Am I being unfair - buying a house without DP

(356 Posts)
sunshinesally11 Mon 14-Jun-21 12:37:33

Currently I live in a tiny house with my 2DC. My DP of 5 years (who has 1 DC) shares a house with his brother (his DC has their own room there).

We can't afford to buy a property together for the size we need as DP says that his DC needs their own bedroom and can't share with my youngest of a similar age. I'm not prepared to go from owning a home to renting.

My parents have offered to purchase me a bigger house than I have now. This would be a 3 bed, so a bedroom each for my DC and one for me. If this bedroom was a 4 bed, my DP would have moved in and contributed towards the household bills. But because this would be a 3 bed, it would mean his DC wouldn't get their own room, and he would refuse to move in on that basis. In fact, he was pretty cross that I'd consider moving to a 3 bed in the first place.

Am I being unreasonable here? I feel in a really awkward position as potentially to live with my DP and his DC have their own room, I would have to turn down the offer of a 3 bed from my parents. But if i do accept the offer then I know my DP would not react well.

Does anyone have any advice?

OP’s posts: |
SprayedWithDettol Mon 14-Jun-21 12:40:15

Do what’s best for you and your DC.

Bopahula Mon 14-Jun-21 12:40:54

Absolutely accept the offer. Why should you stay in a smaller house with your children to appease your DP who isn't prepared to make any compromise.
It you don't accept, then how long until you will be able to buy a suitable sized property together?

I'd get the house your parents offered (assuming it comes with no strings attached) and secure your own future.

R0SEMARY Mon 14-Jun-21 12:41:47

Yes I agree, do what’s right for you and your kids. Because that’s what he’s doing.

idontlikealdi Mon 14-Jun-21 12:42:01

YANBU, at all. Your kids come first.

Love51 Mon 14-Jun-21 12:42:51

He isn't prepared to compromise on what he considers to be in the best interests of his DC, which is fair enough, but he shouldn't then expect you to compromise about doing what you consider best for your family. If you aren't living with him, why does he care what sort of home you have? Who does it benefit for you not to take up the 3 bedroom home? He's no worse off than if you stayed in the tiny house.

Rainbowqueeen Mon 14-Jun-21 12:42:55

I’d accept the offer. Put your DC first by staying a home owner and also giving them their own space.
Your DP is rightly prioritising what he thinks is right for his DC and that’s also great. Blended families are very tricky.
I’d keep dating and live separately because I would see that as being best for my DC but they are teenagers and I appreciate that others may have a different view.
But I would definitely not let him hold me back from providing financial security and a nice lifestyle for my DC

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altforvarmt Mon 14-Jun-21 12:43:21

So, the two of you cannot afford a 4 bedroom house together. And you, alone, cannot afford a 4 bedroom house. And he won't live with you in anything less than a 4 bedroom house.

There's no dilemma here. You're not in a position to meet his demands, so you don't and won't live together.

When all that's considered, it really doesn't matter which 3 bedroom house you live in.

Or is he expecting you/your parents to magic up a 4 bedroom house to meet his requirements?

CoffeeAndDryShampoo Mon 14-Jun-21 12:44:33

Let him be as cross as he wants, if you want to accept your parents offer then go for it!

Redglitter Mon 14-Jun-21 12:44:36

I'd take the house your parents have offered, no question about it.

How often does his child stay with you?

Tippexy Mon 14-Jun-21 12:47:01

I would be very wary of buying a house with someone to whom I was not married.

Sally872 Mon 14-Jun-21 12:47:02

You can't live together for the foreseeable. You moving into a bigger 3 bed does not change anything he should be happy for you. If he grudges you this then I would reconsider relationship.

messybun101 Mon 14-Jun-21 12:47:04

Your kids come first. Accept the offer of a 3 bed and be happy in your own space.

Your parents are offering this to you, their daughter, and their grandchildren. They want what's best for you and you want what's best for your DCs so make the move.

It's not selfish in any way. It's just being a mum.
Your parents are so generous to help you this way op. You should accept, you'll be happy and so will DCs

SleepingStandingUp Mon 14-Jun-21 12:47:14

Well it makes no difference to him surely whether you live in a 2 or a 3 as he can't move into either, so he's being a prat to resent you living in a 3.
If you turn down the house from your parents, you still can't live together but there's less room for the whole of you as a unit.

