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Need an appropriate comeback for ageist comments

175 replies

orangemapleleaves · 16/02/2026 09:30

I have been at my current job for one year after a long time at home with kids/freelance.

My digital skills are fine but not my strongest point though fine - I'm not a digital native though. I have a younger colleague who constantly comments on them and on her relative youth in general. She's the kind of person who will always point out that she "wasn't even born then" if you mention some aspect of popular culture.

I find it tedious and but manage to brush it off. However this morning I realised I want it to stop and would like some options to calmly and firmly shut it down.

She needs to learn anyway as she's just starting out in the workplace that making her colleagues feel old and stupid is not wise if she wants to progress.

She was standing over me as I opened a PDF. My other colleague, who is maybe 30, opened hers and it was upside down. Younger colleague showed her how to correct it (tiny arrow on screen, helpful to have it point it out.)

I opened same upside down PDF and younger colleague showed me the arrow, but said "Oh every single time I come over here I have to show you the simplest things, it's the same with my mum!"

For some reason this time it gave me the absolute rage. I could barely look at her and I'm sure she noticed as I'm usually very friendly but I'm over it - I have a lot of experience, I am good at what I do and I don't like being patronised by some pipsqueak who I have helped quite a lot.

OP posts:
orangemapleleaves · 19/02/2026 12:41

MrsTerryPratchett · 18/02/2026 15:22

I would go in a very different direction. Book a meeting and have a proper chat. If you are a feminist (and I am and have had this conversation) I would point out that her comments are directed to an older woman and she has been conditioned to see wisdom in women as an issue. You can work together, with her using her up to date skills and you using the experience and wisdom of years in the field.

But ultimately, the message is 'being patronising and unkind to older women will bite you back harder'. And for her to have a think about that.

I mentor the younger women where I work, many of whom are making the mistakes of youth and patriarchy. They think they are winning because they are young and gorgeous so men pretend to listen to them. It behooves those of us who were them to teach them.

This is a very good take and I am going to remember it. Yes it's quite incredible when you get a bit of experience and wisdom and realise just how little some men actually cared for you, or how much their approval was dependent on your compliance. Part of me wants to mentor her, and I have tried, but I suspect she's not happy within the organisation in general and may leave soon anyway.

OP posts:
MrsTerryPratchett · 19/02/2026 13:59

orangemapleleaves · 19/02/2026 12:41

This is a very good take and I am going to remember it. Yes it's quite incredible when you get a bit of experience and wisdom and realise just how little some men actually cared for you, or how much their approval was dependent on your compliance. Part of me wants to mentor her, and I have tried, but I suspect she's not happy within the organisation in general and may leave soon anyway.

If she's unhappy she may be doing the teenage thing of rejecting in order to create enough friction to leave. You'll have to decide how much effort it's worth before she goes!

ellyeth · 19/02/2026 16:16

I would just say "can you give it a rest please".

senua · 19/02/2026 16:20

Part of me wants to mentor her
Why? What's with all the #BeKind? You've already allowed her to take her pick of the "few good projects" because you felt sorry for her after you - justifiably - told her off.
You complain that she is treating you like her Mum and then ... you start behaving like her Mum! How have you gone from "absolute rage" in your first post to now wanting to mentor her?Confused

orangemapleleaves · 19/02/2026 19:52

senua · 19/02/2026 16:20

Part of me wants to mentor her
Why? What's with all the #BeKind? You've already allowed her to take her pick of the "few good projects" because you felt sorry for her after you - justifiably - told her off.
You complain that she is treating you like her Mum and then ... you start behaving like her Mum! How have you gone from "absolute rage" in your first post to now wanting to mentor her?Confused

Look, I have no idea. I am not her manager, our actual manager is pretty disengaged so I sometimes feel like the default manager with no training or skills in that area.

I do have to stop myself from dropping into Mum mode. I've done years of self employment and I am now working with a generation that were children when I left the office 14 years ago to have kids. I am viewed differently now and need to catch up and be more authoritative. The attitude is real though and not something I would have tried at that age!

