Just found out my partner has slept with transsexuals.

[ImmyNotNewHere]

Yesterday I found emails on my partners phone from just before we met, where he is hooking up with ‘trans women’.

I know this isn’t strictly feminism, however I don’t want to post in relationships and be met with a chorus of how I need to be more ‘inclusive’ and less ‘bigoted’.

I have been with my partner for 7.5 years, and during that time he has been amazing, kind, caring, devoted. I can’t really complain at all.

however yesterday I was on his emails looking for receipts for accounting, and I searched a term and
at the bottom of the results was an email from a few months before we met, where he was replying to a transsexual on Craigslist.

I couldn’t believe my eyes.

I then searched for further Craigslist emails, and found roughly 6 more where he is replying to ‘’mature transvestite slut seems man‘ & ‘tall sexy thick black transsexual slag’ just to name a few.

He has responded in one of them that he is a ‘straight acting guy’ and in others that he is ‘bi’.

Anyway world has crumbled really. I’ve searched some of the people he was messaging and it is VILE.

I am quite sure he hasn’t been with anyone since we were together, but I still feel betrayed. He lied to me about who he is/was.

I also feel total repulsion.

we have two children and he is father to my stepson (Yes huge red flag which I am taking seriously)

I guess just need some advice.

What a shock, OP. I personally don't have an issue with bi men, can still find them attractive, but I know many women can't.

What I would have a massive problem with is the hiding of his true sexuality. That's enormous and I couldn't get over that. Not even just who he's attracted to, but the dehumanising language used when talking to them in those emails, as that would be a serious incompatibility for me

Your feelings about it are valid, whatever they are. Don't let him minimise anything just because it happened before you got together.

It wouldn’t be my cup of tea either and would be the end for me, even if it was before we met. Others might feel differently, if it was definitely before the marriage.

I'm surprised how many people seem to believe being Bi doesn't exist and have jumped straight to he must be a gay man.

I don't think your partner should have lied to you OP, having said that, we don't necessarily have a right to the ins and outs of our partners sexual histories before they meet us. That history will be longer the later you meet in life.

Only you can decide whether you can be with a man who is Bi, who is particularly attracted to transexuals, and whether you trust him not to cheat. Also, the 'vile' messages may have a bearing on your decision.

It must be tough finding this out, you have my sympathies.

Do you feel that way about bisexual women as well?

Nah it’s happened since
you don’t just change who you are overnight

I suspect that if you were to dig some more you would find out a lot more recent stuff

but even so he’s lied to you

at the very least he is bisexual man
or hiding that he is gay but having sex with men that present as women

either way he’s lied to you about who he is sexually and that’s a pretty big lie

I wouldn’t date a bisexual man and that’s my right to choose that
he’s taken that away from you

what I would want to ask him is why didn’t he tell you he was bisexual

if it was because he knew you wouldn’t date him and have kids with him

Then I would be fucking furious and end the relationship - because it shows that he knows you wouldn’t have dated him so he decided to lie and trick you

his wants and needs overide what you wanted and needed from a partner

This must be a massive shock. Both the random hookups and the having sex with men. Is it possible to get away for a bit to process everything that is in your head? Or ask him to go elsewhere for a few days? Big unmumsnetty hug for you.

Sorry you are going through this OP. What a shock it must be. It would definitely be a dealbreaker for me. I wouldn’t be able to look at him in the same way ever again. I wouldn’t be happy about the misogynistic language used in some of the messages either.

Did you ever have a conversation about sexuality and previous relationships or did you just assume his sexuality?
I don't think someone experimenting with different things when they're young and single should be held against them, although that's easy said as an outsider. Technically, I don't think he's done anything wrong but I think I'd find it hard to get past and be intimate again if I was in your situation.
It's for you to decide if the relationship is worth fighting for, if everything else was good then I think couples counselling is worth a shot.

There are several issues

1. Are you attracted to a man who is sexually attracted to other men, whether trans women or otherwise
2. are you attracted to a man who has wanted regular hook ups
3. are you attracted to someone who hid their sexuality from you
4. are you attracted to someone who is attracted to men who identify as women

It’s up to you whether you are or are not. But if you’re not, then the relationship doesn’t have to continue. You don’t have to be in a relationship with someone you’re not attracted to.

