Just found out my partner has slept with transsexuals.

[ImmyNotNewHere]

Yesterday I found emails on my partners phone from just before we met, where he is hooking up with ‘trans women’.

I know this isn’t strictly feminism, however I don’t want to post in relationships and be met with a chorus of how I need to be more ‘inclusive’ and less ‘bigoted’.

I have been with my partner for 7.5 years, and during that time he has been amazing, kind, caring, devoted. I can’t really complain at all.

however yesterday I was on his emails looking for receipts for accounting, and I searched a term and
at the bottom of the results was an email from a few months before we met, where he was replying to a transsexual on Craigslist.

I couldn’t believe my eyes.

I then searched for further Craigslist emails, and found roughly 6 more where he is replying to ‘’mature transvestite slut seems man‘ & ‘tall sexy thick black transsexual slag’ just to name a few.

He has responded in one of them that he is a ‘straight acting guy’ and in others that he is ‘bi’.

Anyway world has crumbled really. I’ve searched some of the people he was messaging and it is VILE.

I am quite sure he hasn’t been with anyone since we were together, but I still feel betrayed. He lied to me about who he is/was.

I also feel total repulsion.

we have two children and he is father to my stepson (Yes huge red flag which I am taking seriously)

I guess just need some advice.

You can apply your theory to OP and her invasion of privacy. She was snooping on her partners emails, and justifies it as 'looking for receipts' or whatever. So OP by indulging in this activity might be susceptible to other forms of invasion of privacy (looking through his phone, following him, impersonating him in texts, the sky is the limit). You never know what they're planning next for kicks.

I suppose if I wanted to know I would ask.
I have never asked.
If a new partner asked me, I would see red flags - what's it got to do with them?
I suppose people like me and people like you would never get past the first date, which is fine.

Agreed with the fact that he should have been open. Both me and DP are bi, he’s been with men and women, I’ve been with men and women. Neither of us care but the point is that we were open with each other and then a decision could have been made early on.

I just don't see the issue. Even a regular straight man is attracted to women other than his partner/spouse. If he's loyal to her he doesn't act on his sexual attraction. So how is this any different just because he's also sexually attracted to men?

It's not that you don't think he's attracted to you, in fact you know he is. So then why does it matter to who else he's potentially attracted, as long as he doesn't act on that base impulse?

I'm really sorry about your experience OP, and I think that most women on the relationship forums would be very supportive I'm there frequently). There might be one or two that say bonkers things, but they will be outweighed by sensible and sympathetic posters, usually.

Yes, he's lied to you about who he is. Even today in our supposed liberal society, there are men who lie about their sexuality in order to have the traditional family set-up that they're after. They sleep with men on the side whilst in a heterosexual relationship.

I recommend that you get an STD check as soon as possible.

Also just wanted to add - take certain posters with a massive pinch of salt. Mumsnet and this thread attracts some people who've come here from the transactivist bowls of Reddit.

Exactly. Sort it out at the beginning not some years down the line.

Why gay rather than bi?

@Tweetybye Don't be ridiculous. Of course it's relevant, and everybody has the right to want to be with someone who is the same sexual orientation as themselves, and who also has a similar sexual history.

Also OP, take no notice of posters who take a swipe at you for snooping. In no way is that anywhere near as bad as his deceit and adulterous behaviour. It's worth noting that if some women had not acted on their instinct, they would be stuck for year or even decades with cheating husbands.

I feel like the most problematic things are:

Seems like he has been paying for sex in the past. The idea of buying someone's consent is a big red flag.
He has not been open about being bi.
His past sexual behaviour has been centred around a very specific fetish. he's entitled to have a fetish. You are entitled to find it a turn-off or deal breaker. The misogynistic language he and the guys he has been in contact with seem comfortable with is particularly yuck.
How confident can you be that this is all pre-relationship stuff.

You don't need to make a decision right now, this is all new info to you. Just take care of yourself and take time to process your feelings about it all. So sorry OP.

OP also lied about who she was. She violated her DH privacy and breached the trust of their marriage by searching through his emails. How many people would be with someone if they knew they would be snooping through their phones, emails etc when not invited?

DH past experiences aren't anything he should be ashamed of. Yes, he lied, but only after OP shattered his privacy and trust so I don't see how he comes across as the bad guy here?

@Tweetybye Oh be gone with you.

Don’t listen to posters like this OP. They do not have your best interests at heart.

I need to be clear: I was doing a VAT return (any productive member of society knows they are in on the 7th of the month). I asked him for his phone, he gave it and I was searching for a particular receipt, the search term I used three up 5 results, the 5th one being a Craigslist reply.

once I saw the first reply I searched for other Craigslist emails. Sorry but I have children and I need to reman vigilant

Do you think OP should tell any future partners that she searched through her DH emails? The most important aspect of a relationship is trust so surely it's relevant for future partners to know OP flagrantly ignores someone's right to privacy? Would you advice her to omit this breach of trust for any future partner?