I also have a great role and I think if I let her help me (as she has made it clear she wants to) she might be a bit happier/more enagaged. She does have potential and can be very enthusiastic when she's not negging/Mean Girling.

OP posts:
Waywardremote · 19/02/2026 20:50

@orangemapleleaves
I can't get past the amount of times you talk about age in one post -
The attitude is real though and not something I would have tried at that age!
Would you try it now?
I am now working with a generation that were children when I left the office 14 years ago to have kids
You admit to feeling a bit like her Mum I do have to stop myself from dropping into Mum mode you call her a Mean girl - I expect that's an age related insult too.
I think you have an issue with her youth and how it makes you feel about your own age - I can't help but feel this is a you problem too - you come across as someone who has not made peace with aging, you think about age a lot and what is age appropriate for your colleague - her age should be irrelevant but you seem to bring it up all the time - maybe not to her face but it's in your head. You hold her age against her.

orangemapleleaves · 19/02/2026 23:28

The poster in the previous post told me I was behaving like a mum so I was responding to that observation.

And yes it is 50% me - I know that which is why I'm asking for advice on dealing with it appropriately.

But I'm ok with coming across as someone who hasn't made peace with ageing.

Who has? It's hardly unusual, and there's a reason it's a universal theme in literature etc. We live in an ageist society, particularly towards women. Kids grow up, parents grow old and get sick. Ageing is hard. Everyone who is lucky enough to grow older will realise that eventually.

OP posts:
Whooo · 20/02/2026 14:41

Ageing is hard and you admittedly haven’t made peace with it. But those are your personal issues - you don’t need to take it out on people younger than you, or act as if they owe you something.

When you were her age, you should have been given the ability to enjoy being young and not be overly concerned with people older than you at work. You were not expected to be a history buff about random anecdotes that occurred before you were born. Or given a hard time if you simply said “I am not familiar as I wasn’t born then”. I’m not sure why you aren’t giving her the same consideration and holding her to some impossible standard!

I think this all boils down to you being het up that she’s younger than you with the same seniority and pay.

The “bitter older women jealous of younger female colleagues” is a common trope. You trying to police her will make you look difficult, hard to work with, and the problem in this situation. People will be reassuring her, that you are the issue here. They will know it boils down to your insecurity about your own age and sensitivity about her age. So don’t let posters here gaslight you into doing something you will live to regret here, because in real life the keyboard warrior advice won’t have the keyboard warrior outcome.

if you’re being genuine about wanting to mentor and lead people then apply for more senior jobs. (But otherwise, it’s not your job to mentor her. no one wants to be mentored by someone older than them with the same job as them. People generally want to be mentored by someone with a more senior job to them)

LilyBunch25 · 20/02/2026 14:43

"My age might increase but so will your ignorant nature"....?

Dinnaeeatallthecheese · 20/02/2026 14:44

Notdanishsusan · 16/02/2026 09:49

On the ‘I wasn’t even born then’ - ‘I wasn’t born when Mozart was around but I’m not ignorant enough to not know who he is’.

" I wasnt even born then"

" Yes it shows"
"Any further comments and we will be meeting with HR"

Waywardremote · 20/02/2026 14:59

OP - playing power games with the projects - the play nice with me and I'll give you interesting work - share the work out fairly not to acquire brownie points or punish colleagues. Your sound manipulative and toxic.

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 20/02/2026 16:15

@orangemapleleaves‘s colleague is patronisingly showing her things she actually knows how to do on the computer, and making superior comments about “always having to show you how to do things, just like my mum” to @orangemapleleaves, @Whooo. Objecting to that is not the OP being jealous because her colleague is younger, it is the young colleague making unpleasantly ageist comments, which is not acceptable, surely.

Laurmolonlabe · 20/02/2026 17:52

Whooo · 20/02/2026 14:41

Ageing is hard and you admittedly haven’t made peace with it. But those are your personal issues - you don’t need to take it out on people younger than you, or act as if they owe you something.

