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I need a little help. I have a strong suspicion that my husband is having / starting an affair. He has recently had two meetings (meals out - he paid) that I know of with a married friend, they knew each other before I met him. They talk frequently via text and I think a second Facebook account (that I don’t have access to). He has never told me about this I discovered a message by accident and have since found proof. I think he is now hiding how he communicates via hidden apps in his iPhone, he is very tech aware, and this these hidden apps are protected by touch ID that I don’t know how to get around.

The thing is I am going away tomorrow to visit family 150 miles away. I think this OW is coming around to my house to listen to music. I can’t prove 100%.

Am I unreasonable to get internal cameras? I can organise this tonight if I order now via prime. But I don’t know what to order, any suggestions?? It has to be easy to install. I am not tech savvy.

I have met this person, and we are due out as a group soon. Not leaving my husband so don’t suggest. Need to confront with evidence.

128

I’m not talking “it’s hot, I’ve been sweating and headed home for a shower” or I’m disabled and can’t shower so have a sink wash or even showering every day

went to the supermarket today and was hit with a wall of body odour from someone in front of me to the point in caught in my throat. Every aisle they went down stunk of it, people were moving away and looking who the smell was from. It was acrid beyond belief. it was a couple who were driving and seemed perfectly normal apart from this smell as if they hadn’t showered in months

62

I met DH in 2018; we became parents at the very end of 2020 and got married in 2022; our DD was born a year later. So we’re now over five and a half years into having children: DS is six in December and DD was 3 last month.

In that time DH has not really been very hands on. He’s married to his job really. He doesn’t do their baths and stories or tidy up while I do, he just sits there while I sort the children then the house. He doesn’t get up with them at night if they wake or in the morning if they wake early. Even if he does do something it’s been instigated and sorted by me and he just doesn’t seem to think he has to do anything. So for instance he used to take ds to his swimming lesson on a Saturday morning. I’d get DS’s swimming stuff ready, he just had to take him. Then he’d say something like ‘oh, you didn’t pack DS’s goggles’ - it just didn’t occur to him that he could have packed his goggles.

I am sure I wasn’t blameless. I was working three days a week after maternity leave with dd and became increasingly resentful. It was very hard having both children home on my days off and I felt very alone. DH never took them to the park for a couple of hours. Sometimes he’d take one (usually the older one) and make out that was a favour.

Anyway, I did seriously consider ending the marriage but money was a big issue and I didn’t want to disrupt the children or be a part time mum. I also kept thinking if I could get through until both children were at school I could have a couple of days a week for me and they’d be a bit older and more independent and things would be better generally.

DH then started complaining of pain this year and I didn’t pay much attention at first but he does have cancer. We’re waiting on biopsy results.

He is genuinely in huge amounts of pain and I feel awful for him. Despite all I’ve said above I do care about him as the father to my children and someone I said sacred vows too and meant, but if I’m being really honest I am finding it hard to feel any sense of impending personal loss or grief. Which does make me feel the marriage was maybe not in a good place.

So now … DH can’t walk far. He is only able to sit on a specially adapted chair, which is in the main living area of the house. (Please don’t suggest we move it; we can’t.) He is insisting on working throughout, and holds teams meetings on the chair with the children gambolling about because it’s school holidays. Obviously this isn’t practical at all so I’m having to have them out all the time. I am exhausted as a result, and so so fed up.

I know this is a terrible thing to say but I’m so worried about life looking like this for the foreseeable. DH cured would be one thing but in all honesty this does not look likely. DH dying is awful and I don’t want to wish this on us. But this half life, where our home is no longer a sanctuary but a place or stress and anxiety and an office as well is just a nightmare. It really affects the children having DH there but ignoring them and just frowning at his laptop, which affects behaviour.

It will probably drag on for years like this and as it does I’m losing my children’s childhoods and my mind! I can’t just leave of course. I don’t know what to do.

