My oldest son (27) has had the same girlfriend for 7 years. They live together, about 4 hours from us, which is very close to her family and likely where they will stay in the future. We are very close to my son, speak frequently, group chat almost every day, etc.

This is the first year that they are doing the alternating holidays. Thanksgiving (we are in US) at her family, Christmas at ours. She is smart, capable, well educated, high earning, and so many things that my son loves about her. She is very close to her mom and I have been regaled for years of stories from my son about how judgmental they are and that she and her mom spend all of their time judging people and making fun of people between themselves. She does not seem to want to develop a relationship with our family. She comes to visit a few times a year, we greet them happily, offer food, drink, regular visitor stuff. She is gracious, says no thank you and disappears to their bedroom mostly only to appear when they are going out. The few times she does sit with us after dinner or while sitting relaxing, she is texting the entire time. I have attempted to initiate conversation only to have her answer inquiries with one word or perhaps one sentence answers. Most of the time she doesn't even look up from her phone. My son and I had a conversation about this several months ago which went really well, I thought. I told him that we are happy that he has found someone he loves, but as his mother I am worried that he may marry someone that doesn't like his family. He said "what has she done that makes you think she doesn't like you?" My response was "nothing, but she certainly hasn't done anything to make us think she does". He said that was another way to look at things and he hadn't thought of it that way. I think he must have said something to her because for the first time ever she texted me unprompted and sent a photo of my son.

I am dreading Christmas. I know this is my problem but I am convinced that she will spend her time texting her mother listing all the ways I fail as a cook, decorator, house cleaner, etc. I get tired just thinking of topics to talk to her about.

Is it unreasonable to want to attempt to have a conversation with her about how I would like to get to know her better and maybe develop some sort of relationship?

Hi all. I'm just caretaking until Reastie returns, but here's our new thread. Please do use up the old one first though.

This is intended as a friendly, kind, safe, warm and fuzzy place for people to share discounts, bargains and Christmas gift ideas both online and IRL. Please note the tone and intention of the thread and join with spirit as generous as DC helping themselves to the Christmas chocolate celebrations

Here’s some useful information about how to save the thread or a specific post so you don’t need to have a message to check in for every thread so you have the thread saved:

To watch the thread - click on the little bell that has ‘watch’ under my first message. This adds the whole thread to your ‘watched threads’

You can also bookmark a specific post by clicking on the ‘bookmark’ under the specific post. This saves your exact place in a thread but doesn’t alert you to new replies.

If you have any referral links or codes, please share them on the referral thread here:

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/christmas/5444936-bargain-referrals-thread-8

A reminder that we don't use affiliated links on here please

🎄 Emoji to copy if required for posting bargains as some agree this makes deals easier to spot. (or post in bold)

Fairly recently, Ive realised I dont like these things:

Live albums/song recordings. No matter how much I love the band or song.
Watching dance…especially in a musical
Songs named after women…even I can’t explain that one!
Meals where every mouthful is the same…e.g. pizza

I wouldnt have said these things a year ago I dont think , so it proves TIPU am still getting to know myself in my late 50’s!

Anyone else had a similar epiphany?

Well it's here....

https://www.johnlewis.com/content/christmas-advert

And I hate those bratty kids already LOL 😂😂😂

That’s the plan. The Jimmy Choo Heloise

https://www.jimmychoo.com/en/women/shoes/heloise-120/latte-nappa-leather-platform-sandals-HELOISE120NAP080258.html

The goal is £795. I cannot in good conscience pay this amount from my income… but from recycling. Absolutely all for that.

So far I have £56 and 20 or so pending.

I have calculated an ambitious £20 a day gets me to the goal in just over a month. Thats very ambitious and I will not achieve that 😂

The deadline is summer for my wedding shoes.

Anyone want to make an epic vinted goal and join me?

Is Harry silent or silenced?
what else can possibly happen?

I’m on the train from Birmingham to London, managed to get a seat but the two people to my left both have put their suitcases on the seat beside them. Some people standing but if they’re not prepared to ask them to move their case I guess they will just stand.
Would you ask them to move their suitcase or would you say nothing?

I'm travelling to a wedding on Friday. I've been hiding my head in the sand about it for various reasons and had decided to wear something I wore to a wedding last year. However, DH thinks the jacket looks cheap and I think I agree with him. Also the shoes are suede and it's likely to rain on the day of the wedding.

