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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Partner slapped my arse in public during an argument

333 replies

bagpuss90 · 03/12/2019 00:35

Firstly I can’t stress enough he isn’t a violent aggressive partner . He has never laid a finger on me . He is very kind and gentle . We had a silly argument when we were out tonight and he slapped my arse . It wasn’t a playful slap -it was more like what we used to give a naughty child. He wasn’t drunk -we’d had a glass of wine each with our meal . I let it go-I was quite shocked tbh but I’m now home sat in bed ( we don’t live together) and I’m thinking he crossed a massive line . I don’t know if anyone else saw him do it. I bloody hope not. The fact it was in public makes it worse .Do I let it go or do I pull him on it big time tomorrow ?

OP posts:
KatherineJaneway · 03/12/2019 07:00

The only thing I'd be doing this morning is calling him to break off the relationship. He crossed a line that is unbreakable for me.

He slaps your arse this time, will he slap or punch you in the face next time you argue?

GiveHerHellFromUs · 03/12/2019 07:03

OP the problem is that once he gets away with 'just a slap' it could go on to become just a black eye, just a broken nose or just a punctured lung.

You're feeling the way you're feeling because you know how wrong this is.

Look after yourself.

ZigZagIntoTheBlue · 03/12/2019 07:04

Are you due to see him today? Could call now and speak to him before work. I agree its completely unacceptable and I'd be worried its the start of a slippery slope - there are plenty of partners available that don't hit people! You don't have to put up with it.

fedup21 · 03/12/2019 07:06

What did you say to him at the time?

The next conversation you have with him HAS to be about this.

vivacian · 03/12/2019 07:08

What happened between last night and this morning? Do you live together?

You don’t have to be a “drama queen”. You can just say, “that wasn’t ok, I need some space to think things through. Please don’t contact me. I’ll be in touch in a few days”.

YouJustDoYou · 03/12/2019 07:08

It's not "out of character" - it was in his character all along, he's just hid it well from you until now. He wouldn't have got a 6foot5 mate of his would he? But he felt no such restrictions in hitting you because he knows full well he's stronger than you and as such there is zero fear in him of suffering back. Men like this are cowards. He's shown you what he's really capable of - believe him.

YouJustDoYou · 03/12/2019 07:09

*hit a 6foot5 mate

CalleighDoodle · 03/12/2019 07:11

The four years together means nothing. How long would you expect someone to not hit you for?

SimonJT · 03/12/2019 07:12

He purposely chose to humiliate you in public. I use the son/daughter rule, if I witnessed my son being treated that way by a partner would I be happy? If it’s a no then I shouldn’t accept it for myself either.

HandsOffMyRights · 03/12/2019 07:21

He is not respectful of women - he hit you.

This is never acceptable.

Quartz2208 · 03/12/2019 07:30

Stop seeing it as being a drama queen
He hit you in anger in a way that shows a need for dominance and power

You can’t ignore such a red flag

IHateBlueLights · 03/12/2019 07:33

He'as crossed a line and will cross it again. Dump him.

Yeahnahyeah1 · 03/12/2019 07:38

Speaking from bitter experience of escalatingly violent men, and not heeding early warnings where I should’ve, I’d leave him OP. That’s so completely inappropriate and absolutely not okay. There’s a first time for everything, and this was it. He’s shown his true colours.

Booboostwo · 03/12/2019 07:39

You are not a drama queen and stop minimizing this. He didn’t use to hit you but now he has hit you. What are you going to do about it?

WheresMyChocolate · 03/12/2019 07:49

I'm so sad for you OP, but he's shown you who he is now. Believe him.

Wrybread · 03/12/2019 07:52

OP it's not out of character, it's just part of his character that he's not shown you before. If it was out of character he would have immediately apologised, been shocked at himself and be going to get counselling.

He didn't do that did he?

I'd not only dump him, I'd phone thy police and (yes I know it's a cliché on here) log it with them, so that anyone using Clares Law in future will have a warning.

EvaHarknessRose · 03/12/2019 07:53

I think it needs talking about for you to evaluate more. 'Your go to action in an argument was to smack me like a naughty child. Why is that and what does it mean for our relationship?' Watch out for any minimising yours or his, or any turning the blame back on you. Watch how the dynamic between you subtly changes - don't walk on eggshells around him.

Auberjean · 03/12/2019 07:55

Leave him.

ARoomWithoutADoor · 03/12/2019 07:58

The son / daughter / best friend rule is a good one.

OP, trust your gut. You are NOT being 'a drama queen'

You feel bad about it because his behaviour was wrong.

I'd let him contact you.
Tell him how you feel.
Unless his reply is genuinely ashamed I'd not give a 2nd chance.

dottiedodah · 03/12/2019 08:09

I think you are hoping no one saw ,because somehow you may feel its your fault!? This is abuse ,because he made you feel ashamed and was trying to control you .I mean who does this? You have a row and he slaps you as a naughty child FFS! I think you know your answer here dont you ,without needing advice from anyone here .! Just saying though .Leave him and dont look back ,or fall for any excuses"dont know what came over me""cant believe I did that " or worse of all "It was just a silly joke" No it bloody well wasnt!

flouncyfanny · 03/12/2019 08:10

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Fannybaws52 · 03/12/2019 08:22

He crossed the line and you can't go back because now he knows he can hit you and you wont do anything.

You need to end it. Next time it wont be a skelped arse, it'll be a punch or a slap because he can.

He should consider himself very lucky you haven't reported to Police. Just because he hit your bum doesn't mean it wasnt assault.

He was punishing and humiliating you.

YouSawThePlans · 03/12/2019 08:29

It is worse because it was in public. Not because people might have seen but because it shows how brazen he was. In that moment, he thought he had the right to smack and humiliate you.

If you disagree and think no-one has the right to smack you then there's nowhere for this to go. I know it's difficult especially after so many years but if your boundary isn't this - reacting with violence in public during a 'silly' argument - then where on earth would it be?

It's noticeable that he hasn't contacted you with a grovelling apology. He's waiting to see what you'll accept.

Mollychristmas · 03/12/2019 08:29

Did you take him to the hospital after you broke his nose for him?

Quite honestly he was a pig and it depends how remorseful he is now.
I’d be quite wary looking for red flags for a while.

It really depends if you think you can get over it and it was a one off silly moment of madness. I’m not sure if end a four year relationship over it but I would be cautious.

diddl · 03/12/2019 08:37

I think the fact that it was used as an admonishment would be a deal breaker for me.