A close family member's husband had the same fetish. He repeatedly told her that he would stop engaging in this sort of porn but instead just started hiding it better and escalated the fetish . She discovered he had been paying a fortune to trans webcammers from an account she didn't know he had and the final straw was when she found him masturbating in their kitchen while interacting with a trans webcammer. Grim.

She threw him out that day and then discovered he had actually been having real life sexual encounters with trans sex workers too, when she had the odd day working away from home. She was devastated.
They had no kids and it was her house so she was very, very lucky. I really feel for you OP tricked into a marriage with a dishonest man. The family member's ex is now getting some sort of help from a support group for sex addiction or some such.

Are you absolutely sure he's not still engaging with these people? He has lied to you about everything else, so can you actually trust him? It's really up to you if you can live with this knowledge but I know the lies, deception and serious ick factor would be insurmountable for me. I could never trust him again.

Your partner may not have cheated on you but is definitely not straight (probably bi) and that is a conversation you need to have. However I'm always aware that any partner will have a past and as long as they don't cheat then I'm probably ok with most things, unless you expect them to tell you about every date (or potential date ) they have ever had , but obviously that's entirely up to you and is a very personal thing. Not one of us can (or should) tell you how to react

Him being bisexual is so clearly not the point, you are being so disingenuous.

If you (general you) are bi - do you hook up with strangers who call themselves slags online, possibly paying them? Does one follow the other? No.

Sordid hookups are nothing to do with being bi. The problem here is not the bisexual part. It's the sordid creepy part.

We don't need to "disclose" our sexual histories no. But it ought to be evident broadly where you are on the sordid to prudish scale, yes. Op didn't know her dh was into that stuff.

Edit to be clear I was using the general "you"

If your partner is bisexual, then it's something he should have disclosed at the beginning of your relationship. If he had told you, then you would have had the opportunity to ask him questions and then make a decision based on his answers. By not disclosing this information, he's entered a relationship with you dishonestly.

Your partner likes sex with men, the transexual part is a bit of a red herring really. Perhaps he has a fetish for having sex with transsexuals? It doesn't make the situation any better if the men are transexual or not.

I'm not sure I could move past the dishonesty to be honest. My guess is, if you had known your partner is bisexual, then you wouldn't have chosen to enter into a relationship with him or have children with him. The likelihood is, you definitely wouldn't have gotten involved with your partner if you'd known he likes sex with transsexuals.

What a shock OP. I had a similar situation last year, when I found out one of my DPs fave porn category was transgender. There was no physical interactions in my case but it really disgusted me in my very soul.

A few questions I would ask based on your situation:

• how did he react to you finding out?
• is he still fulfilling his interests through porn?
• is he interacting or paying for services virtually? Chat / subscriptions / only fans
• does he understand why he did those things? If he doesn't has he suppressed it? IMO more dangerous than if he understands the why - more likely to be closeted.
• what's your own sex life like? No need to answer here for the masses, but have you ever had any doubts about interest or compatibility?
• is he willing to go to individual therapy to better understand himself? Before couples.
• have you gone through his phone? Not for everyone but I'd be demanding it in this case. I went through my DPs with him right there when I found out about the porn.

Sorry but I think you’re being homophobic.

Yes he should have told you he was bisexual but I know many women who experimented with other women before settling down and would not identify as bisexual.

I know loads of women who’ve slept around before settling down too. It doesn’t make them a bad partner.

Does him being bisexual really change who he is as a person?

I would be disgusted that someone paid for sex but I wouldn’t judge them for it if it was in their past.

If you had just met him, then I would say your values don’t align and don’t pursue a relationship but you cannot judge someone on their actions from 7.5years ago when as you say they have been a great partner since you got together.

Finding out your dh is bisexual could range from A) finding out he once dated his mate Dave for a year but it didn't work out, to B) finding out he hooks up with self-styled "slags" that he finds on Craigslist.

Very different scenarios. One is clearly much grosser than the other. This is not about being homophobic ffs

Did you both say you were virgins before getting together?

Did you explicitly ask each other if they’ve ever had sex with the opposite sex etc?

There are many things that I’ve done that I wouldn’t disclose to a partner because frankly it’s none of their business.

Are you of a religion that disagrees with homosexuality?

Being labelled as homophobic is the least of OPs concerns I suspect.

For many straight trans women, we quickly realise that gay men aren't attracted to us and we have no other choice but to meet straight men. It isn't a goal or fantasy, as pissing in a safe toilet isn't a goal or fantasy.

Some trans women retain their p*nises for reasons that are probably very varied. Some, probably leaning into the understanding that it is a very desirable trait fetishised by a surprisingly large number of men. Such men are said to have gynandromorphophilia. I don't think it ever goes away.

In this situation, the partner sounds like he was acting out sadism with gynandromorphophilia. Not a great combo. I'm not a suspicious person usually, but I'd worried he isn't using a secret social media account to socialise with trans women on twitter or something.

There are multiple women on here who use apps like tinder or fabswingers to hook up with random men purely for sex.

Should their DH leave them because they had a few ONS 7.5 years ago?

I've already made this clear upthread.

It's OK to be sexually liberal. It's OK to be prudish. What's not OK is to be one and pretend you are the other so your spouse has no idea what you're really like.