So I decided to wear a dark blue dress and boots I have already and buy a coat to go over.

I ordered 3 and the only one I like is too short. DH likes all three.

Shoes are really difficult for me as I'm awaiting foot surgery so I'm stuck with what I have.

I'm attaching pictures of the teal maxi dress and jacket I wore last year and the new coat with the hem of the blue dress showing.

The links are to the other two new coats. I also have a maxi black Superdry puffer like the one in the screenshot but with a detachable fir collar. This is longer than the blue dress but DH says it's not weddingy.

Wedding is in a London town hall in the morning. Bride is fine with me wearing black.

Please be gentle with me. I don't feel good about any of it.

Buy Burgundy Red Detachable Fur Collar Double Breasted Maxi Formal Revere Coat from the Next UK online shop share.google/SnbLLXyZd4ULSBSV2

Buy Joe Browns Black Boutique Printed Velvet Coat from the Next UK online shop share.google/bcFKhowlkMtJVeLdQ

Fascinated to hear how other people spend/structure this time, as I find it challenging

Inspired by the ‘how quickly would you become unrecognisable on a desert island?’ Thread. For all my life I have hated my hair. My family have laughed about it and mocked me forever. When left to its own devices it is absolutely insane- it dries into the biggest, bushiest mess possible. It is so frizzy and unruly. I would honestly be unrecognisable if I left it alone. I have straightened it for years and it’s ok but very dated. I have literally spent thousands of pounds on products over the years. Can anyone send sympathy / tips / advice?? Do I just need to accept it??

School is situated on a very narrow pavement and there’s only really room for one abreast, or one adult and a child, I have two children. I have the younger one with me when I pick up the older one and things just seem to go either wild, with them both charging ahead, trying to shove past people, or one trying to shoot ahead and the other clinging to me wanting to be carried. If I refuse then they don’t move and the other one goes even further so I end up having to carry child plus book bag, coat, water bottle.

I am really getting fucked off with it (I know people will suggest reins but with those the youngest will refuse to move so it would just be like the ‘carry’ situation.)

My son and daughter-in-law are both in their 30s and have two children, aged 4 and a baby.
Before they got married, I always had a lovely relationship with my DIL. She was friendly, warm and seemed very happy to spend time with us. However, since they got married, I’ve noticed a real change in her attitude towards me and my husband.
She’s become quite cold and distant. When we visit, I feel as though she puts on a face and is just being polite for the sake of it. There’s an uncomfortable atmosphere that wasn’t there before.
A few things have made me notice the difference even more. For example, she doesn’t seem to behave this way when my son’s siblings (the children’s aunts and uncles) visit. She’s perfectly relaxed and friendly with them. It’s specifically when we’re around that things seem strained.
They have a four-bedroom house, and there’s a spare bedroom, but we’ve never been invited to stay. Both children currently sleep in their parents’ room, so it’s not as though there isn’t space. I appreciate that nobody is obliged to host us, and I’m not particularly bothered about staying there, but it does feel as though we’re being kept at arm’s length.
I also feel that we’re not really encouraged to have much involvement with the children. We’ve offered to babysit, but they’ve never taken us up on it. They have a full-time nanny and housekeeper, so I appreciate they have childcare arrangements in place, and I’m not suggesting we’re entitled to look after the children. We’ve never been left alone with them, and as far as I’m aware, we’ve never done anything to make them uncomfortable or given them any reason to question our care of the children.
For context, my DIL comes from a considerably wealthier background than we do. We’ve never had the same financial means as her family, but we’ve always tried to be welcoming and supportive. I don’t know whether that has anything to do with it, and I don’t want to make assumptions.
I’ve spoken to my son about whether anything is wrong, but his response is always along the lines of “No, no, everything’s fine”. He doesn’t elaborate, and I don’t want to put him in the middle or create problems in their marriage.
I’m genuinely not looking for an argument or demanding a closer relationship than she wants. I’m quite happy to respect boundaries and be a hands-off grandmother if that’s what they prefer. I’m also happy to change anything about my behaviour if I’ve unknowingly done something to upset her.
What I find difficult is the awkwardness and not knowing where I stand.
Would I be unreasonable to ask my DIL directly, perhaps privately, whether I’ve done something to upset her or whether there’s anything she’d like me to do differently? Or is that likely to make things even more uncomfortable?
I don’t want to force a relationship, but equally, I don’t think it’s unreasonable to want to understand why things have changed so much.

