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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Partner slapped my arse in public during an argument

333 replies

bagpuss90 · 03/12/2019 00:35

Firstly I can’t stress enough he isn’t a violent aggressive partner . He has never laid a finger on me . He is very kind and gentle . We had a silly argument when we were out tonight and he slapped my arse . It wasn’t a playful slap -it was more like what we used to give a naughty child. He wasn’t drunk -we’d had a glass of wine each with our meal . I let it go-I was quite shocked tbh but I’m now home sat in bed ( we don’t live together) and I’m thinking he crossed a massive line . I don’t know if anyone else saw him do it. I bloody hope not. The fact it was in public makes it worse .Do I let it go or do I pull him on it big time tomorrow ?

OP posts:
LittleMissMarker · 03/12/2019 11:20

So, you are very clear it was deliberate and done in anger and it was not some (misplaced) playful jokey thing. So I am trying to think, if I was in your place, what could your DP say or do that would convince me that (a) he understood that was unacceptable and (b) that he would never do that, or anything like it, ever again?

And I'm struggling to come up with an answer.

He can say it was just a joke, you misunderstood, etc. But how would you believe him? You'd have to disbelieve the evidence of your own senses at the time, and that's potentially a pathway to gaslighting in future. And he can say he's very sorry, etc, and he has learned his lesson, etc. But you'd always be waiting for it to happen again.

*that wasn’t ok, I need some space to think things through. Please don’t contact me. I’ll be in touch in a few days”

Agree this is a good starting point. But you might end up contacting him just to say "goodbye".

cccameron · 03/12/2019 11:21

That would absolutely be the end for me

midnightmisssuki · 03/12/2019 11:21

Wtf?! Who does that?! In public as well???!! What a fucking idiot. Dump him.

Vanhi · 03/12/2019 11:27

It might just have been a spontaneous reaction done in jest.

My dad hit my mum in a similar way, apparently in jest. She didn't like it and told him not to do it again and I don't think he has. However, he hit my sibling and me when we were children. He is aggressive and manipulative. And he is an alcoholic who runs up huge amounts of debt so, arse slapping aside, not someone you'd want as a partner.

Slapping someone like this, and the OP has made it clear it wasn't in jest, isn't a mistake. It is indicative of deeper character flaws. I'm not saying he'd do the same as my dad - clearly they are different people. But it will be one part of his character and there will be other problems as well.

UpperLowercaseSymbolNumber · 03/12/2019 11:32

OP whatever you do here don’t let the “sunk costs fallacy” allow you to put more weight on the time invested than whether this is a suitable individual to be in a relationship with.

Wheresthebeach · 03/12/2019 11:39

Run. Now.

He hit you in anger. He will again. He’s testing you to see if you’ll put up with it because it was your arse, not your face.

Be glad you found out now, not when your pregnant.

Run. Now.

Cotswolds10 · 03/12/2019 11:51

Name changed to say this. I was with my partner for 4 years when he, in public and in full view of a stranger, pushed me so aggressively that I fell over. He had been drinking. He had been nothing but a gentleman before and was one of those people who everyone thought was the nicest man alive. I was weeks from getting married and didn’t know what to do. He completely denied it happened (apparently didn’t remember) again and again. I went against my better judgement and married him. He didn’t lay a finger on me for 15 years after that but had a tendency to verbal aggression when drunk and physically blocked me from leaving a room if we were ever arguing. Apart from that, never laid a finger on me until I told him I was leaving (for other reasons). Then he raped me. It took years in my case but, as others have said, it’s never just once.

SpiderCharlotte · 03/12/2019 12:13

@Cotswolds10 God how awful. I'm so sorry. Sad

Loopytiles · 03/12/2019 12:16

Yes, that’s terrible, Cotswolds. Flowers

Lizzie0869 · 03/12/2019 12:18

My DSis's XH was abusive towards her. He seemed like a nice caring bloke when they first met; he knew that she had had a back injury many years before and he was always considerate towards her.

Until he dropped a bombshell on her 2 weeks before their wedding, that he was seriously in debt. He said, 'I suppose you want to end things?' She said that she wasn't that 'shallow'. But what I didn't know until after they had broken up, was that he had also been violent towards her at that time. She didn't feel she could change her mind because, as she saw it, it would be a shallow thing to do.

He got worse after they got married, including telling her that she was faking her back injury. Mostly it was a case of punching pieces of furniture, and doors, but he was violent to her as well and she was scared of him. Thankfully he was the one who ended it, I think it would have been very hard for her to do it.

I'm really sorry, but it will happen again. And if you let this incident pass then he will see that he can get away with hurting you. You really need to get out now. Thanks

Ponoka7 · 03/12/2019 12:18

He wanted to do a macho show, of whose really the boss, in front of the people that you'd dared to argue, in front of, with him.

It speaks volumes about what he really thinks about your place in the relationship.

