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Feminism: Sex and gender discussions

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Original poster

Just found out my partner has slept with transsexuals.

259 replies

ImmyNotNewHere · 05/05/2026 10:44

Yesterday I found emails on my partners phone from just before we met, where he is hooking up with ‘trans women’.

I know this isn’t strictly feminism, however I don’t want to post in relationships and be met with a chorus of how I need to be more ‘inclusive’ and less ‘bigoted’.

I have been with my partner for 7.5 years, and during that time he has been amazing, kind, caring, devoted. I can’t really complain at all.

however yesterday I was on his emails looking for receipts for accounting, and I searched a term and
at the bottom of the results was an email from a few months before we met, where he was replying to a transsexual on Craigslist.

I couldn’t believe my eyes.

I then searched for further Craigslist emails, and found roughly 6 more where he is replying to ‘’mature transvestite slut seems man‘ & ‘tall sexy thick black transsexual slag’ just to name a few.

He has responded in one of them that he is a ‘straight acting guy’ and in others that he is ‘bi’.

Anyway world has crumbled really. I’ve searched some of the people he was messaging and it is VILE.

I am quite sure he hasn’t been with anyone since we were together, but I still feel betrayed. He lied to me about who he is/was.

I also feel total repulsion.

we have two children and he is father to my stepson (Yes huge red flag which I am taking seriously)

I guess just need some advice.

OP posts:
SayWhatty · 05/05/2026 15:16

Butterme · 05/05/2026 15:04

Sorry but I think you’re being homophobic.

Yes he should have told you he was bisexual but I know many women who experimented with other women before settling down and would not identify as bisexual.

I know loads of women who’ve slept around before settling down too. It doesn’t make them a bad partner.

Does him being bisexual really change who he is as a person?

I would be disgusted that someone paid for sex but I wouldn’t judge them for it if it was in their past.

If you had just met him, then I would say your values don’t align and don’t pursue a relationship but you cannot judge someone on their actions from 7.5years ago when as you say they have been a great partner since you got together.

It's not really just bog-standard bisexuality though, is it? the language used is dripping in misogyny, and appears likely he was paying.
Do you think consent can be bought?
Do you think a man who is comfortable with words like "slag" and "slut" respects women as equals, and doesn't have any questionable values when it comes to sex?

Justnot · 05/05/2026 15:16

it’s dishonest and repulsive on many levels - nothing to do with homophobia, I couldn’t get past using sex workers, the slag language, the porn addled trans fetish - finding out my spouse was bisexual wouldn’t bother me apart from not telling me

Sidebeforeself · 05/05/2026 15:16

Butterme · 05/05/2026 15:10

There are multiple women on here who use apps like tinder or fabswingers to hook up with random men purely for sex.

Should their DH leave them because they had a few ONS 7.5 years ago?

Show quote history

A person is free to leave a relationship for any reason they choose , so yes if thats their ‘red line”.

Original poster
ImmyNotNewHere · 05/05/2026 15:18
  • We have had discussions in the past about sexuality, I have asked him outright if he has ever been attracted to men, and he answered no. That was a complete lie.
  • I personally find it very very off-putting if men are sexually attracted to other men, when it comes to choosing a partner. I am more than happy for evryone to live their lives exactly how they choose, but ai do not want to go out with a man who has anal sex with other men. I feel like I was denied an option to consent.
  • I ultimately don’t trust him at all: is this the bottom of the barrel of his experiences? Is it the tip of the ice berg? The on going lies and subsequent lying when confronted make me think I will never truly know
OP posts:
TheBeaTgoeson1 · 05/05/2026 15:20

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Abso · 05/05/2026 15:21

Tweetybye · 05/05/2026 13:44

Since when was it a rule that you had to announce your entire sexual history and experiences to a new partner?

People are always advocating on MN that a persons sexual past is their business alone. Seems hypocrticial to say he should have divulged this. Perhaps OP hadn't asked and DH has been committed to OP so no reason to bring up his past.

Does every women announce their past lesbian experiences to their partner? If I've dabbled in bondage, autoerotica asphyxiation, role playing when am I required by MN law to divulge this info?

By OP admission he's been caring, devoted, loving for the entirety of the relationship and she has no reason to doubt this.

New partner, no.

Someone I intend to have a long and meaningful relationship with, potent marry or have kids with, then yes.

I will ask the questions I want answers to and be prepared to act on the answers. If the answer is "I don't think that's your business" then that is an answer and I can act on that.

If my partner wants to know things, they can ask. I can decline to answer (I don't decline to answer if I see a long term future with someone) if I want, but it would raise a question in me as to why I don't want to answer - am I scared they'll reject me, or do I not trust them with the information?

Kingdomofsleep · 05/05/2026 15:25

I'm a prudish woman who prefers prudish men and I chose my dh accordingly. That is a legitimate preference. I do not do kink, I don't like it.

If I found out he'd had a monogamous sexual relationship with a male friend in his early 20s (say, his housemate Dave) I'd be surprised and a bit thrown that he never told me but it wouldn't be a deal breaker.