We have not bought Christmas presents for the family for 15 years or so. As no need to waste time, money and stress buying stuff people don’t need and then for them to put into a cupboard and forgotten about.

Buy some nice food n drinks with the money instead

We do buy for birthdays as more personal.

There’s talk about people spending less money on gifts. But I don’t think this is the case.

Shops are full of pointless gifts sets such as little pots of jam that don’t cover once slice of toast.

Last year, a former colleague asked me what to buy her sister’s fiancés gran. I said nothing as you aren’t related.

Friends and family who work in retail always get customers coming in asking could they get refunds, credit or exchange on gifts they received as don’t like, item is the wrong size etc. Many don’t have a receipt so unable to refund etc.

Think before you buy and think do you really need to buy presents for certain people

So long story short I’m not religious but from a Christian background. DH is not from UK but is Christian orthodox family. Though rarely ever goes to church nor lives a devout life 😑.

he wants to christen the kids, I’d rather not but said if it’s important to him he can, I’ll go along with it. He can organise it as it’s something he wants, but my ONLY stipulation is no undressing and submersion of the kids.

We went to a nephews christening and the poor boy was publicly stripped naked and dunked in a barrel. I found it horrifying to watch and the child was inconsolable for a long while after. I disagree with it massively, it feels humiliating and a bit abusive to me.

Next year a cousin of DH is getting married abroad and the whole huge family is going. BIL and DH want to christen all the kids together, we have two they have two. Sure, makes sense. Bride is fine with us piggybacking her wedding week I did check with her.

They are insisting on orthodox ceremony, fine, but I’m insisting the priest mustn’t strip and dunk my kids.

They said maybe he will?! I’m repeating myself with this and just kind of getting shrugged off. There’s a language barrier also to work around and I feel I’m left out of the conversations ALOT. DH will never disagree with his brother, or his dad. History has proven it.

If they don’t take my wishes seriously, AIBUto just refuse to let the kids go full stop? Take the passports and refuse to let them leave the UK? Or just cause a massive scene at the christening?? What do I do??

I bought a bag of self raising flour, not realising I already had a full bag and a half-used open bag. As much as I love making cakes, I am trying to watch my weight so leave cakes for special occasions. What else can I use it for? Tried and tested please.

We moved in a bit ago more like a year ago I've slowly been trying to put this house together. my little boy is around one. he's getting almost big enough to reach the sockets and is starting to try crawl off. so I'm looking for some safety stuff for him to buy this payday as it's looking more needed now. I've dropped a photo of the area I have just been using a blanket to try and make it softer but thinking about a pen and mat and socket covers. I normally just look on vinted or shein or charity shops. But if anyone has any suggestions on where I could find some cheap ones let me know. 😊

Other than the elusive Needoh, my DS really wants Pokemon cards for Christmas but I can't find them anywhere and a lot of online retailers seemed to have bumped the price up somewhat.

I have tried requesting to purchase through Amazon many times and never get selected, despite my Amazon account being over 25 years old! Not sure how you get approved for that.

Anybody got any good sources?

I met a man a few months ago while out with my friend in our local. He caught my eye and we exchanged numbers and up until now, have been dating, having a good laugh, connecting, I've even met his two sons out for a meal together, both in their twenties now.

He has a fairly good job, good saver, nice house that he has cleared the mortgage on. Seems to be really interested and communication is good.... only a few months in though, so I'm very aware that I don't know him well enough.

We have started sleeping together but nothing has really happened. It feels like he's not all that interested in sex at all. I was the one to initiate the first kiss and it was odd, but I wrote it off as nerves at first. He doesn't seem to want to kiss. I thought maybe he's asexual. No erection, kind of a semi one, but that was only once. When we are out and about he holds my hand most of the time, seems proud to be with me. Lots of hugs but just no interest in sex.

We've talked about it and he has put it down to age. He is 55. He got Viagra and nothing happened. Hasn't tried the other ones, whatever they are.