SummerPavillion · 03/12/2019 12:23

I feel for you OP Flowers He's finally shown you who he really is underneath - the type of man who sees "his woman" as property rather than his equal Sad

Original poster
bagpuss90 · 03/12/2019 12:32

Thanks for your comments . My kids are all older-no plans to have anymore. I’m so confused . I didn’t mis read it -it wasn’t done in jest. I have no idea where to go from here. I’d say we’re happy -he is thoughtful, kind, caring etc. We have some great times together. I’ve also thought how appalled I’d be if I witnessed that happening to one my friends. I’m meant to see him tonight . I’m having to crack on at work today so hard to decide what to do .

OP posts:
onalongsabbatical · 03/12/2019 12:38

I understand how hard it must be bagpuss but I'd just like to join in all the other comments saying actually it's a no-brainer. He hit you! Why would you stay with him?

FizzyGreenWater · 03/12/2019 12:39

But what did you say to him when he did that?! You said you let it go - did you just ignore it?!

You CANNOT see him as if nothign has happened. You just can't.

The unavoidable truth here is that IF he were 'thoughtful, kind, caring' etc then he would have already been on the phone to you, horrified, apologising.

I assume he hasn't?

Honestly, you really need to think. And not see him tonight. A curt message saying you won't be available would be a good idea- it would let you see at least whether he acknowledges that this might be why or whether you get a 'What's up?' in response.

Every excuse you make is void.

he isn’t a violent aggressive partner - he now has been exactly that.

He has never laid a finger on me He has now.

He is very kind and gentle No, that now does not seem to be the case unless that's how he wants to behave.

I'm appalled too. Really appalled at this. I would love to hear what your exchange was when this actually happened and what his attitude was.

Pipstelle · 03/12/2019 12:41

Listen to yourself. Believe your own instincts.

GiveHerHellFromUs · 03/12/2019 12:47

@bagpuss90 maybe bring it up and see how he reacts. If he apologises at least he's acknowledged it was wrong.
If he tries to laugh it off, maybe it wasn't intended to hurt and was supposed to be more jovial and you can tell him it was inappropriate then see how he takes that.
If he immediately gets defensive, run.

LittleMissMarker · 03/12/2019 12:51

I’m meant to see him tonight . I’m having to crack on at work today so hard to decide what to do

Cancel tonight. No need to give a reason, or use pp's suggestion that you are taking space because of what happened yesterday.

You had plans to meet but you're not meant to see him. His own behaviour means all bets are off. Take all the time you need before you do anything at all.

user1480880826 · 03/12/2019 12:57

That’s a truly awful thing for him to have done. He hit you. Would you be less unsure about what to do if it had been a slap to the face? Or a push that made you fall over? You seem to be debating where your red line is. For me, any show of physical violence is a step too far.

Cancel your plans to see him tonight. Just make up an excuse if you aren’t ready to verbalize your feelings yet.

YouSawThePlans · 03/12/2019 13:46

Don't see him tonight.If you do, you'll fall back into the relationship because you're not ready to talk about what he did yet and then you'll feel the time has passed.
Cancel tonight. Give yourself some time to think. Talk to a friend you trust in RL.

Loopytiles · 03/12/2019 13:54

I would cancel this eve, tell him this is due to his assault, and reflect some more.

As a couple, have you had to deal with much change, difficulties (for one or both of you as individuals or in your relationship) or conflicts in your time together?

Sometimes people are OK “in fair weather” only. And sometimes people with a propensity to be abusive intentionally hide it well, as PPs’ sad experiences show.

HaydnTaylor1 · 03/12/2019 13:55

It sounds like it was just a build up of stress that got to boiling point due to the argument. If I were you I would talk to him about it and maybe try and find a few ways to try and relieve that stress instead of just dumping him like everyone else here is suggesting.

T0tallyFuckedUpFamily · 03/12/2019 13:58

It sounds like it was just a build up of stress that got to boiling point due to the argument.

If he had slapped her around the face, would you still say that? Do you think he slaps his boss when he’s having a stressful day at work? Not fucking likely, because he’d either get sacked or a ounce in the face. But it’s ok, because he’s in a relationship with her? Stop excusing an an abuser.

AryaStarkWolf · 03/12/2019 14:04

@HaydnTaylor1 are you for real? You've basically made out like the poor guy was stressed and she should help him to cope with it? He hit her. He should be down on his knees apologising at the very least but sounds like he's not even said he was sorry

OP I would definitely cancel tonight and definitely tell him why. How dare he

embarassednewname · 03/12/2019 14:07

In that moment, he thought he had the right to smack and humiliate you.

Dump him and move on. He's testing boundaries. It's so demeaning and with a weird sexual overtone that it genuinely sends shiver down my spine.

If you stay with him, it tells him it's ok. It never gets better.

Please do youself a favour and believe the hundreds of women who have encountered similar behaviour and regretted their decision to stay and not overreact. You don't need to give any elaborate reasons or excuses. You have the right to break it off. It's your life and you have the right to choose the man you go out with.

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