Am I being unfair - buying a house without DP

[sunshinesally11]

Currently I live in a tiny house with my 2DC. My DP of 5 years (who has 1 DC) shares a house with his brother (his DC has their own room there).

We can't afford to buy a property together for the size we need as DP says that his DC needs their own bedroom and can't share with my youngest of a similar age. I'm not prepared to go from owning a home to renting.

My parents have offered to purchase me a bigger house than I have now. This would be a 3 bed, so a bedroom each for my DC and one for me. If this bedroom was a 4 bed, my DP would have moved in and contributed towards the household bills. But because this would be a 3 bed, it would mean his DC wouldn't get their own room, and he would refuse to move in on that basis. In fact, he was pretty cross that I'd consider moving to a 3 bed in the first place.

Am I being unreasonable here? I feel in a really awkward position as potentially to live with my DP and his DC have their own room, I would have to turn down the offer of a 3 bed from my parents. But if i do accept the offer then I know my DP would not react well.

Does anyone have any advice?

[sunshinesally11]

@Fireflygal I'm not too sure about his money sense to be honest. I know he is definitely saving but I'd of expected him to have saved way more by now than he actually has.

[Fupoffyagrasshole]

Don’t get the obsession with everyone needing their own room!
But anyway he’s a dick he sounds like he’s looking for you to provide a house for him and his child!

If he wants his own bigger place then he can get his act together and save up!
Sounds like a user to me

Or else he just trying to make excuses to not live with you

Either way sounds like you’d be best to plough on ahead with house purchase on your own and reconsider your relationship

[VettiyaIruken]

Your priority (and obligation) is to your own children. It would be far better to own your own house and have that security. If your boyfriend doesn't want to move in that's probably for the best. I strongly suspect he'd not behave well towards your children.

[bjrce]

Hate to say this OP - But he would probably be perfectly happy if you went with the 3 bedroomed house and allow his DC their own room and you two share!

Be very cautious with this one - he doesn't have the finances to help purchase a 4 bedroomed house, after 5 years of renting with his brother.
He;s looking out for himself!

[Jumpingintosummer]

I remember your previous post. I think you need to prioritise your own security.

[TheLeadbetterLife]

I honestly can't see any reason to move in with a partner except for sharing expenses (and I say this as someone who is very happily married and cohabiting). If you don't need someone else with whom to share expenses, why move them in? It can only be for his benefit. You don't owe him lodging OP.

[RandomMess]

Does he currently stay over a lot?

I think I would prefer long term dating with separate homes if I were single now. Far less compromising and no expectation that you do the wifework!!

[DoingItMyself]

Accept your parents' help to make a better life for you and your DC. The DC are yours forever, always your responsibility.

The DP needs to sort out his own life, not think that by moving in on you he can have everything lovely at your (and your parents) initial expense. Keep him at arms' length. Enjoy him but don't let him interfere with you and your DCs future happiness.

[Twoforthree]

You could always say that for now you’ll live in the three bed with your dc, with a view to possibly renting that out in the future so that you can rent a bigger house together. But I’d be adamant that I would not come off the housing ladder. That’s pure madness.

[tara66]

Don't forget if he did move in to a house you own that he has not contributed to financially at all - if he stayed there for 2 years and you broke up - he might have some claim on it if he has no where else to live - even if you are not married. Better he does not move in for your better financial position. I would discourage it.

[sunshinesally11]

@RandomMess Yes pretty much every night he doesn't have his DC.

[Pompom2367]

Op he is being unreasonable If he doesn't want his child sharing then he needs to contribute the difference

[Loopylobes]

Even if you magically came up with a solution that gave his DC their own room, there will just be more issues in the future where he expects family life to revolve around keeping his DC happy and it wouldn't work out well.

Maybe you're better off living apart anyway.

[Luckingfovely]

Without a shadow of a doubt, you must take up your parents' lovely offer and ensure stability, space, and security for you and your dc.

You haven't done anything wrong. He's responsible for his own life and his dc, and if he wanted a four bed, then he should saved enough to contribute.

I suspect that if you ever do live with this man you will find he's a complete millstone.

Ignore him and have a lovely time moving to a bigger house

[GettingItOutThere]

@ViceLikeBlip

If you can't live together, then why does it make any difference to him where you live by yourself?! Is he hoping that if he has a tantrum then you'll be able to blackmail your parents into giving you more money?

this exactly ^^ !

get the 3 bed house, put your kids first as that is exactly what he is doing (and himself)!

be mad not to take your parents offer!

[HappyWipings]

Your boyfriend is sounding more and more expensive as this thread continues. Are you sure he's worth it op?

[Regularsizedrudy]

Sounds like he’s throwing a tantrum now that his cocklodging plans have been scuppered 🚩

[LolaSmiles]

Yes pretty much every night he doesn't have his DC.
Does he pay towards your bills for the all but 4 days a month he doesn't have his DC?
Does he pay half the food bill for this time?
Does he do 50% of the household chores?

I think I know what the answer will be, but will give him the benefit of the doubt.

He sounds like he's annoyed that his cocklodging plans have been scuppered.

[katy1213]

He's a CF and I wouldn't let him get his feet under the table. It's none of his business where you choose to live and your parents are not responsible for funding his aspirations to a lifestyle that is clearly beyond his means.
Keep him as a boyfriend if you will but absolutely don't let him move in on a 'sharing bills' basis that gives him a free ride on your investment.
"Wouldn't react well' indeed!

[sunshinesally11]

@LolaSmiles He spends the evening here and stays over night when he doesn't have his DC. He's at work in the day. Not here the weekends he has his DC.

To answer your questions, no he doesn't contribute towards food, bills or housework.

[tornadosequins]

So, basically he's still being as much of a dickhead as last time you posted about him only now you're about to give up the opportunity to move your children into a secure home that better fits their needs because of him?

He's being ridiculous. Are you scared of him?

Put your children first. Simple.

[RandomMess]

So he actually lives rent free at yours, how is he not loaded?

He is costing you and your DC £££££

[litterbird]

I cant see this relationship working out I am afraid. You are not financially equal and he is demanding stuff from you that isn't sensible. I think he thought you would provide a 4 bed and move in and be the cocklodger he wants to be. I would seriously re think your future with this man. I am sure he is nice and lovely but not on equal footings with you. Blended families are a nightmare it seems. Think you need to re assess a lot of things right now.

[LolaSmiles]

To answer your questions, no he doesn't contribute towards food, bills or housework.
I thought so OP.

You don't need a man child in your life, especially one who thinks you should sacrifice your financial stability and your children's secure housing.

Decent men wouldn't behave how he does.

If you move in with him then none of those behaviours will change. He'll continue doing nothing and you'll rightly become resentful of propping up a cocklodger.

[PeachMelba78]

@sunshinesally11 how much extra is a 4 bedroom compared with a 3 bedroom.
Also as he stays over most nights and doesn’t contribute food, help or money, I would be very reluctant to let him stay over in the new house. Or even stay in the relationship.
I can see what he is getting out of it, but not what you are getting out of it.
He is giving you more housework to do, using additional electric, water and gas, costing you more for food. What does he actually bring to the table?