When you were her age, you should have been given the ability to enjoy being young and not be overly concerned with people older than you at work. You were not expected to be a history buff about random anecdotes that occurred before you were born. Or given a hard time if you simply said “I am not familiar as I wasn’t born then”. I’m not sure why you aren’t giving her the same consideration and holding her to some impossible standard!

I think this all boils down to you being het up that she’s younger than you with the same seniority and pay.

The “bitter older women jealous of younger female colleagues” is a common trope. You trying to police her will make you look difficult, hard to work with, and the problem in this situation. People will be reassuring her, that you are the issue here. They will know it boils down to your insecurity about your own age and sensitivity about her age. So don’t let posters here gaslight you into doing something you will live to regret here, because in real life the keyboard warrior advice won’t have the keyboard warrior outcome.

if you’re being genuine about wanting to mentor and lead people then apply for more senior jobs. (But otherwise, it’s not your job to mentor her. no one wants to be mentored by someone older than them with the same job as them. People generally want to be mentored by someone with a more senior job to them)

I think you have more issues with age and aging than the OP- you only want to be mentored by someone more senior than you- somewhat narrow minded, there is far more to mentorship than simple seniority.
The OP is not taking anything out on those younger than her-she is just concerned they are putting her down because of her age. This is a legitimate concern, as another poster pointed out having a reasonable grasp of the past is simply part of being educated and engaged.

Slightyamusedandsilly · 20/02/2026 19:31

Read this today @orangemapleleaves and thought of you. Your colleague and the company you work for need to be careful!!!

---------------------------------------------------------

Calling a colleague ‘grandmother’ is harassment, judge rules
Referring to an older woman in the workplace as your “grandmother” is ageist, a judge has found.

The ruling was made at an employment tribunal where a factory worker in her 60s successfully sued for age discrimination and harassment.

Andrea Petroi, who worked on the production line at the Soho Sandwich Company, felt “humiliated” after younger colleagues said she was “like my grandmother” and “she is old, so she gets angry”.

She is now in line for compensation after the tribunal in Reading, Berkshire, ruled that she had been subject to “unwanted conduct related to her age”.

Ms Petroi started working as a line leader with the company in 2008. In April 2022, she had an altercation on the sandwich production line with Abu Sayed, a fellow line leader. The tribunal heard he told that she should not be managing him and became very “aggressive”.

When the incident was investigated, he said she was “like my grandmother” but he “respected her”.

Ms Petroi also complained about Mr Sayed singing in his own language, Bengali, and she discovered he had been referring to her as “grandmother” in a song.

Time off with stress
During a meeting about the incident, her general manager asked her, “What is important to you at this age? What is most important to you in life because they are young, they need to learn things. But for you, right now, what is most important?”

Ms Petroi asked her general manager to clarify her position in the company because she believed she was more senior than Mr Sayed. He told her that he could not confirm this because “things have changed”, which she took to mean she had been “demoted”.

During the investigation, some of her colleagues admitted saying “she is old, so she gets angry”. In May 2022, she sent an email to management saying she had been “bullied and humiliated and was unwell because of the stress”.

She took eight days’ sick leave and was told that she would not be paid for the time off.

Ms Petroi resigned at the end of the month, saying that it was “impossible” for her to work at the company because she was a “victim of unfair treatment and discrimination”.

‘Unwanted conduct’
Employment Judge Wendy Anderson said: “The tribunal accepts that Mr Sayed’s reference to Ms Petroi as being ‘like my grandmother’ was unwanted conduct relating to her age.

“It notes that the comment was not made directly to her, but it was relayed to her and there was a second incident in which Mr Sayed referred to her as a grandmother (using the Bengali term Dadi) in her hearing.

“The tribunal accepts that this was unwanted conduct related to her age, which had the effect of humiliating her, and it was reasonable for her to feel that way.”

Ms Petroi also made a successful claim that she suffered constructive unfair dismissal because she was effectively “demoted” and she was not supported in her job role.

She is also due wages for the time she took off sick and back-dated bank holiday pay.

orangelion66 · 20/02/2026 20:08

Whooo · 20/02/2026 14:41

Ageing is hard and you admittedly haven’t made peace with it. But those are your personal issues - you don’t need to take it out on people younger than you, or act as if they owe you something.