If I found out he'd been hooking up with self styled "slags" he found on craigslist, of either sex, and possibly paying them - that would be the instant end of our relationship. Yuck, ugh.

This isn't about homophobia. It is not OK to wear down women's boundaries by calling them homophobic or biphobic or whatever, when her dh has been a total creep.

He should have married one of the many women that Butterme claims likes to do that stuff too. Only, I think not many women do, do they, which is why he had to keep it a secret to find a woman who'd have him.

ThatBlackCat · 05/05/2026 15:25

I would leave him straight away. I would be telling him the relationship is over and you want no contact with him unless it's to do with the children. And I wouldn't want him to have any contact with your children unless is supervised visitation. If he is involved in that, he is too dangerous to have unfettered access to children.

"’mature transvestite slut seems man‘ & ‘tall sexy thick black transsexual slag’ "

Their hateful misogynistic language really is a hallmark of this ideology.

Butterme · 05/05/2026 15:30

I personally find it very very off-putting if men are sexually attracted to other men, when it comes to choosing a partner. I am more than happy for evryone to live their lives exactly how they choose, but ai do not want to go out with a man who has anal sex with other men. I feel like I was denied an option to consent.

Then you have no other option but to end your relationship.

As sad as it is for you both, you have certain expectations and he doesn’t meet them.

DwarfPalmetto · 05/05/2026 15:30

It's the lies that are the main problem. He knew that OP wouldn't like it and would have left him, so pretended to be 100% heterosexual.

Once the trust has gone, the relationship is doomed. He lied repeatedly. How can you be sure he won't lie again in the future to get what he wants?

OpheliaWitchoftheWoods · 05/05/2026 15:36

Always interesting that there's a particular kind of view involving flexing about being so open minded, having low boundaries, not expecting honesty and openness, this being implied as a much better thing to be than all the pearl clutchy uptight kind of lesser women. Often extended to looking for ways to blame her for knowing about it in the first place.

I can never help thinking that this works out terribly well for the men in relationships, very convenient for them all round. Not so much for the women.

DurinsBane · 05/05/2026 15:57

Emilesgran · 05/05/2026 11:07

On rereading your OP, you’re certain he hasn’t been with anyone but you said he’s “hooking up” with them? How can you be sure, unless it’s simply that he just hasn’t yet had the opportunity?

If that’s the case, it’s just a matter of time until he gets daring enough to take the step. And you finding out might well be that last thing that was stopping him from taking it further. So I think you need to prepare yourself to end things, because as the other poster said, this won’t stop, it will only get worse. Either you decide to live with it (I couldn’t but clearly some women do) or you leave him.

She meant he was hooking up with them after messaging them, but it was before they were together

DurinsBane · 05/05/2026 15:58

WearyAuldWumman · 05/05/2026 11:18

This would be the end of things for me. His being unfaithful would be enough.

I'd also assume that he's closeted and using his partner as a beard.

He wasn’t unfaithful, it was before they were together. I’m not saying the OP should just accept it or get over it though

Whettlettuce · 05/05/2026 15:59

Ive not rtft yet, have you done some more digging to find anything more recent? Text messages, reddit etc. Any apps previously download on playstore ,bank transaction etc . I would do that before I made a decision. Because although its a shock ,if nothing has happened in the time he's been with you then its more than likely an experimental phase of his life or a fetish. The fetishism would concern me more than any experimental phase or possible bisexuality

Giselle374 · 05/05/2026 16:02

WearyAuldWumman · 05/05/2026 11:18

This would be the end of things for me. His being unfaithful would be enough.

I'd also assume that he's closeted and using his partner as a beard.

He could well be bi but this isn't relevant really since the main issue is he's cheating...however, while not all bi men do, there's certainly a cohort who are attracted to women but see it as ok to hook up with men on the side. Terrible...

DurinsBane · 05/05/2026 16:02

I get you are very shocked and upset, and I’m not saying that you should get over it. However, why is him being father to your son a large red flag? Sounds like you are conflating transsexualism with possible child abuse?

Giselle374 · 05/05/2026 16:03

Kingdomofsleep · 05/05/2026 15:25

I'm a prudish woman who prefers prudish men and I chose my dh accordingly. That is a legitimate preference. I do not do kink, I don't like it.

If I found out he'd had a monogamous sexual relationship with a male friend in his early 20s (say, his housemate Dave) I'd be surprised and a bit thrown that he never told me but it wouldn't be a deal breaker.

If I found out he'd been hooking up with self styled "slags" he found on craigslist, of either sex, and possibly paying them - that would be the instant end of our relationship. Yuck, ugh.

This isn't about homophobia. It is not OK to wear down women's boundaries by calling them homophobic or biphobic or whatever, when her dh has been a total creep.

He should have married one of the many women that Butterme claims likes to do that stuff too. Only, I think not many women do, do they, which is why he had to keep it a secret to find a woman who'd have him.

This! Signed, a fellow prude.

