Need an appropriate comeback for ageist comments

[orangemapleleaves]

I have been at my current job for one year after a long time at home with kids/freelance.

My digital skills are fine but not my strongest point though fine - I'm not a digital native though. I have a younger colleague who constantly comments on them and on her relative youth in general. She's the kind of person who will always point out that she "wasn't even born then" if you mention some aspect of popular culture.

I find it tedious and but manage to brush it off. However this morning I realised I want it to stop and would like some options to calmly and firmly shut it down.

She needs to learn anyway as she's just starting out in the workplace that making her colleagues feel old and stupid is not wise if she wants to progress.

She was standing over me as I opened a PDF. My other colleague, who is maybe 30, opened hers and it was upside down. Younger colleague showed her how to correct it (tiny arrow on screen, helpful to have it point it out.)

I opened same upside down PDF and younger colleague showed me the arrow, but said "Oh every single time I come over here I have to show you the simplest things, it's the same with my mum!"

For some reason this time it gave me the absolute rage. I could barely look at her and I'm sure she noticed as I'm usually very friendly but I'm over it - I have a lot of experience, I am good at what I do and I don't like being patronised by some pipsqueak who I have helped quite a lot.

Absolutely. Short and to the point.

And go to HR (with records you've kept of her comments) if she doesn't shut up

'Thanks for showing me what to do, it's appreciated, but be aware that certain comments can come across as rude & patronising us old folk isn't a good look, & some might take offence to it'

What makes you think HR would see “Shut up about my age or I'll report you to HR” as a reasonable way to address colleagues?

god, I hope OP takes the shit advice on this thread and gets in hot water. You’re winding her up and suggesting shit that makes her look worse.

Just make eye contact and say "age and guile will always win over youth and inexperience". They will get the point.

I just don't think this is the situation for a witty comeback, in the event you need to raise it further, that witty comeback (usually at the expense of her age and inexperience) will likely go against you. Be the grown-up in the room, handle it like you have some dignity to go with your advanced years and tell her politely that you feel she is being ageist. There's no need for anything else. If she continues with the comments escalate it.

I’d do it slightly differently and make it about her. She’s doing it to get a dopamine hit ie a little bit of pleasure so I’d ask her about that. What’s your intent when you liken me to your mum and keep mentioning how young you are? What’s your intent with those comments?”I would imagine she does it with lots of different colleagues, it’s to make herself feel better. So the other one could be “you seem to really enjoy making x comment, why is that”.

No, she’s not making people feel anything, she’s not that powerful. We create our own feelings. If I was her I’d say Jesus your self confidence must be on the floor if a stupid comment can make you feel stupid. I’d also be pleased id got to you so easily .

when i say i , not me personally as im old but depending on her personality she may love the fact she’s got to people. I

"Its the same with my mum"
You patronise your mum too?

What's wrong with saying 'shut up' to someone who's going out of their way to be unpleasant?
Harsh: yes
Swearing: no

Update: so today she came over to ask me something LinkedIn related and commented again on my digital skills (I was navigating at non-lightning speed but there was obviously a lot of pressure with this thread on my mind) anyway she made a comment along the lines of 'oh my god your digital skills are so funny, click on THAT' and I said "My digital skills are actually fine.' And asked her about her skills with a particular program, which I know aren't great as I can see what she does. And then said, "I don't want comments."

She then paused for a moment, and THEN said, "Oh my God, look how many tabs you've got..." but then, miraculously, stopped herself from saying more (I do have a lot of tabs open).

So I think she got the point and managed to rein herself in.

As she was leaving, because I didn't want to her go home feeling bad (she is very young and still learning and I can help her) I asked her which of a few good projects I had on offer she wanted and she told me and I gave it to her, thus ending on a positive note and also reminding her subtly that I help her with her career and give her interesting work.

So it was fine. In the end I just went with what came out of my mouth in the moment and kept it civil. We all have to learn. I will pull her up on any ageism whatsoever in future but i have to do it in a way that leaves no room for her to feel I'm being unfair or a "Karen."

When will we ever see the end of using the name Karen in a derogatory manner!🙄

I know... I hate it too.

While some of the suggestions for retorts are very unprofessional as you say why do you want the OP use them and get into hot water? I hope that was a typo. Otherwise what is so wrong with you that you want someone who is asking for advice and hasn't been nasty to get into the shit at work?

😂 😂 😂

What makes you think it’s an unreasonable thing to say? Are we minimising ageism here? If a colleague was making racist remarks, I think most people would excuse a tetchy response of ‘shut up about my race or I’ll report you to HR’. If that would be ok, why should it be different for ageism?

Of course if you don’t think it’s ageism in the first place, then that’s different and you should say so. But you didn’t say that, you took issue with the reasonableness of the proposed response.

love this. Also OP will probs lose her at "guile..."

It isn't witty it isn't intended to be, it's a warning to be careful , it's fully adult.
You believe taking out downs gives you dignity,good luck.

I would go in a very different direction. Book a meeting and have a proper chat. If you are a feminist (and I am and have had this conversation) I would point out that her comments are directed to an older woman and she has been conditioned to see wisdom in women as an issue. You can work together, with her using her up to date skills and you using the experience and wisdom of years in the field.

But ultimately, the message is 'being patronising and unkind to older women will bite you back harder'. And for her to have a think about that.

I mentor the younger women where I work, many of whom are making the mistakes of youth and patriarchy. They think they are winning because they are young and gorgeous so men pretend to listen to them. It behooves those of us who were them to teach them.

Hat's off. You did better than I probably would have. Though it might depend in how generous I was feeling at the time. She sounds very young and naive, not the brightest, with a bit of "Mean Girls" thrown in. Or she may just be an A/H. Perhaps never seen women older than her in higher positions. But who knows what utter crap she's been fed. I like MrsTerryPrachett's response.

Op, I have read your update and think you handled that calmly and reasonably. The way you ended things on a positive was a good move. She sounds immature and thoughtless rather than deliberately malicious. Hopefully she will reflect, develop a bit more self-awareness and stop the rude comments.

She might be young, but she has all the hallmarks of an insufferable cunt.

I confused you - sorry about that! I wasn't referring to your post when I mentioned witty comebacks.😀

She’s young and naive. Take her to a private space and let her know that her behavior is out of line and what could happen if she doesn’t correct it. Not in a mean way but an educational way. If that doesn’t work, report her.

But you used it!

I used it in quote marks, meaning that's what she will call me. I hate it and how it's used to silence women and I don't let my kids say it either.