208

Day one of a weeks holiday in Spain with DP and DC (age 4, 3 and 0)

Me and DP had an argument this morning which was in my opinion trivial but I know people are different. Basically I was stressed because the 2 older kids had been crying most of the morning as we had a late arrival and they haven’t slept enough (got to hotel at 1.30am and was up at 7.30). Wasn’t working in the hotel room trying to get them to sleep so I wanted to get them out in the pushchair. Partner suggested going to the shops and (I believe he said) then go swimming straight after. Baby was asleep so didn’t get her ready for swimming. DP was taking ages getting ready so I said I’d just walk them up and down to stop the crying. Tbf it was only a few minutes when I came back as he still wasn’t out the room as he was doing his hair. I was unreasonably annoyed, basically in a huff saying I might as well get baby ready as I was waiting for him anyway (but didn’t say that). It was just the stress of waiting around for 2 hours in the room already with them not settling. Then it was an argument over what we were doing basically. Escalated as he said that he was gonna stay in the hotel room so I was fuming because that meant me being left with all 3 kids and I genuinely can’t take them all out by myself very easily. So I got pissed off and threw a hat at him which knocked his water over (that was out of order I know). So he said he was going out before he got angry. This was 7 hours ago. He’s not responding to messages etc so no clue where he is. He’s probably just in the hotel bar. But I’ve had this before where he takes days to calm down regardless of whether I apologise etc. Yes it was my fault but it this a normal reaction?! I can’t stay on holiday like this. There is literally no point me being here because I haven’t been able to take the kids swimming or anywhere really today. Had a walk to the shops (2 in a pushchair whilst wearing a baby carrier. 4 year old is autistic which is why he needs a pushchair for safety) so only a small walk. Got some food etc to cook as I don’t see how I can go to the restaurant with all of them as I can’t leave them at the table. We’re all inclusive and haven’t brought enough money to keep buying food as didn’t think that was going to be needed.
A friend has said she’ll lend me the money for flights home if I want to go tomorrow. AIBU if I do that and just leave him here? I will let him know but he’s not replying to anything even me asking if he was coming back so I could get the kids some food which I think is out of order. Hence the walk to the shops. So I have no clue when he’ll be back. What would you do?

830

Eugenie gave birth to a daughter on Monday. She was born in Lisbon, Portugal.

The baby’s name has not been revealed yet.

If anyone cares.

83

There has apparently been a significant rise in racism towards NHS staff, with a growing number of people refusing to allow non-white NHS staff to treat them. This is sad but not surprising given the shift in society as a whole towards people expressing their racism much more openly.

https://news.sky.com/story/nhs-staff-experiencing-unconscionable-levels-of-racist-abuse-survey-finds-13569575

I have always admired the commitment of NHS staff who treat all patients with care and compassion, even when those patients are rude and abusive. But if people are actually refusing to let certain staff provide treatment, surely there should be consequences for this?

AIBU to think that everyone has the right to refuse treatment if they so wish, but if a patient refuses treatment from a medical professional simply because they don't like the colour of that medical practitioner's skin, then they should then forfeit the right to receive that treatment on the NHS. So they can either go without or find the money to be treated privately by a medical professional of their choice?

There would need to be signs warning people of the consequences of their choices, of course, but if someone doesn't want a Black or Asian radiographer carry out their x-ray, then fine... they just don't get an x-ray.

681

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do you have a proper best friend as an adult? Or a proper group of best friends?
I hear people talk about their best friends all the time and I’m so jealous I don’t have that one person to properly connect with as a friend.

119

Long post alert but a lot of it is context soi've tried to make it easy to read but scroll to the issue if you don't want to read it all I don't want to drip feed though

My stepson has just turned 19 and he has epilepsy and a heart condition and DH has to do a lot for him than the average 19 year old, making sure he takes his meds at the correct times (he is capable of this but he rebelled and started to refuse which made him very unwell so DH has taken over giving them to him and making sure he actually has swallowed them), taking him to his neurology and cardiology appointments and sometimes staying with him at night if he mentions feeling off or if he's had a seizure close to him going to sleep and SS asks for this

CONTEXT

His mum passed away a few days after giving birth to him and so DH was left with 2 DC including a very sick baby with a heart condition and he did think he was going to lose him too as he was put on palliative care for a few months until he shocked everyone so DH is naturally very protective over him maybe too much at times and then he was diagnosed with epilepsy at 11 so it was an additional thing to worry about.

