Just found out my partner has slept with transsexuals.

[ImmyNotNewHere]

Yesterday I found emails on my partners phone from just before we met, where he is hooking up with ‘trans women’.

I know this isn’t strictly feminism, however I don’t want to post in relationships and be met with a chorus of how I need to be more ‘inclusive’ and less ‘bigoted’.

I have been with my partner for 7.5 years, and during that time he has been amazing, kind, caring, devoted. I can’t really complain at all.

however yesterday I was on his emails looking for receipts for accounting, and I searched a term and
at the bottom of the results was an email from a few months before we met, where he was replying to a transsexual on Craigslist.

I couldn’t believe my eyes.

I then searched for further Craigslist emails, and found roughly 6 more where he is replying to ‘’mature transvestite slut seems man‘ & ‘tall sexy thick black transsexual slag’ just to name a few.

He has responded in one of them that he is a ‘straight acting guy’ and in others that he is ‘bi’.

Anyway world has crumbled really. I’ve searched some of the people he was messaging and it is VILE.

I am quite sure he hasn’t been with anyone since we were together, but I still feel betrayed. He lied to me about who he is/was.

I also feel total repulsion.

we have two children and he is father to my stepson (Yes huge red flag which I am taking seriously)

I guess just need some advice.

I would 100% end it, dealbreaker.

" If he does want to explore his homosexuality then you should leave him…"

From the sound of things, he's already explored his sexuality. This doesn't sound like a man who ended up in the traditional het-marriage-two-kids relationship before he ever had a chance to find out what else he liked. He's tried all kinds of things, and it turned out what he likes is OP.

So he hasn't been honest when going into a relationship with you, and there's obviously a strong fetish involving language and ideation that you're really not ok with. And you don't have to be. You say you find this a massive turn off, and you're allowed to.

I am sorry that he's turned out to not be the partner you thought he was in quite a big way. I'd have a lot of trouble coming back from this too.

Since when was it a rule that you had to announce your entire sexual history and experiences to a new partner?

People are always advocating on MN that a persons sexual past is their business alone. Seems hypocrticial to say he should have divulged this. Perhaps OP hadn't asked and DH has been committed to OP so no reason to bring up his past.

Does every women announce their past lesbian experiences to their partner? If I've dabbled in bondage, autoerotica asphyxiation, role playing when am I required by MN law to divulge this info?

By OP admission he's been caring, devoted, loving for the entirety of the relationship and she has no reason to doubt this.

I find it difficult to believe that he's given up this pattern of behaviour tbh. The fact that he's hidden this side of himself from you is a complete breach of trust. I'd definitely be getting checked out at your nearest sexual health clinic. Just to be on the safe side.

'I also feel total repulsion.'

As would I. And I'm not sure there's any coming back from that. So sorry you're having to go through this.

This must be really hard to learn OP. I’m sorry. At best this is lying by omission about his sexuality isn’t it. The biggest issue to me is not being attracted to both sexes, it is that you never knew and when you found out, he initially lied. The trust is now well and truly broken.
If you can’t accept a partner who is attracted to men as well as women, even if he is faithful to you, then that’s that isn’t it. If you can, the deceit might be the dealbreaker anyway. It probably would be for me. I personally see a big difference between failing to tell me something and lying to me when I find out anyway. How could I trust him again?

I came on to say this too. Im so sorry OP. What a shock.

Hope you have some real life support and he leaves without any fuss.

By his own admission he is a 'straight acting guy' so he's pretending to be straight.

I just wish he had said it from the start, and I could have made a decision.

I personally don't think we need to proactively share information about the nature of previous sexual relationships with new partners. We need to ensure we have good sexual health and we should be honest if asked but I don't think you can blame him for not volunteering the information. If I had had lesbian sexual experiences I wouldn't consider it my duty to share that with a man before getting involved with him.

If you're a person with no issue about discovering your partner's history of sexual experience late in a relationship when they didn't share that with you - great. No issues for you. That's lucky.

If you're a person who isn't happy about that lack of trust, or with discovering something that is a very major turn off and is likely to end the relationship for you - that's very sad. And you're as equally allowed to not be ok with it as someone is to be ok with it. And to feel that your partner let you down or deceived you.

The OP gets to feel how she feels. And to pick what she wants to do based on those feelings.

Acting as in behaving (I assume). So a bi Male who behaves / presents more like a straight person than with camp characteristics.

Bisexual men exist and can be monogamous and faithful.

This man chose to lie to you about being bisexual, not only by omission but also lying when asked about it directly.

He may offer some kind of explanation for lying (homophobic upbringing, thought you’d react badly etc). But he wasn’t willing or able to have an open conversation with you about who he is sexually and romantically. Even though you’re confident he hasn’t cheated on you, he has betrayed your trust.

