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Original poster

Partner slapped my arse in public during an argument

333 replies

bagpuss90 · 03/12/2019 00:35

Firstly I can’t stress enough he isn’t a violent aggressive partner . He has never laid a finger on me . He is very kind and gentle . We had a silly argument when we were out tonight and he slapped my arse . It wasn’t a playful slap -it was more like what we used to give a naughty child. He wasn’t drunk -we’d had a glass of wine each with our meal . I let it go-I was quite shocked tbh but I’m now home sat in bed ( we don’t live together) and I’m thinking he crossed a massive line . I don’t know if anyone else saw him do it. I bloody hope not. The fact it was in public makes it worse .Do I let it go or do I pull him on it big time tomorrow ?

OP posts:
Cam77 · 03/12/2019 08:37

Taking it all into account, can you imagine the possibility of finding a kinder, better person as a partner? If yes, then end it now. If not, then you can discuss what and happened and why and see if you believe that he can control his violent impulses in future. Risky.

Illberidingshotgun · 03/12/2019 08:40

Well he is a violent and aggressive partner now, and he has laid a finger on you. He was angry with you, and felt the need to assault you as a "chastisement".

If he had slapped your bum trying to be flirty, then that's one thing. Many people like that (I do) but if you don't then this should be communicated immediately, and any decent partner would not do it again.

However this was not a flirty, playful interaction. He hit you because he was angry. He's done it once, and believe me, he WILL do it again at some point. Many abusive people can hide their true colours for many years, but once the mask starts slipping, it doesn't stop.

ThinkIamflyingundertheradar · 03/12/2019 08:40

As other people have said - this was the first time. It was a test slap. If you accept it and stay with him there will be a second time and a third and it will escalate from a slap on the bum in public to a lot more in private.

CanIHaveADrink · 03/12/2019 08:40

You are not a dram lala.
This is unacceptable. Don’t fall for it. If you dint leave and by default have ‘forgiven him’, this will happen again. Maybe not a slap. But something else where he will push boundaries again and again.

BertieBotts · 03/12/2019 08:47

On some level, he thinks he's above you.

When you say he is respectful of women, does that mean that he has slightly old-fashioned views in line with chivalry ie women need to be treated in a special way, rather than just treating women as he would men?

Zaphodsotherhead · 03/12/2019 08:51

I'm torn between 'dump his arse' and 'ring him now and ask him what the hell he was playing at'.

Did you talk to him at the time? Or was there a moody silence until you parted company? Did he say anything about why he did it or what was going through his mind? Because if he just lashed out angrily - well, that's the deal breaker. That is how he will treat his potential children.

saraclara · 03/12/2019 08:59

Did anyone see it? What did they say?

that wasn’t ok, I need some space to think things through. Please don’t contact me. I’ll be in touch in a few days”

That would be my starting point. Just to get my head straight. But ultimately I suspect that it would turn into a permanent state of affairs.

eddielizzard · 03/12/2019 09:00

Have you had arguments before?

TheRobinIsBobbingAlong · 03/12/2019 09:02

Did you see this man as a potential long term partner and father of any future children OP? Because if he feels he can get away with slapping you, I wonder how he would discipline any children?

This would be a walk away moment for me.

MadameOvary · 03/12/2019 09:04

Unless he was immediately mortified and apologised, I'd be treating this as a massive red flag. He felt ENTITLED to do it. He thinks it's ok, not a big deal, maybe "just a playful slap"

It's not ok
It iS a big deal.
It was aggressive and abusive.

You don't live together, that's good. You can dump him and stop worrying about his behaviour escalating. And it will.

Tobermory · 03/12/2019 09:17

I’d agree with others that this is not ok. It must have been very shocking , a slap from nowhere.

@bagpuss90, would you have hesitations if the slap had not been to your face? Is part of the problem in that it’s a slap on the bum which could be flirtatious? If it was to another part of you Would that have made it clearer that it was not ok?

You have to do something about it today, you can’t just carry on as if nothing happened. He hit you. He’s an adult ‘who’s not aggressive’ but be hit you.

Sandals19 · 03/12/2019 09:18

Did you see this man as a potential long term partner and father of any future children OP? Because if he feels he can get away with slapping you, I wonder how he would discipline any children?

I was thinking about that too. If he thinks it's ok to hit his partner hard on the arse, what's he going to think is ok to do to his kids? Wouldn't fancy monitoring and trying to police that, he'll be alone with them sooner or later (and kids seriously seriously test your temper and patience).

