Am I being unfair - buying a house without DP

[sunshinesally11]

Currently I live in a tiny house with my 2DC. My DP of 5 years (who has 1 DC) shares a house with his brother (his DC has their own room there).

We can't afford to buy a property together for the size we need as DP says that his DC needs their own bedroom and can't share with my youngest of a similar age. I'm not prepared to go from owning a home to renting.

My parents have offered to purchase me a bigger house than I have now. This would be a 3 bed, so a bedroom each for my DC and one for me. If this bedroom was a 4 bed, my DP would have moved in and contributed towards the household bills. But because this would be a 3 bed, it would mean his DC wouldn't get their own room, and he would refuse to move in on that basis. In fact, he was pretty cross that I'd consider moving to a 3 bed in the first place.

Am I being unreasonable here? I feel in a really awkward position as potentially to live with my DP and his DC have their own room, I would have to turn down the offer of a 3 bed from my parents. But if i do accept the offer then I know my DP would not react well.

Does anyone have any advice?

[sunshinesally11]

He doesn't want to continue renting with his brother, it was only supposed to be a temporary thing. But by wanting to live with me, and insisting his DC and their own room, he's basically making it impossible (although he seems to think I'm unreasonable for not selling my house and then renting somewhere with him!).

[ViceLikeBlip]

@AlternativePerspective

Playing devil’s advocate here.

While on the one hand you are absolutely right to do what is best for your own DC, and to accept the offer, on the other hand, by buying a house which only you and your DC can live in, you are sending out a very deliberate message to your DP that your relationship is not important enough to you to want to take it to the next level.

And that’s fine. Nobody should feel obliged to move in with someone they don’t want to live with. But from his perspective you are deliberately moving forward without him.

if a poster posted here that she’d been in a relationship with someone for 5 years and that he was buying a house which she wasn’t going to be living in for the foreseeable, the consensus would be that “he’s just not that into you/doesn’t see a future for your relationship.

That doesn’t mean what you’re doing is wrong, it’s just the way he might see it.

Not at all! She's saying that she'd love to live with him, he's the one saying that it's not feasible at the moment (he doesn't want his child sharing a room, fair enough, and they can't afford a 4 bed).

[LongLiveGoblingKing]

Why does a child who only stays at their dad' s house 4 days a month need their own room? Assuming they have their own room at their main residence? I've never understood this, and I was/am a step child who slept in the living room on an air mattress when at my dad's house.

If your parents are able to contribute £X amount for a 3 bed, can your partner add a contribution to make up enough for a 4 bed? If not, do what's best for you and your children and go for the 3 bed.

[messybun101]

I'm don't think there's a devils advocate to be played here

Neither op herself or with DP can afford a 4 bed house. Living together isn't going to happen.

Her address doesn't change the circumstances. They still wouldn't have enough rooms for everyone. Unless he is expecting OPs very generous parents to buy the house and their grandchildren compromise and share rooms whilst his gets their own?

[frazzledasarock]

@AlternativePerspective

Playing devil’s advocate here.

While on the one hand you are absolutely right to do what is best for your own DC, and to accept the offer, on the other hand, by buying a house which only you and your DC can live in, you are sending out a very deliberate message to your DP that your relationship is not important enough to you to want to take it to the next level.

And that’s fine. Nobody should feel obliged to move in with someone they don’t want to live with. But from his perspective you are deliberately moving forward without him.

if a poster posted here that she’d been in a relationship with someone for 5 years and that he was buying a house which she wasn’t going to be living in for the foreseeable, the consensus would be that “he’s just not that into you/doesn’t see a future for your relationship.

That doesn’t mean what you’re doing is wrong, it’s just the way he might see it.

I wouldn't say that. you don't put money in to a property you can't make demands.

I'd ask why the woman in this scenario is not able to contribute anything towards a new house.

Why should a girlfriend/boyfriend get veto over how someone spends their money especially if the person with the assets has their own children to care for.

[sunshinesally11]

Just to answer a couple of questions - no my DP can't afford to top up the cash to make it a 4 bed.

My DC both share a room with step siblings so I don't really understand his DC needing their own room, but I guess that's his decision.

[HappyWipings]

But why can't he get a mortgage with you op?

[LolaSmiles]

He may not WANT to rent with his brother, but his housing situation is his problem, not yours.

It's quite convenient how many men seem to get into relationships with women who are in stronger financial positions and then expect the woman in their life to provide for him and his DC.

I don't want to jump the gun, but it's a big red flag to me that a man would want you to give up your own financial security and give up your children's secure long-term housing, in order to move into rental with him (aka bankroll his preferred living situation so him and his DC can have a house he can't afford)

[Ostara212]

Your priority is a good home for you and DC and the financial security.

