Just found out my partner has slept with transsexuals.

[ImmyNotNewHere]

Yesterday I found emails on my partners phone from just before we met, where he is hooking up with ‘trans women’.

I know this isn’t strictly feminism, however I don’t want to post in relationships and be met with a chorus of how I need to be more ‘inclusive’ and less ‘bigoted’.

I have been with my partner for 7.5 years, and during that time he has been amazing, kind, caring, devoted. I can’t really complain at all.

however yesterday I was on his emails looking for receipts for accounting, and I searched a term and
at the bottom of the results was an email from a few months before we met, where he was replying to a transsexual on Craigslist.

I couldn’t believe my eyes.

I then searched for further Craigslist emails, and found roughly 6 more where he is replying to ‘’mature transvestite slut seems man‘ & ‘tall sexy thick black transsexual slag’ just to name a few.

He has responded in one of them that he is a ‘straight acting guy’ and in others that he is ‘bi’.

Anyway world has crumbled really. I’ve searched some of the people he was messaging and it is VILE.

I am quite sure he hasn’t been with anyone since we were together, but I still feel betrayed. He lied to me about who he is/was.

I also feel total repulsion.

we have two children and he is father to my stepson (Yes huge red flag which I am taking seriously)

I guess just need some advice.

You’re right, I missed that. If he genuinely hasn’t been with anyone since then, then it’s a question of whether he was trying out experiences and has now had enough, or whether he’s just in denial and it will likely all come out again later.

I think some sessions with a therapist would be useful to work that out.

OTOH, if the OP just has the ick and can no longer think of her partner in the same way as before, sadly that’s up to her to decide whether or not she can get past his previous experiences.

Again, though, I don’t see that this has much to do with him going for trans women specifically. Some women could feel exactly the same about him having previously been with other men, or with prostitutes. That’s her decision to reach.

Well at least he admits they're men!

You can end a relationship for any reason, keeping a sexuality hidden or having weird fetishes is a good one imo.

Bi, straight or whatever, if it turns you off, it turns you off.

I can imagine it’s come as a shock. This kind, caring man that you think you know, has in the past been in contact with (and probably had sex with) males who have slut and slag in their names. Of course it paints a different picture of who he is (or was). Sorry OP.

It's possible to have a fetish for male transsexuals without being gay or bi. DP clearly feels embarrassed or disgusted about it, as he concealed it from OP when they met, and tried to lie about it when she found out.

A fetishist can have a happy faithful relationship, but the fetish is a complication, for sure. Its not like just being (also) attracted to men. There could be porn use that escalates or leads to something else.

Counselling by a sex therapist might help.

I agree with this. Also he's never said he was gay and only bi. Again it's fine not to be comfortable with that, I'm not sure I would be but it's different to being gay.

For me, trust broken. He should've been open at the start for you to make a decision. I went out with someone for a few dates and he said he slept with men on occasion, not for me so stopped seeing him (and he got nasty).

Once trust is broken, I'd be questioning myself every time they went out for a few hours and I can't live like that and nor should my partner to be frank.

So sorry OP, you must feel like the rug has been pulled from under your feet. Hope you'll be ok.

Post away, I say. No-one other than the mods gets to be the arbiter of what feminist/feminist-ish/feminist-adjacent (sorry, I know 'adjacent' is a wanky term but I couldn't think of anything better) stuff is permitted to be discussed here.

Can I just say I am really appreciating these responses, it’s helping me process this. Lots of perspectives.

Sounds like he is a pansexual with a trans fetish and some type of humiliation kink (slut, slag etc.).

He can still be happy in a monogamous relationship with you, but it ia upto you if you are ok with who he is. I would suggest taking a minute to process this and mayne see a couples counsellor to work through this since it is quite a lot to find out about your partner.

I think some of the responses you have received are very harsh on your partner and his sexual history. From what I’ve understood he has sex with men before you met and, since being with you he has been faithful? He has not been fair to you by not telling you this at the start of your relationship but he hasn’t cheated on you. And the arguments being made here that he must be a closeted gay man with a fetish just waiting for the opportunity to sleep with other men are being very dismissive of bisexuality. Do you think no bi-sexual person can be in a long term relationship because they will always be wanting to sleep with someone the opposite sex to the person they are with? I don’t think that is true at all.

