Just found out my partner has slept with transsexuals.

[ImmyNotNewHere]

Yesterday I found emails on my partners phone from just before we met, where he is hooking up with ‘trans women’.

I know this isn’t strictly feminism, however I don’t want to post in relationships and be met with a chorus of how I need to be more ‘inclusive’ and less ‘bigoted’.

I have been with my partner for 7.5 years, and during that time he has been amazing, kind, caring, devoted. I can’t really complain at all.

however yesterday I was on his emails looking for receipts for accounting, and I searched a term and
at the bottom of the results was an email from a few months before we met, where he was replying to a transsexual on Craigslist.

I couldn’t believe my eyes.

I then searched for further Craigslist emails, and found roughly 6 more where he is replying to ‘’mature transvestite slut seems man‘ & ‘tall sexy thick black transsexual slag’ just to name a few.

He has responded in one of them that he is a ‘straight acting guy’ and in others that he is ‘bi’.

Anyway world has crumbled really. I’ve searched some of the people he was messaging and it is VILE.

I am quite sure he hasn’t been with anyone since we were together, but I still feel betrayed. He lied to me about who he is/was.

I also feel total repulsion.

we have two children and he is father to my stepson (Yes huge red flag which I am taking seriously)

I guess just need some advice.

So he's bi, why does that put your sin at risk? Why do you think being bi, or liking sex with a trans person, makes him a child abuser? Am I missing something?

Hello all, thanks for the varied responses, it has been helpful to help me process things.

I had a chat to get to the bottom of things, and I believe he was truthful.

My understanding is that it is a fetish, and that he is more a straight man with a fetish than a repressed homosexual.

It's quite hard to type this but this is the gist:

He went down weird porn loops at 18 and ended ups at trans porn (trans with women, not with men apparently)

He then went to Amsterdam with 'the boys' and they all used prostitutes, and he chose a transexual because it felt 'naughty'

He would then return to that category of porn.

Apparently it's the clothes they wear (?!) None of it makes sense.

He acknowledged that he must be bi if he wants to have anal sex with a man

He kept saying 'but it's not who I really am' and I explained, no it is who you are, whether you find it repulsive and want to deny it, it is who you are.

He says he was lost and confused and actually loves our family, loves being a dad, loves being with me, yada yada yada.

I do actually believe that for now, what we have between us is enough for him, but my concern, as previously mentioned by other posters, is what does the future hold?

That fetish won't go away, and I can never satisfy it, so we're doomed really.

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I know many people might focus on the prostitution here - and I think prostitution is absolutely abhorrent - but also being around younger men I know the they often have just not thought it through. They think it's somehow fair, or she wants to. They are too immature and lack the empathy to understand the real situation. So while I find the purchasing of sex fundamentally wrong, I also understand how young men don't necessarily mean harm, despite doing it. The fact he selected a male out of many women is what freaks me out more. That's jsut my personal pick

I'm a bit confused here. Here's my take but happy enough for OP to say I'm totally wrong.

He went down weird porn loops at 18 and ended ups at trans porn (trans with women, not with men apparently)
Were the trans people biological males or female? Because biological males would be dressed like women with makeup etc, and possibly have breast implants and who rarely look like real women OR biological females who presented like men, usually with beards and mastectomies (no breasts). So either would be coming across as more masculine than feminine in my view.

Apparently it's the clothes they wear (?!) None of it makes sense.
Fishnets and corsets probably, or bondage type clothing. The sort of clothing some women would dress up in for sex but yours prefers men to dress up in that clothing rather than you.

I keep coming back to him liking, having, wanting men. I don't think I could live with that knowledge but I know some women wouldn't care. But that is my boundary. I'm so sorry OP, your mind is probably spinning so fast you don't know what is up or down

'Transwomen' biological men, with women (rather than 2 men together)

So the trans women he has had sex with still have a penis

Yes

And he wanted that used on him, ie receptive partner?

This is a lot to unpack psychologically OP, I do feel for you.

From reading, as I understand it, your partner has a fetish for trans women - men who are transitioning to women. The fact that they still have a penis and he’s attracted to that suggests that he is bisexual in my opinion. Do you know that he is still attracted to you/women? That would be my concern. Some men marry or start relationships with women to conceal their true sexuality. I don’t know if that’s one of your main concerns here? Either way, I think that would be the end of my relationship- I couldn’t be in a relationship with a man who was attracted to men. That is a boundary of mine. It’s also the deception/betrayal of not sharing this with you before you got together.