We have 3 DC together now (5, 2 and 16 weeks), DH didn't want any more children previously but changed his mind and despite him having therapy he was extremely anxious during the pregnancies about losing me or the baby and didn't want us to get care from the hospital his late wife and SS were at even though it was 14 years prior as they were found to be negligent in both cases. The hospital we did go to were understanding and the midwives were lovely in all 3 pregnancies, we had extra scans at fetal medicine to check the baby's hearts (and all 3 are fine and healthy in detail as stepsons condition wasn't picked up on the scans and DH kept telling them something was wrong with him but because his late wife had just passed away it was put down to him being over anxious

DH is his full time carer and he's just finished college this year and so far has no plans for anything so they're together pretty much all the time (I'm also home too currently as I'm on mat leave) but SS wants independence I think. He did have friends at secondary school but about 4 years ago (when he was 15) had a seizure in public and they left him and then told a member of the public he was messing about luckily the member of the public ignored them and called an ambulance and this added even more anxiety to both SS and DH - DH about something happening when he isn't there and SS about going out on his own. He now has 2 friends from college but doesn't see them often

Both my DS (22) and SD (26) were trained in what to do in event of a seizure from when they were relatively young, our 5 & 2 year old knows to shout for one of us and to not touch him, thankfully they've only witnessed one seizure which was in the living room and it was last week, I was out with baby at the time and our 5 year old was brilliant bless her she shouted for DS and DH who were in another room and stopped our 2 year old from going near him and then DS took them out into the garden whilst DH stayed with Stepson but DD was quite upset after which made SS feel worse

THE ISSUE

Alot of our life is ruled by SS and so we booked a weekend away at Haven just the 3 younger one's and myself and DH as DH also needs some sort of break he's exhausted as am I dealing with a baby and a toddler mostly on my own. DS still lives at home but also is at his girlfriends a few times a week so he was going to keep an eye on SS. However SS convinced him on Saturday night he was fine and DS went clubbing. He checked on SS yesterday but he kept telling him he was fine and DSwent to see his gf and slept there last night.

SS went on a date with a boy on a dating app apparently it was their third date (we didn't know any of this int today as the other 2 were when he was saying he was seeing his friends). We got back this morning about 9am and DH went into stepsons room to find him in bed with said boy asleep. DH was furious that he was in bed with a boy. We knew he was into boys (I think SS goes by bisexual though I'm not 100%) as he was outed to us when he was 17, DH had more of an issue with it and went to the pub and they had a long talk and said he essentially didn't want to meet any potential partner until he knew they were serious and told him he was not to invite them round or just sleep with random men he hardly knew because of STD’s and how they’d treat him

It turns out during the date SS had had a 2 seizures (the boy told SS - he doesn't remember) and the boy had brought him home and then SS asked him to stay because he felt off and thought he mightve had another seizure didn't want to be on his own thankfully he didn't

DH shouted at him for inviting a random boy into his room and our house when he was alone and he shouldve called DS or him and he then turned his attention to DS when he got home this evening and asked why he didn't stay with him etc etc said he could've died and asked DS if he wanted that, called him a silly cunt and a stupid twat etc. SS then was crying and said he just wishes he was normal and DH blamed DS in a “now look what you've done” way and when DS pointed it out that it was DH who was shouting he said he wouldn't be if he'd done what he should've done and shoved him.

DH doesn't see he's in the wrong and has been snapping at me too and said I wouldn't like it if the roles were reversed a it was my “precious DS” instead and stomped out, DS has gone back to his gfs so now I'm at home and don't know what to do. I'd like an outsiders pov if possible / advice as I feel stuck between both my son and my husband

44

I'm not looking to excuse my son, and I'm genuinely trying to work out the best way to handle this.

