“I still want a career. I just don’t want it to take over my life.”

A few months after I’d gone back to work after my first maternity leave, my boss called me into his office. Before having a baby, I worked five days in the office and occasional weekends if there was a pitch or a big meeting to prep for. Now I was working a four-day week.

“I just wanted to let you know that the CEO of your biggest client is coming in for a meeting on Friday next week. I know that you don’t work on Fridays, so I’ll take Bob, who works for you, along to the meeting. Please make sure that he’s briefed.”

I was overwhelmed by conflicting emotions. Guilt, because I’d dared to put my new child first, before my career. Anger, because my boss hadn’t even asked me to try and rearrange my day out of the office. Fear: was this opportunity for Bob going to mean that my role was undermined for good?

Did having a child mean that I should forget my ambition? Was I a different woman from the one that had left to have a baby?

I didn’t stop wanting to have a successful career because I was a mother. But I did need to set boundaries and create a balance now in a way that hadn’t been necessary before. Setting boundaries, at home and at work, is absolutely necessary for every woman returning to her career.

We’ve just published the 10th anniversary edition of The Glass Wall, which has 43 strategies for women at work. The glass walls are the invisible barriers which prevent women from achieving the careers that they deserve, and in the last decade some of these barriers have gotten harder to deal with.

The most crucial thing to do when you go back to work is to look after yourself. Because if you’re alright, then the whole family will be.

Here are three practical ways to achieve a balance of fulfilling work, recognition and progress with flexibility and time for your family. (There’s lots more in the book.)

1. If your boss tells you they don’t need you for an important meeting or project [...] you need to set them straight

There are few things worse than that agony of the mix of guilt, fear and resentment that I experienced when my boss stood me down from a crucial meeting. 

At that moment I was flustered and upset. I had a sleepless night. Then I worked out what to say. I went back to my boss and told him that I’d been able to swap my day out of the office for once because this was such a crucial meeting, and because I was the one with the closest personal relationship with the account. 

I’d take Bob along to the meeting, of course, and ensure that he was able to substitute for me in the future, but I also said that I’d take responsibility for setting up the future meetings in order to make sure that I was available for them. 

My boss was actually delighted with me. He hadn’t felt able to request that I try and make the meeting because he felt that would be an infringement of my personal life. 

So, all the time I’d been upset about what was happening, and frankly catastrophising the worst scenarios (redundancy, being irrelevant), he’d been dreading doing the meeting without me, because he actually valued me.

Time and again, while researching the book, I’ve heard women talk about losing confidence after having a baby and time out of the office. They worry about things moving so fast these days that time out means that you can never catch up.

You need to remind yourself, and those around you, including your boss and your team, that you’re still the same ambitious, skilled woman that you were before babies. Every boundary is, in my experience, negotiable. 

I went back to work with the knowledge that if my babies needed me at any moment, I’d walk out straight away and go to them. 

At the same time, this did mean that if my boss needed me to be flexible in return, sometimes, if it was important, I’d absolutely do that. Show confidence, and if you’re not feeling it, then fake it. Behave as a confident version of yourself would in that situation.

The Glass Wall: Success Strategies for Women at Work and Businesses That Mean Business (RRP £11, Amazon)

2. Make remote working work for you

Before 2020, remote working was unheard of at many workplaces. The pandemic has revolutionised this, and nearly everyone who can works from home some days.

There are a couple of problems with this, though. First of all, mums are expected to juggle their careers and their childcare without enough help. Resist this trap. You need backup for the days when you’re working from home, and you need backup for your backup. 

I know this is easier said than done, but the network of mums is a fine and glorious thing. I relied on other mums and, you know what, they relied on me. Every moment you spend on nurturing those relationships is well spent. Don’t fall into the burnout trap because you try to be Wonder Woman. 

According to the European Agency for Safety and Health at Work, women working remotely face greater time pressure and work overload than men.

The second problem is Zoom. It’s fine, usually, if everyone in the meeting is on a Zoom screen. But no-one has made “hybrid” meetings work properly, where most people are in a meeting room physically and just one or two people are dialling in. 

Too often the IRL people end up talking to each other and ignoring the people on screen. If this is happening to you in a regular meeting, ensure that you talk to the person running the meeting and ask that they find a structured way to include you.

Also, people who work remotely can often feel that there’s extra pressure to stay relevant and involved. Don’t volunteer for everything. You’ll end up feeling like you’re on a hamster wheel of pointless activity. 

Be selective. Take a moment to consider what you’re particularly good at and what your specific skill adds to the team. Then focus on how you can contribute in those ways, and above all make sure that you amplify what you’re doing regularly, both to your boss and to the whole team.

3. Make sure that there’s a shared load agreement at home

We spoke to one woman who we’re calling Rachel (all the interviews are anonymous in the book to protect confidentiality). She was about to return to work after her second maternity leave with a toddler and twin babies to look after at home.

She pointed out: “I know some men, some dads, walk out of the door and don’t think about what the kids are doing and what they’re eating. Mums have to.”

That sense of carrying everything in your head will be familiar to plenty of mothers, even those with the “best husband in the world”. Being at work doesn’t switch off the running list of meals, appointments and childcare arrangements. I’m yet to come across a situation where the load is truly shared equally. It’s two full-time jobs: being a mum and working.

If you have a partner, negotiate a shared load agreement. Make it specific, covering who notices and plans things as well as who does them. If one person has to remember every task and delegate it, they’re still managing the whole operation.

Regularly review it, not in anger but as a routine. Don’t wait for your partner to magically transform into the perfect husband, or until you’re both exhausted and furious to talk about what needs to change. The aim is to share responsibility, rather than leave you in charge of telling everyone what to do.

And if you’re parenting alone, think about what support you can draw on and what you can realistically stop doing. There’s no useful prize for taking on more than you can sustain.

About the author

Sue Unerman is a business leader and strategy and transformation expert who spent more than three decades at WPP. She co-wrote The Glass Wall with Kathryn Jacob OBE.

The Glass Wall: Success Strategies for Women at Work and Businesses That Mean Business, 10th Anniversary Edition (Bloomsbury Business), is out now. The updated edition explores what’s changed for women at work over the past decade, with practical strategies for navigating barriers and building a fulfilling career.

Follow @glasswall10 on Instagram for more tips and strategies.