If he feels you are moving forward without him, then he can do as he wishes. Please don't prioritise a man over your ...well, anything. My ex wanted us to buy a do-er upper together. I wanted an easy place where I could continue an easy drive for the two jobs I had at the time.

I do actually think if the relationship is meant to continue, it will.

[Lampzade]

@LolaSmiles

He may not WANT to rent with his brother, but his housing situation is his problem, not yours.

It's quite convenient how many men seem to get into relationships with women who are in stronger financial positions and then expect the woman in their life to provide for him and his DC.

I don't want to jump the gun, but it's a big red flag to me that a man would want you to give up your own financial security and give up your children's secure long-term housing, in order to move into rental with him (aka bankroll his preferred living situation so him and his DC can have a house he can't afford)

This

[LeafBeetle]

It's unreasonable of him to expect you to come off the property ladder and rent with him. He's turning down a perfectly reasonable solution (his DC shares a bedroom with yours for 4 nights a month). Go ahead with your plans OP.

[TheLeadbetterLife]

If you can afford to live separately, live separately. Take the 3 bed house and enjoy your independence and security.

There’s no reason why you can’t have a fulfilling relationship despite not living together. With complicated blended families it keeps it simpler if you have your own security.

[RandomMess]

I think you have posted before (before parents offered to help).

Do not give up the security of your own home.

He isn't even prepared to try the boys sharing what will likely one'll be a couple of times per month due to differing contact schedules.

He wants the moon on a stick AND for YOU to fund it!!

He cannot afford a home for his DC without you or his brother subsidising it. He is a wannabe cocklodger.

[PlanDeRaccordement]

I agree you should accept offer from parents of a 3 bed home.

However, you apparently already own a 2 bed.

Would it be possible to sell your 2 bed, and then just ask for lump sum from parents that would buy a 3 bed (instead of them using the money buy a house) then use that to top your deposit up and then get a 4 bed home?

Im not convinced that you can’t get a 4 bed. Obviously depends on where you live and house availability and prices, but just asking if you’ve thought of this?

If you can, you can always take legal advice to ensure that your DP if he moves in won’t have a claim on this larger home of yours.

[messybun101]

We've always said that we would live together eventually, but I just don't see how that's going to happen if his DC has to have their own room.

When you spoke about this before, what was his solution then? A 3 bed where your kids continue to share and his gets their own? Another 2 bed so your kids are cramped up 4 days a month still?

He's totally unreasonable

[Fireflygal]

Does he not have good money sense? Just because he doesn't have the opportunity to buy doesn't mean you shouldn't be held back.

What is the situation was reversed, would he really give up an asset just so you could live with him??

Just repeat...I would love to live together and when you get yourself into a position of buying then we can talk about it.

[LuvMyBubbles]

Be selfish, get the house your parents are offering. Don't rent.

[sunshinesally11]

@RandomMess Hi, yes I did, quite a while back! My parents offering to purchase a house for me has changed the situation slightly.

[Ostara212]

Actually on second thoughts, something is bugging me

Could he want you to rent so he has (perceived) access to more cash?

[frazzledasarock]

Around where I am an extra bedroom whacks on over £100k I'd far rather have a smaller/no mortgage than extra debt.

[Guavafish]

I understand why he wants to rent and ensure his children have a room each! This is a good idea especially if you are all going to live together.

You’re in a difficult situation
You either let your parents buy you a 3 bedroom house - but alien him OR rent together - which might be a good idea initially to evaluate blendedfamily living.

You need a discussion about long term housing and really identify if he can be a home owner. If not then I would accept your parents offer.

Good luck

[Ughmaybenot]

You absolutely should take it, grab it with both hands. You must do best by your children, they’re what’s important, not your stroppy, grabby boyfriend!

[sunshinesally11]

Just to clarify, he has just the one DC who is the same sex as my youngest, and there is a 2 year age gap between them.

[bjrce]

Under no circumstances should you sell your house to rent a 4 bedroomed house with him.

You have an opportunity from your very generous parents for security for both you and your DC. Don't waste it.

Let him buy his own house for himself and his DC. He seems stuck in the rental bubble - don't become part of his problem. For Gods sake don't marry him, he'll be entitled to half your home.

As another poster stated - it's all about his DC - don't expect his attitude to change if he moved in with you.

Keep it separate, if its meant to last it will!

[messybun101]

Does he not have good money sense?

I wondered that too Firefly

Op seems to have finances sorted. Owns her hope and isn't willing to negotiate selling to rent.
Partner only sees renting as the next step suggesting he doesn't (and hasn't in the 5 years!!) had the money to out towards property buying

I would much rather be in op's position than partner but it doesn't give him the right to be angry or jealous that your parents are offering to improve your living situation. It changes absolutely nothing for him except he isn't getting a free house??