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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Partner slapped my arse in public during an argument

333 replies

bagpuss90 · 03/12/2019 00:35

Firstly I can’t stress enough he isn’t a violent aggressive partner . He has never laid a finger on me . He is very kind and gentle . We had a silly argument when we were out tonight and he slapped my arse . It wasn’t a playful slap -it was more like what we used to give a naughty child. He wasn’t drunk -we’d had a glass of wine each with our meal . I let it go-I was quite shocked tbh but I’m now home sat in bed ( we don’t live together) and I’m thinking he crossed a massive line . I don’t know if anyone else saw him do it. I bloody hope not. The fact it was in public makes it worse .Do I let it go or do I pull him on it big time tomorrow ?

OP posts:

user1470132907 · 03/12/2019 09:48

BTW that friend just got weirder and weirder - entitled, warped and utterly lacking in self awareness, even as we hit our 30s - and we are no longer friends.

SpiderCharlotte · 03/12/2019 09:50

Before you speak to him or make any decisions remember this is never a one off. Ever.

I agree. If you don't do anything about this, you're letting him know that what he did is fine with you. Be prepared for him to scoff and tell you you're overreacting and he didn't mean anything by it. But you know that's not true.

Dentures101 · 03/12/2019 09:51

You can't say he's not violent. You don't live together. He's showing you who he is. He did this in public. If you move in together I swear it will get worse. When someone shows you who they are believe then the first time

Andysbestadventure · 03/12/2019 09:53

Wondering how this would even play out, did he do it as you were walking ahead of him on the way out the venue?

TheProdigalKittensReturn · 03/12/2019 09:56

We had a silly argument when we were out tonight and he slapped my arse . It wasn’t a playful slap -it was more like what we used to give a naughty child.

If my partner ever made me feel like he viewed me as a naughty child, and reinforced that by hitting me, I'd be out the door so fast it would make his stupid sexist head spin.

I think the "in public" is bit of a red herring here. He shouldn't be doing this anywhere, and if he's making you feel like he feels that his position relative to yours is one where he can discipline you like you're a toddler then there is something very wrong with your relationship and his attitude towards you.

blutoo · 03/12/2019 09:59

It might just have been a spontaneous reaction done in jest. Have a sensible calm conversation with him before you take up any of the 'dump him' advice on here.

Themyscira · 03/12/2019 10:03

I think you'll find, op, that a man who feels entitled to hit his partner will be exhibiting other worrying behaviours as well. This decision doesn't happen in isolation, and for him to be comfortable assaulting you in a public place, well, he clearly has some warped views somewhere. Maybe have a look at the Freedom Programme?

For the posters on the thread who are minimising this incident - where should he have hit her before you would think it's unacceptable? Her leg? Arm? Face? Hitting is never acceptable!!!

SpiderCharlotte · 03/12/2019 10:08

It might just have been a spontaneous reaction done in jest

Didn't you read the OP's posts? @blutoo It defo wasn’t a playful slap -it was meant

She said it wasn't in jest. He meant to hit her in anger. Do you not believe her?

blutoo · 03/12/2019 10:11

It doesn't matter what I believe SpiderCharlotte.

SpiderCharlotte · 03/12/2019 10:19

@blutoo no you're right, it doesn't.

The OP says, It defo wasn’t a playful slap -it was meant. She's already stated that it wasn't 'in jest' as you suggest, so perhaps you misunderstood her posts anyway.

RockinHippy · 03/12/2019 10:30

YADNBU & that would be him out on his ear if it were me. Total disrespect.

T0tallyFuckedUpFamily · 03/12/2019 10:32

I can’t believe how many people are saying that they too would be annoyed, that OP should talk to him and then decide if he gives a good enough answer for her to stay with him! It was an ASSAULT! It doesn’t matter if it was in her arse or on her face. It doesn’t matter what his answer is, he assaulted her in anger. Do people really think that if he acts as if he’s sorry, she should stay? He’s not going to tell her that he did nothing wrong and he intends hitting her in future. That’s not how abusers work, when they first assault a woman. It’s more likely he’ll act as if he’s really sorry, blame it on drink, promises never to do it again and probably throw a few tears in too.

Get rid of him OP. NO woman deserves a man that hits her.

Lweji · 03/12/2019 10:35

Firstly I can’t stress enough he WASn’t a violent aggressive partner . He haD never laid a finger on me . He HAD BEEN very kind and gentle .

Fixed it for you.

Do I let it go or do I pull him on it big time tomorrow ?

The answer is you LET HIM GO.

This was him testing boundaries and it's only the first. Never the only.

Lweji · 03/12/2019 10:37

This is the time to be a drama queen all you like.