When you were her age, you should have been given the ability to enjoy being young and not be overly concerned with people older than you at work. You were not expected to be a history buff about random anecdotes that occurred before you were born. Or given a hard time if you simply said “I am not familiar as I wasn’t born then”. I’m not sure why you aren’t giving her the same consideration and holding her to some impossible standard!

I think this all boils down to you being het up that she’s younger than you with the same seniority and pay.

The “bitter older women jealous of younger female colleagues” is a common trope. You trying to police her will make you look difficult, hard to work with, and the problem in this situation. People will be reassuring her, that you are the issue here. They will know it boils down to your insecurity about your own age and sensitivity about her age. So don’t let posters here gaslight you into doing something you will live to regret here, because in real life the keyboard warrior advice won’t have the keyboard warrior outcome.

if you’re being genuine about wanting to mentor and lead people then apply for more senior jobs. (But otherwise, it’s not your job to mentor her. no one wants to be mentored by someone older than them with the same job as them. People generally want to be mentored by someone with a more senior job to them)

It’s honestly worrying that you are a senior manager and overseeing any disputes at work. You are incredibly biased.

fossiltherapist · 21/02/2026 00:02

Slightyamusedandsilly · 20/02/2026 19:31

Read this today @orangemapleleaves and thought of you. Your colleague and the company you work for need to be careful!!!

---------------------------------------------------------

Calling a colleague ‘grandmother’ is harassment, judge rules
Referring to an older woman in the workplace as your “grandmother” is ageist, a judge has found.

The ruling was made at an employment tribunal where a factory worker in her 60s successfully sued for age discrimination and harassment.

Andrea Petroi, who worked on the production line at the Soho Sandwich Company, felt “humiliated” after younger colleagues said she was “like my grandmother” and “she is old, so she gets angry”.

She is now in line for compensation after the tribunal in Reading, Berkshire, ruled that she had been subject to “unwanted conduct related to her age”.

Ms Petroi started working as a line leader with the company in 2008. In April 2022, she had an altercation on the sandwich production line with Abu Sayed, a fellow line leader. The tribunal heard he told that she should not be managing him and became very “aggressive”.

When the incident was investigated, he said she was “like my grandmother” but he “respected her”.

Ms Petroi also complained about Mr Sayed singing in his own language, Bengali, and she discovered he had been referring to her as “grandmother” in a song.

Time off with stress
During a meeting about the incident, her general manager asked her, “What is important to you at this age? What is most important to you in life because they are young, they need to learn things. But for you, right now, what is most important?”

Ms Petroi asked her general manager to clarify her position in the company because she believed she was more senior than Mr Sayed. He told her that he could not confirm this because “things have changed”, which she took to mean she had been “demoted”.

During the investigation, some of her colleagues admitted saying “she is old, so she gets angry”. In May 2022, she sent an email to management saying she had been “bullied and humiliated and was unwell because of the stress”.

She took eight days’ sick leave and was told that she would not be paid for the time off.

Ms Petroi resigned at the end of the month, saying that it was “impossible” for her to work at the company because she was a “victim of unfair treatment and discrimination”.

‘Unwanted conduct’
Employment Judge Wendy Anderson said: “The tribunal accepts that Mr Sayed’s reference to Ms Petroi as being ‘like my grandmother’ was unwanted conduct relating to her age.

“It notes that the comment was not made directly to her, but it was relayed to her and there was a second incident in which Mr Sayed referred to her as a grandmother (using the Bengali term Dadi) in her hearing.

“The tribunal accepts that this was unwanted conduct related to her age, which had the effect of humiliating her, and it was reasonable for her to feel that way.”

Ms Petroi also made a successful claim that she suffered constructive unfair dismissal because she was effectively “demoted” and she was not supported in her job role.

She is also due wages for the time she took off sick and back-dated bank holiday pay.

