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AIBU?

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Original poster

To be annoyed about SIL stealing baby's name?

312 replies

CattytheFatty · 14/05/2023 10:42

My DB's wife is a complicated sort of person and they don't have a great relationship. They had several rounds of IVF over 8-10 years and finally had 2dds, the second born recently. They have given their second baby the same name as my youngest dc. Well, not the same name exactly, one letter is different (think Helena vs Helene).

My DD isn't too bothered about it, at first she thought it was a compliment but apparently, it wasn't! SIL just 'always wanted that name'! DB tried to discourage her but she was apparently adamant.

The baby is here now and very cute and we all love her, but I am secretly seething about the name. My DP are already getting the dc muddled and DM recently sent my DD a birthday card with her name spellt wrong - ie using the slightly different spelling of her cousin's name.

My DPs are elderly, happy and proud about all their DGC and just want a harmonious family life so they have changed the subject when I've grumbled about it. Because DB's relationship with SIL is so fraught already I obviously can't rock the boat by saying anything to SIL.

But AIBU to privately feel really annoyed? I just can't understand why someone would do this. There are so many names in the world! Surely some should be off-limits??

OP posts:
mollibu · 14/05/2023 10:46

I think YABU. It's not the same name as you've said and it's not SIL fault that your DM spelt your DD's name wrong in a card.

Why are you only annoyed with SIL and not your DB? Surely he had some input in what they was naming their daughter.

JenniferBarkley · 14/05/2023 10:48

YANBU, I'd be annoyed too. But, she was probably privately devastated when you used the name she'd always wanted. Not that you did anything wrong, especially if she'd never mentioned the name to you, but it sounds like they had a really awful time and that probably stung.

I think you'll just have to take a deep breath and move past it but YANBU to feel privately peeved.

FionnulaTheCooler · 14/05/2023 10:50

YANBU to be privately miffed but it's a done deal now so you'll just have to accept it and move on.

Aquamarine1029 · 14/05/2023 10:51

You're being precious. This simply doesn't even matter. Let it go.

Original poster
CattytheFatty · 14/05/2023 10:51

mollibu · 14/05/2023 10:46

I think YABU. It's not the same name as you've said and it's not SIL fault that your DM spelt your DD's name wrong in a card.

Why are you only annoyed with SIL and not your DB? Surely he had some input in what they was naming their daughter.

DB didn't want the name, either. He tried to persuade her to choose a different one but she wouldn't budge.

OP posts:
Original poster
CattytheFatty · 14/05/2023 10:52

JenniferBarkley · 14/05/2023 10:48

YANBU, I'd be annoyed too. But, she was probably privately devastated when you used the name she'd always wanted. Not that you did anything wrong, especially if she'd never mentioned the name to you, but it sounds like they had a really awful time and that probably stung.

I think you'll just have to take a deep breath and move past it but YANBU to feel privately peeved.

My dd was a baby when SIL and DB first met

OP posts:
PipinwasAuntieMabelsdog · 14/05/2023 10:53

As an IVF mum, YABU. DSIL has been privately peeved devasted over the years about other people's children and she probably wanted to use the name she chose for years. Have some compassion @CattytheFatty

Pinkdelight3 · 14/05/2023 10:53

If I'd been through all that struggle to have DCs, I'd darned well call the baby the name I'd always wanted. And people do have names they'd always wanted to call their DC, some girls think about this when they're playing with dolls so it's hardly a mad concept to think she'd 'always' had it in mind, and thought about it even more when she was going through IVF.

WimpoleHat · 14/05/2023 10:55

He tried to persuade her to choose a different one but she wouldn't budge.

I voted YANBU - as that would irritate the hell out of me too. But I think that you have to accept that, for whatever reason, that name really mattered to her and she really wanted to use it. (That said, I’m not sure that I couldn’t resist being a little bit petty - constantly refer to the baby as “little Helene” or “baby Helene”. You know, just to be helpful and avoid any confusion……😉)

SchoolShenanigans · 14/05/2023 10:55

What?!

She's always wanted that name, and probably, without the fertility issues, would have chosen it before you chose it for your child.

She was delayed having her children, through no fault of her own. Why shouldn't she have the name she's always wanted?

I really don't understand how it's got anything to do with you. YABU.

LadyEloise1 · 14/05/2023 10:55

Pinkdelight3 · 14/05/2023 10:53

If I'd been through all that struggle to have DCs, I'd darned well call the baby the name I'd always wanted. And people do have names they'd always wanted to call their DC, some girls think about this when they're playing with dolls so it's hardly a mad concept to think she'd 'always' had it in mind, and thought about it even more when she was going through IVF.

This 💯 and remember imitation is the sincerest form of flattery.

waterrat · 14/05/2023 10:55

A rule in life OP is don't sweat the small stuff - this is the small stuff. Years of IVF and she gets to choose a name she loves

You are secretly seething about minor things like names being spelled differently? Take a deep breath and try some mindfulness.

