Upset by partner's lack of effort for my 40th birthday

[FckThisShit]

It was my 40th birthday yesterday. I woke up with the baby, took her downstairs (school day for eldest) and DP had put up a banner that said happy birthday and some balloons, he bought me a box of chocolates that he usually buys me (£12) and handed me two cards, all good so far. Then he declared that he didn't do the babies card (14 months) so he got her to scribble in the card in front of me, again that's fine, I get it. Then he said he hasn't got me anything else because he didn't know what to get. Nothing from the kids, no cake (no suprise but again mentioned that he forgot) nothing.

It's upset me because I always put in so much effort into his gifts, I've kitted him out with art supplies, camera equipment, motorbike gear, random days during the year I'll get him something special, I get him thoughtful gifts from the children etc etc.

I didn't say anything at that point, just said thanks for the chocolates and kept a smile on but the longer the day went on the worse it got. I ended up taking myself out to a shopping centre and buying myself some flowers and a vase just so I had something. I sound really grabby but I'm really not, I never spend money on myself, I rarely complain about anything much and I certainly don't demand presents.

But this year I've had a tough time of it, I've done every single night with the baby on my own, most of the days too. You can probably tell where this is going. The admin, the kids, shopping, planning, driving etc etc. he goes to work and he works hard but then he comes home wrecked from his job and then goes out with the camera for hours. I barely see him and he's spent hours and hours looking at new camera lens', bought himself one and some other bits that probably cost upwards of £300 (not expensive for camera gear but we're also penny pinching atm) and he couldn't even be bothered to even try to get me something special?

It could have been a picture of the kids on a keyring or something. But nothing?

It came to a head last night, he kept asking me what was wrong so I told him, I told him I felt unseen, I was upset, that I just wanted to feel appreciated and loved for just one day, he got defensive, seemed to think that the banner was the effort required and bought up a gift he bought me 11 years ago as proof that he does make an effort?

This morning I've gone downstairs and he's taken the banner down and will barely acknowledge me other than to say how tired he is (he sleeps downstairs as the babies room is being renovated, he's dragged this out for over a year) so I've gone back to bed and left the baby with him for a while.

I don't even know why I've posted this. I know a lot of you think it's fine to not bother with birthdays but not even a token of affection on my 40th, is that really okay?

Sorry it's long, thank you if you read it.

No. That is indeed shite and you’ve every right to be upset. Book yourself a day with your pals and leave him to it. Remember this moving forward when it’s his birthday too.

meantime, Happy Birthday to you - you’re doing a great job 👏🏻

The only solution is to tell him you're disappointed and tell him what you expected, why and how he can make up for it. Otherwise, you will harbour silent resentment and your anger and other things will get worse.

FWIW, happy birthday, OP x

I did tell him. It's in the op.

I don't have any friends or close family

I didn't realise that was the end of the conversation, I thought that was said in passing earlier in the day. Anyway, I'm here to help, not argue! Have a good day today, if possible.

I’m so sorry - that is indeed SHIT … a present 11 years ago has no relevance to your 40th!!

No dinner or cake? And he spends most nights out with his camera?

My love make yours 41st the best bday present yet…. contraception and getting your ducks in a row … he is just another male doing weaponised incompetence

It is not fine to not bother with birthdays and I would be really upset as 40 is a landmark,a small suprise party or getting a sitter so he could take you to dinner would not have been out of place.

That the next day he would not speak to you and try to turn the table is childish.

Our love language are different and you did say he works hard to provide for the family.Talk to him about this so you do not sink into resentment not about not been seen but specifically how 40 is a big deal and you expected his excitement to show and all that.

Time to accept hes got no imagination and tell him exactly what you want to recieve every year from now on. Then keep reminding him over and over.
Personally can't stand performance over birthdays but it obviously means something to you. You're going to have to be explicit about what you want every single time.