I've noticed he was behaving oddly with his phone. Taking it to the toilet if it was on the coffee table. Putting it face down. All notifications set to not show who or what they are. So I had a look while he was asleep and he's viewing a lot of sadistic material. It's women being humiliated, some of his Google searches are punishment of women and some are punishment of prostitutes. One week that we were really trying to sort out the sex issue, he was googling punishment of prostitutes regularly.

I've brought it up with him and he says he now feels he isn't allowed to have any secrets. He claims it's all fantasy and he doesn't want to harm women and it's "not what I think". I remained calm and asked him to explain it and tell me what he wants from his sex life with me but he clams up.

I've ended it and he's upset but I feel really disgusted. He actually told me I need to accept that's how he is.

I think it maybe needs to go in the bin but…
Made quorn bolognese last night - finished cooking at 7pm and left to cool. Transferred into storage container and lid on, but forgot to go back and put in fridge.

So left out in the kitchen which was maybe down to 15 degrees overnight.

Plan was to make it into lasagne today.

Would you chuck and start again? Google suggests I should 😢.

I've come to realise in the last few months that my husband's behaviour is emotionally abusive. It's a hard reality to come to terms with. The key behaviours are:

• stonewalling (I think it counts as this) - he will not respond and will withdraw when I bring up a topic he doesn't like (there are a good number of topics that I now can't bring up, including sharing how I feel). This will be to the extent of lying in bed all day, sometimes for days, leaving me to parent our toddler, manage the housework and look after the dog alone. Then he will suddenly come out of that and behave like nothing has happened. No acknowledgement of his behaviour or how it's affected me (I've told him plenty of times, I've given up bothering now), no apology.
• if I share that I am struggling or feeling depressed/stressed/overwhelmed, he will turn it around to make it all about him. My problem is push aside and never addressed. I have to try to manage his feelings and 'look after' him instead.
• I feel that he has manipulated me a number of time by using poor mental health to scare me into giving him attention. For example, I have left work to go home to him due to weird texts and him not answering my calls, but when I got home he was fine.

I'm so exhausted by it all. It's become so frequent now. There's not been a good period that's lasted more than two weeks in the last six months. Now even 'good' isn't good. We barely talk. He now shows very little interest in me, even not interested in the fact I'm signed off work with stress because of him (he knows it's only him that can be causing me stress).

I've been in contact with a support service for domestic abuse and I hoped they would give me helpful advice on how to leave, but what I got from it was that it's very hard to leave and that's why many stay. We are both on the mortgage, so I can't get him to leave (he has refused when I've asked him). I feel so disheartened and stressed at this unknown in front of me. Not only is it unclear what life will look like once I leave him, but it's so uncertain as to how I can even leave in the first place.

Any advice from anyone who has been in this position and managed to leave would be greatly appreciated!

This is an emotive and sensitive topic so I hope everyone can be respectful. It’s also not a topic I am as well versed in as I would wish to be, so please don’t assume I have lots of knowledge about this when putting forward your views.

I’ve been reading in the news about the calls at the Commonwealth summit for apologies and reparations for the trans-Atlantic slave trade.

What are your views on this and why?

Personally, I agree there should be a formal apology and recognition of the harm done. Britain was involved in the perpetuation of the slave trade, as well as being involved in its abolition. An acknowledgement and apology for past wrongs would be a way of showing respect and our moral beliefs as a society.

Reparations in the form of cash…here I am unsure, and for the following reasons.

1. Given the time that has passed, it’s likely to be impossible to accurately track down the family members of those individuals who were trafficked. So who would reparations go to? Countries instead of individuals? Is that fair?
2. Again, given the time that has passed, who should pay for the reparations and how? If funds were raised through general taxation, that feels unfair on the current British population who were not involved. If we try to target those prominent families who made millions and millions….would those assets ever get seized or would they all swiftly disappear into offshore accounts never to be seen again. Would it be possible to seize money from those who had directly profited?
3. Given the cost of living crisis in the uk (whilst not to be compared with poverty experienced in the Caribbean) and what feels like deteriorating race-relations, I worry how a programme of reparations would affect UK society as a whole and if racism would worsen or more extreme right wing governments would be voted in.
4. I can see a case for reparations as Germany has done to survivors and victims families of the Holocaust. Survivors and victim’s immediate families who were materially affected are still living. This makes sense to me. But how many generations on should reparations be relevant? The last living survivors of slavery died nearly 100 years ago. I do believe that their descendants are impacted by the legacy of slavery, but they themselves were not enslaved and nor were their immediate family (spouse/parent).
5. In terms of lost wages for work/compensation for what happened, if that had been given to the affected individuals at the moment slavery had been abolished, how much of that would have actually come to the descendants living today? The majority of people around the world and throughout history have lived hand-to-mouth, not building up big inheritances for the next generation. How do you value the reparations?