Imbrocator · 05/05/2026 16:03

Apologies if this is obvious and I’m just being a bit dim, but having reread your initial post the descriptions you’ve listed for the people he’s been meeting don’t look like descriptions for casual hookups for sex. Given that you found this while looking at payments, can you confirm if your husband been paying for sex? You haven’t outright said that he’s been meeting prostitutes.

I’m sorry this is happening to you. The lying, paying for sex and fetishising of trans women would really be the end of it for me.

Giselle374 · 05/05/2026 16:07

Butterme · 05/05/2026 15:04

Sorry but I think you’re being homophobic.

Yes he should have told you he was bisexual but I know many women who experimented with other women before settling down and would not identify as bisexual.

I know loads of women who’ve slept around before settling down too. It doesn’t make them a bad partner.

Does him being bisexual really change who he is as a person?

I would be disgusted that someone paid for sex but I wouldn’t judge them for it if it was in their past.

If you had just met him, then I would say your values don’t align and don’t pursue a relationship but you cannot judge someone on their actions from 7.5years ago when as you say they have been a great partner since you got together.

It sounds like he actually is into men & though so probably not just experimenting.

I'm actually bi myself but I do think men who are bi are slightly different case. For one, women having sex with women don't run the STD risks men having sex with men do (well unless they don't do anal but most do).

Second, there is a subset of bi men who hookup while married to women. Bi women don't tend to do female hookups while lying to their husbands, well maybe a few but there is no equivalent subset.

Giselle374 · 05/05/2026 16:09

happydappy2 · 05/05/2026 13:53

By his own admission he is a 'straight acting guy' so he's pretending to be straight.

In gay male lingo that means a 'traditionally masculine' man, not a feminine one .doesn't necessarily imply they are lying to their wife or in a straight marriage. Though it could do ofc...

Original poster
ImmyNotNewHere · 05/05/2026 16:14

I currently have no evidence to suggest that there was any payments made, it appears to be casual hook ups. Not sure how Craigslist works though, and what likelihood of paid or not.

at this point the paid aspect is somewhat irrelevant, it’s finding out my partner is a closet homosexual

OP posts:
Dragracer · 05/05/2026 16:14

I don't personally think having sex with men before you is a red flag. Nor is being bi.
I wouldn't like being lied to. But then I'm not judgemental and DH could easily tell me these things and feel comfortable. You've said it's clear what your opinions of these things are. So he obviously wouldn't feel comfortable being open with you knowing you would judge him.

Unfortunately when you're openly judgemental people tend to keep secrets from you.

Nonetheless he shouldn't have kept it from you knowing you wouldn't like it. You have a right to decide not to date someone who has had sex with men.

KeepTheHouseTheSame · 05/05/2026 16:16

I would end the relationship. Having sex with sex workers, believing in trans ideology in at least some way, the lying, being bisexual….none of that would be ok for me and isn’t what I would want in a partner. I wouldn’t bet it hasn’t stopped or will at some point be an issue in the future if you stay with him.

Blondiebeachbabe · 05/05/2026 16:21

InconvenientlyMaterial · 05/05/2026 11:40

Tricky. So there's the issue he's bi, has had gay sex, and presumably not told you. This has implications around STIs and honesty in a relationship.

And there's the issue he was specifically searching up transwomen for sex. Personally, as a straight woman, if I was single, I wouldn't exclude the possibility of sex with a transwoman if I found them attractive in person, and if they hadn't had surgery/hormones. But I'd never specifically seek out a transwoman for sex because I find the ideology as a whole deeply regressive. (Could probably say the same for men with some other political/ religious beliefs too). Your partner needs to be honest about precisely why he was doing this.

Is it to do with internalised homophobia towards the part of him attracted to males? Maybe more understandable but also more chance he's really gay, not bi. Or is it a fetish for transwomen themselves? Less understandable because he's fetishising an ideology which itself fetishises and opresses women.

Personally, as a straight woman, if I was single, I wouldn't exclude the possibility of sex with a transwoman if I found them attractive in person, and if they hadn't had surgery/hormones

What? I've read it all now!

Blondiebeachbabe · 05/05/2026 16:25

ImmyNotNewHere · 05/05/2026 15:18

  • We have had discussions in the past about sexuality, I have asked him outright if he has ever been attracted to men, and he answered no. That was a complete lie.
  • I personally find it very very off-putting if men are sexually attracted to other men, when it comes to choosing a partner. I am more than happy for evryone to live their lives exactly how they choose, but ai do not want to go out with a man who has anal sex with other men. I feel like I was denied an option to consent.
  • I ultimately don’t trust him at all: is this the bottom of the barrel of his experiences? Is it the tip of the ice berg? The on going lies and subsequent lying when confronted make me think I will never truly know

I agree with everything you have said here. I also could not be with a man who has had sex with men. Also, you're right, you didn't consent to this. 7 years is a long time, but I wouldn't waste any more years here.

Not the same, but I found out after 16 years that my ExH had been cheating for our entire relationship. It limped on for another 4 years, but things were never the same again. I left him.

Flowers