I think that you need to talk to your partner about his sexuality and what he wants going forward. If it’s you, then you need to decide if you believe him. If he does want to explore his homosexuality then you should leave him…

if you go looking you might end up finding I suppose.
Were you feeling suspicious and that’s why you snooped?
Details of a partners former sex lives are their own really but I imagine these were horrible to read for you.

From my limited observations, the problem is likely to be in the future, not the present. The partner will say now that he’s absolutely sure that he wants to stay with and remain faithful to the OP.

It may well be a different story 10, 20 or 30 years down the line, when he decides that he now needs to explore his sexuality, that he’s been living a lie and he wants to leave the marriage, or stay in the marriage but get the OP’s permission to have sexual relationships with men.

This must be incredibly stressful for you OP to find out that your partner has not been up front that he was bisexual.

I hope that you get the support you need to be able to make a decision about what you want to do next.

For me, this would fall in to the "fetishes I can't get on board with" camp.

I'd be annoyed (putting it mildly) that I was unaware of the fetish (regardless of what it was) in the time we'd been together and therefore couldn't make an informed choice in how I proceeded with the relationship.

I'd have no issue with my partner being bi, it would be the failure to disclose a particular fetish I'd have an issue with.

Honestly- no matter what he has been unfaithful to you as well as deceitful and dishonest towards you and your family. I am assuming you believed you were in monogamous relationship with a straight man.

He has had sex with other people outside of the relationship, probably to satisfy his closet gay/ bi urges. The trans part is probably all part of this - a man who claims to be a woman so it is ok.

none of this is ok in any form and the relationship is not what you have been led to believe. Sorry you are having to deal
with this-it must be a huge blow.

I have been with my partner for 7.5 years, and during that time he has been amazing, kind, caring, devoted.

Honestly, this is what I would focus on. Not what he did before you met, but I would be asking myself how I feel about the relationship, what I know him to be or not to be.

It is clearly a huge shock. No-one likes to read about their partners previous sexual encounters at the best of times, let alone this.

I think you both need to take a bit of space. You're feeling shock, he's probably feeling shame, neither of you will be in the best place to have a frank discussion about this and what it means for your relationship right now.

Well he's bi, and he's not going to stop being bi. That in itself doesn't necessarily mean he's more likely to cheat but it kind of doubles the criteria of people who he could fancy.

The fact he lied is the problem and I don't think you can come back from that.

If I’ve read this right then all the messages predate you too? So he’s not messaged anyone since you got together? I’m which case I think as it predates you what this comes down to is if you would date a bi man or not. If you would never have began a relationship with someone who had slept with men (however the present) then that’s your answer the relationship is over. If it’s that you don’t believe a bisexual can be loyal then that would be wrong of you. But you can’t help how you feel if the love is gone it’s gone even if it’s from offensive stereotypes.

you described him as a good partner in every way until you discovered these messages so provided none of the messages overlap with you I would encourage you to get some couples counselling and see if this is salvageable or to support you both through the ending. You have children together it’s not so easy to just walk away now.

although you said the messages were vile. And I do think the content of that is relevant. Gross details may be vile but not necessarily something I’d say leave him over. If he’s using degrading and sexist language or clearly getting off on them using it then yeah that’s reason to leave because it speaks to how he views women.

You've essentially discovered that the partner you thought was a straight man, is actually gay or bisexual, and likes having sex with a male body dressed in women's clothing. That is a huge concept to get your head around.

However, the bigger concern is whether this was an experimental phase, or a fundamental part of who he is. If it's the latter, then the chances are he'll cheat on you, if he hasn't already. Surely someone who's gay would find it impossible to commit to straight sex only for the rest of their life?

I wouldn’t be so confident @ImmyNotNewHere…

Is he gender critical now?

It is entirely possible he was gender critical then as well.

This sounds like fetishism rather than TWAW to me.

Sorry hun, you can't just flick a switch and no longer enjoy penis's. I would be vvv surprised if he's not indulged in his homosexual urges, whilst being in a relationship with you
I would be done, i'm afraid x