Ask me anything about my experience as a trans man who wholeheartedly defends women’s rights

[13J]

I really didn’t know how to title this.
But I’ve replied to a couple of posts over the last few days regarding trans people and the SC ruling.

For those who haven’t seen my previous posts.

i’m in my mid 30s.
i transitioned at 18, started testosterone at 20 and had full top and bottom surgery at 25. I also hold a GRC. I am told I pass extremely well, and most people are quite surprised if they learn I’m trans after having known me a while.

HOWEVER,
As much as I believe that everyone’s right are important, I do not believe eradicating women’s rights in the name of trans rights is okay.

i do not believe single sex spaces should be invaded by the opposite sex, and that people should be made to feel uncomfortable in their safe spaces.

I KNOW you cannot change your sex. I know I have not changed my biological sex.

i know I have a surgically altered female body, not a male one.

i have been rejected by most trans people and in most trans inclusive spaces for disagreeing with the loud minority on these points.

I’ve been called transphobic on many occasions because of it,

And as I have become older, I have come to a deeper understanding that gender is nothing more than a social concept, and while I am happy in my life and the choices I made.
i am not sure I would make the same ones again if I knew then what I know now.

So I just wanted to open this post up and say if anyone would like to know anything further about what I’ve experienced or my personal beliefs. Then feel free to ask, I will answer as openly and honestly as possible and no topic is off limits.

i am speaking only for myself, not for other trans people, but I suspect that many of them feel this way, they are just afraid to voice it because of the backlash they’d receive.

OP, did you have positive sexual experiences before transitioning? O’ wondering whether you fully understood what would change. One of the issues with early transition- PBs, mastectomies, testosterone- is that children don’t have an appreciation of their full sexual potential. I’d say young adults don’t, either. It takes a while to get the knowledge skill and experience to make your body really sing!

As for your questions, @1SillySossij , I hope you stay courteous.
Earlier in the thread, OP became aware of the difficulty her ability to pass causes Muslims who practice strict sex segregation. She had been unaware and says she will try and avoid those situations now she knows.

If you're a transman who passes very convincingly, then if you were in a women's space it would probably be distressing as you look male.
Is it ok for transmen to be in men's spaces, but not the other way round?

Hello OP! Firstly I am really saddened to read about the things that happened to you in your life, it mirrors some of my own experiences and I truly hope you are really happy now. I'm a TW who started posting yesterday and I've been watching this thread like a hawk, waiting for the 24 hours to be up so I can post here! I hope i don't repeat anything you've previously been asked.

1. I've noticed that TW who are attracted to men that they typically exhibit much more empathy towards women and protecting single sex spaces for women than the ones who are attracted to women, why do you think that happens and do you find there is a similiar parallel within TM towards single sex spaces?

1. What do you think of the GC idea that most TW are not transsexual but are in fact AGP? Do you think a similiar phenomena exists and happens with TM?

1. Do you consider gender dysphoria to be more of a medical condition, something that affects your identity or do you think that you don't even need gender dysphoria to be trans?

1. What do you think about trans people who say they are the opposite sex but who don't plan on any kind of medical transition? Do you consider them to be trans?

1. What's your favourite song? 😁 And did your hubby buy you any chocolate this weekend?

1. A year ago I began to really agree third spaces are the way forward and actually I think they benefit both passing and non passing trans people, plus it helps to keep women safe. Do you think since the SC ruling that more of us would be open to it or much less? What would you say to a fellow passing trans man to convince them that it would benefit them?

Sorry if my questions are wordy, I'm a blabber mouth 😁

I wondered whether you’d pop across @VanishingVision I’m on your thread too!

I have found both of your perspectives interesting. I came across another thread last night that left me incandescent with rage, so it’s a joy to have some civilised threads underway at the same time! 😅

@myplace Unfortunately I had to wait for the 24 hours to be up to post on this one! But yes I recognised your name and I enjoyed our exchange so far!
Oh dear I hope you can expunge some of that rage! 😅

I trod perilously close to discourtesy last night, which is about as bad as it gets! Luckily the thread is now been taken down so I can go off to church without much to confess 🤣.

@myplace Your purity remains intact in the eyes of the Lord, you have no mumsnet induced sins to confess 🤣

I imagine you already know all about role play, fantasy and fandom.

If you read my post properly you would see that I said the "natural sexual orientation" for straight women is to be attracted to men. So straight women are sexually attracted to men and "straight" men are attracted to women. That's always been my understand of the definition of "straight" but please do share if you know otherwise.

You say your mother has not spoken to you in years. Do you make any attempt to contact her or have you accepted that she will never be part of your life? Do you understand that she would have felt you were rejecting her when you rejected being female? She may still grieve for her daughter.

What sort of acceptance do you expect from people around you? Do you insist they refer to you as "he" or are you tolerant if they get it wrong?

I'm glad you are one of the few fortunate not yet to have experienced severe side effects from surgery. I hope you are now getting good advice on how to minimise possible adverse health effects.

Hello OP.

Thanks for starting this thread.

Do you think that trans men are more likely than trans women to support women's right to single sex spaces and services?

If so, do you think it is because:

• trans men have no skin in the game because they aren't trans women who want to access women's single sex spaces
• trans men are better able to empathise with women and understand our need for single sex spaces
• or some other reason (and if so, what?)

Thanks so much for sharing your experiences OP (and others e.g. VanishingVision).

I have been hugely relieved by the Cass Report and by the Supreme Court judgement, because I was really worried about the medical transitioning of teens / very young adults and about the loss of women's spaces.