My son is 16. He's a very happy, carefree, outgoing boy. Today, his girlfriend's mum called me to say he'd made her daughter cry. Apparently, he told her he was bored with the relationship and wanted to break up. Her mum said the issue wasn't that he ended the relationship, but the way he did it, with very little thought for her daughter's feelings.

I apologised that she'd had to deal with that and said I'd speak to him, but I haven't yet because I'm not sure what I should say.

What worries me is that this isn't the first time. In the last 16 months, this is his fourth girlfriend. He tends to date someone for two or three months, then ends it and seems completely unaffected. Today, after the breakup, he just went off to play tennis as if nothing had happened.

For comparison, I have two daughters (18 and 15). When my older daughter had her first breakup, she cried for a week. So seeing my son seemingly not flinch at all is something I struggle to understand.

My younger daughter also showed me a screenshot of his ex's Instagram story calling him a "skirt chaser," which obviously isn't nice either.

I know teenagers date, and I don't expect every relationship to last. I'm also not expecting him to stay with someone just to avoid hurting them. But I do want him to learn empathy and understand that how you end a relationship matters just as much as the decision itself.

So, how would you approach this conversation? Would you treat it as a normal part of teenage dating, or would you be concerned about the apparent lack of empathy? I'd really appreciate advice, especially from parents of teenage boys.

83

When I (44) was 8 I went to a big division meet up, not many people from my pack went. There was show put on by another group as part of their Entertainer badge, they played the spoons. Someone then described the award and I thought it sounded like fun. I went back and badgered the leaders until they agreed to do it.

We did a big group show for all the parents and everyone had to do an individual piece as well, some at the show and some on a normal Brownies night. I chose to do it at the show.

I decided to sing from my school hymn book (the blue one with the ugly kids on the front #4 Autumn Days), on my own, in front of everyone with no musical accompliment. The "judges" were 3 quite elderly ladies from some kind of group of retired Brownie leaders or something (trefoil?). They failed me. I didn't get the badge.

Now admittedly I can't carry a tune in a bucket but still! I was basically put off singing for life, gave up trying, if I was so bad I couldn't get a brownie bade I must be the worst in the world.

It seemed unjust at the time, but now I have a child in Squirrels I really just how fucked up it really was.

AIBU

243

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Name changed because it's embarrassing.

A few weeks ago, a much younger man, who I used to know, told a mutual friend that he fancied me. He's seriously out of my league and I was very flattered. He's since messaged me every day, asking when we can meet. I've been single for about five years and haven't had sex in over ten years. I don't know if menopause has caused any issues in this department!

Before his initial message, I hadn't seen him for four years, as he was working abroad. In this time I've aged significantly due to health problems and peri-menopause. I've seen very recent photos of him on social media and he hasn't aged at all. If anything, he's been working out and looks stronger and healthier.

So, I've been putting him off, but started Mounjaro, had my hair dyed to hide all the greys, bought a load of expensive skincare products and have a very expensive botox session booked for tomorrow. I really shouldn't be spending this sort of money.

What am I doing? Please talk some sense into me. I don't even think I want anything from him. I think I'm just so flattered. It's depressing though because all of a sudden I'm noticing all the ways that I've aged, including wrinkles, downturned mouth, thinning hair, weight gain.

I should just let him down and forget all about it, shouldn't I?

65

I’m surprised to be the first to mention this, but what do people think about Jason Arday, the Cambridge professor accused of plagiarism, and the media row that is brewing around him?

For those that don’t know, three years ago Arday became – at 37 – the youngest-ever black professor at Cambridge. Arday claims to have been diagnosed with autism at an early age, and says he couldn’t speak until he was eleven, and apparently only learnt how to read and write at eighteen.

The appointment, made when BLM issues were very much in the news, was made despite allegations of plagiarism in Arday’s doctorate, which were dismissed by Cambridge as being beyond its purview, and because he had been cleared by the awarding institution, Liverpool John Moores.

