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AIBU?

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Original poster

Partner slapped my arse in public during an argument

333 replies

bagpuss90 · 03/12/2019 00:35

Firstly I can’t stress enough he isn’t a violent aggressive partner . He has never laid a finger on me . He is very kind and gentle . We had a silly argument when we were out tonight and he slapped my arse . It wasn’t a playful slap -it was more like what we used to give a naughty child. He wasn’t drunk -we’d had a glass of wine each with our meal . I let it go-I was quite shocked tbh but I’m now home sat in bed ( we don’t live together) and I’m thinking he crossed a massive line . I don’t know if anyone else saw him do it. I bloody hope not. The fact it was in public makes it worse .Do I let it go or do I pull him on it big time tomorrow ?

OP posts:
Wereallsquare · 07/12/2019 16:18

@bagpuss90 I have had to deal with the fallout from DV. It started EXACTLY like this. EXACTLY. EXACTLY. And it ended in death and ruination from which there is no recovery. There are other men out there who will never humiliate you or make you doubt yourself. 'Four years, a future together' sunk cost fallacy. You are not confused you are trying to convince yourself his violence can be explained away. 'I'm so confused' -- about what? Reality is staring you in the face. You are a clever, independent woman who deserves a decent bloke. Act like you value yourself.

FizzyGreenWater · 07/12/2019 16:21

I didnt do it and how could you think that of me therefore I am the victim now

Yes, exactly.

I hope that what last night has done is confirm what OP knows in her heart. This guy isn't a keeper.

Wheresthebeach · 07/12/2019 16:49

OP - If you stay it will get worse.

When her progresses to a punch in the face it will all be your fault, as he'll say he's never been driven to punch a woman before.

Please please listen to your instincts and everyone here warning you. He's gaslighting you, making you feel like you're losing your mind, don't know which way is up. Its all what they do. You aren't imagining it, you aren't exaggerating it.

Your instincts are trying to keep you safe. Listen to that message, not his games.

billy1966 · 07/12/2019 16:54

Well Christ, if ever there was the slightest bit of doubt that this could have been a huge out of character mistake is absolutely gone.

Your boyfriend is a calculated abuser who has assaulted you for the first time.

I understand this must be very difficult to acknowledge and accept.

But it is the truth.

And your gut knows it.

Your gut is just waiting for your head and emotions to accept this new reality.

So sorry OP.💐

RockinHippy · 07/12/2019 17:02

Well we met last night. He insists it was a playful slap. Said he can’t believe I’d think he’d ever hit a woman . I’m not 100% convinced . I simply just don’t know. I feel like I’m going mad

It's called Gaslighting. He's proving himself to be an abusive twat.

You deserve way better & it will get worse as you give him permission & show yourself as vulnerable when you accept this shit.

Be grateful you are not living with him & detangling yourself is easier.

Sandals19 · 07/12/2019 17:29

Well he did hit a woman; he hit you hard on the ass during/immediately after an argument. Not while "playing".

So not sure why he can't believe you believe he would.

All the hands up "I can't believe you think I'd do that!" pretend offence/indignation is manipulative and deceitful.

Sandals19 · 07/12/2019 17:31

Probably in his head "hitting a woman" is punching her above the waist.

He still hit you in anger/punishment.

Mummyshark2019 · 07/12/2019 17:42

Leave him. Run for the hills. Be thankful you're not married or have children with this dick - moving on won't be that hard. He is manipulative.

poorstudent1010 · 07/12/2019 21:46

Trust in your instincts - something isn’t quite sitting right with this man, right?

OP, to set your expectations, any of the people I have dated would immediately apologise sincerely if this ever happened. If any of my exes even accidentally hit me whilst play fighting etc they would profusely apologise & make sure I was alright; they wouldn’t make excuses or try and make me feel guilty in return, like your scummy boyfriend. His reaction to the discussion wasn’t that of a gent, he completely wrote off your feelings.

I have had many heated arguments in relationships but it has never escalated to getting physical. It wasn’t playful banter at all, you know he was angry in that moment. As a couple who are intimate, I’m sure you can tell the difference between a playful bum caress and an angry slap, which is why you have doubts.

Trust your instincts.

