Need an appropriate comeback for ageist comments

[orangemapleleaves]

I have been at my current job for one year after a long time at home with kids/freelance.

My digital skills are fine but not my strongest point though fine - I'm not a digital native though. I have a younger colleague who constantly comments on them and on her relative youth in general. She's the kind of person who will always point out that she "wasn't even born then" if you mention some aspect of popular culture.

I find it tedious and but manage to brush it off. However this morning I realised I want it to stop and would like some options to calmly and firmly shut it down.

She needs to learn anyway as she's just starting out in the workplace that making her colleagues feel old and stupid is not wise if she wants to progress.

She was standing over me as I opened a PDF. My other colleague, who is maybe 30, opened hers and it was upside down. Younger colleague showed her how to correct it (tiny arrow on screen, helpful to have it point it out.)

I opened same upside down PDF and younger colleague showed me the arrow, but said "Oh every single time I come over here I have to show you the simplest things, it's the same with my mum!"

For some reason this time it gave me the absolute rage. I could barely look at her and I'm sure she noticed as I'm usually very friendly but I'm over it - I have a lot of experience, I am good at what I do and I don't like being patronised by some pipsqueak who I have helped quite a lot.

I think sarcasm would be me ? “Oh I just didn’t know that! Why how kind you are to little old me. What would I do without you “

oh just “yes dear “
in a very bored voice

Some of these suggested replies are far more unprofessional than what the younger colleague is saying. I’d go with something like, “Maddie, you’ve made your views about my age and tech skills clear a few times now. I think any more comments might cross the line into being unprofessional.” In a pleasant enough tone that it’s direct but not overly uncomfortable.

I’ve had one woman carry on about my age. Ten years difference I’m talking here too. Other times, the youngest members would say, “I was in high school then,” when someone talks about a date in the past. Yawn -no one cares! I bet in a few years they will start getting such comments. It’ll all cycle around.

In the meantime, I suggest to use ChatGPT for your quick questions and if that woman makes more comments, I would not respond. Just turn back to your computer and put on headphones or something. Block her out. But if it continues I would talk to a manager first. Why should you have to have the awkward, weird conversation? Let your manager handle it.

Edit: Typo

Just tell her
theres no need for some dramatic stand off

tell her you don’t know if its intentional or not but you are finding to constant reference to her youth . Give examples offensive and wearing

I may have a chat to the HR manager at some point, if it continues. She's very switched on.

The colleague managed not to say anything unprofessional today so I'm going to give her the benefit of the doubt but be more direct about not needing her commentary on my digital skills going forward.

It's a great job in other ways and I'm lucky to have it but office dynamics and working closely with people every day is not always easy, that's for sure.

I think you've missed the bit where OP didn't actually ask for help, the colleague just assumed she'd need it.

I'd point it out and explain why ageism is not only not okay, but could constitute bullying and harassment of a protected characteristic in the workplace.

And give similar examples of what would she think or how would she feel if someone said that about younger workers, or directed to the sex of a worker or their ethnicity or disability.

This!

pretty much completely off topic, but I HATE when contestants on quiz shows go 'before my time' or 'I wasn't born then' about a question.

YOU volunteered to go on a GENERAL KNOWLEDGE show!

The sinking of the Titanic was before my time but I've still heard of it!

I’d say ‘Face it girl, I’m older and I’ve got more insurance’ and let her work out where that comes from…

People always confuse history with memory, and my autistic ass can’t help putting them straight!

What the OP needs is me to bore her cheeky colleague to tears with my examples. 😉
That would stop her!

At what age do you start getting offended by statements from someone younger who says before my time and I wasn't even born then or compares you to their mum?

Unfortunately, she'll be the one crying 😢 to HR if this is said.

Depends how much relative power you actually have.

If you have lots and she doesn’t recognise it, go direct: “do you want me as a friend here, or an enemy?”

All other HR suggestions, clever pass ag stuff is a bit playground.

Obviously if you don’t have the power to pull that off then don’t try it.

I'd ignore her tbh.
If you go to HR you are putting yourself on their radar which I would avoid personally. They act in the company's best interest, not yours.
She'll keep doing it if she's getting a reaction and will stop if not.

Absolutely pisses me off that ageism seems to be perfectly acceptable in the workplace. I’m only 9 years older than my colleague and he is always commenting on my age, he makes me feel like I’m 90 😆😆 he even referred to me as mom on one occasion, I had to point out the 9 year gap isn’t as large as he seems to think 🤣🤣
so go on call her out on it.

Exactly this. I say similar to stupid comments like that.

She sounds like an annoying twat. I’d probably just accept to myself that she is annoying and ignore her .

I would have simply said ‘back in my day baby girl, a slipper would have been wrapped around your backside for speaking to an elder like that’ give her the dreaded mum look and eyeballed her as I went to make a brew.

I'd have a 1st pass at a comment pointing out what she's saying, giving her the benefit of a doubt and then if she hasn't learned to reel herself in and does it again, then I'd bring up ageism, bullying and having to go to HR.
I also think it's good to bring up sexism and racism being in the same category as ageism. Chances are she will back down as she's a bit of a bully, and confronting/pushing back will probably shut her down.

🤣

🤣

‘You do realise that making people feel stupid will make you very disliked? You’re not a genius for knowing something that I could have just googled.’

I'd start any convos with I know I'm old enough to know better but ....

Heavens, don’t say this. This just turns it into two women being ageist to each other. you shouldn’t comment on her youth at all.

Just say clearly that you think her comments are inappropriate. If she carries on, it’s one for HR.