FizzyGreenWater · 03/12/2019 10:41

OP more fool you if you decide you're being a 'drama queen' by not taking action when your partner physically assaults you.

It doesn't matter a bar what your previous history is, or what persona he's adopted re his 'attitude' to women (hint: if his attitude was truly what it should be, this thread wouldn't exist).

There's only one good option here and that is to finish this now. The circumstances of this are particularly shocking - you should really think hard about the fact that he quite calmly, not in the middle of a mad row but when he was quite in control and he had plenty of time to consider his actions, decided to mete out a little 'punishment' to you like a disobedient child. There is no way I could get past that for a minute - my opinion of him would be in the gutter from that moment on. He deliberately tried to humiliate you in public and he hit you. That circumstance would have me not even contact him. I'd be waiting for him to make contact and then send a 'confused' message querying why he was getting in touch - 'I'm sorry, you are aware that you hit me and tried to humiliate me. Our relationship is over of course, I would have thought that would not even need saying. Don't contact me again.'

TheProdigalKittensReturn · 03/12/2019 10:52

Agreed, this is boundary testing. If he gets away with this and the relationship continues then this won't be the last time he pushes to see how much he can get away with.

The whole idea of a grown woman being punished by her partner like she's a misbehaving child is repulsive. Why would you want to be with a man who'd act like that? Even if he never hit you again that attitude isn't going away.

Straycatstrut · 03/12/2019 10:57

I had a stranger do this to me last summer, he was on a bike, pulled up behind me, then rode off after (may have been teenager who knows) but he really did SLAP. I was pushing my 1yr old in a pram at the time too. I was so shocked I just stood there like "Did that just happen?".. went inside and had a look in the mirror - big angry red handprint.

Any different because he's your partner? NO.

Line crossed. Doesn't matter where he hit.

Livingoncake · 03/12/2019 10:58

OP, I really hope you get rid. This is the tip of the iceberg. He's not going to stop at a single slap on the bum, no matter how sweet and gentle he's been acting up to now. Emphasis on the word "acting ". Abusers are good at that.

Loopytiles · 03/12/2019 10:59

“ he isn’t a violent aggressive partner . He has never laid a finger on me”

He had never been violent or aggressive, or laid a finger on you, in your relationship, until this assault.

hookiwooki · 03/12/2019 11:00

OP, you have several important things to consider here.

If, in anger, he'll go that far in public, exactly how far could he go in private? Do you really want to find out?

When someone shows you who they are, believe them. 4 minutes, 4 years, 4 decades, it doesn't matter. If they hit you once, you'll always wonder when the next one is coming. Can you live like that?

He has absolutely zero respect for you. Not only did he hit you in anger, he humiliated you. Can you be with a man who doesn't respect you?

You don't say whether you have children yet. If you don't, could you trust him with them? If you do, can you trust him with them now?

This isn't just a red flag, the sirens are fucking howling.

Personally, I'd have binned him on the spot. PP mentioned not throwing away a 4 year relationship, but it's not what I'd call a relationship. You aren't his equal, you won't be able to trust him, you'll be scared going forward. If you're in a position to run, then fucking run. If you aren't, then make sure you have an escape plan for next time.

Craftycorvid · 03/12/2019 11:02

Absolutely you need to let him know very clearly that his behaviour was unacceptable - no minimising. I’d be wanting to know what he ‘does’ with this ie pretend he doesn’t remember, re-frame as playful, acknowledge and sincerely apologise. His response should tell you whether or not to stay in this relationship. Even a flash of ‘out of character’ violence is concerning. He should feel scared that this happened at all and want to understand his behaviour so it never happens again. I would be letting him know a repeat performance means the end of your relationship.

Straycatstrut · 03/12/2019 11:05

How did you react OP?

As with my own assault I'd have been stunned and have walked away and told him to get the hell away from me. Loudly.

If he'd have slapped your face would you be considering letting it go?!

venusandmars · 03/12/2019 11:12

My exh was lovely, kind supportive for all the 5 years before we married. Ditto for the next 3 years as we settled down and had children.

However (in retrospect) that all worked easily because he was the one who was dominant, older, earned more, more powerful. I was the younger starry-eyed ingenue.

As my own career developed and I became more confident, had more of my own income, developed more of my own opinions, the balance changed. He didn't like it and then the not-so-nice side came out. Financial control, verbal abuse, sexual dominance.

Tread very carefully OP.

Drabarni · 03/12/2019 11:16

You deserve to be treated better than this. He thinks he can smack you as some sort of punishment. if you stay with him you are giving him the green light to abuse you.
It usually gets worse after kids.

Fretfulparent · 03/12/2019 11:16

www.askthe.police.uk/content/Q143.htm

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