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Original poster

Termination and looking after sil baby

129 replies

jodyg · 21/04/2023 23:45

4 weeks ago I found out I was pregnant, I must've caught quite early on as during my termination I'm only 5 weeks exactly. Two days ago I had a termination, my sil knew and also mil.
now coming today I was invited to a family gathering as a late Easter thing as mostly everyone is busy. I didn't want to go as I feel very low and tired but still made the effort. Today at the family gathering I found out my sil is pregnant that's exactly what the gathering was for. But I feel as they both knew I was having a termination they couldn't let me know? I found out congratulated but after I sobbed in the toilets. I know a termination is my decision but deciding to do the reveal when they both know I'm having a termination and I didn't know my sil was pregnant was awful.
for context I'm married with two children already.
should I feel hurt my sil made her pregnancy announcement when I was going on through a termination or am I being over the top?

OP posts:
Original poster
jodyg · 22/04/2023 08:37

I agree they should've had it but a heads up would've been nice

OP posts:
Original poster
jodyg · 22/04/2023 08:41

I had an abortion due to medical reasons my last pregnancy I had a haemorrhage & was in the icu the first 6 weeks of my babies life. I think you're very judgemental.

OP posts:
Original poster
jodyg · 22/04/2023 08:42

Sil is 32 this is her 4th pregnancy

OP posts:
SkyandSurf · 22/04/2023 08:42

Personally I would have given you a heads up beforehand, but also you can't expect them to put their lives on hold.

They might have underestimated how upsetting terminating an early pregnancy would be for you.

I'm sorry you're having a hard time. YAB a bit U to get angry with SIL and MIL though.

Original poster
jodyg · 22/04/2023 08:43

I have been asked by sil once she gives birth if I could look after baby on my days off work as she already has 2 in nursery and can't afford fees.

OP posts:
MeinKraft · 22/04/2023 08:45

She probably doesn't realise, like some of the people on this thread, that an abortion is still a pregnancy loss. I'm sorry OP Flowers but I wouldn't fall out with them over it. I also wouldn't be looking after their baby but that's another matter!

WandaWonder · 22/04/2023 08:45

This is something you chose, no I don't see she did anything wrong

UnsolicitedOpinions · 22/04/2023 08:46

jodyg · 22/04/2023 08:43

I have been asked by sil once she gives birth if I could look after baby on my days off work as she already has 2 in nursery and can't afford fees.

Ok - that actually matches your title. Yes, that is unreasonable, regardless of the termination, and especially if you are unhappy about having the termination.

Just say no. I would say no in any circumstances!

UnsolicitedOpinions · 22/04/2023 08:47

jodyg · 22/04/2023 08:41

I had an abortion due to medical reasons my last pregnancy I had a haemorrhage & was in the icu the first 6 weeks of my babies life. I think you're very judgemental.

I haven’t seen people being judgemental at all actually.

VegetablesFightingToReclaimTheAubergieneEmoji · 22/04/2023 08:49

WandaWonder · 22/04/2023 08:45

This is something you chose, no I don't see she did anything wrong

Oh have some sympathy

you can make a choice that’s heartbreaking because it’s the sensible thing to do. But still struggle with that choice.

op. I’m very very sorry. Yes a heads up and an opportunity to get out of it with understanding would surely be the way to delicately handle this.

WandaWonder · 22/04/2023 08:50

VegetablesFightingToReclaimTheAubergieneEmoji · 22/04/2023 08:49

Oh have some sympathy

you can make a choice that’s heartbreaking because it’s the sensible thing to do. But still struggle with that choice.

op. I’m very very sorry. Yes a heads up and an opportunity to get out of it with understanding would surely be the way to delicately handle this.

Show quote history

Yes but it is not their fault

VegetablesFightingToReclaimTheAubergieneEmoji · 22/04/2023 08:50

UnsolicitedOpinions · 22/04/2023 08:47

I haven’t seen people being judgemental at all actually.

Show quote history

I have. And a massive lack of empathy.

Original poster
jodyg · 22/04/2023 08:51

I'm not happy with the termination but due to my last pregnancy being in hospital in icu the first 6 weeks of my DD life as I was very I'll I had a risk of being the same again and got to think about my two children at home.

OP posts:
VegetablesFightingToReclaimTheAubergieneEmoji · 22/04/2023 08:52

WandaWonder · 22/04/2023 08:50

Yes but it is not their fault

Show quote history

So does that mean they can’t show some kindness. Or some understanding?

VegetablesFightingToReclaimTheAubergieneEmoji · 22/04/2023 08:54

jodyg · 22/04/2023 08:51

I'm not happy with the termination but due to my last pregnancy being in hospital in icu the first 6 weeks of my DD life as I was very I'll I had a risk of being the same again and got to think about my two children at home.

And that’s exactly why they should show some kindness.

I mean. Who would save them nursery fees if you didn’t make it through this pregnancy???!

pandarific · 22/04/2023 08:54

💐 op, it’s hard, but it sounds like you made the right decision for you and your family. They should have mentioned it beforehand, they were insensitive.

It’s a bit strange her asking you for future childcare though… is it a paid position? Would you want the work? If it’s a free thing, then absolutely not, you have your own commitments and don’t let them tell you otherwise.

DorritLittle · 22/04/2023 08:54

You can make a choice that’s heartbreaking because it’s the sensible thing to do. But still struggle with that choice.

I agree with this and think it was insensitive of them. They should have given you a heads up.

Saying “well it was your choice” is very black and white. You can be glad of having the choice while also feeling sad about it. This does not equate to saying that termination is always traumatic.

I don’t think you should agree to look after a baby on your days off by the way.

UnsolicitedOpinions · 22/04/2023 08:56

jodyg · 22/04/2023 08:51

I'm not happy with the termination but due to my last pregnancy being in hospital in icu the first 6 weeks of my DD life as I was very I'll I had a risk of being the same again and got to think about my two children at home.

You did the right thing. It’s very sensible and although you are unhappy about it, you shouldn’t feel bad about it.

LIZS · 22/04/2023 08:57

Yes it was unkind not to forewarn you or give you the chance to opt out. You can say no to babysitting - her child, her issue to solve financial implications.

LifeLoatheItOrIgnoreItYouCantLikeIt · 22/04/2023 08:58

The maths seems off here. Pregnancy is deemed to start at the date of your last period. I.e. approximately 2 weeks before you conceived. So if the OP found out she was pregnant 4 weeks ago but is only 5 weeks along now, that would mean she found out she was pregnant 1 week before she conceived.

pontipinemum · 22/04/2023 09:00

I think the should have told you what was going to be happening

clocktock · 22/04/2023 09:04

I'm so sorry op. I hope you're doing ok. It's not an easy thing to go through I know. Some very hurtful and judgemental replies on here.

They should of given you a heads up. I think it was a very cruel thing of them to do. They don't sound like very nice people at all x

DDivaStar · 22/04/2023 09:18

They should have given you a heads up.

Your sister in laws childcare is not your problem, just say no SIL I can't commit to childcare.

Hankunamatata · 22/04/2023 09:28

Nope I wouldn't be doing childcare on my days off work.

Codlingmoths · 22/04/2023 09:32

jodyg · 22/04/2023 08:43

I have been asked by sil once she gives birth if I could look after baby on my days off work as she already has 2 in nursery and can't afford fees.

jesus Christ that’s a no!! If they know why you terminated then it’s horrible of her to ask. And if they don’t and think you just didn’t want a 3rd then I’d think it’s pretty fucking obvious you don’t want to look after a 3rd child… either way it’s 11/10 on the insensitive self centred scale.

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