Original poster
CattytheFatty · 14/05/2023 10:56

PipinwasAuntieMabelsdog · 14/05/2023 10:53

As an IVF mum, YABU. DSIL has been privately peeved devasted over the years about other people's children and she probably wanted to use the name she chose for years. Have some compassion @CattytheFatty

Honestly, I have had plenty of compassion, and have been very supportive over the years, but I still don't understand using the same name as a cousin. I don't think she would have named her dc the same name as one of her own siblings' dc - and my db was opposed to the choice but she went ahead anyway.

I'm not sure why IVF is a golden ticket for disregarding other people's feelings (including her own husband's, who after all, went through the IVF as well)

I should probably have used a better example than Helene/Helena because the actual name is much more unusual to the point of being rare

OP posts:
myrtleWilson · 14/05/2023 10:57

So there's an age gap of about 9/10 years between your DD2 and theirs?

Original poster
CattytheFatty · 14/05/2023 10:57

Pinkdelight3 · 14/05/2023 10:53

If I'd been through all that struggle to have DCs, I'd darned well call the baby the name I'd always wanted. And people do have names they'd always wanted to call their DC, some girls think about this when they're playing with dolls so it's hardly a mad concept to think she'd 'always' had it in mind, and thought about it even more when she was going through IVF.

But if she absolutely desperately had to have this name, why didn't she use it for her first dd?

OP posts:
Original poster
CattytheFatty · 14/05/2023 10:58

myrtleWilson · 14/05/2023 10:57

So there's an age gap of about 9/10 years between your DD2 and theirs?

Yes

OP posts:
TheSnowyOwl · 14/05/2023 10:58

I really don’t get the issue but I do see this comes up time and time again, so I appreciate there is something here that just doesn’t register with me.

It has historically been very normal for families to repeat the same names time and time again throughout the generations. If there is a name that you love so much that you named your child it, doesn’t it make sense that others will also love it (or a close variant) as much?

BellaJuno · 14/05/2023 10:59

I can see why it irks you but given her fertility history, she possibly has an attachment to the name that is stronger than any awkwardness over its closeness to your DDs name. As your DD is older, everyone is going to know she chose the name knowing the similarity and you had named your DD first. Take it as a compliment to your excellent taste in names!!

TheFairyCaravan · 14/05/2023 10:59

No one owns a name and it’s not worth getting riled about.

My cousin named her DS the exact same name as DS2 and his middle name is DH’s name. We give no shits. My gran, who was very elderly at the time, never once got confused between them. They always got the birthday card they were meant to get.

It simply does not matter. Your SIL has watched so many babies being born while being so very desperate for own. Now she’s got the chance to call her baby the name she’s always wanted to. Have a heart fgs.

JenniferBarkley · 14/05/2023 10:59

CattytheFatty · 14/05/2023 10:57

But if she absolutely desperately had to have this name, why didn't she use it for her first dd?

Show quote history

DC2 has a name I always loved but DH didn't like at all. Between dc1 and dc2 he came round to it, but it was never on the table for dc1.

Maybe she regretted not choosing it for dc1.

aSofaNearYou · 14/05/2023 11:00

SchoolShenanigans · 14/05/2023 10:55

What?!

She's always wanted that name, and probably, without the fertility issues, would have chosen it before you chose it for your child.

She was delayed having her children, through no fault of her own. Why shouldn't she have the name she's always wanted?

I really don't understand how it's got anything to do with you. YABU.

I agree with this.

If you think about this from a different angle, what you are basically saying is you are annoyed that she wasn't willing to give up naming her child what she had always wanted to, for the sake of not mildly inconveniencing your DD. I don't think it's a reasonable expectation.

Their child's name can be very important to people, far more than it should be to you.

MasterBeth · 14/05/2023 11:00

You feel what you feel, but your sister-in-law didn't steal your daughter's name. Your daughter still has it.

HellYeahAurora · 14/05/2023 11:00

Nobody owns a name ti steal from anyone else.

EsmeSusanOgg · 14/05/2023 11:01

CattytheFatty · 14/05/2023 10:56

Honestly, I have had plenty of compassion, and have been very supportive over the years, but I still don't understand using the same name as a cousin. I don't think she would have named her dc the same name as one of her own siblings' dc - and my db was opposed to the choice but she went ahead anyway.

I'm not sure why IVF is a golden ticket for disregarding other people's feelings (including her own husband's, who after all, went through the IVF as well)

I should probably have used a better example than Helene/Helena because the actual name is much more unusual to the point of being rare

Show quote history

Totally understand OP.

If you want to be petty you could use a diminutive occasionally/ get your DP to for example Helly1 (your DD) and Helly2 (their DD).

WimpoleHat · 14/05/2023 11:01

Why shouldn't she have the name she's always wanted?

Because it’s not all about her and her alone. That child is born into a family and is part of that family and there are other things to consider. And the “but I’ve always wanted…..” line can get a bit silly, especially as there are (literally) thousands of other choices that you can make for a name. For example, I have a friend who always dreamed of having a little boy named William. But she then married a Mr Williamson and changed her name. And then stuck to her guns about the boy’s name….. Similarly, where there’s another child in the family with the same name, surely it’s just easier/nicer all round to pick something else? In the situation the OP describes, she’s narked and the grandparents are probably a big bewildered and/or on tenterhooks, desperately trying not to slip up. There are thousands of names; it just seems like unnecessary hard work.