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Partner slapped my arse in public during an argument

(333 Posts)
bagpuss90 Tue 03-Dec-19 00:35:36

Firstly I can’t stress enough he isn’t a violent aggressive partner . He has never laid a finger on me . He is very kind and gentle . We had a silly argument when we were out tonight and he slapped my arse . It wasn’t a playful slap -it was more like what we used to give a naughty child. He wasn’t drunk -we’d had a glass of wine each with our meal . I let it go-I was quite shocked tbh but I’m now home sat in bed ( we don’t live together) and I’m thinking he crossed a massive line . I don’t know if anyone else saw him do it. I bloody hope not. The fact it was in public makes it worse .Do I let it go or do I pull him on it big time tomorrow ?

bagpuss90 Tue 03-Dec-19 00:55:42

I’m just not sure if I’m over reacting

littleorangecat22 Tue 03-Dec-19 00:56:53

I'd have been asking him immediately what the hell he thought he was doing! He smacked you like a child?! What did he do after that? So weird.

managedmis Tue 03-Dec-19 00:59:07

How? Like, as you were walking? Or did he spin you around?

DramaAlpaca Tue 03-Dec-19 01:04:55

You aren't overreacting. I wouldn't have liked that at all, I'd have found it humiliating. I think I'd have challenged it on the spot, but I can understand why you let it go at the time, as you felt shocked that he'd done it & didn't want to potentially cause a scene in public. Tomorrow I'd be pulling him up on it, telling him how it made you feel & making it very clear that it was inappropriate. Because it was.

Cocomobile Tue 03-Dec-19 01:07:22

Nope, yanbu. How would he feel if you had done that to him?

T0tallyFuckedUpFamily Tue 03-Dec-19 01:11:00

He’s be my ex partner, because if that was fine in anger out in public, I’d be concerned about what he’d be capable of in private.

Imallatsea Tue 03-Dec-19 01:12:42

Ugh. Bin him. That's so disrespectful.

DioneTheDiabolist Tue 03-Dec-19 01:19:16

You are not over-reacting OP.shock One of my Exs did this to me (I was waiting at a bar for him to arrive, so not an argument or anything like that and it wasnt at all hard) and I nearly punched him in the face.angry

Do I let it go or do I pull him on it big time tomorrow ?
If I were you, I would just dump his fucking arse. He has demonstrated that he believes it's ok to assault you in public because...
...because he can.

AcrossthePond55 Tue 03-Dec-19 01:19:20

Nope. You can't let this one go. Putting hands on someone in anger is NEVER acceptable. Not even once!

How long have you been together? Has he shown signs of a temper before? Not necessarily at you, but at inanimate objects that aren't cooperating (or get lost) at other drivers or people doing things he thinks they shouldn't, even something on TV. And I don't mean that he screams right at other people, I'm talking about 'hissy fits' when things don't work right, shouting/cursing to himself, or 'road rage'.

Abusive people can be very good at hiding their abusive tendencies for quite some time. And if the 'cracks' in the veneer aren't aimed at us we often don't realize what those cracks can mean until it's too late. I speak from hard experience.

Creepster Tue 03-Dec-19 01:22:20

Nope! You don't get over it or get it back after that.
He is showing you who he is. Believe him.

SandAndSea Tue 03-Dec-19 01:36:32

So, he hit you in public and it wasn't playful, it was in the context of a row. And, he hit you like you were a naughty child.

At best, this sounds weird, inappropriate and humiliating.

Was he trying to be funny and it went wrong?? (I'm clutching at straws.) I can't see how this can be OK.

Sorry. flowers

CardsforKittens Tue 03-Dec-19 02:15:27

A ‘friend’ did that to me about 25 years ago. Haven’t spoken to him since. It crosses a line.

Bluerussian Tue 03-Dec-19 02:58:53

I hope you tell him straight how totally inappropriate (bad actually), it was of him to slap your backside. As he doesn't have form for that sort of thing it must have been quite a shock. However he does need to apologise and, maybe, explain - if he has an explanation and, frankly, I can't imagine what. After which you can consider whether or not you are prepared to carry on with him.

