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Original poster

Have I broken up with her? And was I wrong to do so?

53 replies

SitItOut · 07/07/2023 15:45

We are two women.

The background:

I am currently receiving chemotherapy. I’ve tried to carry on life as normally as possible, the prognosis is very good. I’m very active.

I’ve been seeing someone for 4 months, it’s a long distance relationship, she lives 300 miles away. When she comes to visit, she stays for a couple of weeks or so. We video chat daily, several times a day, we eat together, garden together, walk together, that sort of thing. The distance doesn’t bother either of us, we enjoy a change of scene.

Several times it has happened that my partner seems to have absolutely no idea what I’m going through or considers it when making her plans. Examples:

Wanting to go out dancing late, when it reached midnight, I suggested it was time to go, she didn’t want to, I finally just stood up and insisted, I was exhausted and my whole body was aching. As we made our way home, she said she did not like that I had rushed her and she’d had to down her drink quickly.

She insisted on going on a big trip that would take all day and most of the evening… she stated she was going whether I went with her or not, because she had already bought the train tickets, I said that’s fine, I’ll join you later in the day when I’d had time to rest. We’d been on the go daily for nearly two weeks, and I was dead on my feet. She put quite a lot of pressure on, I wanted to make her happy, so I went. This was early on in our relationship.

One evening I had a bath and told her I was very happy the tension in my body had eased somewhat… she asked why there should be tension in my body?

She has asked me how I am maybe once or twice in 4 months. She never mentions my treatment. She hasn’t asked a single question about it. I don’t think she’s ever even Googled what chemotherapy is.

She is from a European culture that is quite no nonsense and not “mushy”. I’m not sure though that this can entirely explain her reactions.

The last straw was that she brought her teenage son and rather large pet with her, because she wanted to show her son my city. I don’t think she considered the extra burden that would put on me during this time, my home is quite small. I don’t mind having her family to stay, but perhaps this is best when I’ve finished my treatment? Her son lives with his father full time.

Last night I told her that because of the above examples, I couldn’t take her seriously as a partner, that we can enjoy each other’s company and have fun, but as to the rest, this wasn’t an ideal sort of relationship for me.

She video called me today, and I couldn’t face it, I texted her that I was napping today and I would text her tomorrow. She said she was sending me warm hugs. I’m not sure what to do next. I feel sad.

Have I broken up with her? Was I unreasonable to do so?

OP posts:
TeaKitten · 07/07/2023 15:49

Well yeah you’ve broken up with her… but if that’s how you feel why would it be unreasonable? Generally it sounds like you both needed to communicate your needs better, but this relationship wasn’t the right thing for you and now it’s over. Nothing unreasonable about it.

GalileoHumpkins · 07/07/2023 15:50

The relationship isn't making you happy or fulfilling your needs in anyway, you can end it for those reasons or for no reasons at all.

BCD123 · 07/07/2023 15:50

YANBU
If anyone deserves to be unreasonable its someone going through what you are. But you arent being unreasonable. You literally going through treatment that will save your life and instead of worrying about that your being forced to worry about how you partner is faring.

You deserve someone who can help you during the bad days not make you feel worse that your tired after your treatments.

If you still have feelings for her ever youve finished your treatments and are feeling well then maybe discuss getting back together if thats what you want but i think you deserve a equal partner.

Aquamarine1029 · 07/07/2023 15:52

You can break up with her for any reason you wish. Don't give it another thought.

Grumpigal · 07/07/2023 15:52

In your case I might have one go of explaining what you are dealing with emotionally and physically. Then put the ball in her court to be a more considerate partner.

If it’s clear she can’t be then I would be ending it yes.

Some people are not very good at “reading the room” and are a bit oblivious when it doesn’t directly affect them, but she is taking this to a new level not even asking you how your treatment is going?

ohwhatafunday · 07/07/2023 15:54

She has not displayed any care for you OP.

You deserve someone who genuinely gives a fuck and has compassion for you when you are sick.

AngleofTheNorth · 07/07/2023 16:00

she said she did not like that I had rushed her

She'd had plenty warning that you wanted to go, she didn't but chose to go anyway and blamed you. No concern for your health.

She put quite a lot of pressure on, I wanted to make her happy, so I went.

Pushing boundaries. They're small to start with so we don't notice.