However, I also have a huge amount of sympathy for trans people, especially non-activist people like you. I think you are absolutely right that we often don't hear the voices of "moderate" trans people as you would be vilified by both sides if you tried to speak out, plus you're probably busy living your life rather than arguing on the internet!

On the "which space to use' issue, I agree there is no good option for a trans man who passes. I can totally see why you would use the men's not the women's, and it sounds like you do this out of respect for women rather than for your own validation. There will be people on here who are upset about this though and I do understand that view too.

My question for you is: As a gender critical person who also wants to support trans people, what practical things can we do next to make trans people's lives easier (whilst maintaining women's rights)?

That makes sense - I wasn’t parsing it properly the first time, clearly!

@1SillySossij
Yes, the ruling states that the GRC does not change someone’s legal sex. BUT those of us who obtained a certificate many years ago DID have our legal sex changed on all legal documents, government systems etc.

Nothing has yet been said about whether that will change as far as I am aware. If I am wrong, then please show me the law that says all my legal documents will now be reverted back.

@1SillySossij
Yes I am just as respectful of men’s privacy, dignity and comfort as I am of men’s. EVERYONE has the right to feel secure.

@myplace
Yes, I’d had positive sexual experiences and positive experiences if being female prior to transition. It’s obviously impossible to know I would’ve had more if I hadn’t transitioned just as it is impossible to know if I would’ve had further negative ones.

@BobbyBiscuits

Not really no. Single sex spaces are single sex for a reason. So no one of the opposite sex should be in them at all.

But people do tend to make a distinction between male and female spaces.

Someone posted recently on another threat that women will sometimes go in to the men’s if the women’s has to big of a queue on a night out. And I know personally of women who do this.

Another posted responded to say that’s different because that’s them CHOOSING to enter a space with men in, and choosing to make themselves vulnerable.

But on this thread I’ve been told I am not respectful of men if I enter their spaces. So surely neither of women when they do it?

But nobody really discussed trans men at the ruling.

It states the GRC will now NOT change someone’s legal sex, but it doesn’t say what happens to the people who already have one.

My legal sex IS male and has been for some years now, so I used the men’s if a third space wasn’t available,

I do believe women would be distressed if I started using the women’s

So I’m not really sure where that leaves me or what I’m meant to do if I’m honest.

Transmen were specifically discussed in relation to pregnancy and maternity rights, which would have been lost to any woman with a GRC. The judgement was clear that protecting the rights of transmen was one of their concerns.

@anyolddinosaur

The issues between me and my mother long predated my transition and as she was one of the perpetrators of me having such an abusive childhood I’m afraid her feelings aren’t high on my priority list.

Regarding pronouns, I prefer He, I expressed this to those close to me and they made an effort to use them. This was long before pronouns became such a big thing.

I had patience with anyone who got it wrong tho. As I did with my name.

Nobody has referred to me with female pronouns or name in about 15 years. And nobody meeetibg me now thinks anything other than male unless told otherwise, and so far, nobody has switched to female pronouns after being told I’m trans.

I’m imagining you as one of the higher profile transmen that occasionally comment or campaign publicly. They certainly pass in still photographs- though how they are when they move and speak I wouldn’t know. I believe you when you say people don’t realise. Unlike women being extremely tactful and cautious around transitioned men, I imagine they would be much more comfortable asking you whether you were trans if they wondered. Because women are less wary of other women, or people they perceive as gay men.

@MissScarletInTheBallroom

i think it’s a bit of both.

Trans men have lived as women/girls for a period of their life so they do tend to have a better understanding and appreciation for women’s needs and rights.

But equally, transmen typically don’t want to be in women’s spaces and as far as I’ve seen, men aren’t trying to stop them entering their spaces. So it’s easily to defend something you dont feel affects you.

Whether transmen will feel differently if they start to feel affected by it all, I’ve no idea.

@DisappearingGirl

When I began my transition validation was important to me, I wanted to be seen as male and I wanted others to see me that way.

But the notion of needing that validation in a toilet or changing room baffles me. I just want to pee/get changed and generally try to spend the least amount of time I can in those places and draw the least amount of notice from others.

im not sure if im unusual or if its the unusual minority who are just shouting louder.

i think its very hard to be GC and respectful of trans people these days. I find it hard myself

i want women to feel comfortable
But i also understand why genuine trans women don’t feel comfortable in the mens room. Like I wouldn’t feel comfortable in the ladies.

A third space is the solution
But anyone who tries to campaign for it will be shut down by most trans activities as it would be segregating and supposedly transphobic

So I’m at a loss to be honest.

@ArabellaScott
Yes,
But not all transmen require pregnancy and maternity care.
And as far as I am aware, those whose legal genders had already been changed on public records haven’t had them reversed.

@myplace I know very little about trans campaigners to be honest, I’m definitely not one of them.

The trans community rejected to so I haven’t been inclined to fight for them, particularly in more recent years where it no longer feels like they are just looking for equality and instead demanding their rights are more important than others.

Im just the guy you served in a ship, or who lives next door, or who goes to the same sporting event as you and sits in the stands.

Im there, but you don’t know I’m there because I’m just living my life. I’m not making it my business to make sure you notice me.

There are actually pics of me on Google, but not because I’m trans.
i write books, and my headshot is on the back covers. So far, nobody has questioned my gender.

The one thing they do notice in pictures is my eyes because they don’t face forwards when I look at a camera,

It's interesting that you rejected your mother and sister but are in contact with the father who deserted you. I've noticed this before in those who have had difficult childhoods, the women always held to be more responsible than the men. Perhaps in your case that is a reflection of reality but in the families I know about the men were more culpable than the women.