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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Partner slapped my arse in public during an argument

333 replies

bagpuss90 · 03/12/2019 00:35

Firstly I can’t stress enough he isn’t a violent aggressive partner . He has never laid a finger on me . He is very kind and gentle . We had a silly argument when we were out tonight and he slapped my arse . It wasn’t a playful slap -it was more like what we used to give a naughty child. He wasn’t drunk -we’d had a glass of wine each with our meal . I let it go-I was quite shocked tbh but I’m now home sat in bed ( we don’t live together) and I’m thinking he crossed a massive line . I don’t know if anyone else saw him do it. I bloody hope not. The fact it was in public makes it worse .Do I let it go or do I pull him on it big time tomorrow ?

OP posts:
LittleMissMarker · 03/12/2019 14:11

I’m so confused . I didn’t mis read it -it wasn’t done in jest. I have no idea where to go from here.

It really sounds as if your judgment and instincts are already telling you what to do, but it's a shock and you have a lot invested in the relationship so you need time.

One thing that might help you focus a bit - think back to the last couple of times he and you disagreed over something. How did that go? He's been thoughtful, kind, caring, gentle... but what happens when you disagree with him? Maybe he doesn't do disagreement. You don't live together and you don't have children together so most stresses have come from outside the relationship not inside.... maybe you just haven't faced the things that test a relationship. And this is a sign of how he's going to react when you do.

TheProdigalKittensReturn · 03/12/2019 14:11

Funny, I've never smacked a partner on the arse because I was "stressed". Are men pressure cookers that just have to let off some steam via acts of violence? Honestly, listen to yourself.

Powerbunting · 03/12/2019 14:18

Maybe he is stressed. So what?

He finds a punch bag. He doesn't hit another person. It isn't her responsibility to help him learn how to manage his stress. He is an adult. He chose to hit her

MissDew · 03/12/2019 14:21

He's either abusing or parenting you.

He has no respect for you on an adult level. Sorry, but it's time you ditched him.

Wrybread · 03/12/2019 14:21

Ok, so you don't have to see him today. Your really don't. You can text and say you can't make it. Then block his number for the night and give yourself some time to think.

Really though, I think you can see that he's abusive. The trouble is that you probably just want it all to be a big mistake, because you really like the person he was pretending to be until now.

Abusers can hide their abuse for years. Although often there are small signs that you can see looking back, often we ignite then it evolving then away at the time because we naturally want to see the best in our dp.

If you raise it with him he's likely to take one of a few different approaches:

  1. Minimising - telling you it wasn't that bad/hard and that you're making a mountain out of a molehill. Or something similar where you end up feeling like you're making a fuss.

  2. Gas lighting - saying he doesn't remember doing that, or even that it didn't happen that way.

  3. Blaming you - that you just got him so mad, or that you didn't say anything at the time so it couldn't have been that bad; so why are you bringing it all up now? Or something else that makes you feel like you're the one getting at him.

The big question to ask yourself is:

If a random man got into an argument with you on the street, and then did that, would you be ok with it? If not, why would you accept it from someone who's supposed to care for you?

AtrociousCircumstance · 03/12/2019 14:22

OP at the very least say you’re not meeting him tonight because he hit you and you need some thinking time.

If that scares or worries you - being honest with him about this - then ask yourself why.

Protect yourself and your self-respect. He transgressed. He physically ‘punished’ you. Its abuse.

Wrybread · 03/12/2019 14:24

Ack sorry about my autocorrect mistakes!

Often we want to see the best in our dp and want to ignore things that don't match up to the person we want them to be

SummerPavillion · 03/12/2019 14:36

Often we want to see the best in our dp and want to ignore things that don't match up to the person we want them to be

Never a truer word spoken!

Alicenwonderland · 03/12/2019 14:38

I agree with everyone else. In the year we dated prior to moving in together there was never a cross word between my ex and I, as soon as we moved in together the bossy, controlling behaviour started, it took 8 years before he hit me. Women stay because it's gradual, there's a long, subtle campaign of boundary testing, pushing you, gaslighting. You've been together quite a while but it's easy for him to hide his true self if you don't live together. I'd see this as the massive red flag that it is and end it. Don't give him chance to explain or make excuses, seriously, what justification can there possibly be for smacking your bum in anger in public!!!

ShiverMeTimbersMatey · 03/12/2019 14:40

Its not just you - now you know how he would treat any children you have, as soon as they cross him he'll smack them back into line.

Cotswolds10 · 03/12/2019 14:44

To all the people saying OP just needs to make it clear that it’s unacceptable/it was stress etc, would you say the same if he’s slapped her full in the face? Because, frankly, I can’t see any difference.

Lizzie0869 · 03/12/2019 15:00

ShiverMeTimbersMatey that's true enough. If he can't cope with stress caused by an argument with his girlfriend, how would he cope when he has DC, once they learn to backchat him??

Whatisthisfuckery · 03/12/2019 15:02

OP, the problem is, there’s been a first time now, and if he gets away with it then what’s to stop him from thinking you’ll put up with it? Then if he ever does it again it’ll be a second time, and then you’ll be one of the women who comes on here saying ‘he hit me once before, but it wasn’t hard and I didn’t think he’d do it again.’

