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DP to do DVPP - what does this mean for me / my DC?

(61 Posts)
MyPetLizard Fri 31-Jan-14 12:30:56

Hi, name changed,
My DP had been going through the court system to regain contact with his DC. He and his ex argued and threw things at each other etc. it was an unhealthy relationship. After they split SS were involved due to something one of the DC said, but they did an assessment and were satisfied there was, and never had been any risk to DC from DP. Contact never was reinstated, and this is when he began to fight through the court system. There was also one incident of the police being called after they broke up due to an argument over the phone, again, nothing came of it.
He has never been charged with or found guilty of DV.
After over a year of going through the legal process his ex submitted a statement detailing the abuse she allegedly suffered at his hands, a statement which is inconsitebt with what she told police at the time, SS at the time, CAFCASS, etc. everyone has had a different story.
It has nonetheless been decided that he ought to attend a DVPP. He has agreed because he wants to see the DC. He had a meeting with the lady from the DVPP last week and she asked if he was in a relationship, he replied that he is and she said that she would have to contact me. He has given her my details and I'm waiting to hear from her.
Does anyone know what this means for me? What about my DC? I have DC, and DP doesn't live with us. DC adore him and are very close to him, and he adores them too. DP has never treated me as anything other than an equal, is respectful of me and treats me with kindness and love. My previous partner was abusive, and looking back the signs were there from the start, jealously, possessiveness, etc. DP is nothing like that, and despite the fact that many of you will say I should leave him, I believe him when he tells me that he is not an abusive man.

mcmooncup Fri 31-Jan-14 15:55:57

OP, why did you come on here if you KNOW he's so fine?

basgetti Fri 31-Jan-14 16:06:11

OP if your DCs are your primary concern, why have you allowed them to have become so involved with your boyfriend that they already 'adore' him, when you have only been together 9 months and there are issues surrounding DV and contact with his own children?

DanceParty Fri 31-Jan-14 16:26:34

I couldn't get involved with somebody with all that baggage/drama/red flaggage when I have DCs.

But we are not being asked by YOU, are we MyChild.

I hate it when people say things like that - it is as though you are looking down on the OP.

MyPetLizard Fri 31-Jan-14 16:32:35

basgetti my children already knew him as we have been friends since primary school. Also, I don't believe that introducing my kids to my partner means that they are not my primary concern.

basgetti Fri 31-Jan-14 16:37:04

Well you wouldn't have needed to start a thread concerned about potential SS involvement if you hadn't exposed them to him so early on in your relationship would you?

AmazingJumper Fri 31-Jan-14 16:43:32

Basgetti That's a bit of a weird comment - she's said they already knew him.

basgetti Fri 31-Jan-14 16:46:21

Yes they already knew him. I'm sure lots of people know him. But the DCs now know him in the context of a relationship hence the concern.

GarlicReturns Fri 31-Jan-14 16:55:05

May I ask, OP, how he and his ex split? Did she leave initially, with the kids, or did he? Is he paying child support?

It's encouraging that he's learned to take time out when angry. Ideally he would go much further than this, though. Does he speak negatively about his ex, and about other women, even in a joking sort of way? How's his driving behaviour?

JenBehavingBadly Fri 31-Jan-14 17:02:27

Oh god I was in your shoes once. Lovely DP, his poor psycho ex. All lovely and wonderful.


Maybe he has changed his spots, but god I'd be running a mile with that load of baggage he's got.

mcmooncup Fri 31-Jan-14 17:10:37

After one abusive relationship already, knowing what harm can potentially occur, there is just no need to even contemplate the clear risk associated with this man.

There is something deep rooted in you wanting to have a happy ending with an abusive man. And I can bet my bottom dollar you have not provided all the details of what he was accused of on this thread.

