Need an appropriate comeback for ageist comments

[orangemapleleaves]

I have been at my current job for one year after a long time at home with kids/freelance.

My digital skills are fine but not my strongest point though fine - I'm not a digital native though. I have a younger colleague who constantly comments on them and on her relative youth in general. She's the kind of person who will always point out that she "wasn't even born then" if you mention some aspect of popular culture.

I find it tedious and but manage to brush it off. However this morning I realised I want it to stop and would like some options to calmly and firmly shut it down.

She needs to learn anyway as she's just starting out in the workplace that making her colleagues feel old and stupid is not wise if she wants to progress.

She was standing over me as I opened a PDF. My other colleague, who is maybe 30, opened hers and it was upside down. Younger colleague showed her how to correct it (tiny arrow on screen, helpful to have it point it out.)

I opened same upside down PDF and younger colleague showed me the arrow, but said "Oh every single time I come over here I have to show you the simplest things, it's the same with my mum!"

For some reason this time it gave me the absolute rage. I could barely look at her and I'm sure she noticed as I'm usually very friendly but I'm over it - I have a lot of experience, I am good at what I do and I don't like being patronised by some pipsqueak who I have helped quite a lot.

I'm going to give her the benefit of the doubt, and imagine she thinks she's being funny and this is just office banter with colleagues she feels comfortable with. This is her youth and inexperience talking. I'd wait till it's just the two of you, ask her if she has a minute for a chat, and then tell her (in your own words - trying to learn a script never works well) that the comments she's been making about your age and abilities constitutes ageism. It's not only offensive and hurtful, it's also not appropriate for the workplace and could be reported to HR if it carries on. Then tell her that colleagues should be able to ask for help from each other without being judged or belittled, and you want to agree that it stops now.

I wouldn’t go for a ‘comeback’ comment. You need to tell her clearly what she is going wrong, why you don’t like it and what she needs to do about it. Crystal clear is the way to go. Don’t hint or do anything other than be completely direct.
Tell her she is being rude and patronizing and that you don’t like it and you want her to stop. You can shit-sandwich it if you want. 😅

Presumably then it's also ageism for a bunch of older adults to discuss cultural references that a younger person wouldn't be aware of due to their age?

We have a really broad range of ages in our team and all get on well and I'm baffled by the idea I should be upset by someone saying they weren't born then if I make a cultural reference to something from a long time ago. It's just a fact.

If your digital skills are fine what is she commenting on?

Yes, and follow it with "it's not a rhetorical question. "

I'm 65. I regularly ask members of my team to help with newer digital stuff that is beyond me, because I don't usually do admin stuff and am not soendong hours working out how to amend a microsoft teams form or how to upload somethingbon the new portal. However, I also help them with formulas on their whizzy spreadsheets that I couldn't begin to construct - because it doesn't matter what they look like if the calculation is wrong. Because I have secure foundatuon skills I can - I never relied on technology at 20 because it didn't exist.

They come to me for advice relating to employment law and how to draft and put an argument.

Occsionally there will be a comme t about bloody boomers like their parents and I just say "oh yes, those bloody boomers, who will leave you their house". That soon shuts them up.

Mostly they respect my knowledge and experience and I am trying to pass it on but do find they don't research and provide solutions to work issues.

Age is one of the nine protected characteristics under the Equality Act 2010 in Britain, covering people of all ages. It prohibits unfair treatment, harassment, or victimisation in employment, education, and services based on a person’s age or age group.

Clearly it's the "every time I come over I have to show you how to do things, it's the same as my mum" which is really inappropriate and belittling.

Set against the background of her (not OP) commenting how young she is "I wasn't even born then!"

Paints a picture of someone perhaps immature who is trying some "office banter" and getting it really wrong. She is upsetting OP.

She is a pain and you've lots of ideas here to deal with her. I'd probably initially be a bit jokey rather than go in heavy unless that's really needed.

It's probably extra annoying for you with the age thing, but I've often had this without much of an age difference from people who just want to show off, make me feel slow or stupid or whatever their aim is. Who knows?

Let's also be clear that would apply to picking on somebody because they are young.

Which could include constant references to popular culture which they wouldn't be able to understand due to their youth

It swings both ways. I'm not young but I have never felt I need to be unpleasant or chippy with young people. Them saying they weren't born at the time of a TV show or similar it's not something to be offended by it's just a fact.

I'd leave it, you with have strengths and weaknesses but it seems as though you're jealous that she's computer literate and you're not.

This^
with comebacks you might cross the line yourself or at least give this impression. I would go for calm and polite approach pointing out that her comments were not appropriate at the workplace.

Don’t say anything (“nasty”, “moronic”) that could be twisted / quoted to HR.

I’d lean into the ageism thing.

“Everyone in the workplace occasionally shows other people how to do something. Just like the other day I showed you xxx. You are repeatedly putting everything I am not expert in down to my age. Ageism is a DEI issue and illegal in the workplace.

How about

Yes I am rusty on some of the ICT skills these days as I had a few enjoyable decades talking and meeting people in real life, rather than through a 6 inch screen with emojis and avatars.

🤣

I did end up saying to one such colleague 'I'm not your fucking mother'.

My irritation this morning did coincide with a particularly hectic school morning due to a particular hectic weekend of kids, teens and elderly parents so I was in no mood to be compared to anyone's mother, it was a Monday morning and I just wanted to get to work. She timed it badly.

I think this is my preferred approach. She's inexperienced, she's just starting out and she doesn't know what she doesn't know (mostly it's a privilege to get old, I have a few friends who would have loved to get to my age).

Ooh no, I prefer humour and sarcasm. Juvenile, moi?

How is saying “I wasn’t even born yet” ageist?
Its not.

I think you’re sounding a little sensitive and perhaps taking things more personal.

It does sound as though she’s having to help people out a lot which obviously takes time from her own work.

You’ve not said anything that sounds intentionally rude.

I am the youngest staff member and happen to be the IT tech, so everyone asks me anything IT related.
The older woman are not good at computers because they just haven’t used them much and so I help them the most.
(The older men all work in IT)

But they’re always the ones who make jokes about their age and lack of IT skills, I tend to just laugh or reassure but I personally don’t see the comments as ageist towards myself or their colleagues.
But I do wonder if your colleague has worked with women like this and so it’s normal to have this banter.

You haven’t given good examples so it’s difficult to know what you can come back with but as it seems you and others need her help and she’s not being intentionally rude, then I wouldn’t be rude back.

Perhaps just a simple - it makes me feel a bit rubbish when I don’t know how to do something and so I appreciate you not bringing up my age or lack of skills.

I’d be gentle … the first time. Yes it really shows the value of different experiences and ages in the workplace. You help me with x and I help you with Y. That’s why the firm is clear that having all types of people and age groups is a positive and why we all value each other … or similar gentle stuff. If she doesn’t take the hint, that’s the time to get fiercer.

Yeah me too - with a smile but still ‘fuck off Doris’

No. It’s the same as constantly saying to a new starter a bit sensitive about their newness youth and lack of experience’ oh, you haven’t done that before? You’re completely lost aren’t you? You’re such a baby etc etc ? Oh well… etc etc’.

Neither is appropriate

"The difference is that I would manage to navigate this world if the Internet went down and a solar solar storm blew out the GPS. "

She might not have been born then, but that's sad for her. She's missed out on all the fun and the free education and buying her own flat for peanuts...you feel really sorry for her!