Grandchildren

I don’t think you’re being entirely unreasonable, however, you’re talking about adults with adult lives. Work, maybe families, and all the other bits adulting entails.

Why don’t you invite them around for a specific day? Or ask for help? Young adults can be spectacularly short sighted.

Maybe they just dont feel the need to see you? Are you expecting them to do things for you?

How much did you and your wife do with and for these grandchildren when they were growing up? Did you still live nearby then?

From what I see from those around me, the adults that put themselves out for their elderly grandparents have been very close to them since childhood.

You are expecting a lot from the 17 and 25 year olds. It’s normal for them to focus on themselves at those ages.

Normally people tend to stay anonymous of MN and your qualifications aren’t needed.

I’m sorry you’re going through a difficult time. Your post doesn’t contain a single full stop and it is difficult to understand.

Are you saying that until 4 years ago you lived some where else and now you have moved near the grandchildren? I’m guessing you haven’t had much a relationship with the grandchildren if you haven’t been near them? And your wondering why they don’t want to spend much time with you?

I imagine your GC have their own lives, jobs, relationships, homes to look after, school/college etc for the 17 year old? What kind of relationship do you have with them? If you want to see them then invite them round for a meal or something. How often are you wanting to see them, and what kind of help are you expecting?

Have you sent them a WhatsApp message to invite them round for tea and cake?

Unless invited, then yes people don't generally just call round.

I'd pou lived further away would you see them less?

Your injuries shouldn't really be impacting on your grandchildren. Its hard and I totally understand , it feels like rejection , but they are living their lives. They know where you are and I'm sure they would be there If you really needed them

Your living arrangement seem a bit "too close for comfort " maybe it's a little claustrophobic for them. You will see them going out and feeling why aren't they coming to visit you ?

Stop over analysing its normal

I’m no spring chicken either, but honestly expect zero from my grandkids. Whatever contact we have I consider an unexpected bonus, and thats despite having virtually raised one of them when they were a baby. Kids have such busy lives these days and both school and work are very pressurised. Having said that, I do see one set of grandkids fairly regularly, every couple of weeks, and we have a great relationship, but they are still at primary school. I’m expecting that will drop off big time once they hit secondary and beyond. I certainly would never expect anything in the way of practical help from them. I do host family get togethers from time to time and they all come to that, and gear it all to keeping them amused and happy. My own kids, their parents, however are great and are always in contact, calling etc. But I don’t expect anything from any of them.

It is normal behaviour now. Unless you are very close, relationship-wise.

Grandparents can't expect "help" from children or grandchildren unfortunately.

Nice if it offered, but this tends to come from a natural, ongoing, close relationship fostered from birth.

Anything else is usually a bit awkward / perfunctory/ obligatory minimum.

I'm saying this kindly. Do you put too much on them when they do visit? Are a little entitled? Who signs off with their qualifications?

Have you just tried sending a what's app and inviting then round for a drink ? Don't put any pressure on them. Let them enjoy being with you. Lots of laughs. You sound rather old fashioned , I'm just off out for dinner with my 83 year old best friend we have a riot. Age isn't a factor.

I think more context is needed here, do they work? Have families of their own? Fair enough the 17 year old but can't you remember being 17? Being round your grandparents was a bit forced - not through lack of love or caring but most 17 year olds want to be in bed or out with their friends.

My grandad is 20 minutes away and I love him dearly but at 33, with 3 children, working 2 jobs over 6 days and all of the stuff that comes with family life I don't have time to finish the washing up most weeks. Doesn't mean I don't care I just have very little time. The time I do get is usually then filled with swimming lessons, after school club, friends parties etc. It's very full on and to be honest I'd love nothing more than a brew with my grandad - it's just hard.

You can’t be feeding them that much if you never see them, and a grandmother giving grandchildren cards and presents on special occasions is just what’s supposed to happen. Those things aren’t supposed to be given without an expectation of repayment through future help.

“ICMcDonnell BSc. Hons.”

why ?

Did you care for them growing up? Pick them up from school each day? Take them for the school holidays while their parents worked?
Or did you just send birthday and Christmas presents? Because if you had no relationship then. Why would you expect a relationship now?

Have you always had a good relationship with your children and grandchildren?

Have you always shown an interest in their lives and been loving and supportive to them? Have you ever had a difficult relationship or falling out?

I'd say if you were a good father and grandparent it is unusual that that wouldn't want to see you.

However, if you do not have a good relationship with them then I wouldn't expect them to see you often just because you've moved nearby and are unwell. It all depends on how you've treated them in life.

What do you mean by you are forthright?

Nobody 'deserves' anything - you have to earn it. Just being a grandparent doesn't entitled you to attention and support. Have you been a loving and engaged part of their lives up til now?

When you decided to move back north over the road from your children as you believed you deserved them to worship and care for you, did you check they were happy with this first? If my in-laws announced they would be moving to my street that would be the end of my world.
Woth a chronic condition people get bored of it sadly, and they won’t always think to rock up with flowers etc. Are you expecting the same things from male and female grandchildren? They are grown adults with likely their own families. If you’ve lived apart their whole adult lives and you didn’t look after them growing up they’re not going to reciprocate.

ImABox. I’m not putting my degree details. Higher than yours though. HTH

My son (31) lives with his grandfather, they have a wonderful close relationship and have done from the day my ds was born. If someone asks my father about my son they'd be told something about his personality not a description of his qualifications/education. They enjoy each others company and when my son told me he will always treasure the memories of the covid lockdown because who gets the chance to isolate and spend months with their grandfather. You have to be nice in order to have a relationship with younger generations, they shouldn't feel obligation just because you are older. Make the effort and they might surprise you.

It’s not anything your or your wife have failed to do. This is very common and is the norm I think, for people of those ages, 17, 25, 31, to be focused on themselves, their friends, their romantic relationships, their education, and work, buying a house etc. It is a very busy time for them as you’ve told us, one has just finished a PhD, one is in midst of school, the 31 year old probably immersed in building a career and possibly long term relationship.

So, I don’t think they’re being selfish, or intentionally thoughtless. It is part of becoming independent and building lives of their own independent of parents, grandparents, siblings.

There is often a gap of time where we children, then later our own adult kids “disappear” from our parents’ lives, our lives, as they do these things. Late teens through early 30s. Then they reappear, realizing they want and need closeness with the family they grew up with, the people who knew them as babies and children.

That said, yes, they should be sending cards, thank yous, and visiting you and your wife. They are also of an age, maturity, and physical fitness that they should be helping you out a bit, absolutely. Their parents probably try to encourage them to do these things, and they’re oblivious. Remember, they don’t know what it is like to be older, less mobile, needing help, wanting closeness with family. Yet.

Perhaps a talk with your children about your feelings and together you can figure out how to encourage the grandchildren to be more involved with family and their grandparents. 💐

This is so weird. Maybe they would spend more time with your wife if you were not present? Just a thought.

Have to agree with almost everyone else.

Your whole post reads strangely.

What have people's academic qualifications got to do with this ?

What was your relationship with your dc and dgc like before you needed them ?

How is your wife feeding them all the time if they never call round ?