It’s the half arsed “but I made an effort” lie - no, you went to a card shop and bought a banner along with cards you then forgot to write. A 40th birthday is one you think about in advance. Not the day before.

It’s not petty to reciprocate his efforts for him. Make your children’s birthdays days to remember and they will hopefully turn out less useless than your fella.

Book a spa day and leave him to look after the children.

Happy birthday

i’m sorry that was really thoughtless. i’d take myself out today, child free, and do whatever you like doing.

@FckThisShitwell make that a priority present for yourself moving forward. Time to find a social life for yourself so you have someone other than him to spoil you.

OP, Happy 40th from me. This doesn't sound like it is really about your need for fanfare on a milestone birthday but more that you are not happy generally and that your birthday has been further evidence that your needs are not being met. How do you and DH get in generally? Do you have a laugh, enjoy each other's company, spend time together? It sounds a little to me like you have forgotten each other in the trenches of meeting the needs of both children. He has retreated into his photography hobby and you are left feeling increasingly resentful about what he doesn't do.

From his perspective, there was a banner and some chocolates so he didn't ignore your birthday but it wasn't what you wanted. My DH, whilst very lively, is not good at a romantic surprise. Luckily I'm not bothered about the surprise element but we do negotiate gifts. We will, every year, discuss what we are doing for Valentine's Day. When I say discuss, I tell him well in advance that maybe we'll just go cards and I do remind him. He once failed to produce a card on the morning of V day and claimed it was Valentine's Day all day so would have something by close of business. He wouldn't do that now-he has got better. If all is going well, I'll bake him a cake.

Would it be possible to sit down with DH and, without accusing him of anything, tell him what you do want. Tell him you'd like more help and suggest on your birthday next year you will make a plan together in advance. Ask him the same question- is there anything you can reciprocate with?

Can you do something together, just the two of you, as a late birthday celebration? The fact that he put up a banner suggests he is trying but you might need to be specific about what you want. If he is willing to discuss how things could feel better for you and make changes, I think this relationship could be saved. I hope so, OP. Relationships whilst caring for a baby are not easy to do well by any stretch. Good luck.

I always put in so much effort into his gifts, I've kitted him out with art supplies, camera equipment, motorbike gear, random days during the year I'll get him something special, I get him thoughtful gifts from the children etc etc.

Stop doing these things from now on. Match his energy. And speaking of energy, make him share the getting up and running around tasks. He's getting away with it and you're doing far more of the work. Don't let it slide.

That was really shit of him and very bloody childish to take your banner down and be barely speaking to you.
I agree, leave him with the kids today and go and do something that you enjoy. Shopping? Cinema? Anything!

Why don’t you have any friends? Get those for yourself for your 40th. He’s crap and you’ll have to decide to match his energy but then eventually you might decide such a low effort relationship isn’t for you.

His defensiveness at least means he feels guilty, so he knows he OUGHT to have done more, which is a backhanded good sign.

I'd scale back a little on going quite so all out for his birthdays in future, because it looks as though he doesn't put the same value on birthdays and gifts as you do. But have a conversation about it with him beforehand - tell him that as he's clearly not as into birthdays as you are, you're not going to give it your all again. Don't make it a tit for tat thing, just make it plain that you were very disappointed, that adult birthdays are no longer going to be priorities for either of you, but that you will choose to spoil yourself next year and he can step up with the children to give you that break.

I suspect he might see that he needs to pull his finger out going forward.

This needs thinking about …

I don’t know why you’re afraid it’s unreasonable to be disappointed? It’s incredibly sad that he didn’t ensure you have a 40th birthday gift from your children - for me that would really sting.

And didn’t know what you’d want? FFS! He’s known you long enough to produce more than one child and he couldn’t make a list - pearls, wetsuit, apple trees, Kitchenaid, Selfridges voucher - and take a guess as to which category might be most your sort of thing? Pathetic.

