Termination and looking after sil baby

Really difficult. They would have had this gathering planned since before your termination, so it should have still happened for everyone else. But they are arseholes for not giving you the heads up before hand as to why it was.

I agree with PP. Quite insensitive of them and a heads up would've been nice

Yeah they could’ve definitely given you the heads up. Shitty

I think you are being unreasonable op. If you would have miscarried that would be completely different and would have been extremely insensitive. But you had an abortion.

Presumably you are happy with your choice to terminate? If nobody forced you into it against your will and it wasn’t because of eg a life-limiting problem with the baby, it’s perfectly ok and reasonable to be actually happy you had a termination. Not everyone has to feel traumatised after an abortion.

As a PP said, if you had had a miscarriage I think it would have been insensitive of them, but for a termination - no, not really (as long as it was your actual choice). I probably would have told you before the event though, personally.

How old is SIL? I admit that when I was closer to 20 I'd have not realised all the difficult emotions and loss associated with termination, in spite of it being a choice. I wouldn't have equated my welcome pregnancy with one someone was choosing to end. Given a few years to grow up, I know abortion is a difficult choice that involves grief and loss and would have no doubt handled it differently. Ignorance on my part with lack of life experience. Maybe similar for SIL?

This is really hard, and I’ve had a termination. You sil is pregnant and excited. That’s different to your decision and I’m not sure it’s fair to expect her to fully know how hard that decision was for you and the emotional impact. she wants to celebrate her pregnancy and I think that’s okay. Totally understand why you felt thrown and sent a curve ball but I don’t think that sil has that responsibility as her focus will be on her own emotions and that’s okay too.

I think they should have let you know but they may not have realised. I terminated a pregnancy a few years ago and was very matter of fact about it but my hormones for a couple of weeks after had me a sobbing wreck at almost nothing. I wouldn’t have known hormones would make someone so easily upset over a decision they were happy with without experiencing it myself so I can see why others don’t necessarily think of it. I hope you’re feeling better now.

I actually think your current view is equally ignorant. For plenty of people, abortion is not “ a difficult choice that involves grief and loss.” It can also be an easy choice that involves no grief whatsoever, just relief.

You never see someone on TV have an abortion without having major emotional trauma or it coming back to bite them, but in real life plenty of people do.

I don’t think it’s helpful to women to perpetuate the story that terminations always do or should involve grief. (Sometimes they do, sometimes they don’t).

So sorry you were upset by this OP and yes, they could've given you a heads up.

I'm a bit confused about the thread title though, where it says 'looking after SIL baby'?

If it was a miscarriage that would be one thing.
You would massively BU expecting other people to skulk around ashamed of being pregnant because you had an abortion.

You have options if you can't deal with anyone announcing their own joyous news.

I think they could have given you a heads up, but assuming you wasn't forced to have an abortion, they probably just thought that's what you wanted to do and haven't really thought much more of it. SIL just wanted to share her happy news.

What are those options?

If OP felt no sense of loss, why would she be upset at this situation? I think it's clear she does. I am aware some women are perfectly cool with their abortions. I should have said, "can" come with grief and loss. My phrasing was wrong.

The timing is really unfortunate. Everything is still so new and so raw for you. I kind of think YABU but they absolutely, 100% should have warned you.

Jesus these comments about how OP shouldn’t be upset because it was her choice 😡😡😡. Is your world really that black and white?!

YANBU OP, that was incredibly hurtful and insensitive of them not to give you the heads up at least. But judging by the comments on this thread, a lot of people are just really obtuse and clueless. Perhaps your in laws are too xx

I don't think anyone is trying to be mean. And most people have said that she probably should have got the heads up about it.

Of course OP allowed to feel upset about having a termination. Some people are glad they had one and others find it difficult but know it's best for them at the time.

I don't think SIL did the announcement to try and make her feel like crap (unless she was told about the abortion and how down OP was feeling) and was probably just excited to share her news.

Hmmm all you posters saying it was the OP’s choice - perhaps it wasn’t a freely made choice. Perhaps money/housing constraints, perhaps already got hands full etc. Whatever the reason, it would have been a horrible experience for OP. Just because someone chooses to have an abortion, it doesn't mean they’re happy about it!

It was weird of them not to give you a heads up.

YANBU they could have let you know in advance, that way you could have opted out of the occasion with a pretend sickness bug or the likes. very insensitive of them.

To put it another way around, why did they know that you terminated at 5 weeks? It’s early enough they didn’t have to know? Which makes it seem like you chose to tell them so are comfortable with the decision to terminate. But did you know sil was trying for a baby? I would never share that information with someone who might be trying for a baby, you don’t know how it’s going so for someone else to say oh I had one and I got rid… that can be extremely upsetting. I think they probably thought that was your choice and so you wouldn’t be affected by her announcing a pregnancy.

If I was your SIL and MIL or Husband I would never of forced you to go anywhere especially feeling under the weather. If they knew you were having a termination then it’s insensitive to not of told you beforehand but it isn’t their fault they chose to do it when they did. It’s still their happy news and to them you made your decision so you must be happy with it. I’ve been through this when I was 18 I unfollowed everyone pregnant that I knew and I felt a pang of jealousy but now 10 years later I have my dream baby etc where as you already have your babies. I completely sympathise with you because no matter what in an ideal world nobody wants to have terminations nobody enjoys them they aren’t nice. I would run a hot bath when you have time to yourself go and have a pamper put your favourite comfys on and treat yourself! You deserve and need it. I can only imagine what you felt in that moment when the announcement was made. You will
mskr

make peace with yourself when your ready

I’m very sympathetic to OP as she obviously feels bad about this situation. I’ll make no assumptions about why that is. To say “whatever the reason, it would have been horrible for OP” isn't necessarily true though. I’ve terminated and it wasn’t remotely horrible. My hormones were not very pleasant for a couple of weeks but the termination was entirely neutral aside from that. It isn’t helpful to tell women that terminations are always awful things because they aren’t.

Well said, not everyone thinks it's horrible

I don’t see why she shouldn’t have shared her news, it’s a separate thing to your termination. They’re probably just excited. It’s not a personal attack.

Thd thread title doesn’t seem to be about the thread.