I don’t support reparations in any form other than money / cancelling debt as I do agree that it would be disrespectful for Britain (or any of the other countries who were involved in the slave trade) to decide the form of reparations given when money is what is being asked for.

In case it’s relevant: I’m white British/Irish from a historically very poor background. My family never even owned property until 50 years ago so I can’t imagine any of them ever owned slaves or profited from investments in businesses that used slave labour. We never had anything material to pass down the generations bar the odd photograph and wedding ring. All of this has of course impacted on my views.

Would love to know other people’s adjustments and traditions that are ND friendly. Or from anyone who likes to turn down the chaos & overwhelm of Christmas!

Ours:

• No snaps in crackers (we use a make your own kit, £2.99 last year! And just put in choc coins!)
• No elf (too chaotic & unpredictable & surveillance concept is terrifying) We are doing the little advent fairy this year. It’s calm and all about kindness & gentle magic
• One room remains Xmas decoration free
• Static lights only
• We always have a ‘secret’ present stashed away for emergency moments of overwhelm towards the end of the day. You can go off and have a quiet moment away from everyone and enjoy a little present. We’ve only had to reach for it once in 7 years (the rest have been saved for bdays!)

Then there’s obviously the adaptations we do on a daily basis anyway, would love to know Christmas specific tips!

title speaks for itself. at what point in his life do we tell him, if ever? i feel like he has the right to know he was a twin, but i also don’t want him to feel the grief the way his dad & i feel it, or feel like hes not enough for us. he’s almost a year old so we have tons of time to figure this out, but what would you do? we talked about waiting until he’s in his teens so he can understand it better but i dont want him to be upset that we’ve kept something from him later down the line. how do we navigate this? how would you navigate this?

1. A penny farthing sitting on a landing of a mansion.

2. Lots of tiny feathers on the stairs of someone's house who didn't own a bird and in the same house I think they had a secret lodger as every time I went to the loo I heard footsteps run from one room to the next upstairs. I never mentioned either!

My family have started calling DD Floater and I really don’t like it. It started at a family lunch a few weeks ago when she was playing with one of those little inflatable rings and my brother called her it as a joke. Now it’s stuck and everyone seems to think it’s hilarious.

My family have always had daft nicknames for each other tbf. I’ve got one my brother still calls me which I’ve never liked, but it’s just what he’s always called me. This feels different though because she’s only little and I don’t want it turning into something people say about her when she’s older.

My brother says it doesn’t mean anything and keeps going “where’s our little Floater then” whenever he sees her. My mum and sister have started saying it too now. I know they aren’t trying to be nasty but it just sounds like they’re taking the piss out of her appearance to me. She’s got quite chubby cheeks at the moment and I can imagine other kids picking up on it when she starts school.

At the weekend we were all at my mum’s for lunch and he said it about four times. I asked him to stop calling her that and he just laughed and said I was being ridiculous. My mum then said I was being precious and that DD won’t even remember it. I felt a bit stupid because everyone was looking at me like I’d made a massive deal out of nothing.

DP thinks I’m overthinking it as well. He says she’s too young to understand what it means and it’ll probably just stop being used eventually. I said that’s not really the point though, I don’t want it becoming her nickname in the first place. He thinks I’m making it into something it isn’t.

I’m not against nicknames generally, we call her Flo most of the time anyway and she has a few other little ones that are just cute things she’s done. I just don’t like this one and don’t think it’s particularly nice.

My sister messaged me afterwards saying I should just let it go because it’s affectionate and nobody means anything by it. I haven’t replied yet because I don’t really know what to say without sounding like I’m having a go at everyone.

AIBU to ask them to stop calling her it? Would you actually mind this or am I being a bit precious?