Don't often see successful constructive dismissal cases. She was awarded just under £61k.

https://www.gov.uk/employment-tribunal-decisions/a-petroi-v-the-soho-sandwich-company-ltd-3310912-slash-2022

A Petroi v The Soho Sandwich Company Ltd: 3310912/2022

Employment Tribunal decision.

https://www.gov.uk/employment-tribunal-decisions/a-petroi-v-the-soho-sandwich-company-ltd-3310912-slash-2022

orangemapleleaves · 21/02/2026 01:39

I'm so happy for her! Thanks for sharing that.

It definitely gives me confidence to shut any 'oh your digital skills are so bad the simplest things you're just like my mum' nonsense right down.

Feel like sending it to her in the name of professional development but that might be going too far.

OP posts:
MusicWasMyFirstLove · 21/02/2026 10:20

Try flattery.
These types are usually airheads.

TeachesOfPeaches · 21/02/2026 10:27

“Every time I come over”

”stop coming over then”

rwalker · 21/02/2026 11:08

Your a grown adult in a professional environment
no whitty come backs or passive aggressive digs that makes you as bad as her

just say the constant reference to your age is inappropriate and wearing can you stop as it’s getting to the point your offending me

PeanutsLunadexter · 21/02/2026 12:24

Or the classic Mn Did you mean to be so rude!

Yuasa · 22/02/2026 08:44

Ageing is hard and you admittedly haven’t made peace with it.

I think this all boils down to you being het up that she’s younger than you with the same seniority and pay.

The “bitter older women jealous of younger female colleagues” is a common trope.

You trying to police her will make you look difficult, hard to work with, and the problem in this situation. People will be reassuring her, that you are the issue here. They will know it boils down to your insecurity about your own age and sensitivity about her age.

Bloody hell. How many more foregone conclusions and prejudiced stereotypes could be squeezed into one post? Particularly love the faux concern and blithe condescension of the opening line. I sincerely hope this poster isn’t dealing with workplace disputes as they clearly can’t see their own bias. Advice to the op seems to boil down to ‘shut up as nobody is going to side with a bitter old woman’.

Look, a few ‘I wasn’t born then’ comments are inevitable, no big deal and can be amusing in the moment. Banging on about age difference is quite different. I’ve thankfully only had one colleague who was like this with me and - what would you know - he was also disgustingly sexist and inappropriate in other ways.

shuffleofftobuffalo · 22/02/2026 11:06

Rather than a sassy 90s comedy/Ricki Lake audience SnapBack, how about just pointing out to her that those sorts of comments are ageist, I bet she’s not even aware.

orangemapleleaves · 22/02/2026 11:26

Yuasa · 22/02/2026 08:44

Ageing is hard and you admittedly haven’t made peace with it.

I think this all boils down to you being het up that she’s younger than you with the same seniority and pay.

The “bitter older women jealous of younger female colleagues” is a common trope.

You trying to police her will make you look difficult, hard to work with, and the problem in this situation. People will be reassuring her, that you are the issue here. They will know it boils down to your insecurity about your own age and sensitivity about her age.

Bloody hell. How many more foregone conclusions and prejudiced stereotypes could be squeezed into one post? Particularly love the faux concern and blithe condescension of the opening line. I sincerely hope this poster isn’t dealing with workplace disputes as they clearly can’t see their own bias. Advice to the op seems to boil down to ‘shut up as nobody is going to side with a bitter old woman’.

Look, a few ‘I wasn’t born then’ comments are inevitable, no big deal and can be amusing in the moment. Banging on about age difference is quite different. I’ve thankfully only had one colleague who was like this with me and - what would you know - he was also disgustingly sexist and inappropriate in other ways.

I couldn't be bothered replying there were so many inaccuracies. The organisation is run by smart, competent and successful women in their 50s and they are as far from bitter as you can get.

I am going to keep challenging her until it gets through. I have mentioned ageism before when she's going on about how she's getting old herself - "oh, no, now you're being ageist against yourself!" but it doesn't seem to register.

OP posts:
OriginalUsername2 · 22/02/2026 11:38

orangelion66 · 20/02/2026 20:08

It’s honestly worrying that you are a senior manager and overseeing any disputes at work. You are incredibly biased.

This.

This poster has some very problematic views 😬

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