Catsandchardonnay · 03/12/2019 09:21

Why are you thinking of letting it go? Are you afraid of his reaction if you raise it? Or are you worried it’s not a big deal because you’ve been conditioned to think like that?

It is a big deal. It’s a massive red flag. You definitely need to have it out with him. If he minimises it, dump him. If he’s really apologetic, you need to then have a think about whether to continue the relationship or not.

0SometimesIWonder · 03/12/2019 09:21

@bagpuss90
When did it become ok for a person to hit another person ? Because that is what it was; if a stranger walked up to you in the street and hit you would you "let it go" because you don't want to be a Drama Queen ?
No ? So why is it not so bad when it's your partner who hit you ?

busybarbara · 03/12/2019 09:23

He is not respectful of women - he hit you. This is never acceptable.

Agreed, you need to end it. If he could hit you I’d also be worrying about future children or pets if he has a violent streak. There are too many good men out there to stay with a violent abuser.

Themyscira · 03/12/2019 09:24

It took 20 years for my ex to reveal his true character and hit me.

Your partner has shown you who he really is.

Courtney555 · 03/12/2019 09:26

What was the context here? As in, if he slapped you on the arse, was he behind you and struck you so you didn't see it coming? Did he say anything as he did it? Did he lean past you and do it?

I see it as mostly connected with two things, as you've said, it's what parents used to do to reprimand a naughty child, or if done in a lighter more playful way, something that couples do to each other in a humourous way.

What happened immediately afterwards? Whatever is he playing at?

averylongtimeago · 03/12/2019 09:29

I take it this is your ex?

When someone shows you what they are like, listen.

Think of it as a lucky escape- plenty more nice men out there.

Boom45 · 03/12/2019 09:30

Before you speak to him or make any decisions remember this is never a one off. Ever.

Longfacenow · 03/12/2019 09:32

I can't picture if he was walking behind you and slapped you as a playful admonishment or walked towards you and angrily slapped you. It makes a difference doesn't it.

Unless it was the former I think you have to see this as assault not just a line. Sorry OP that is awful.

NellieEllie · 03/12/2019 09:39

This is really weird behaviour. A slap on the arse that is meant as a joke is offensive enough, but all too common. A slap on the arse in anger is just weird. I was thinking about it. All I can come up with is that it could be perceived as less obvious that a slap round the face - given you were in public. It speaks VOLUMES about how he sees you. It is a humiliating “punishment” possibly with sexual overtones - he did it in anger, so almost reflexively. At the least alarming, he sees you as a child who he can chastise.
I think this guy has issues.
DONT let him get away with it.
Don’t see him or contact for a few days so you get straight in your head that this is not on, that this is not the action of a normal person having an argument. Nothing he can say excuses it. It is irrelevant what the argument was, even if you were being utterly unreasonable, it is irrelevant. If you don’t want to finish with him, see what he says after that time. I would just think this was too weird and too indicative of all kinds of stuff to continue personally.
If you do continue the relationship, be clear. This cannot ever happen again.

MrsCBY · 03/12/2019 09:40

He’s definitely crossed a line, and you’re not in any way being a drama queen. He has shown you very clearly that he doesn’t respect you/women in general the way you thought he did.

No wonder you’re still struggling with it. It’s a massive shock, after four years, to have a huge, massive, enormous red flag like this. Your instinct not to let this go is absolutely the right one, hard as it is to have to completely reevaluate a relationship you thought was solid.

Very lucky that you don’t live together.

Tana433 · 03/12/2019 09:42

When someone shows you who they are........believe them. This is not right and i think you know it isnt.

user1470132907 · 03/12/2019 09:45

I’d be raging. A long time ago, a friend slapped my face to get me to ‘calm down’ when we were having an argument during a night out. It wasn’t about anything major and neither of us had had that much to drink. She was from a household growing up where smacking was the norm and was done in a very controlled way - kids would actually come and lie down and await their designated number of smacks! I was outraged not that a friend had hit me so much as she had ‘disciplined’ me like a naughty child - so condescending.

I personally don’t think this is necessarily the start of physically violent domestic abuse (although couldn’t be sure obvs) but it’s a weird reflex reaction to have to a grown woman who is supposed to be your equal. I would be grilling him on why he did it and why he thought it was okay, and take it from there.

SpiderCharlotte · 03/12/2019 09:46

No, OP, this is not OK.

If you're together after 4 years I'm assuming you love this man, so this will be tough for you, but he hit you in anger. That's the action he chose so I think you need to choose yours very carefully. I know what I would do.