I suspect it is still a current activity or certainly a proclivity. Why would someone keep such emails for so long? I'd be horrified to read such vile content and would never be able to look at my husband/partner in the same way again.

I would find it hard to believe that this fetish has just gone away. It's highly addictive behaviour and I wouldn't want to trust him at all to tell you the truth.

For everyone saying he is gay Bi people exist! I can tell it is a shock but it was before you got together and you say you don't think he has cheated on you. I think the main issue is that he wasn't upfront with you in the first place so you could make an informed decision as to whether you wanted to have a relationship or not. Personally it wouldn't bother me (I am bi which my husband was aware of before we started our relationship) but everyone has different boundaries.

There is no way on this planet I could be with a man that likes to shag another man, let alone shag another man who is pretending to be a girl. The whole thought repulses me.
Id be livid if he lied about this, he has essentially tricked you into believing he is someone he is not.
He clearly likes to shag men, that hasn't stopped because he is with you.

I can see it’s a big shock and it’s natural to feel really anxious. I imagine that if a women had had a thing with another women in the past and was now married to a guy that nobody would bat an eyelid or see this as an automatic threat to the current relationship. It’s in the past, so surely the issue here is whether you are unable to handle that he may be attracted to both men and women? Being bi doesn’t mean he will be unfaithful - anymore than you being attracted to men doesn’t mean that you will want multiple male partners.

For many gay men who cross dress or 'identify as' a woman - attracting a straight man is the ultimate goal or fantasy. And for 'straight' men who engage in this sort of behaviour they have often been led there by pornography and/or by hook-up sites - both of which are addictive and transgressive and which lead men down all sorts of rabbit holes.

I don't think you can trust that, OP.

I'd be getting tested asap.

He didn't tell you because he knew you'd likely find it a huge turn off and not be able to see him the same ever again.

I'd be packing huis bags for him.

Speaking for myself I don’t think that it “doesn’t exist”. But I think that someone who describes themselves as “straight-acting” is a closeted homosexual rather than bi. And I think that’s reinforced by the men he chooses to have sex with: men who disguise themselves as women.

However I also think that if it’s true that this ALL predates his current relationship, then it could possibly be experimentation rather than a fixed attraction. But that’s not something we can identify on here: @ImmyNotNewHere needs to work that out with her partner, preferably with the aid of a therapist. And she also needs to decide whether she herself can get past all this: the deception, and seemingly too, the attitude expressed towards women in the messages, mean that’s not necessarily simple.

There are some things that don't need to be analysed, they are just creepy and gross.

Your husband deliberately seeking out a male stranger who calls himself a "slag", to sleep with, even if it was before you met - well that's just creepy and gross.

Sometimes there's no need to add polysyllables to everything. The problem is not that dh is bisexual. The problem is that his behaviour was creepy and gross.

You feel repulsion because your visceral reactions are taking over to keep you safe. Don't intellectualise it. Your instincts are correct.

Do you know about reflex actions? When you touch a burning hot object, the reflex signal actually bypasses your brain so that you can pull your hand away faster. Your brain thinking intellectually "this is too hot, I should withdraw my hand or it will burn" is too slow a process to protect you from the burn.

What we have right here is creepy grossness. You feel repulsed for a reason, it's like your hand pulling back suddenly from being burnt.

I would hate this. What was his explanation/take on it? How did he respond to you? Did you believe him?

Some people experiment with sexuality, maybe he was sexually confused or curious or is bi, but has chosen heterosexuality. You've been together a long time, how old was he when these encounters took place?

Just because he has had sex with men it doesn't make him a paedophile or a risk to children. I can understand you feel repulsed and upset about being lied to. Would it be better if it had been (female) prostitutes?

Yes it's very important NEVER to analyse the actions of a man, because men's feelings are more real than any women's request for honesty around sexual health or to associate with humans who aren't misogynist.

Did you post on the wrong thread?

Talk to him.