his girlfriend's.

TeaKitten · 27/10/2023 11:26

she'll spend £80 on a bag of food when he's trying to clear credit card debt and cant afford to take the kids to the cinema,

Good for her, she’s not a cash cow. Your brother has moved into her place and wants to push her dog out so he can clear HIS debts and stick his kids in. He needs to get his own place for his kids and spend his own money on his debts. Good on his girlfriend for telling him he can move out.

paintingvenice · 27/10/2023 11:26

Did she know that he would be trying for custody when he moved in? It sounds like there isn’t much room for the kids as well.

I think your only hope here is changing your brothers mind towards the dog. That dog isn’t going anywhere. He owes his GF (and the dog a massive apology)

Ontheperiphery79 · 27/10/2023 11:27

Your brother not currently having 'shared custody' of his children is not the responsibility nor burden of his partner (or, her dog); it's his.

The dog was there before your brother and the kids.

I sincerely hope the dog and partner do boot your brother out and go back to their previous domestic bliss. 🐩🐩🐩

Pumpkinspicelattetime · 27/10/2023 11:27

Your brother needs to grow the fuck up. Why can't he have his own place and look after his kids there? It sounds like he expects her to subsidise him because he's been foolish enough to rack up debts. It's not the girlfriend's responsibility to pay for days out for him and his children.

Good for her for standing up for herself and her dog and not letting your brother bully her.

Nuca · 27/10/2023 11:29

She's not being unreasonable at all, how can he just expect her to get rid of her dog. It's her pet

Actually surely this is either a reverse or a very boring troll

4naansjeremy · 27/10/2023 11:29

This must be a reverse AIBU surely? What are the chances that the brother is this deluded and the sister (op) is too?

LisaD1 · 27/10/2023 11:29

So you brother moves into her place then wants to turf her dog out to enable him to step up and parent his kids whilst also dictating what she does with her money?

id like to applaud the ex girlfriend, she had a lucky escape.

FuckingHellAdele · 27/10/2023 11:29

Things came to a head last week and he told her it needed to go or he would, and she basically said that's fine, my brother needed to go by the end of the month

Classic

Is he moving in with you then?

tabulaisrasa · 27/10/2023 11:29

So she has a responsibility to her dog, and takes care of it by buying what I assume is quality food in large bags to save money over buying multiple smaller bags, and your brother has an issue with it because he cannot afford to take his kids to the cinema THROUGH HIS OWN LIFE CHOICES? I'd be saying sayonara, too.

It's not up to his girlfriend to remedy his debt, curb her spending on her beloved dog because he doesn't have as much money as he'd like, or kick her dog into the kitchen so his kids don't have to stay in a room a dog sleeps in. If he wants all that to change, he can pay off his own debt, get his own 2 bed place, and then he'll have room for his kids and money to take them to the cinema or whatever. Simples.

Hoardasurass · 27/10/2023 11:30

She's well rid of you and your brother.
Your brother is a nasty bullying cocklodger and you want us to help him gaslight her into getting rid of her dog from her own home so he can move his kids in 50% of the time and have her spend her money on his debt. Do you actually have any clue how badly you are coming across

anonimoxyz · 27/10/2023 11:31

Hoardasurass · 27/10/2023 11:30

100% this. I couldn't say it better

GabriellaMontez · 27/10/2023 11:31

Is this a joke?

Monitoring her spending so he can clear his debts??!

MrTiddlesTheCat · 27/10/2023 11:32

You can't help her to see how unreasonable she is being as she isn't being unreasonable. Your brother moved into her home and immediately started trying to lay down the law. What a dick!

It sounds like your brother and you want to use her to facilitate his life. He's run up debts and can't take his kids to the cinema and is annoyed she uses her money to feed her pet rather than funding him. You both see this relationship as the key to him accessing his kids, as if it's her job to facilitate this.

Good for her on standing her ground.

notlucreziaborgia · 27/10/2023 11:32

So he moved into her house and promptly tried to throw his weight around and dictate to her about his kids moving in, her dog, and her finances.

Off. He. Fucks.

takealettermsjones · 27/10/2023 11:32

I know this will seem mean but, considering some of the posts on here about men taking advantage and women letting them... she's my hero 😂

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