Those allegations have resurfaced in the past few days, with examples that certainly seem fairly damning, including a misplaced s apostrophe in the title of part of his doctoral thesis (An exploration of peer-mentoring among student teachers’ to inform reflective practice within the context of action research). This blatant error seems to have originated in a phrase supposedly lifted from the thesis he allegedly plagiarised, although in that original case it formed part of a sentence in which it was grammatically correct.

My experience of dipping at random into the paper, which is available online, immediately showed a number of other very basic spelling and other mistakes, almost as if it had not been proofread at all.

In an abstract (the summary written by the author, which is placed right at the beginning of an academic paper) from a different 2018 Arday paper, the following three grammatical/spelling errors occur within a single paragraph of just 160 words (again, this can easily be found online):
This paper employs a Critical Race Theory (CRT) a storytelling method, which operates…
powerful ways in racism unfolds within in the Academy…
dismantle inequity in all its suboardinated forms…

There are now reports that Cambridge – which insists that Arday is the victim of a “vile campaign to undermine his credibility” – is, perhaps not surprisingly, facing a “staff revolt” over the issue. Arday himself complains of “dark arts” being used against him, and says that autism led him to rely heavily on mimicry to make sense of information.

On the web you can find reports of various claims made by Arday (though several universities seem to be scaling them down, now that the spotlight is upon them). And yes, I have copied some of these:

  • To have finished his PhD in 2½ years while working full-time and living with a brain tumour.
  • To have featured on a television show that ran over a decade before he was born.
  • To have run thirty marathons in 35 days, despite having experienced an epileptic fit, a seizure and a leg fracture. He also says he has run 600 miles in six days, just fifty miles short of the world record (no evidence of these extraordinary feats appears to exist, nor have witnesses come forward to testify to them.
  • To have raised over five million pounds for charity (when challenged in recent days over this, Arday said this was done in association with others, who he declined to name because, he said, he had signed non-disclosure agreements that stopped him from doing so).
  • To have played football and snooker professionally (no indication is given as to how Arday might have communicated on a football pitch when mute, as he says he was until the age of eleven).
  • To have had a stroke immediately after graduating, causing him to lose his memory of working on his PhD.
  • To have two GCSEs, in PE and Textiles (no timeline is given for when he is supposed to have taken these exams, but both of them would presumably have involved some writing – a skill that he apparently only acquired at age 18).
  • To sleep only two hours per night.

Try searching online..... even "The Guardian" has now decided he is not everything he claims to be. So what do people think, and what does it say about higher education nowadays???

379

DH has complained because I asked him to take a days annual leave this summer. Apparently I have asked for ‘loads’ and he will have ‘none left for him.’

I’m a teacher; the expectation is very much that I have the children for the duration of the holiday.

I don’t know why I’m posting. Just pissed off.

133

I have DD1 and DDnearly4.

My eldest DD has EVERYTHING. She was the first grandchild on both sides and has practically every toy imaginable. We are a family that likes to go ‘all out’ on birthdays and Christmas too.

How do you handle new gifts and hand me downs in your family? We have a big playroom so all of our toys live in there. DD1 has become interested in babies and pushchairs recently and there’s been a few arguments about our 1 toy pushchair so I’ve been thinking about buying DD1 her own. However the one we’ve got is perfect for DD1, and it would probably be better to buy DD4 her own bigger pushchair. But I find this happens a lot, but it seems unfair that it’s always eldest DD who gets everything new whilst DD1 just has to share DD4’s stuff or have the stuff she’s outgrown.

I’ve started thinking ahead for Christmas, and cannot think of a single thing that DD1 needs as she has everything that DD4 has outgrown. Where as I have a really long list of things for DD4.

How does this work in your family?

48

I don't want to let the gas man in. I have already cancelled twice. Every year I get warning letters.. I don't want to let anyone in. I don't want have any form of interaction. I don't want anyone physically in my house. I don't even know when they are coming. I just know its an afternoon appointment.