She has asked me how I am maybe once or twice in 4 months. She never mentions my treatment. She hasn’t asked a single question about it.

Bloody hell. She is no loss @SitItOut , you were in no way unreasonable to end it. Warm hugs when you put up an uncrossable boundary - very telling. It wouldn't have got any better, she doesn't sound like she's got any respect for you.

I hope all goes well with your treatment Flowers

ManateeFair · 07/07/2023 16:02

It is never 'unreasonable' to break up with someone who isn't making you happy.

If you are breaking up with her, though, you need to be clear about it, as it sounds like she doesn't really understand it's over?

FWIW, I think it sounds like your relationship became very intense very quickly. You've only been seeing each other for four months, but in that time you've spent weeks at a time with each other in addition to all the FaceTiming, and she has introduced her son to you. Even apart from her seemingly not having any empathy re. your health issues, the intensity alone doesn't sound ideal considering that you're going through chemo right now.

Ultimately, if she can't muster up any sympathy or understanding for you while you're having chemo, she probably isn't right as a long-term partner. Obviously when you've recovered from your treatment, the issue will arise less often, but let's face it, all sorts of things can happen in life and it doesn't sound like she'd be a great person to have around if any further adversity should occur.

Original poster
SitItOut · 07/07/2023 16:10

Grumpigal · 07/07/2023 15:52

In your case I might have one go of explaining what you are dealing with emotionally and physically. Then put the ball in her court to be a more considerate partner.

If it’s clear she can’t be then I would be ending it yes.

Some people are not very good at “reading the room” and are a bit oblivious when it doesn’t directly affect them, but she is taking this to a new level not even asking you how your treatment is going?

I was thinking along similar lines, should someone in her 40s who’s pretty intelligent, need to be told the ramifications of chemotherapy?

Someone in a group I’m in told me her partner also ignored her first treatment, but they seemed to have a happy marriage after that… but that when she had a different cancer the second time (very unlucky), her partner was devastated and couldn’t do enough for her… the love and attachment had grown over the years.

Do I need to consider the shortness of time we’ve been together?

Her aunt passed from cancer recently, my partner said the last time she spoke to her on the phone, she didn’t ask about her cancer because she imagined her aunt had talked enough about that with everyone else, so instead she cracked some jokes to make her laugh and lift her up.

I told her last night that I get several texts of encouragement and support from friends and family on infusion day, but hardly ever one from my partner, she treats it as a normal as a nor she day. I told her I found it strange and it made me sad.

She had nothing to say for herself about any of this last night, she only denied that she had pressured me in the day of the big outing. I assume her silence meant she accepted she had done the rest. She said the day of the big outing, the pressure was my perception and she was sorry I had perceived it that way, I gently and quietly said I wasn’t looking for an apology and I didn’t consider that a proper apology. She knows what about The Five Languages of Apology, and she didn’t argue the fact she hadn’t apologised.

I find her rather cold, and again, this can be the culture. They do snd show, rather than say. But she hasn’t lived in that culture for over 20 years.

OP posts:
Justkeepingplatesspinning · 07/07/2023 16:37

That's a hugely intense relationship, 4 months and she visits for a madly busy 2 weeks each time. Even without your treatment, that would be exhausting for quite a lot of us!
She needs to understand too that culturally you sometimes do and perceive things differently.
Yes, you've put the brakes on things, you've said things need to slow down. I'm not sure that you have actually broken up completely. What is needed is a bit of breathing space and for her to be a bit more mindful of you having treatment and how floored it leaves you. She'd be very welcome at your local Maggie's centre, or one nearer to her, and they would be able to chat and answer questions that she might not feel she can ask of you.

Original poster
SitItOut · 07/07/2023 17:28

ohwhatafunday · 07/07/2023 15:54

She has not displayed any care for you OP.

You deserve someone who genuinely gives a fuck and has compassion for you when you are sick.

She made us breakfast and dinner without prompting because I was resting in bed.

She brought me lots of useful gifts and thoughtful and romantic gifts each time she visits.

She has sent me roses on a special day.

She did all the washing up and made me cups of tea.

She cleared up after her son and made him clean, too.

She did some gardening in my garden, alone and unasked.

She makes us packed lunches and produces them out of nowhere when we are out so we don’t have to buy stuff. She does special little touches like putting homemade garlic on stuff.

