Am I being unfair - buying a house without DP

[sunshinesally11]

Currently I live in a tiny house with my 2DC. My DP of 5 years (who has 1 DC) shares a house with his brother (his DC has their own room there).

We can't afford to buy a property together for the size we need as DP says that his DC needs their own bedroom and can't share with my youngest of a similar age. I'm not prepared to go from owning a home to renting.

My parents have offered to purchase me a bigger house than I have now. This would be a 3 bed, so a bedroom each for my DC and one for me. If this bedroom was a 4 bed, my DP would have moved in and contributed towards the household bills. But because this would be a 3 bed, it would mean his DC wouldn't get their own room, and he would refuse to move in on that basis. In fact, he was pretty cross that I'd consider moving to a 3 bed in the first place.

Am I being unreasonable here? I feel in a really awkward position as potentially to live with my DP and his DC have their own room, I would have to turn down the offer of a 3 bed from my parents. But if i do accept the offer then I know my DP would not react well.

Does anyone have any advice?

[SpringCrocus]

@sunshinesally11

Oh god, is this the Yeokens thief?

If so, why did you let him back into your life?

And if not, why do you have him in your life? He is a total cocklodger!

[BIWI]

@sunshinesally11

What do you really expect to get out of this thread? Do you think people are going to say anything different about your 'D'P than they did last time?

[youvegottenminuteslynn]

[quote SpringCrocus]@sunshinesally11

Oh god, is this the Yeokens thief?

If so, why did you let him back into your life?

And if not, why do you have him in your life? He is a total cocklodger![/quote]
Oh god it's not him is it?!

[AuntyFungal]

The bedroom is the red herring.

Why are you so desperate for a relationship that you would put up with a cocklodger?

Evidence:

• No savings after 5 years.
  
• Low outgoings - lives at his DB, spends weeknights with you. Doesn’t contribute to your household costs or practical help.
  
• Minimal overnights with his DC.
  
• Trying to destabilise your’s and your DCs housing for the benefit of his self.
  
  If I was your mum and you told me all of this, I would be so -pissed- worried that you are even considering pissing away your & DCs security for a shitty cocklodger.

[sunshinesally11]

@SpringCrocus what's a yeokens thief?

@nimbuscloud I do, I just always thought he didn't contribute because he doesn't actually live with me.

[PioneerWoman]

Accept the offer, it’s very generous of your parents.

Your DP doesn’t sound great, I think you should keep all your finances separate. Head over heart and don’t feel guilty for looking after your kids and your security. He is in no position to make demands.

[ArcheryAnnie]

@altforvarmt

So, the two of you cannot afford a 4 bedroom house together. And you, alone, cannot afford a 4 bedroom house. And he won't live with you in anything less than a 4 bedroom house.

There's no dilemma here. You're not in a position to meet his demands, so you don't and won't live together.

When all that's considered, it really doesn't matter which 3 bedroom house you live in.

Or is he expecting you/your parents to magic up a 4 bedroom house to meet his requirements?

This. He's expecting you to disadvantage your DCs, but would not dream (rightly) of disadvantaging his DC.

[jellybeansforbreakfast]

In fact, he was pretty cross that I'd consider moving to a 3 bed in the first place. And how much of a relationship rethink did you have after that?

He stays at yours when his DC aren't visiting, when he goes back to his DBs home, where he has commandeered a permanent room for them.

He doesn't pay towards your bills, presumably because despite where his bum warms a loo seat and where his face gets fed, his head lies n a pillow, he isn't actually living with you.

Doesn't pay towards the food he eats because... nope. Can't answer that one.

And now wants to tell you you can't own a home wehre your own child can have their own room because his kid won't have one when they move in with you.

Is this what you want for your life? To give away what you and your parents work hard for, what your child has from you.

It doesn't sound much like fun to me.

[jellybeansforbreakfast]

The yeo token stealing OH sounded remarkably like yours, @sunshinesally11. Self centred, selfish, unpleasant and free loading.

When that OP threw him out his self absorbed self even took the yoghurt tokens from her fridge door.

[LazyMareofEastown]

Get rid of him OP. He's a useless cocklodger.

I'm in a kind of similar situation in that I have my own (tiny) house. DP rents. We each have two DC. I adore him and he is 100% NOT a cocklodger but he walked away from his marriage with zero financially due to guilt at causing the split which has left him completely unviable in terms of buying a property. He also has debt.

We can't afford to buy together. I refuse to move out of my house and into rented. I'm just not willing to do that and put my kids through the disruption.

So we live separately. He knows that once he has paid off his debts and has sufficient savings and can bring equal to the table as me, then we can absolutely buy somewhere together but until that day me and my DC will be staying our in our tiny house!

Your parents sound ace btw. Grab their offer with both hands!

[DandelionRose]

@AlternativePerspective

Playing devil’s advocate here.

While on the one hand you are absolutely right to do what is best for your own DC, and to accept the offer, on the other hand, by buying a house which only you and your DC can live in, you are sending out a very deliberate message to your DP that your relationship is not important enough to you to want to take it to the next level.

And that’s fine. Nobody should feel obliged to move in with someone they don’t want to live with. But from his perspective you are deliberately moving forward without him.

if a poster posted here that she’d been in a relationship with someone for 5 years and that he was buying a house which she wasn’t going to be living in for the foreseeable, the consensus would be that “he’s just not that into you/doesn’t see a future for your relationship.

That doesn’t mean what you’re doing is wrong, it’s just the way he might see it.