But @FckThisShit - why don’t you have any friends? Have you recently moved to somewhere very isolated? Are you so painfully shy that you never speak to any of the other parents you must come into contact with simply through having small children? Are you so overwhelmed with responsibilities and duties that friends have fallen away? I ask not just out of curiosity but because your status as a partner and as a parent would be enhanced if your husband and children could see you as part of a supportive network. Your husband would view you with more respect (and would certainly have been quizzed as to what he planned for your 40th) and your children would grow up with a vision of you as more than a frazzled mother. And you must surely sometimes need the sort of support and favours friends offer with childrearing? If there’s a way of improving on this situation I would make some effort to do so.

He’s just not that into you. You deserve to be with someone who absolutely adores you, someone who is kind, caring, and thoughtful. You’re so generous buying him nice gifts but get nothing back? That’s not right. When you’ve got children, you need a man who is a team player. No man who truly loves and cares about you will leave you to do everything all the time - he’d want to make sure you have time to do your hobbies or just free time to do whatever you want.

A man who can’t be arsed to get you a proper gift for your 40th is a waste of space. Why wouldn’t he be excited to get you something special? He’s not the one for you.

Start slowly planning your exit from this relationship. It’s not going to get better. I promise there are better men out there who will treat you like you treat this idiot!

Thats a bit shitty of him op, some people/men are just thoughtless. Did he say anything about the vase & flowers you bought yourself?
You have our permission to take yourself out for the day and do whatever you want
Happy belated birthday 🌺

To answer a few point. I don't have friends because I was very sick in my 20s and lost my friend base, I then moved a distance away (abusive mother) and met dp. He has had struggles in the past, depression , anxiety etc and I basically became a carer for him at one point whilst raising our DD (11 now). I had a few friends through work but I had to leave after the baby as they needed me to return full time and I couldn't get enough childcare cover it, he doesn't drive so it's all on me to do unless something is in walking distance. I'm trying really hard to get a new job and when DD starts nursery which should be April, I want to train in something to get a proper career.

Our relationship isn't the best but we have a mortgage with high repayments and I can't afford it by myself. I can't lose the house as the schools are on the doorstep as are elder dds friends and she has had her own struggles, I can't move her from this situation now she's actually settled.

I just want him to put some effort into me that's all.

There’s a double sadness to this. One, that he made so little effort for an milestone birthday and two, that when you shared it hurt you, he was defensive and he didn’t try to make things any better, so he let you down again.

You're not being grabby or unreasonable to expect more effort. The birthday ‘standard’ of a card, cake and balloons would have been the minimum and would have needed little effort or imagination.Of course, even better would be taking some time to understand and know you well enough that he could think of something you'd really appreciate.

I'd just ask him how he’d feel the other way around. Just say ‘honestly, imagine you wake up on your 40th birthday and it's identical to mine, how would that feel?’ If he says he’d be happy - great. You know how to make him ‘happy’ next birthday.

I'm sorry this happened though and happy birthday!

Better still, have another spa day without him on his birthday!

has he already had his 40th birthday or is that still to come?

My (female) partner and I always discuss what's going to happen on our birthdays. We've been together for 27 years now, so we've run out of 'big surprise' presents and tend to ask or tell each other what we'd like. There will usually be a couple of 'bits' that we don't know are coming (my birthday is next week and I know exaxctly what my 'main' present is because I asked for it. I would've bought it myself - but we recognise each other's birthdays, so this makes it easier on the other partner.

My suggestion is that rather than rehashing the complaint, you sit down with him - be really positive - and agree a 'Christmas and birthday plan' for the future. Some people are fantastic gift givers - you are clearly one of these, OP - and some are, frankly, crap at it. Give him a framework to avoid a disappointing event in future - and say "On my birthday, I'd like to go to (name of restaurant)/get a nice takeaway/whatever."

I think you need to be very very clear about what you might want as a present. And not hope he will guess what you might like.