She drove us a long way to IKEA and back. I needed to pick up some rather large items, she didn’t need anything from there at all. She and her son did the loading and unloading of the car. We got home passed 11pm and there wasn’t a single complaint from her, she was smiley and super perky, although I knew she was beyond tired as we all were…

She is proactive and does lots of things like that. Due to what I think is personality and culture… her culture are used hard work being tough - that is what she has told me herself. Being too soft is not seen as a good thing.

She is not uncaring.

She goes to a great deal of effort and expense to come and see me, but then again my city is lovely and I always arrange things so has exciting things to do and see.

Have I been too hasty, or perhaps even unfair?

OP posts:
Ladyoftheknight · 07/07/2023 17:29

You have broken up with her.
Did you know each other before getting into this relationship? 4 months in and you're already Very Very close. Staying for 2 weeks at a time, spending every moment together etc. I understand why you'd want her support but to be honest, if I knew someone for 4 months and had to take on the responsibility of their serious ill health, I'd want to hang back too.

If she and her culture are not highly emotional, maybe she doesn't know the support patients need. Or she knows, but holds back on emotions until further into the relationship. Either way, you need support and she can't give it to you because of time and personal feelings.

AgnesX · 07/07/2023 17:34

What you said doesn't sound very clear. If you want to split up and really not see her again (which sounds the best thing to do as she doesn't seem to appreciate just how much this treatment is taking out of you, or have much consideration) then you say so clearly and unambiguously.

Original poster
SitItOut · 07/07/2023 17:56

Ladyoftheknight · 07/07/2023 17:29

You have broken up with her.
Did you know each other before getting into this relationship? 4 months in and you're already Very Very close. Staying for 2 weeks at a time, spending every moment together etc. I understand why you'd want her support but to be honest, if I knew someone for 4 months and had to take on the responsibility of their serious ill health, I'd want to hang back too.

If she and her culture are not highly emotional, maybe she doesn't know the support patients need. Or she knows, but holds back on emotions until further into the relationship. Either way, you need support and she can't give it to you because of time and personal feelings.

I said from the begin that it may not be the best time to begin a new relationship. She was very keen to become official and said she would like to support me through this time. She seems and I think genuinely is unphased by all of this.

I have tried very hard for my treatment not to intrude into our relationship.
The only concession I’ve made to this is to rest when tired.
I speak about the developments of my treatment to my sister and one really good friend, and that is my outlet.

I have not complained to her about this at all, because she has told me many times that the single thing she can’t abide in her culture is a culture of complaining and she’s very sensitive to it. Fair enough! I have heard others mention this as well, it seems to be a thing for those who have left that country (maybe for that reason!).

I have asked nothing of my partner.

She has said a couple of times that I am going through something “heavy” and that I’m doing well getting on with things and remaining active. High praise coming from her.

OP posts:
GalileoHumpkins · 07/07/2023 17:56

SitItOut · 07/07/2023 17:28

She made us breakfast and dinner without prompting because I was resting in bed.

She brought me lots of useful gifts and thoughtful and romantic gifts each time she visits.

She has sent me roses on a special day.

She did all the washing up and made me cups of tea.

She cleared up after her son and made him clean, too.

She did some gardening in my garden, alone and unasked.

She makes us packed lunches and produces them out of nowhere when we are out so we don’t have to buy stuff. She does special little touches like putting homemade garlic on stuff.

She drove us a long way to IKEA and back. I needed to pick up some rather large items, she didn’t need anything from there at all. She and her son did the loading and unloading of the car. We got home passed 11pm and there wasn’t a single complaint from her, she was smiley and super perky, although I knew she was beyond tired as we all were…

She is proactive and does lots of things like that. Due to what I think is personality and culture… her culture are used hard work being tough - that is what she has told me herself. Being too soft is not seen as a good thing.

She is not uncaring.

She goes to a great deal of effort and expense to come and see me, but then again my city is lovely and I always arrange things so has exciting things to do and see.

Have I been too hasty, or perhaps even unfair?

Show quote history

All of that paints a very different picture to your first post.

Original poster
SitItOut · 07/07/2023 17:59

“Homemade garlic” should have read, homemade garlic butter.

OP posts:
ohwhatafunday · 07/07/2023 18:58

Yes that does sound really different to your first post. It sounds like she shows her care through thoughtful acts? And isn't great with talking.

