Grandchildren

♥️

I loved my grandparents very much, but even after I left uni and wound up in the same city as them I'd generally only see them at family events my parents arranged, eg a birthday lunch, mothers or Father's Day, Easter, etc. I was tied up trying to settle into my career, forming a relationship with my now husband, making friends and maintaining friendships, figuring out adult life with bills and rent and everything else. It just didn't occur to me to make more of an effort to see my grandparents.

Now I'm in my 40s and they are no longer alive I regret I didn't make more of living in the same city. I wouldn't have just popped round (that is not a thing anyone does anymore - it's now considered rude even with family - regular threads about that on Mumsnet!) but why didn't I call and arrange to see them more often? I think I was just caught up in learning to be a grown up and pretty self-involved. And I sort of though my grandparents would always be there.

I miss them.

The forthright comment struck out at me.

My uncle thought he was forthright, he was a condescending bully who I chose not to spend time with for my own sanity.
Could this be the case from their perspective?

To add to my earlier post, sometimes people realize they want a close relationship with parents and grandparents, aunts, and uncles, when they themselves begin having children and they realize how important and precious family ties are. Don’t count them out yet. They are busy making their own way in life and perhaps a close relationship with them can be nurtured a bit at a time and then grow from there.

When you say you are “quite forthright” what you mean is you’re rude, and you can feel sorry for your wife but your behaviour is the reason the grandkids don’t want to see you both.

All I'm hearing is, you lived where you wanted when in good health and now that you are ill you move closer. Now housebound you expect your grandkids to come visit. Where were you when they were kids?

If you were living far away enjoying your retirement when the kids were young and not seeing them often, maybe you didn't built a bond with them so they don't feel the need to see you now?

Apart from that, the PHD grandchild is probably very busy. The one that got a 1st is now probably working. The Alevel students... Well probably enjoying themself in the summer before school starts.

Putting your qualifications on mumsnet and your apparent name is just plain weird.

They're not used to having you so close, this is all new to them. Younger people can be awkward about "popping in". Do you have a family WhatsApp group for general communication?

But all that aside, you could always just do an equity release on your house, spend the money on making your life easier, more comfortable, more pleasant, and not worry about leaving them anything when you go 🤷‍♀️

Do you contact them and invite them over?
My MIL is always going on that she hasn't seen one of her grandkids in months but never actually picks up the phone and asks.

How does your wife do so much for them, but also never sees them.

Your grandkids aren’t obliged to care for your wife.

I cared for my grandad until he had to go in a home. But he was a very involved grandparent. We had a really close relationship from me being very young.

I can imagine it would be very different if he lived far away and only moved back when he got to a point he needed care when I was an adult expecting we all rearranged our lives expecting care.

I have an aunt who describes herself as forthright and the sort of person who calls a spade a spade. What she actually is is rude, demanding, insensitive to the point of being cruel (cousin on other side of the family had a miscarriage and was told it's because that side of the family are too weak to carry boys) and generally unpleasant to be around.

Why are so many of you being so horrible? This gentleman is elderly, and confused by the drugs he's taking. He's used to signing off as he does, and maybe doesn't understand the world of texts, forums, and MN. I think some of you are being unnecessarily rude, and just plain nasty!

If I understand your post. You lived in Essex for a while, away from your grandchildren. Now you are injured or ill you have moved near your grandchildren so they can visit you and do things for you.
You have absolutely no right to expect this. The grandchildren have their own lives. If you need someone to look after you get a carer.
I am a grandmother who is very lucky to spend a lot of time with my young grandchildren. I look after them and have them for overnight stays. I have zero expectations of them coming to see me when they become teenagers.!

I loved my grandparents dearly, I lived with them for a few years so I was very close to them. But I was selfish in my 20s, life was exciting and hard and busy and I took it for granted they would always be there. Also, and I don't mean to hurt your feelings when I say this, but pain and long term medication can take a toll mentally and change people, not always for the better. At the moment, you might be hard company without realising it. Why not have a civilised conversation with your son and ask what you can do to make your home a more inviting place to be and then start inviting them all and organising get togethers? Take any criticism with good grace and start having the relationships you want to have. It will take a bit of work, though, if you have lived a long way from them for most of their lives.

A 17 and 25 year old got seriously involved in choosing a house for you?

Are you sure that some of this expectation hasn’t been set by your own son who is the one who should really be helping, rather than his children?

A child and young adult helped choose your house and you went along with it on the basis of the commitment they made?

You were young, you also had children. You should have known they couldn’t guarantee they would always be willing to pop in. Making huge life decisions based on a commitment from a teenager was never going to pan out well.

Your wife cooks for her son and makes extra and you think that obliges them to help her out? Maybe your son should cook for himself. Your wife deciding she will be providing meals to them doesn’t make them obligated to her. They may not even want her to.

They have their own lives. They are young and shouldn’t be planning their lives around obligations to their grandparents.

Would you expect them to spend the next few years planning around you and then their own parents after that?

When you add in the whole ‘I am quite forthright’ they may be simply uncomfortable visiting. Usually people who claim to be forthright can be uncomfortable. Especially when you don’t not have a long very close relationship with that person.

What about your son, does he help out at all?
Personally if I had parents or grandparents who were elderly and had life changing injuries from what sounds like a dreadful accident, and I lived 5 minutes away, I would be doing all I could to help out, regardless of whether I found them irritating/ forthright.

I think you have to possibly swallow your pride and ask for more help, the worse that can happen i they ay 'no' - and then thing ill be no different from ho the are at the moment. Maybe they need a bit of prompting, they seem happy to accept gifts, being fed, and I'm sure don't turn down any money that come their way, so they should be happy to help out (or stop accepting your presents and hospitality).

Have a word with your son and say you'd appreciate a bit more help as you are struggling, see if he can get them to be a bit more helpful.

I'm sorry about your accident, long term medical problems can be mentally as well as physically draining and organising your life around hospital visits is exhausting, epecially if you are elderly. Feeling frustrated and depressed is a very normal reaction to a situation such as yours. I hope you and your wife are getting support from the hospital with coping, with your mental well being as well as your physical needs. And do ask them about any help you may be entitled to, both financial and practical.

I have a 17yo son and he'd prefer the direct approach. If you asked him to mow the lawn, drive to the shops or whatever, he would do it if he cared about you. It wouldn't occur to him to volunteer or ask what tasks are difficult.

I have a 22yo who also prefers the direct approach. He would help out but would prefer to be asked rather than read someone's mind about what would be most helpful.

I don't think anyone thinks you are an ogre. You are going through a hard time and it is understandable you feel hurt and frustrated. I wouldn't leave the site but I would avoid posting in AIBU - it has a reputation for being harsh!

I think as parents and grandparents you get back what you put in. I adored my GM and she was present throughout my whole childhood, picking me up from school, taking me out for cakes, minding me when I was ill, long telephone calls when I moved away for uni,

I loved and respected her massively and did care for her and looked after her in other ways as she got older (financially and practically).

If you haven't established a close relationship with your GC then I'm not surprised they aren't overly invested in seeing you. I wouldn't want someone to care for me out of duty, I'd want it to be out of love.

It's not too late though and start putting more effort in and invite them individually to your home for dinner, coffee etc. Get to know about their lives and their hopes and dreams.

What do you want from Mumsnet? A pity party?

People have been honest (perhaps a bit brutal at times) about your situation. All you seem to have done is wallow in self loathing.

You need to ask for help if you need it. Invite people round for dinner or for a cup of tea etc.