Need an appropriate comeback for ageist comments

[orangemapleleaves]

I have been at my current job for one year after a long time at home with kids/freelance.

My digital skills are fine but not my strongest point though fine - I'm not a digital native though. I have a younger colleague who constantly comments on them and on her relative youth in general. She's the kind of person who will always point out that she "wasn't even born then" if you mention some aspect of popular culture.

I find it tedious and but manage to brush it off. However this morning I realised I want it to stop and would like some options to calmly and firmly shut it down.

She needs to learn anyway as she's just starting out in the workplace that making her colleagues feel old and stupid is not wise if she wants to progress.

She was standing over me as I opened a PDF. My other colleague, who is maybe 30, opened hers and it was upside down. Younger colleague showed her how to correct it (tiny arrow on screen, helpful to have it point it out.)

I opened same upside down PDF and younger colleague showed me the arrow, but said "Oh every single time I come over here I have to show you the simplest things, it's the same with my mum!"

For some reason this time it gave me the absolute rage. I could barely look at her and I'm sure she noticed as I'm usually very friendly but I'm over it - I have a lot of experience, I am good at what I do and I don't like being patronised by some pipsqueak who I have helped quite a lot.

This thread is fascinating. I'm old. I remember when more senior men had it as a badge of honour to not know this sort of stuff. Knowing how machines worked - especially the photocopier - was below their pay grade; it was for females / underlings.

Tell her not to confuse history with memory.

She wasn’t around at the Battle of Hastings, but she’s still aware of it.

I’d go with “sorry, what did you just day?” And then see her squirm when she has to repeat it. If and when she does, pause for a moment and politely remind her that ageism is discrimination, unlawful and potentially an HR escalation and you don’t anticipate any further comments around your age or competency.

”that making her colleagues feel old and stupid is not wise if she wants to progress.”

literally say this to her! I’m sure she won’t realise how its making you feel, doesn’t have to be in a confrontational way. My DD is always having to show me how to do tech stuff and tells me I’m an idiot in a family/jokey way, but she needs to learn that how you’d talk to your mum isn't how you talk to colleagues. You’ll be doing her a favour!

Because he had a view women were inferior possibly due to him being Pakistani. And Daily Mail readers can be perceived as being racist by some cultures.

The saying she wasn't born then or was still in primary school then isn't a problem but she does say it a lot, whenever anything from longer than 10 years ago comes up in conversation, and it does get tedious.

The jumping on my computer/hovering behind me waiting to see me hesitate/make a mistake and then talk loudly about how she has to show me the most simple things and I'm like her mum was highly irritating.

I haven't started snapping or calling her ageist, but her behaviour is ageist. And while she is inexperienced, she's not 15, and is also old enough to know better. We're adults, in a workplace.

“I’d rather be old than be a fourpenny whore.”

It really need to be clearly emphasised that agism is discrimination and bullying. Many people are blind to agism and think it’s is fine to make derogatory comments about age.

they wouldn’t comment ‘ I’ve never been to Africa!’ If they were hearing a chat about something in Africa.. because they have learned to be respectful, not offering scorn or dismissal to things outside their realm.

the toxicity of agism is epidemic and still largely unconscious and invisible.

I'm sorry but why the fuck can't you put this kid in her place

Surely your death stare would work?

Or a 'get to fuck, you little bitch' with a timely growl??

She's walking all over you

My digital skills are fine but not my strongest point though fine
This is the problem: you are feeling vulnerable and therefore defensive. Change your mindset.
Appear grateful for the intervention and start praising her for being "your own personal IT helpdesk". She'll soon get fed up of being belittled described as that.

Your digital skills are fine. All you need to do is just type your problem into YouTube (or MN) and - ta dah! - you are as tech-savvy as Ms Helpdesk.

Yes be careful you aren't fighting one end of ageism with the other - derogatory comments about her age and inexperience are just as bad.
Age discrimination isn't there just for the older employees it applies to everyone. Try speaking to her like an equal and explain why what she said upset you - if she doesn't listen and you are still feeling upset then raise it further.

You haven’t address the fact you are struggle with basic skills needed for your job, she is clumsily reminding you that you are continuously needed help to do simple tasks.

You could always ask for a course to update your digital skills. You could come back better trained than her.

This would wind me up. How many times is she watching you expecting you to make a mistake and then make a comment?

I was lucky in my role where I had to do pdfs and other tech stuff my close colleagues helped me and showed me what to do. It meant they could pass work onto me, all above board. There were no snarky comments either. Mind you I’ve trained older colleagues on IT packages before and I just train like how I’ve been taught, patient and ask me questions if need be. This meant I always got good feedback from colleagues on this. If I made stupid comments especially ageist this would work against me and I’d look like a dick.

Don’t hover over my shoulder Courtney, it’s irritating.

Also if she does do something, as she opens her mouth to speak say ‘Stop! We can all help each other here without ageist comments, thank you.’.

As someone who probably used to be a bit like your annoying colleague when I was in my early-mid twenties, I am now mortified that I used to say things like “I wasn’t born then” probably more than I should have. I would never have made fun of someone or called them out loudly though, that’s just so rude.

Now that I’m older, I appreciate that it’s not really all that important if someone can edit a PDF or not (who gives a shit?), and it’s much more important to have experience, tact, people skills, be able to read the room as a manager etc etc.

I think I’d just say something like: “Well, we’re all good at different things, wouldn’t it be boring if we all had the same skills? We are a team and we help each other out, that’s the point.”

The OP knew how to do it.

Report to HR and let them deal with it.

Goodness the voice of reason. She's being annoying, she doesn't need telling to fuck off FGS. I do wonder how some people on here manage to work as part of a team.

Do you like having teeth?
If you want to keep them
Stfu.
Joking I know we can't say things like that.

How do so many people on this site lack basic reading comprehension?
The OP did not need help rotating the PDF.
The bullying colleague forced unneeded help on her and passed a comment (after helping someone else).
Isn't bullying junior an EDI native as well as a digital native?

Or maybe speak to the colleague like a human being, then their manager - what has HR to do with it?

Would you say the same to someone experiencing racism or sexism or homophobia?

I’m a senior line manager, dealt with many grievances etc. In my experience it’s more common that older women are ageist towards younger women rather than the other way around. I’ve seen some nasty pieces of work within that dynamic. If I heard OP’s complaint as a manager, I’d be minded to support the younger colleague. I don’t see a valid complaint here against her.

However if OP tried to lecture the younger colleague about “ageism”, I’d see a valid complaint against OP as taking it upon herself to confront the colleague is likely going to create tension and what stems from that isn’t going to be a healthy working relationship going forward. It’s going to escalate.

If OP genuinely has an issue here, that isn’t rooted in jealousy or insecurities, then OP should bring it to her line manager and get them to decide what action to take. Surely that is common sense, as it protects OP.

I’m a senior line manager ... If I heard OP’s complaint as a manager, I’d be minded to support the younger colleague ... In my experience it’s more common that older women are ageist
I see from your previous post that you are in your 20s.
Are you sure that you are impartial in handling ageism complaints?