So as you are long distance, this works great when together and you feel 'seen', and cared for. But it's difficult when you are apart as you're reliant on phones and Facetime.

Is it a difference in love languages?

Original poster
SitItOut · 07/07/2023 19:44

ohwhatafunday · 07/07/2023 18:58

Yes that does sound really different to your first post. It sounds like she shows her care through thoughtful acts? And isn't great with talking.

So as you are long distance, this works great when together and you feel 'seen', and cared for. But it's difficult when you are apart as you're reliant on phones and Facetime.

Is it a difference in love languages?

Funny you should say that, she said to me from the very beginning that she wasn’t a great talker, and that as a child she didn’t talk much either and she has had to teach herself how to speak.

Her love language is physical touch, she’s very serious about that. Mine is quality time.

We’re actually fine when we’re apart, all the incidents happened when we were together. She simply hadn’t processed that I’m not operating at 100% as far as energy levels go. Quite a huge thing to have missed, no? Almost a bit cruel and unfeeling. That disturbs me.

OP posts:
ohwhatafunday · 07/07/2023 19:49

Yes, it is a huge thing to have missed.

But when you're apart she doesn't see what it's like for you day to day, and then when you're together maybe you are exhausting yourself trying to put a good face on things for as long as possible, so then you get absolutely broken from trying so hard. So maybe doesn't appreciate how serious it is?

I think it sounds thoughtless and clueless rather than deliberately cruel, but essentially it amounts to the same thing in the end in a way.

Original poster
SitItOut · 07/07/2023 20:20

She is a travel enthusiast, and has wanted spot see every nook and cranny of my city, I sometimes felt this trumped my personal well-being.

Other reasons that make me nervous about this relationship:

She is bisexual, I am not.
She likes mixed threesomes and group sex, I do not.
She loves casual sex, I do not.
She has been in an open relationship for 5 years, I have no interest in this.
She likes extreme forms of sex, I’m very vanilla.
She said her children were born as a result of unplanned pregnancies.
Her knowledge of sexual health is surprisingly minimal.
I fear she will be reckless in this area.
I am on medication which affects my hormones and has reduced my sex drive.
I wonder if she will be able to cope with not much sexual contact.

OP posts:
rumred · 07/07/2023 20:29

@SitItOut how old is she? If over 40 then she's an arse for not understanding what a toll chemo etc takes on a person.

However, from experience, you have to be clear about the limits it places on you, if you don't communicate well she will think you're fine. But should have an idea you're not nevertheless.

Sounds like it's a short term thing really. And when you're inevitably vulnerable to kindness at such a hard time in your life. We all are

Aquamarine1029 · 07/07/2023 20:37

She's not your partner, for one. You barely know her and you've just started seeing each other.

Secondly, you're not suited. I can't really figure out why you keep going on and on and on about everything. Just end it and move on with your life.

Original poster
SitItOut · 07/07/2023 20:43

Aquamarine1029 · 07/07/2023 20:37

She's not your partner, for one. You barely know her and you've just started seeing each other.

Secondly, you're not suited. I can't really figure out why you keep going on and on and on about everything. Just end it and move on with your life.

Thank you for your lovely, erm, contribution.

I want to bounce my thoughts off the wonderfully helpful people here, to help me clarify my thoughts. I don’t want to be unfair to anyone.

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 07/07/2023 20:48

SitItOut · 07/07/2023 20:43

Thank you for your lovely, erm, contribution.

I want to bounce my thoughts off the wonderfully helpful people here, to help me clarify my thoughts. I don’t want to be unfair to anyone.

Show quote history

How is ending a relationship that's not working for you "unfair?"

You don't owe this woman anything except for politeness and well wishes when you break it off.

OneFlipflopleft · 07/07/2023 20:57

When I read your posts I read your love for her through the lines.
You are the writer but still I also sense her love for you. You two have different ways of showing love and different ways of communicating.
Throw away your expectations and just openly speak out when something she does or says sits wrong with you. Do not keep it in and wait with speaking out when it has already become a problem for you. It might be that there is the difference.
I have my roots in a European country where indeed we are direct when we speak, and we do also try and solve everything with a joke. But it is to get you to smile. It is meant well, but perhaps perceived as blunt. Which I can understand, she can too probably. When it is explained or nipped in the bud.
Good luck for you both, I think there is love there, just needs some tuning.