356

I live in a flat , and we've just been told that we are going to have a new communal front door with an intercom. I have now been asked to submit a copy of my electricity bill before they fit the door and I have asked why?Because it's a private bill, and I'd like to know why they're asking before I submit it.Does anybody else know what this might be forI have now been asked to submit a copy of my electricity bill before they fit the door and I have asked why? Because it's a private bill, and I'd like to know why they're asking before I submit it. Does anybody else know what this might be for?

39

Bit of an odd question. I have a character in a book who's attending a formal event, the opening of a private club and I don't know how to dress her!

She's around 50, medium height, slim/toned. Short 'salt and pepper' hair. Ex army/no nonsense, tough as nails. Generally dresses in a singlet, baggy shorts and DM's.

Any ideas on how to smarten her up in character??

(She is AWOL so uniform is a no no).

12

Our eldest graduated last year with a First in Economics and Maths from Durham. We were incredibly proud of him because he worked very hard. Worked very hard through school, did lots of work experiences, debating abroad, rowing, essentially seized every opportunity he’s not lazy at all.

While at university he found all of his internships himself and also secured a year-long placement. They offered him a graduate role afterwards on £35k in London, but he didn't want to go back to the place. They gave him a wonderful reference despite out son being very honest saying that the pay was not great and that’s the reason. DH also thought that salary was poor for London given the cost of living.

After graduating he did another summer internship, then went travelling. When he came back in December he was living at home and working in a local farm shop. I arranged that job because I've known the owners all my life (I actually worked there myself as a teenager).

He was applying for graduate jobs but wanted to move to London without being completely skint. His girlfriend already lives there. She earns around £30k in publishing but her parents pay her rent, so she's able to save and enjoy herself.

DH asked around among people he knows. His own company couldn't take him because they prefer graduates with some experience, but one of DH's friends said they had a suitable role and encouraged him to apply. He was offered the job on £40k. We've also offered to help him with his rent while he's getting established.

My friend’s son is a similar age and has been struggling to find graduate work. She asked how our son got his job and what the salary was. I answered honestly.

Now she's saying we've raised him to be spoiled, that it's unfair he got a job through connections, and that other young people don't have those opportunities.

My view is that he earned his degree himself, found all of his internships and placement himself, got excellent references, and had already proved he could do the work. Yes, DH's friend opened a door, but surely that's what networking is? Plenty of jobs are filled through recommendations, especially when someone is trusted.

Why can’t we just help our own son. It’s not as though he took the job from someone else, the job didn’t even exist on adverts. It’s how people get jobs, my first job after graduating my dad got me the job in London in the 90s and then I worked my way. It’s not as though he got me every single job.

The world just isn’t fair, why should our son have to suffer just because the world isn’t fair. We are aware the world isn’t fair that’s why we are using our connections. Everyone just wants the best for their kids it’s not done maliciously.

AIBU to think we've done nothing wrong?

916

I need a glam-ish dress for a night out in Ibiza. This is tricky as im definitely not an "ibiza glam night out" sort of person! Its for a nice bar/club, so I want to be able to dance and not get too hot, but also feel a little bit special compared to everyday dresses.
Im short, size 8/10, small boots, small waist. Happy to show arms/legs. Im 40 and while I don't believe in having to dress a certain way, I also don't feel comfortable in many of the brands i used to wear when i would go out dressed up! I tend to suit blues and pastels but im open to suggestions. Max budget £150. Help!

68

I have long hair and have trimmed it once before using the ponytail method and it was fine.
I did this again today and it looked nice, just a basic trim.
Then I looked at the front layers as they needed trimming.
I followed a tutorial but have completely wrecked my hair. It’s uneven at the front, just tufts of hair, cut far too short, they don’t look like layers, just an almost blunt cut of too short tufts at the front.
Sat here crying as it looks so ridiculous. Can’t go to the hairdresser as they can’t cut that part even shorter, plus i’m far too embarrassed too
How long will it take to grow?

57

Looking for a bit of perspective on this DH has just made me dinner after I came in from work, he does very little cooking so I’m very grateful of that.