MyPetLizard Fri 31-Jan-14 17:12:09

She left him for another man.
He doesn't speak badly of his ex at all. He thought the world of her and says she's an amazing mum. He says they both changed a lot during their time together and grew apart and they should have split sooner. He pays maintenance and always has, without fail. He doesn't speak negatively about women.
It's not so much that he takes time out when angry, because its not just when he is angry, he feels (as do I) that taking time to actually think about any dispute, even if its not a huge thing that's made him, me or anyone else, angry means that when you come back to talk about it you can resolve it more constructively.
He doesn't paint her as a psycho, and I'm sure she's not.
Some people are just badly suited to one another.

AnyFucker Fri 31-Jan-14 17:28:44

I can't understand why a man with such healthy ways of dealing with conflict as you paint him here would be ordered by a family court to complete a domestic violence perpetrators course.

he has you fooled, OP. You will learn this the hard way I think.

Schmoozer Fri 31-Jan-14 17:36:23

Wow OP, he sounds amazing !
actually it looks like you massively backpedalling now ....
If he really is peachy clean then you have NOTHING to fear re ss involvement, your kids, his kids etc etc ....
So if he's all good, dont worry !!
However, if you are honest to yourself ask yourself why is it that you have had previous abusive relationship, and now in a relationship that has been described a abusive by the ex ????
Nothing predicts behaviour as well as past behaviour ....
I fear in this scenario this applies to you - victim
Him - perpetrator.
Time will tell,
In the meantime, I hope SS DO keep an eye on your kids wellbeing.

MyPetLizard Fri 31-Jan-14 17:40:01

How am I back pedalling?

MyChildDoesntNeedSleep Fri 31-Jan-14 17:42:08

DanceParty errm, the OP asked for opinions on what it means for her DCs. I told her how I felt about it as someone with my own DCs. You seem a bit touchy confused.

MyChildDoesntNeedSleep Fri 31-Jan-14 17:46:10

OP, it sounds a bit strange that his ex has lied, accused him falsely of abuse and prevented contact with his kids when he's done nothing wrong, and yet he describes her as an amazing mum.

Pan Fri 31-Jan-14 17:47:00

I'm a bit confused by this DVPP group being 'ordered' by a civil court. Who is it that actually runs it?

I ask as the woman who will contact you will be a "Womens Safety Worker" and they have a role to play where there has been a conviction and sentence in a criminal court. Are you absolutely sure he wasn't convicted? The WSW will ensure you know all of the details.

Schmoozer Fri 31-Jan-14 17:49:46

Schmoozer Fri 31-Jan-14 17:51:19

Domestic Violence perpetrator Programme.
Why would a non perpetrator in SS / cafcass / courts eyes be offered a place on a course like this ?????

Pan Fri 31-Jan-14 17:56:46

thanks Schmoozer - not aware of that programme.
Still your question "why would a non-abuser be referred" stands.

Strawberrykisses Fri 31-Jan-14 18:00:32

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AmazingJumper Fri 31-Jan-14 19:19:27

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TeaOneSugar Fri 31-Jan-14 19:28:20

You might want to report that last post.

MyPetLizard Fri 31-Jan-14 19:38:20

I will be cautious, I will talk to DP over the next week about how I need to keep my DC safe, and tell him we need to step back from our relationship while he does the DVPP. I have been his friend for a long time so I will be in contact with him, but I think I will ensure we only see each other as part of a group Etc. At the end of the day if he truly is a changed person and if the relationship really wasn't abusive as has been made out then he will be understanding. If we really love each other and want to be together then 6 months, a year, whatever, shouldn't be a problem. And if we meet other people in the meantime then clearly we weren't meant to be.
Some posters have been a little harsh to me I feel, but I appreciate that you felt you had to challenge my faith in DP. I would do the same. I just find it difficult to believe a man I have known for twenty years can have fooled me the whole time.
I love my DC more than anything in the world and I will always protect them. My DP has never so much as raised an eyebrow to them, but he will understand why I need to take time to ensure that they are growing up safely.

mcmooncup Fri 31-Jan-14 19:56:21

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

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