If you decide to stay together, you will need to understand more about the past to reach a judgement about the future. Curiosity is not necessarily a fetish. Some bisexual men use sex with transwomen to explore their own identity, or because they wonder what it will be like. But some men fetishise transwomen, and a deeply held male fetish does not normally go away and can often lead to compulsive and deceitful behaviour.

Another question I would want answered: did he pay any of these transwomen - or anyone else - for sex?

I agree that his sexual history is his personal information- either it’s important to someone to know how many/who their partner has slept with previously or it’s not.
it wouldn’t bother me personally, but the fact that he lied and tried to deny it is a huge red flag.

If you thought your partner was, (for want of a better word as I hate this word), Vanilla, and you were happy with that, and it turns out he is very much not but instead likes hooking up with total strangers using sordid language, it's completely normal to be grossed out by that.

This is not the same as saying "by MN law you have to declare previous sexual history".

We all sit somewhere on the sexually liberal vs prudish spectrum. We have a right to know, and have a preference for, where one's partner lies on that spectrum. Op would not have coupled up with her dh if she knew where he was on that spectrum (nor do I blame her)

I'd be running a mile OP. When he can't be honest about who he is then how can you trust anything that comes out of his mouth? Not wanting to be in a relationship with a bi man is a choice you were entitled to make, he also took that choice away from you. Not wanting to be with someone who hooked up with transwomen previously also valid. You deserve much better than this.

I’d be devastated too OP and I’d be ending the relationship . For so many reasons.

I hope he doesn’t hurt and insult you further and that you can gather your strength to make the right decisions for you.

And never apologise for posting on “ the wrong thread”. You’ll find compassion ( and idiots!) on all threads on MN.

O. M. G. This is awful..... The way I see it is : This isn't, or cannot be a simple TRANS. Transgression. This is my opinion only and might not be everyone's but : I think that people who indulge in activities outside the norm.are susceptible to doing other extraordinary practices. The sky's the limit. Unless you Love him a lot errr, this could be a challenge because you're never going to know what they're planning next for kicks.

This

I’m sorry OP what a shock

wow, reading these messages as a bi woman who largely dated other women before settling down (monogamously) for over 15 years (so far) with my husband has been eye- opening, in terms of the comments and opinions from many who assume it’s just a matter of time before i cheat on him. Unless it’s only bi men who don’t seem to be able to exist here.

OP you have the right to choose and do whatever you want, my advice would be to take the recommendations of those who encourage a lot more dialogue before you do so,to be as informed as possible about your partners situation and give you the best possible ideas moving forward about how you feel. All the best

That won't be the end of it, I'm afraid.

Perhaps he tried it and regretted it, and would prefer for it to stay in the past, hence the lieing? If that was the case should he still have disclosed that?

All people have sexual preferences. Many people wouldn't have coupled up with someone if they knew they were going to balloon in weight and make no effort to stay in shape a few years down the line, but you would be vilified for voicing that preference. Perhaps people are lieing by omission by not saying toa partner 'btw I hate exercise, love junk food, love the puband I'm only slim because I'm young and have a high metabolism'.

I was just about to post something similar.
If you aren't ok being with someone who is bisexual or has been in the past that's one thing.
But do people really discuss their sexual past with a new partner? I never have done, have I hidden my past? There's certainly things I haven't told DH. Why should I?
Whether a bisexual person is more likely to cheat than a heterosexual person is widely debated on here. Heterosexual people cheat too

He could and should have been open with OP at the start though. Then she could have decided whether she felt comfortable with his sexual history. But now she’s been blindsided.

@secretrocker Yes I would expect someone to tell me about their sexual past to some extent. I wouldn’t want to sleep with a man who has slept with another man. That’s my personal choice. But by not telling me a partner is taking that choice away from me. And if my partner doesn’t like my boundaries then he of course is free to walk away too.

I'm sorry you're in this position. He obviously knew this would be a deal-breaker for a lot of women, which is why he's kept it secret then lied when confronted with the evidence. I don't need or want to know all the gory details of a serious partner's sexual history, but I'd expect a little more honesty than this, somewhere in the relationship before moving in together or having children. I don't think that's asking too much, and it absolutely feels like a huge lie by omission that he never gave you any hint of this side of himself.

Personally, I don't think I could see a man as a viable partner if I knew he was also attracted to men, and the fact that he went for promiscuous transwomen would just be another couple of layers of disgust. Then there's the deceit. I'd struggle to trust him again, because if he could keep this big a secret for several years, who's to say he hasn't lied about other things? It would just be too much for me to move past it. Unfortunately, the children complicate matters, but I still don't think I could see any way to continue living with him.