He told me he was doing fish cakes and salad, just sat down and started eating and I said are they salmon fish cakes, he said yea, I said to him I don’t like salmon, you know I don’t, we’ve been together 20 years and I just don’t like it.
He said to me well you had it the other week, I didn’t, it was sea bass at a restaurant and he had the same thing!
It just feels like he doesn’t think and all I do is think of the family, I feel exhausted with it and it’s probably colouring my view of the situation but AIBU to feel a bit out out?

118

Sorry this will be long.

DS age 15 is smart, kind and funny but too into screens. Does very well at school but needs to be told to study and sat on. His phone is controlled by us by Quostodio app so it is limited to approximately 2 to 3 hours per day. He is allowed to game at the weekend for 3 hours ish although it is often longer. If he was let, he would stay on screens all day long. During the summer, he can game some evenings also. He has a few jobs he does. Usually has to be reminded: feed the dog, walk the dog, empty the dishwasher. In July he was involved in gym project in the garage with the whole family - clearing out the garage, painting it and putting new gym equipment together. His best friend is abroad at the moment on an exchange. He looks forward to gaming with him in the evenings as there is a time difference. He socialises mainly online.

It is hard to get ds off Gaming. He recently started playing Rainbow Six Siege Where once you start playing you get peanlties and rank can be affected. But if given a warning to turn off once game is over he will come off. This can legitimately be in 30 mins though once the game finishes often the first team to reach 5. So in theory could be up to 9 rounds.

Dh and I had both previously agreed to give DS a fair warning to wrap up gaming sessions. But last night DH demanded he turn off the console instantly while ds was in the middle of a live match. Dh said it was in the loading screen. Ds said it was actually started.

The Escalation: Expecting an immediate shutdown within seconds I feel set ds up for instant failure. When he didn't comply instantly, dh stayed in the room giving out til the match was over. I was in bed having spent evening ferrying dd to activity and asked him to get ds off the game following what i know needs to be done in order to get ds off and over the high and dopamine hit of the game.

I woke to it conpletley escalated. Dh saying he was losing 45 minutes of gaming tomorrow. This went to no gaming tomorrow, to uninstalling the game and to taking the pc out of the house altgoether. Dh definitely eacalated things. Did not hold his boundary calmly. Said ds was harrassing and judging him ('what do you do all day' kind of comments from ds). He pointed out that dh spends hours and hours every day on his phone. Dh was shouting and in his face and ds was saying he was a bully and treats the girls differently and does not give the girls such punishments.

i tired to intervene and calm the situation down. There was no calming dh down who was getting bedroom keys to lock ds in and telling me to f off and slamming doors. Eventually dh locked himself in the sittingroom downstairs and went to sleep while I comforted ds and he cried himself to sleep.

I woke up to ds telling me dh had removed all his time from his phone which i feel is vindictive. Dh says he doesn't respect him and answers him back the whole time. Last night ds was cursing at dh which is extremely rare for him and he was so dysregulated I can see why although it is not right and it needs to be addressed in a calm way after the fact.

10 year old dd was awake during it and recognised the overreaction and stepped in to tell dh he was going too far. He shouted at her that she had no scream time tomorrow.

he is now not talking to me and dh I think. Seems to be talking to dds. How he is not ashamed of himself and reflecting on this is beyond me..

This happens about twice a month always with ds and I end up trying to support a reasonable consequence and have tried on calm days to explain to dh that he is 15 with a developing brain and his push back is normal teenage behaviour and he is actually a very sweet lovely boy. What would you do in this scenario. It is a constant source of conflict between us and tbh I make no apologies standing up for ds because I think the behaviour is so unfair. I just want consequences to be porportionate. I actually feel ds did nothing wrong initially and then lost it completely and didnt shower himself in glory. But how does dh align all that with thr fact he lost his shit and behaved really badly. Aibu to expect dh to be able to regulate himself and deal calmly with his son. He is a gamer himself which I think makes it worse he doesn't understand.

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