I just think it's a massive secret to keep from the mother of your kids. You're not wrong to feel how you are feeling he should have told you this fetish so you could have decided if you wanted to have children with him.

I don't know how he hasn't still carried out this fetish while being with you he must have a lot of self control

That he chose to use prostitutes, again and again, and has an issue with escalating pornography use to the point he is (or was) developing new sexual fetishes, are massive red flags in themselves - even without the details of him being sexually aroused by transvestite men.

I think you should consider very carefully if he is the sort of man who is safe to be around children.

I feel gross even reading this. I think you should seriously consider leaving him and I don't usually suggest that. You deserve better.

Most people with strong fetishes only manage to suppress them for so long.

I'd struggle to believe he has entirely knocked this on the head or has he admitted to still using trans porn, trans only fans etc? If so are you ok with this? If he claims he doesn't use this sort of thing, I'd want to see all his devices to prove it. I suspect even if he is not actively engaging in any of this, he's still thinking about it during sex and masturbation. Are you ok with that?

For me the lying and deception even when challenged, plus the use of sex workers (and I'd lay money on there being more than 1 ) would be insurmountable. I understand you not wanting to blow up your family unit but do you think you can ever "unknow" this and have things just go back to the way they were? How do you now feel about the idea of sex with him?

You face some tough decisions and I wish you all the very best.

I want to know why he has seven or eight year old emails still on his phone/lap-top - especially such incriminating ones?

Yes incredibly tough decision, and I can never unsee the things I have seen.

It’s crazy I feel like I don’t know him at all. It’s amazing how quickly things can shatter.

I think I am just in a process of acceptance, understanding, decision making and then moving forward.

I think my decision is quite clear there isn’t an option for us to be together, I just need to fully absorb that reality.

my poor children

Take the time and space you need to let things settle...you don't need to rush into making any firm decision.

I just don’t want it to be true

I feel for you OP. It must be a real shock.

I'm gender critical and find all this wholly regressive, especially as a tomboy who fell into it and clawed her way out, but I kinda get the feeling that some of your problem is that it's a fetish for him. You mentioned the prostitutes and vile messages.

I'd be disconcerted if I found out my guy had sex with TW in the past, but it might be something I could wrap my head around if it had been because he liked those particular ones as people and was attracted to them the way any of us are attracted to others. But his reasoning is porn addiction and fetishizing, which is deeply concerning and not an issue of sexuality IMO. It means he's not looking at Lilith down the street and because he's bi saying "we like the same things, he has a nice laugh and kind eyes."

It's like the men with AGP who develop a kind of pseudo-bisexuality because they aren't into the men laying pipe, it's the debasement of being f'd like a woman, which is an act of erotic humiliation.

I'd wonder if he was seeing himself as the dominant figure in that kind of situation, where he's humiliating another man by lowering him into the act of being a dirty, slutty woman doing what dirty, slutty women do.

It's scary that anyone would see another human as fetish fuel, that's its own thing and is unhealthy on its own, but there's that secondary concern of him getting off on this giga misogyny. I'd be afraid of that specifically.

Your story is very like mine OP. But in my case XH was still doing it but hiding it very well until he accidentally left an email open when I went to use the family laptop. After we split he has "realised" he is actually a transwoman too.

You say your partner’s interactions were all pre your relationship and that before you learnt this you were very happy with him. I think you should take some thinking time before you thriow everything away. Which bit exactly is the problem with. Is it potential future infidelity? Maybe you should ask him if he is fulfilled sexually with your relationship, if he is he may never choose to look elsewhere. I am bi and have no intention of ever sleeping with any one other than my wife ever again.

You say you are worried about your son? Why? A bi (or gay) man is no more likely to be a paedophile than any other man you have a relationship with.

Is it the idea of him having had sex with men? Most adults come with a history of previous sexual partners and sometimes experimental sex. Is the idea that he has had sex with other men in the past abhorrent to you? If it is you should probably be arranging your exit plans now. Only you can know what is acceptable to you and no one should tell you should accept anything you are unhappy with.

Good luck

I have absolutely no idea what you’re on about here.

Your analogy makes no sense. What have black women got to do with males who wear "sexy" clothes and advertise themselves using words that men have historically used to denigrate and shame women?

Whilst not all transwomen are so deeply misogynist, if you have to compare OP's scenario with race, a closer competitor would be someone having a fetish for people that wear black face.

I'm guessing your last paragraph is a weak attempt to defend men's rights to the bodies of prostituted women (or men, in this case).