What happens of you want to sell and move down the line? Would your parents be happy to give you the money for a 3 and him contribute the extra to afford a 4 but something written on so they keep their share if you split?

sunshinesally11 Mon 14-Jun-21 12:48:08

His DC stays with him 4 overnights a month, but has dinner there quite regularly.

I'm not sure he's expecting my parents to buy a 4 bed as that would be too expensive.

We've always said that we would live together eventually, but I just don't see how that's going to happen if his DC has to have their own room. He thinks if we can ever find a suitable house then we should just rent, but that would mean selling my house whereas he already rents!

OP’s posts: |
HappyWipings Mon 14-Jun-21 12:49:13

So is he expecting you/your family to provide a home for his children? As that's what it sounds like and that's completely unreasonable.

Why is he unable to contribute towards a mortgage on a four bed house?

frazzledasarock Mon 14-Jun-21 12:50:13

He can't afford any house by the sounds of things.

he wants you to buy a four bed house before he will move in with you.

Your parents want to help you to buy a bigger house for you and your DC.

Well obviously you go for hte bigger house with the help of your parents.

Your boyfriend can buy his own house.

Your boyfriend gets no say in the house unless he's paying for it same as you. In any event it's more financially secure for you to have your own home for you and your DC, so if you and your boyfriend break up you do not face losing your home.

Why do you need him to move in, keep dating.

30degreesandmeltinghere Mon 14-Jun-21 12:50:26

3 bedroomed. His dc are free to stay over lf they can slum it and share... Bet they will love it.
Their df can buy a house for them. Should he choose..

messybun101 Mon 14-Jun-21 12:51:09

* So, the two of you cannot afford a 4 bedroom house together. And you, alone, cannot afford a 4 bedroom house. And he won't live with you in anything less than a 4 bedroom house.*

Hmm... Is he expecting your parents to fork up the money of a 3 bed and you put to it to make it a 4 bed?

Still in YANBU team. Say yes, please and thank you to your parents and do it!

R0SEMARY Mon 14-Jun-21 12:51:26

So your parents have offered to do something very generous for you and your children that would greatly increase your quality of life.

It won’t change your BFs situation or harm him in any way.

Yet his reaction will be to be react badly . Not happy for you and your kids. This says a lot about him.

AlternativePerspective Mon 14-Jun-21 12:52:03

Playing devil’s advocate here.

While on the one hand you are absolutely right to do what is best for your own DC, and to accept the offer, on the other hand, by buying a house which only you and your DC can live in, you are sending out a very deliberate message to your DP that your relationship is not important enough to you to want to take it to the next level.

And that’s fine. Nobody should feel obliged to move in with someone they don’t want to live with. But from his perspective you are deliberately moving forward without him.

if a poster posted here that she’d been in a relationship with someone for 5 years and that he was buying a house which she wasn’t going to be living in for the foreseeable, the consensus would be that “he’s just not that into you/doesn’t see a future for your relationship.

That doesn’t mean what you’re doing is wrong, it’s just the way he might see it.

frazzledasarock Mon 14-Jun-21 12:53:18

I'd never give up my house to rent privately with a boyfriend.

Worse case scenario you are homeless if you break up and you have no money/deposit to put towards a new place for you and your children.

He can carry on renting, if that floats his boat, I would not give up my home to pour away on a larger property to rent with a boyfriend to suit his requirements.

Tale care of number one, that is you and your kids.

HappyWipings Mon 14-Jun-21 12:53:54

Also , if he's fussing about his kids not having a room for only 4 nights each month there's a good chance he'll have the same attitude to other things and potentially will make your life really difficult.

Is he a difficult in other ways op?

WaterBottle123 Mon 14-Jun-21 12:54:01

Why can't he top up your parents cash to make a 4 bed possible? Does the house have to be free for him to be interested? hmm

ViceLikeBlip Mon 14-Jun-21 12:54:03

If you can't live together, then why does it make any difference to him where you live by yourself?! Is he hoping that if he has a tantrum then you'll be able to blackmail your parents into giving you more money?

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