When I was much younger I slapped my XH. It wasn’t hard, just a cuff round the head, but I definitely meant to do it. I was immediately horrified at what I’d done and apologised straight away. It was completely unacceptable and I realised the second I’d done it. I swore never to do it again and I didn’t.

My XH however was violent towards me several times but he never said sorry. He always did it in anger and he always meant it. He was only sorry the second or third or fourth time, I can’t even remember, when I’d had enough and was packing a bag. He cried and apologise and swore never to do it again. He did do it again, and again he wasn’t sorry until I started packing again. I didn’t walk, because I didn’t want to throw away my marriage and I was worried about what other people would say. I didn’t want to be the 20 something who was already divorced. He’d always do it again, and in the end he was never sorry because he knew there were no consequences.

I understand this is difficult, and you don’t want to throw away a perfectly good relationship. I think the fact that he hasn’t apologised yet is worrying. If he’d been immediately mortified at what he’d done, or was sending you apologetic messages first thing this morning then maybe I’d think it was a silly mistake, after all we all make them. But he hasn’t done that, and the fact that he hasn’t tells you he doesn’t really see it as a problem. He’s probably not even thought about it since he did it. He did it though, and he meant to do it, and it wasn’t intended as a joke because you weren’t messing around, and you aren’t laughing.

Many posters are telling you to LTB, and honestly I think the same, although I realise it’s rarely as straight forward as that, but you really should think very carefully about what’s happened. There’s been a first time now, and he doesn’t seem perturbed by it. If it happens again, and there’s nothing, including him to say there won’t be, it won’t be the first time it’ll be the second and you’ll have already stayed with him once.

Please don’t minimise this. You’re not being a drama queen. Ther person who is supposed to love you hit you in anger. It doesn’t matter that it wasn’t hard, because next time he might be angrier and less in control, and chances are he won’t have the fact that’s it’s in public to consider. He hit you, in anger, and he did it in a public place. That is not the sign of a partner who can or will control themselves.

poorstudent1010 · 03/12/2019 15:09

Slaps on the bum are either playful or sexual. In the context of having a heated argument, it’s weird and doesn’t make sense that he was being playful or sexual, especially if he doesn’t normally do this. It was either aggressive in the heat of the argument (eg an actual slap) or him trying to take control of you/the situation.

I’m not saying to immediately need to divorce him and cut him off, but he needs to apologise and this shouldn’t be swept under the rug. Don’t let him give you the playful/sexual bs as an excuse, you were arguing so that doesn’t make sense at all.

NearlyGranny · 03/12/2019 15:22

'Slaps on the bum are either playful or sexual'

Who says? A slap anywhere on another's body can also be vicious or punitive or demeaning. OP says they were arguing and he was angry. Angry people are feely sexy. They aren't feeling playful. They aren't feeling mischievous. This slap was probably intended to punish or silence or control OP.

How much do you actually have invested in this man, OP? You aren't married; there is no shared home and no children or prospect of children. It will never be easier to end it than now, I suggest.

NearlyGranny · 03/12/2019 15:23

Angry people aren't feely sexy. Typos, sorry.

XJerseyGirlX · 03/12/2019 15:28

He used your bum instead of your face thinking it could be laughed off.I would tell him how its made you feel and explain that if he ever does that again your off. I see that he has been fab for 4 years so i understand why you dont want to finish it over that, but it needs discussing and NO 2nd chances if it happens again.

Lweji · 03/12/2019 15:35

You're not even living together?

Just end it. No 2nd chances.

billy1966 · 03/12/2019 15:43

OP, your boyfriend hit you in anger. End of.

Where he hit you is immaterial.

Your boyfriend hit you in anger. End of.

That should be your sole focus.

Violence is a deal breaker.
💐

poorstudent1010 · 03/12/2019 15:59

@NearlyGranny not sure why you quoted me as I literally said he slapped her in anger or to control her in my post, in fact my post is in agreement with yours

NKFell · 03/12/2019 15:59

Oh no no, you can't ignore it. It's not funny, it's violence.

With my ex it started with a nip. He just nipped my arm and I thought I couldn't end it over a nip- it would be stupid, I thought it's not violence as such, it was a tiny nip. Then he escalated to throwing things, hitting/kicking.

Don't ignore it OP. In an argument you don't put your hands on someone- it's really that simple. I lose my temper and shout etc. but I wouldn't dream of touching someone.

Whoops75 · 03/12/2019 16:08

He slapped you and then what?

Did you say wtf was that?

I wouldn’t see him tonight, you need more time to process this before he turns on the charm.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 03/12/2019 16:14

Please cancel tonight.

You don't have to say why, just say you're sick or something.

Give yourself time to have a proper think about this and what you want going forwards.

If you see him tonight, chances are it'll get brushed under the carpet. Until it happens again...

Hope you are feeling OK. Flowers

HeartZone · 03/12/2019 16:21

Please don’t see him tonight.
And I’d also say
DUMP

vivacian · 03/12/2019 16:37

I just can’t picture how this could happen. What did you say afterwards?