OP can't afford a 4 bed, it seems her DP can't contribute towards affording a 4 bed so that's not a "deliberate message' to her DP. It's cutting cloth accordingly to both hers and her DP's purses.

OP shouldn't miss out (nor should her DCs) on the chance of a bigger house with own bedrooms so as not to upset her DP, if he isn't able to contribute to owning a bigger house to accommodate his DCs too. He's entitled to not like it, but it's not unreasonable of OP to do it at all. He's looking out for his DCs. She's looking out for hers. No loving DP would want someone to go from the home security of being able to own a home to renting a home, on their behalf.

It could be that the DP is slightly jealous that OP has the option of a bigger owned house without his contribution.

[youvegottenminuteslynn]

@jellybeansforbreakfast

In fact, he was pretty cross that I'd consider moving to a 3 bed in the first place. And how much of a relationship rethink did you have after that?

He stays at yours when his DC aren't visiting, when he goes back to his DBs home, where he has commandeered a permanent room for them.

He doesn't pay towards your bills, presumably because despite where his bum warms a loo seat and where his face gets fed, his head lies n a pillow, he isn't actually living with you.

Doesn't pay towards the food he eats because... nope. Can't answer that one.

And now wants to tell you you can't own a home wehre your own child can have their own room because his kid won't have one when they move in with you.

Is this what you want for your life? To give away what you and your parents work hard for, what your child has from you.

It doesn't sound much like fun to me.

Please read this OP and try to understand why we are absolutely baffled at your decision to be with this bloke.

It makes no sense and you keep saying he doesn't live with you but he is at your house all but 4 days of the month!! He just doesn't contribute anything. What kind of a selfish prick behaves that way?!

Why are you putting him before your children by considering turning down a house because it's not what he would want?!

[slashlover]

[quote sunshinesally11]@SpringCrocus what's a yeokens thief?

@nimbuscloud I do, I just always thought he didn't contribute because he doesn't actually live with me.
[/quote]
He spends the evening here and stays over night when he doesn't have his DC. He's at work in the day. Not here the weekends he has his DC.

He lives with you 24 out of 28 days. Do you think his DC actually lives with their mum because they stay there the same number of nights as he spends with you?

[SpringCrocus]

@sunshinesally11, @jellybeansforbreakfast explained it very clearly.

[SpringCrocus]

And, he IS living with you. And contributing nothing

[LazyMareofEastown]

It's the Yeokens wanker?????

OP - gie yer heed a wobble FFS!!

[youvegottenminuteslynn]

@AlternativePerspective

by buying a house which only you and your DC can live in, you are sending out a very deliberate message to your DP that your relationship is not important enough to you to want to take it to the next level.

By living in her house all but four days of the month with no financial contribution, he is sending a very deliberate message to OP that he doesn't think he should be responsible for adulting and that being a grown up is her job.

Sending a very deliberate message that OP's hard earned money should be spent on subbing his food and board.

Sending a very deliberate message that it's up to her to provide the finances and logistics to take their relationship to the next level. Lucky OP, eh...

[notalwaysalondoner]

Couldn’t a compromise be that you find a three bed where you could divide one of the rooms? Or a four bed with smaller rooms? Or at least the option for an extension in future? Agree with other advice though about being very careful if you buy with someone you’re not married to - set it up as tenants in common etc.

[frazzledasarock]

When my DH (then DP), started staying over at mine, eg ended up at mine a lot of the time he started buying all the food shop, she paid for some bills and helped out with housework and chores and maintenance work on my house and would taxi my dc about if needed.

He felt the amount he was saving on his bills should go into my home as he was using up that much tat mind instead.

Which is why I was fine about moving in with him eventually and we both paid equally towards a new larger place.

No grown adult expects to live for free in someone else’s home. Check how much your bills have gone up since he started spending most of his time with you and ask him for the difference as lodging costs.

But I’d get rid of him.

[thenewduchessofhastings]

If he did move in with you what would he be bringing to the table?

What does he expect to contribute financially if you live together?;is he going to be doing his share of the housework etc

Also if his kid is only staying 4 nights a month why can't they share a room or sleep on a sofa bed somewhere?

You said living with his brother was a temporary solution so he's looking to move in with you out of convenience;I'm getting potential cocklodger vibes here.

[frazzledasarock]

@notalwaysalondoner

Couldn’t a compromise be that you find a three bed where you could divide one of the rooms? Or a four bed with smaller rooms? Or at least the option for an extension in future? Agree with other advice though about being very careful if you buy with someone you’re not married to - set it up as tenants in common etc.

Why should he be set up as anything. He won’t be paying towards the house.

[Opentooffers]

Sex of the DC could be a factor here, you haven't said you're DC's sex, so if his DC is a different sex to yours, then that would be understandable as you'd only aim to have the same sex sharing.

[MargosKaftan]

OK before reading there was history with this bloke being a dick , was going to suggest accept the house offer and then potentially rent that out and rent a 4 bed together, so you've not given up the security of owning, and get the extra bedroom, but having seen the other comments, no, dont.

You need to rethink this relationship. Hes not a good long term bet.

[me4real]

It depends if you really think it'd be a good idea to live with this guy.

As his kid won't stay over all that often, couldn't they have a sofa bed on the few nights a month? If he really thinks them sharing for a few nights is that bad.

But I don't get a good vibe about him.

[thenewduchessofhastings]

@jellybeansforbreakfast

I remember the yogurt token thief 😂😂😂😂