Am I being unfair - buying a house without DP

[sunshinesally11]

Currently I live in a tiny house with my 2DC. My DP of 5 years (who has 1 DC) shares a house with his brother (his DC has their own room there).

We can't afford to buy a property together for the size we need as DP says that his DC needs their own bedroom and can't share with my youngest of a similar age. I'm not prepared to go from owning a home to renting.

My parents have offered to purchase me a bigger house than I have now. This would be a 3 bed, so a bedroom each for my DC and one for me. If this bedroom was a 4 bed, my DP would have moved in and contributed towards the household bills. But because this would be a 3 bed, it would mean his DC wouldn't get their own room, and he would refuse to move in on that basis. In fact, he was pretty cross that I'd consider moving to a 3 bed in the first place.

Am I being unreasonable here? I feel in a really awkward position as potentially to live with my DP and his DC have their own room, I would have to turn down the offer of a 3 bed from my parents. But if i do accept the offer then I know my DP would not react well.

Does anyone have any advice?

[Notaroadrunner]

[quote sunshinesally11]@LolaSmiles He spends the evening here and stays over night when he doesn't have his DC. He's at work in the day. Not here the weekends he has his DC.

To answer your questions, no he doesn't contribute towards food, bills or housework. [/quote]
Oh dear. He's a right cocklodger isn't he. To be honest I'd be letting him go. He cannot afford to buy his own place and expects you to give up the security of having your own house, to go and rent with him. Even if your parents could afford a 5 bed house for you and your kids, there's no way you should be moving him in. He's taking you for granted as it is so would probably move in and still expect you to pay for everything and do all the housework. Take the extremely generous offer from your parents and leave this guy behind.

[DavidTheDog]

Tell him you're very open to getting a four-bed house with him, and in the meantime you're taking your parents up on their offer of a three-bed.

However, given your description of him so far, I'm not sure why you'd ever want to live with him.

[mindutopia]

I think it's completely reasonable for him to want a room for his dc. Personally, if my dc were used to having their own room, I would want to provide them that same set up in any house I owned and I think that would be what's fair from my perspective as a parent.

But it's completely unreasonable for him to expect your parents to pay for that. He should be saving (after all, you've been together 5 years now) and getting himself in a position to buy a house together with you, including topping up your parents' contribution so you both can have the house you want. I'd be really embarrassed for someone else's family to buy me a house that I wasn't contributing to in any way.

[emmathedilemma]

I wouldn't step off the property ladder to rent as I think you'd find it very hard to get back onto it. Take the 3 bedroom house your parents are offering to help with. If his DC only stays over 4 nights a month it hardly seems stretching your budget to something you can't afford. Could you maybe find a 3 bed that has a large 2nd bedroom that could be temporarily subdivided when he does stay, or space to extend / create a 4th bedroom.

[Corcory]

Can't he make a contribution to buying a larger house? If he's working he could easily get a small mortgage for the difference.

[Annasgirl]

@emmathedilemma RTFT

[titchy]

So he can't afford to house his child in his own room without his brother's help.
He can't afford to house his child in his own room with you.
He can't afford to house his child in his own room with you and your parents' help.
He isn't prepared to compromise on his child having his own room.
Where does he think this 4th bedroom is going to appear from?

[Ourlady]

He must have some really special qualities for you to be still putting up with this shite from him. He's still trying to control your housing situation.
It's absolutely crazy to even consider giving up owning your own home with independent financial security to go into renting with a selfish cocklodger.

[iknowimcoming]

I remember your other thread too, stick to your guns love, this man-child sounds like a user to me, protect yourself and you dc and let him worry about himself and his child, they aren't your responsibility nor should they be!

[sunshinesally11]

@titchy Exactly what I'm thinking!

[Maharajah20]

@R0SEMARY

Yes I agree, do what’s right for you and your kids. Because that’s what he’s doing.

Yep! Just say exactly this to him.

[ilovemydogandmrobama2]

Not sure I understand why his DC needs own room as it would be possible for DC to share, but may be along the lines that he wants to make his DC feel on equal footing?

He can't have it both ways - not able to be able to help on finances with buying a property, and insisting on the number of bedrooms.

Totally agree with other posters that you need the house in your name.

[Chickychickydodah]

It’s a nope from me. He needs to stop being a idiot and grow up, he can’t expect you or your family to stump up for a extra room for so few nights staying over.

[updownroundandround]

I agree with all the PP's that you simply tell him that you are accepting the help from your parents to buy a 3 bed house, as that's what you can afford.

Let him be as bloody cross as he wants, because he's just being a cheeky fucker !

He'd have you lose your chance to own a 3 bed house for you and your DC's, just so that his DC could have his own bloody room ! For 4 bloody nights a month !! What a cheeky bastard he is, isn't he ??

Tell him ''DP, I am putting the needs of my DC first, and accepting my parents help to own my own 3 bed house. It's better if we continue to live separately, because I will not be renting anywhere when I have the option to own my house, as this will be part of my DC's inheritance !

[Beautiful3]

Your children come first. Please accept your parents generous offer for the sake of your children. You are not married to your partner and he is not willing to compromise, so he doesn't get to live with you.

[blisstwins]

@SprayedWithDettol

Do what’s best for you and your DC.

This.

[KenAddams]

Take the bigger house from your parents and rent him out your house haha

[SunshineCake]

Only read OP.

I'd gratefully accept the house and ditch the bloke. How dare he be cross that your Parents aren't offering to buy you a four bedroom house .

[youvegottenminuteslynn]

[quote sunshinesally11]@titchy Exactly what I'm thinking! [/quote]
But OP why are you even interested in being with a man like this? Why are you even remotely considering putting his wants before your children? I don't understand.

[slashlover]

He wants your DC to share every single night so his DC doesn't need to share for 4 nights a month.

He's not paying for food, utilities, rent etc so he must be loaded and able to contribute to a larger mortgage. He probably doesn't pay for much more than petrol, phone and maintenance.

I'd be worried where his money is actually going.

[youshouldbeplotting]

[quote PeachMelba78]@sunshinesally11 how much extra is a 4 bedroom compared with a 3 bedroom.
Also as he stays over most nights and doesn’t contribute food, help or money, I would be very reluctant to let him stay over in the new house. Or even stay in the relationship.
I can see what he is getting out of it, but not what you are getting out of it.
He is giving you more housework to do, using additional electric, water and gas, costing you more for food. What does he actually bring to the table?[/quote]
This.

I suspect a bit of cocklodgery going on here.

[Librariesmakeshhhhappen]

Why are you with this guy? Why do so many women have so little self respect.

Why is he practically living with you at the moment without contributing at all? He stays with you all the time his kids arent with him. So he's moved in, he just doesnt want to pay for it.

And now he wants you to put yourself in a worse financial position so he can get the precious 4th room? No. This guy is a loser. Move on.

[nimbuscloud]

Do you not feel aggrieved that you are subsidising him all the time? For 5 years?

[nimbuscloud]

Why are you with this guy? Why do so many women have so little self respect.

I think for some women, any man - no matter how useless he is - is better than no man.

[MadeForThis]

He's cocklodger.
I'm also concerned that he is happy for you to give up your security to rent with him.

Has he discussed how the rent would be split for the 4 bed?