It really was an awful thing to do.

kateandme Tue 03-Dec-19 04:33:05

im struggling to know what to reply simply because i cant imagine how this would happen.he smacked your bum like a child?i just cant picture it

BeingATwatItsABingThing Tue 03-Dec-19 04:48:37

Another one here struggling to picture how this happened but I would be just as angry about it as you. Definitely bring it up tomorrow and I would decide whether or not to end it based on his reaction. If it then happened again, he’d be out.

Sandals19 Tue 03-Dec-19 05:04:17

Very telling indeed about how he really views you (and probably women in general).

NearlyGranny Tue 03-Dec-19 05:14:37

He has never laid a finger on you - until now. So sorry you're facing this shock, OP. Sometimes a person's reaction is to freeze and do nothing and this seems to have been your response. You're clearly ashamed of him because you hope nobody saw.

Firstly, yes, he has crossed a line. He hit you in anger. That was assault and probably ABH too. That doesn't mean you were injured, just that he made contact. He was 100% in the wrong here. You have some decisions to make about what you want to do and how you handle the changes his action introduces to the relationship.

You have seen a side to him you didn't know existed. Do resist the temptation to focus on him, his motivation, his feelings etc. Focus on yourself, your feelings, your plans and hopes. It doesn't matter why he did it, really, does it? Nothing could justify it or make it alright for him to hit you.

Sadly, most people who hit or assault a partner won't stop at one incident. It's sad too that incidents almost always escalate. If there are no consequences (except, presumably, you shutting up!) he will have no reason not to do it again, will he?

I think the two of you definitely need to discuss what happened with you taking the lead and expressing your refusal to be assaulted. Whatever your normal routine is and whatever he may expect, I suggest you stop all contact and let him contact you if he chooses to. Think hard what you want because you are clearly in deal-breaker territory here.

If he scoffs and minimises what he did, calling you ridiculous or oversensitive or lacking a sense of humour and passing it off as a joke or 'just a tap', your best course would be to end it right there. We call people who think and act like that entitled abusers. There is little chance of changing him and every chance it will get worse.

If he does that in public, what might he do behind closed doors?

And please don't listen to anger management suggestions. He was managing his anger alright, to control you!

Good luck,

mathanxiety Tue 03-Dec-19 06:07:43

Firstly I can’t stress enough he isn’t a violent aggressive partner . He has never laid a finger on me . He is very kind and gentle

There is always a first time for everything.

GertrudeCB Tue 03-Dec-19 06:11:05

He has crossed a line.

TheWinterCaillech Tue 03-Dec-19 06:21:15

It’s worrying that you seem to be more bothered about whether others saw you being hit than the actual blow. It’s one of the key points that empower abusers, the sense of shame they engender in the abused.
He hit you during an argument. Not a playful swat on the bum, not a consensual slap as part of a relationship.
Dump him, and tell him why.

Hepsibar Tue 03-Dec-19 06:25:16

Agree with all the messages which say "It is not ok and advise you speaking up about it." You can then judge whether he understands this is never to happen in the future and you are prepared to forgive (but not forget) this one occasion ... or whether he laughs it off, makes you feel silly for mentioning it ... ... in which case, you need to think whether this is someone you want to stay with.

Vanhi Tue 03-Dec-19 06:47:46

How long have you been with him OP? If you talk to him and tell him how bad this is, he'll behave for a little bit longer. This side of him will come out again though, once you're living together or worse, when you're pregnant.

I'd end it. I wouldn't tell him why though as it will just mean he learns more about how to fool the next girlfriend.

CodenameVillanelle Tue 03-Dec-19 06:49:49

There's always a first time to be hit unfortunately and you just experienced yours. Please don't sweep it under the carpet.

sue51 Tue 03-Dec-19 06:52:39

He hit you in public. I would end this now.

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