Need an appropriate comeback for ageist comments

[orangemapleleaves]

I have been at my current job for one year after a long time at home with kids/freelance.

My digital skills are fine but not my strongest point though fine - I'm not a digital native though. I have a younger colleague who constantly comments on them and on her relative youth in general. She's the kind of person who will always point out that she "wasn't even born then" if you mention some aspect of popular culture.

I find it tedious and but manage to brush it off. However this morning I realised I want it to stop and would like some options to calmly and firmly shut it down.

She needs to learn anyway as she's just starting out in the workplace that making her colleagues feel old and stupid is not wise if she wants to progress.

She was standing over me as I opened a PDF. My other colleague, who is maybe 30, opened hers and it was upside down. Younger colleague showed her how to correct it (tiny arrow on screen, helpful to have it point it out.)

I opened same upside down PDF and younger colleague showed me the arrow, but said "Oh every single time I come over here I have to show you the simplest things, it's the same with my mum!"

For some reason this time it gave me the absolute rage. I could barely look at her and I'm sure she noticed as I'm usually very friendly but I'm over it - I have a lot of experience, I am good at what I do and I don't like being patronised by some pipsqueak who I have helped quite a lot.

I agree.
Saying you weren’t born yet isn’t ageist at all.

I also have much older colleagues saying things like they weren’t even born yet.

The oldest member of our team said it the other day because we were shown a video that was obviously very old and outdated.
They all said that I wouldn’t have been born yet, then several of the others said they wouldn’t have been born yet and then the oldest colleague looked it up and said he hadn’t even been born yet - we all laughed for ages.

So it’s definitely not an ageist thing.

It's agist for her to correct the mistake on her younger colleague's PDF then when she corrects the identical mistake on OP's she says she always has to help her, just like her mum! Same tech issue - only the older colleague gets teased for it and equated to her mum.

That said, she may think 'just like my mum' is a friendly thing to say, likening a colleague to a family member might be seen as affectionate.

"Oh every single time I come over here I have to show you the simplest things, it's the same with my mum!"

To which you reply, ‘Your mum taught you how to use a spoon’

Depending on what she's like, she will probably think you're being sensitive and pathetic for calling her out. You're not - at all - but I know some people like this and they would be straight off taking the piss if an older woman stood up for herself with factual statements about ageism being illegal. It's problematic.

You could say " I'm not young enough to know everything...I'm sure glad you children know it all"

No it’s not.

No where does OP say she is called insulting names like you’re suggesting she’d be called a baby which is an insulting term. Saying someone is like a mum is not an insulting term.

I have been likened to staff members kids loads but I don’t think they’re being ageist towards me at all.
I also tend to mother people and have been called a mother hen loads, even though I am the youngest.
We tend to have a lot of banter in our team though.

And yes if someone is brand new then you should expect them not to know things and likely comment on it because it’s obvious, especially if you’re having to constantly help them.
It should be up to management to be training them and not leaving them to feel lost and embarrassed.

You’re saying that OP is sensitive because of her age and lack of skills, which I agree with and which is why I think the colleague is not being intentionally rude and a gentle word from OP is better than being rude, especially when it seems OP and other colleagues need her help.

I think your posts are full of comments about her age. I get that you are reacting to a situation but if she was ten years older and did and said the same thing would it bother you? Can’t you just say “don’t say that it makes me feel a bit crap” and move on? It sounds like she helps lots of people with their IT stuff. Presumably while not useful unsolicited it is helpful some of the time? If not just say “I’d prefer to work it out myself, I find I remember it more easily then”.

I’d stop everything and look at her dead straight when she does it the next time and say - Could you please repeat what you just said? And then say - Careful. What you are doing is called ageism. Let her swallow it. And don’t be to friendly with her- protect your boundaries. She thinks she can have a ball at your expense- no thanks, f..ck off.

Not quite the same but when I was sort of called a Karen (Daily Mail reader) I said any more talk like that and I’ll speak to my manager. They both (young males, one Asian) shut up and didn’t say it again. I don’t think they expected me to say anything!

I agree with don’t be friendly to her. I would say something along of the lines of that’s a rude ageist comment. If it carried on I’d go straight to my manager/HR. She’d soon stop then.

I always go for the deeply inappropriate: "I've shown your mum a few things myself in my time, Courtney!"

That's why I'm self-employed

I think it probably is worth doing an IT course though op because being able to rotate a PDF is pretty basic skills

I wouldn't approach this with a comeback. I would have a nice, quiet talk with the person about her comments.

Not sure why 1 being Asian has anything to do with you being called a daily mail reader.

I have read all the offers of advice below but this one is still the best.

Quoting DEI and inclusion, give over.
Pulling her to the side, nah she’s a young girl and doesn’t have the benefit of experience and wisdom.

What this poster has said is funny, asserts your position whilst not destroying her for something she probably doesn’t realise is hurtful.

It would possibly be taken that way. She talks a lot about rage baiting her older sibling about his age so she's possibly carrying that behaviour into the workplace without realising it's unprofessional.

I try also to bear in mind that my dc would not make crass comments. They weren't brought up that way. @orangemapleleaves this member of staff may not have been as well parented as your own dc. When I hear what some of mybteam tell me, I often think I'd like to kick some of their parents up their backsides.

it's the sighing and the twatty "have to show you this stuff like my mum" but your selective reading ignored that bit.

A couple of comments about having seen "oasis back in the day" being greeted by the "i wasn't born then" is fine. Once or twice. If you are constantly having someone roll their eyes at how they "have to keep showing you stuff like my mum" would make my slapping hand twitchy, tbh. Especially if there are things that she is relying on OP to show her.

I find some of your comments ageist too - against her youth, that she is 'just starting out in the workplace and needs to learn'

She has her skills, you have yours.

She needs to learn some things and you also need to learn some things.

This is just minor 'getting along with each other stuff' - saying you'll involve HR is a sledgehammer and feels threatening.

Try not to focus on her youth and she might stop focusing on your age.

so she is starting out in the workplace and knows everything? yeah.

But people new to the workplace do need to learn workplace norms! It’s a no-brainer, surely!

I’m in my 20s and I don’t see anything wrong with her saying she wasn’t born if you’re discussing references she doesn’t understand. There’s nothing rude about that.

I think you need to stop asking her for help and stop accepting help from her. If someone unnecessarily comes up to my work device, I would lock it and not unlock it until they leave. I would not give them full control to do whatever under the guise of being helpful. If the other person wants help then fair enough, but it’s not a team deal where the whole office needs to be helped.

Maybe it would just be more useful if she sent a message in the group chat with instructions so people learn themselves for next time, if that’s helpful. I would lean more into this approach instead of confronting her.

Frankly, I think if you start snapping at her and calling her ageist, you would look worse in this dynamic. Her actions can be explained by inexperience, your actions would just be attributed to being a bully bc you’re old enough to know better.

@Whooo - I think @orangemapleleaves can address this issue without ‘snapping’. As @SirChenjins suggested, a quiet chat to point out that ageism like this is not acceptable in the workplace is very different to snapping at someone.

I think so too. It says, you know about PDFs but I have skills that you can't even guess at - don't underestimate me! It gets the point across succinctly.

"Does your Mum find you irritating as hell as well?"