MutedUser · 07/12/2019 21:50

Sorry OP that would be the deal breaker for me. Crosses a line that can’t be taken back. I hope you are ok .

mathanxiety · 08/12/2019 00:51

All narcissists demand that you judge them by their intentions, not by their actual behaviour.

They will go so far as to rewrite history to fit their own version of their characters. For example: "I would never hit a woman, so you must be completely mistaken, and actually you have really hurt me by your accusation'.

In their heads their intentions are always pure and unimpeachable. They need this narrative because they have to always be in the right. They cannot accept anyone else's reality. Anyone disputing their version of events, judging them by their actions instead of their necessary narrative they will treat as someone actually attacking them.

Nothing will make a dent in their certainty about what happened or their certainty about your malignant motivation. You turn into The Enemy as soon as you start to tell your truth and expect accountability to you for something they did to you. Their completely irrational narrative about events will do your head in (as you are now experiencing).

This is what has happened here, @bagpuss90 .

powershowerforanhour · 08/12/2019 01:24

Charles Saatchi said dismissed his grabbing Nigella Lawson by the throat during an argument in public and twisting her nose (dominance; humiliation) as a "playful tiff".
She divorced him.
By the sounds of it their marriage was on the skids anyway but some food for thought.

Booboostwo · 08/12/2019 07:03

If you decide to stay with him do not commit any further in the relationship so you can get out easily the next time he hits you. No cohabiting, no shared bank accounts, keep your job and use double contraception.

Powerbunting · 08/12/2019 07:13

Said he can’t believe I’d think he’d ever hit a woman

Of course you believe it. It happened. He hit a woman (you). Read your op. You knew it wasnt playful. You know he hit you.

Who gives a playful/flirtatious slap in the middle of an argument? And if you have done something playfully that has hurt another person you apologise, you don't lash out further more verbally to make them feel bad about being hurt.

KatherineJaneway · 08/12/2019 07:31

He insists it was a playful slap.

While having an argument? Do me a favour. He's gas lighting you, you need to end this relationship now.

Ihavethefinalsleigh · 08/12/2019 07:35

Run for the hills @bagpuss90 💐

Illberidingshotgun · 08/12/2019 07:55

I'd actually have more respect for him if he actually acknowledged, and was apologetic for the fact that he hit you in anger. However what he's doing now is further abuse, as PPs have mentioned he is gaslighting you, making you doubt yourself and your recollection. He's not just a physically abusive person, he's emotionally abusive. Please, please end this now, you deserve so much more.

KatherineJaneway · 08/12/2019 13:58

@bagpuss90

So will you see him again and continue the relationship or walk away?

Tvstar · 08/12/2019 15:37

I have never heard of a man slapping his wife's bum other than a jokey or sexual way. What makes you think he wasn't joking?

richteasandcheese · 08/12/2019 16:14

Tvstar, have you read the thread?

Hope you've had a good weekend OP

messolini9 · 08/12/2019 17:34

I have never heard of a man slapping his wife's bum other than a jokey or sexual way.
And now you have, @Tvstar.
HTH.

What makes you think he wasn't joking?
The reliable observational data conveyed to her by her own senses.

Tvstar · 08/12/2019 17:37

But it's a question of perception not fact

Lunde · 08/12/2019 17:37

@Tvstar - perhaps you could RTFT! Hmm

OP says it was a hard hit in the middle of an argument. He turned back specifically to hit her and it hurt her.

Her partner is now denying that it ever happened and is gaslighting her

In what way does that sound "jokey"

ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 08/12/2019 17:41

You are a woman. He hit you.
That is fact.
Therefore, he does hit women.

Leave the gaslighting twunt before he does it again. The taboo has been broken, he has hit you in anger, it will be easier for him to do it next time.

messolini9 · 08/12/2019 17:59

But it's a question of perception not fact

Best get checking your own perception then TV.

The couple were arguing.
OP turned & walked away.
Her DP actively chose to follow her, & slapped her 'hard' with an 'angry look' on his face.

If it were a joke, or a misplaced one-off, he would be apologising for it. As any decent person would apologise for a misplaced action which has upset another person.
Instead, he has denied it, & is attempting to blame the OP for "believing" he could hit a woman. Which clearly, she can, because clearly, he did.